Monday, November 17, 2003 Edition: #2667
Get Your BS Here, Hot ‘N Fresh!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
(because the things most people want to know are usually none of their business)
• Paris Hilton’s publicist tells “People” magazine, “What nobody realizes is that Paris is actually kind of shy” (we can’t wait until she finally comes out of her shell!). Meantime, “E! Online” reports that Paris Hilton’s sex tape co-star, Rick Solomon, is suing Seattle Internet porn company Marvad Corp for over $10 million, claiming it didn’t have the right to distribute the video, AND the Hilton family for a further $10 million in a defamation suit. And oh, according to “NY Post”, Paris Hilton is featured in AT LEAST 10 other sex videos. (Maybe there’ll be a special ‘box set’ in time for Christmas?) So who’s the real loser in this fiasco? Solomon is likely to get at least some out-of-court settlement money to make his lawsuits go away. Paris wants publicity because she’s trying to kick-start a movie career (she plays ‘Female Club-Goer’ in “The Cat in the Hat” – aka ‘The Slut in the Dress’). Yes folks, the real loser here will be poor old Marvad Corp, which hoped to make a fortune but won’t … because anyone who really wants to see the video can find it free online. (Add this to the sad Bob Guccione story in the book of ‘Downtrodden Pornographers’.)
• “Daily Mirror” says a seething Halle Berry found herself unable to get in to the LA premiere of her own new movie, “Gothika”, as bouncers turned her away at the door. She obviously didn’t spot Ashton Kutcher smirking in the background – she was the latest practical joke victim for his MTV show “Punk’d”. (Wouldn’t it be great if one of them just hauled off and slugged him?)
• According to Britain’s “Daily Star” tabloid, Ashton Kutcher is desperate to wed his old-lady girlfriend Demi Moore soon, in part to keep his acting ambitions alive. He’s apparently shrewd enough to realize his high-profile relationship is partly responsible for his rise in fame. (Oh we thought it was his Oscar-worthy acting in movies like “My Boss’s Daughter “ and “Just Married”.)
• The ever-thoughtful “National Enquirer” has waited for Johnny Cash’s death to reveal a ‘tragic secret’ behind his 35-year marriage to June Carter. The tab claims he once impregnated June’s sister Anita, who ended up aborting the love child in order to spare June the heartache of Johnny’s cheating. (After that he recorded, “I keep a close watch on this hard-on mine …”)
• Check out this raunchy duo – “NY Post” reports that singer Pink and Pam Anderson’s ex-, bad boy rocker Tommy Lee, recently danced the night away while intermittently swapping spit at an “In Touch” magazine party in the NYC nightclub Avalon. (Oh, guess she’s back to guys again.)
• Plans for a more toned-down ‘Bennifer’ wedding have hit a snag. “NY Daily News” claims Jen ‘n Ben have had [another] big fight after which he moved out and into a hotel. The new wedding plan is thought to be scheduled for NYC NEXT MONTH. Although J-Lo is said to have kept California wedding planner Sharon Sacks, her Vera Wang gown has apparently been replaced. (It’s already 3 months out-of-fashion, thereby exceeding the expiry date.)
• “Daily Dish” says the latest Hollywood actress with a MUCH younger boytoy is 36-year-old Mira Sorvino. She’s told pals she’s ‘totally in love’ with 21-year-old wannabe actor Chris Backus who has reportedly just moved into her California home. The two met during a dinner party at the Hollywood restaurant Sur, where she was dining and he was working – as a waiter.
• And “E! Online” reports that MGM studios has given the go-ahead to a bigscreen spoof of the ripe-for-the-picking “Harry Potter” and “Lord of the Rings” movies, to be cleverly titled – “Henry Bates and the Sorcerer’s Balls”.
THE ORIGINAL BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS:
Recently released British intelligence files say that German saboteurs plotted to bomb Buckingham Palace during WW2 with – exploding cans of peas. (Why not use Brussels sprouts? They work like mustard gas!)
FRESH BREATH AND FEWER BABIES:
Seems pregnancy prevention is about to get more palatable. Pharmaceutical giant Warner Chilcott has received approval to market a new spearmint-flavored, chewable contraceptive tablet. (“Hurry up with breakfast girls or you’ll miss the school bus. Don’t forget your Flintstones and your Mentos Preventos …”)
COCA-COLA COUNTDOWN:
Here’s a scary stat – Coca-Cola has contracts with over 6,000 of the 14,000-odd public school districts across the USA. Recent concerns over childhood obesity have caused the company to agree to add timing devices to its school vending machines so administrators can control when sugar-saturated carbonated drinks are sold during the school day. (Sorry kids, you’ll now have to wait till recess to get fat.)
DESERT DELIGHT:
The West African nation of Mauritania is hoping to boost its economy with the export of a local delicacy – camel cheese. It purportedly tastes similar to goat cheese, but spreads and looks more like French brie or Camembert. The country boasts the world’s only factory making the cheese, but it may be years before you’re enjoying a hump of it on your crackers. Health regulations in both North America and Europe demand costly testing before the product can be imported. (Another world’s worst job – camel milker.)
START-UP MONEY:
The National Association of Colleges & Employers’ “2003 Salary Survey” reports the following average starting salaries for various university degrees …
Chemical Engineering … $51,853
Electrical Engineering … $49,946
Computer Science … $47,419
Accounting … $40,546
Information Sciences … $39,718
Marketing … $34,628
History … $32,108
English … $30,157
Psychology … $27,454
(Broadcasting … $1.95 and all the CDs you can steal.)
DID YOU KNOW?
• That a man’s sex drive is lowered whenever his favorite sports team loses?
• That women shed tears an average of 5 times per month, while men average just once. And 25% of men claim they NEVER cry.
THE BULL SHEET 11.17.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [65] Gordon Lightfoot, Orillia ON, Canadian icon/pop/folk singer (“Sundown”, “Wreck of Edmund Fitzgerald”)/Canadian Walk Of Fame (1998)/CCMA Hall Of Fame (2001)/Canadian Songwriters Hall of Fame (2003)
1942 [61] Martin Scorsese, Queens NY, movie director (“Gangs of New York”, “GoodFellas”, “Taxi Driver”) UP NEXT: Now filming the Howard Hughes bio-pic, “The Aviator”, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchett, Kate Beckinsale & Gwen Stefani, opening in 2004.
1944 [59] Danny DeVito, Neptune NJ, 5′-1″ movie actor (“LA Confidential”, “Get Shorty”)/movie producer (“Erin Brockovich”, “Out of Sight”)/TV producer (the just-shelved “Karen Sisco”)
1944 [59] Lorne Michaels (Lipowitz), Toronto ON, TV producer (“Saturday Night Live” since 1975, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” since 1993, “The Kids in the Hall”)/movie producer (“Wayne’s World”)/Canadian Walk of Fame (2003)
1963 [40] Dylan Walsh, LA CA, TV actor (plastic surgeon ‘Sean McNamara’-“Nip/Tuck”)
1977 [26] Aaron Lines, Fort McMurray AB, country singer (“Living Out Loud“)/2003 CCMA ‘Male Artist of the Year’ and ‘Rising Star Award’
1977 [26] Laura Wilkinson, Houston TX, Olympic diver (2000 gold medal in 10m platform)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Astronomers are orgasmic! TODAY the comet Encke (pronounced ENK-ee) will be closest to Earth in its revolution around the Sun, providing the best viewing opportunity in more than 6 decades. Encke was first spotted in 1786, and returns about every 3.2 years. It was history’s second confirmed ‘periodic’ comet, after Halley’s.
TODAY is “Homemade Bread Day”, when we’re all encouraged to bake a loaf from scratch. These days that means emptying an envelope into your automatic breadmaker and pushing the red button. (A good day to get a bun in the oven!)
TODAY is “Take A Hike Day”, which is either a day to enjoy the outdoors or to get out of someone’s face.
TODAY is “National Farm Joke Day”, a day to have a chuckle about the rural lifestyle. There’s actually a Website devoted solely to farm humor.
NET: http://www.farmjokes.com
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1940 [63] 1st NFL team to travel by airplane (Green Bay Packers)
1991 [12] 1st TV ad for a condom (FOX-TV)
1993 [10] “Freedom Air”, the 1st airline exclusively for smokers, suspends operations due to poor ticket sales (their customers keep dying off)
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1999 [04] 1st-ever simultaneous primetime TV-Internet Webcast as “The Drew Carey Show” attracts 2-million Web surfers to watch what’s happening in Drew”s house while he’s at work
2000 [03] Actor Michael Douglas marries actress Catherine Zeta-Jones in NYC
2001 [02] “Harry Potter & the Philosopher’s Stone” opens, grossing a record $90 million its first weekend
2002 [01] Michael Jackson briefly dangles his baby son over a Berlin hotel balcony for fans waiting outside
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Married To A Scorpio Support Day
[Wed] World Toilet Day
[Thurs] Beaujolais Nouveau Day
[Thurs] National Child Day in Canada
[Thurs] Great American Smokeout
[Fri] World Hello Day
[Fri] “Dr Seuss’ Cat in the Hat” opens
[Sat] Vanier Cup (Toronto)
[Sat] 40th Anniversary of JFK Assassination
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Culinary Week
National Family Week
Geography Awareness Week
American Education Week
Children’s Book Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “US to Invade Luxembourg!”
• “Urgent Government Warning: Don’t Toast Marshmallows at Volcanoes!”
• “Teen Needs Junk Food to Stay Alive!”
• “Alien Gas Causing Ozone Holes!”
• “Monsters Under Your Child’s Bed Are Real!”
• “Osama Recruits Cloned Hitler!”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: What wrinkly part of your body is called ‘rasceta’?
A: It’s the little creases on the inside of your wrist.
Source: “You Can’t Sneeze With Your Eyes Open”
Q: 134 years ago TODAY (1869) the Mediterranean and Red Seas were finally linked as the Suez Canal opened. There are 12 locks on the Panama Canal. How many are there on the Suez Canal, which is twice as long at about 100 miles (160 kms)?
A: None.
Source: “Totally Trivial”
Q: In Turkey, it is customary for a house guest to be met at the front door and given this to put on. Is it … clean underwear, cologne or a guest fez?
A: Cologne.
Source: “Disney Adventures”
BS ON-AIR GAMES:
• ‘TIME TUNNEL’ … Give listeners a few events and a couple of tunes from a particular year, then have them guess which year from a choice of 3 or 4. For example …
Top tunes included “Blame It on the Rain” by Milli Vanilli and “Love Shack” by the B-52s. Thousands of pro-democracy students occupied China’s Tiananmen Square. The USA invaded Panama to oust Manuel Noriega. Was it 1987, 1989, or 1991? [1989]
• ‘CHANNEL SURFING’ … Play TV themes separated by channel changing SFX. The listener must name the TV shows to move on. Here’s a couple of alphabetized online sources for themes …
NET: http://www.jvsplace.co.uk/themesidx.php
NET: http://tv.cream.org/themes.htm
• ‘TITLE BOUT’ … Have 2 phone contestants play off against each other to come up with the most titles in a category (chick flicks, mushy love songs, TV sitcoms, etc). Keep a running score while letting them alternate back and forth until one is stumped. Use the same concept with tennis SFX and call it ‘Tennis Titles’.
• ‘WHOSE LIE IS IT ANYWAY?’ … You and your co-host take turns making an outlandish statement. Your contestant must determine which of you is lying to win. For instance …
1. Madeline Albrecht holds the record for ‘Most Feet and Armpits Sniffed’. She was employed in a Cincinnati OH lab testing products for Dr Scholl for 15 years and had to smell approximately 5,600 feet and an indeterminate number of armpits.
2. If you find your spouse gets ‘in the mood’ whenever your cat hangs around the bedroom, here’s why. A new scientific study proves that a cat’s purr has the same romance-enhancing tonal qualities as romantic singers like Diana Krall and the late Barry White. The purring frequency of 33 hertz can actually trigger a female orgasm. [LIE]
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you do THIS for too long, it can reduce the blood flow to your heart by about 25%.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wait too long to go to the bathroom.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
Welcome to new BS samplers Mark Firth @ CKNB Campbellton NB, Amy Hart @ KCLQ Lebanon MO, and Shawna Wimpy @ WMXE Erie PA. Remember, we bonus you one free month for every new BS subscriber you refer. So go ahead, give the gift of BS!
