Monday, November 3, 2003 Edition: #2657
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• With Mike Bullard moving to Global-TV (debuting NOVEMBER 24th), CTV is running the Emmy-winning “Daily Show With Jon Stewart” in his vacated midnight slot beginning TONIGHT (also continues on the Comedy Network). “TV Guide” notes it’s the show’s 1st airing on broadcast TV anywhere.
• Online gossip site Salon.com says Weight Watchers is offering actress Renee Zellweger $3.2 million to shed the weight she put on for “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason” once shooting has wrapped. The deal works out to $110,000-per-pound if she manages to lose all 30 lbs after the movie. She’s already getting a reported $24 million to do the sequel.
• According to Britain’s “Daily Star”, 21-year-old Britney Spears is hanging with 37-year-old “Runaway Jury” actor John Cusack. They apparently met while she was performing in a NYC club, and she was overheard asking an assistant for his phone number. One source says they are seeing each other … but not really dating. (Just boinking then?)
• “Daily Dish” reports that Mariah Carey threw a $400,000 Halloween party FRIDAY night in London. Beyonce Knowles and Pink were among the invited guests to the bash at plush nightclub The Collection. Among the attractions – fortune tellers and fairground rides. Her people claim it was the biggest party she’s ever thrown. (What about her 1993 wedding to Sony Music president Tommy Mottola? The wedding cake alone reportedly cost a million bucks!)
• “Star” magazine claims 77-year-old “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner may brag about having 7 girlfriends, but pals say he’s found love at last with 54-years-younger Holly Madison, who’s a tender 23. Word is she has 2 outstanding things that attracted him – her love of jazz and classic movies. She’s said to be a dead ringer for dead movie star Jean Harlow.
• According to a new ‘Pay List’ in the “Sunday Times”, music mogul Simon Cowell has made a
staggering $48 million in the last year due to the worldwide success of “American Idol” and its British counterpart “Pop Idol”. His total fortune is now an estimated $53.6 million. The only Brit celeb to surpass his financial earnings in the past year is Paul McCartney.
• Christina Aguilera tells “Teen Hollywood” she was disappointed not to be named one of “People” magazine’s ‘Worst Dressed Celebrities’. She says anyone can put on an expensive gown and hire the right people to make them look presentable and ‘safe’. She loves being criticized for what she wears because she’s trying to make a ‘statement’. (50 bucks for a trick?)
• “NY Post” says No Doubt singer Gwen Stefani threw husband and Bush singer Gavin Rossdale a surprise birthday extravaganza at Hollywood’s Spider Club with such guests as actors Benicio Del Toro, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.
• And because we really must know, “National Enquirer” informs us that Jennifer Aniston flips over toilet paper … literally. Yes, the woman named by “Forbes” magazine as the most powerful star on the planet, hauling down $1 million an episode for “Friends”, absolutely cannot STAND it when she walks into a bathroom and sees a roll of TP hung so that the first sheet comes under the roll rather than over it. She is absolutely compelled to turn it over!
THE WEEK’S WEIRDEST HEADLINES:
• “Firm Hires Parrot to Answer Phone Complaints!”
• “Hair From God’s Beard Found!”
• “Alien Tourists Trash the Moon!”
• “Angry Zombies Go on Strike!”
• “Saddam & Osama Adopt Shaved Chimp!”
WERE GUYS COMPLAINING?
‘Ladies Night’ is unfair to guys! At least, that’s the ruling of Hawaii’s Honolulu Liquor Commission, which has fined the Blue Tropix Restaurant & Nightclub $500 for ‘discriminating against men’. The commission decided to investigate after radio spots were aired for the club’s Ladies Night, when women got in free but guys had to pay a cover charge. Local liquor regs ban discrimination in services based on gender. (How dare they try to fill our bars with drunken women!)
DAMN, WHERE’D I PUT THE REMOTE?
Scientists at Australia’s University of Melbourne say they’re close to creating a replacement ‘urinary sphincter’ for people suffering from loss of bladder control. The technique involves removing tissue from other parts of the body to create a ring of muscle which will then be implanted along with a tiny electrical stimulator. The patient will then use a remote control to operate the muscle whenever they want to take a leak. (What happens if your neighbor’s remote is on the same frequency?)
NEXT PETA TARGET – MEATVILLE KS:
Rodeo TX has rejected an offer of $20,000-worth of free veggie burgers from animal rights group PETA in exchange for changing the town’s name. The group wanted the town to select a more animal-friendly name, claiming the sport of rodeo amounts to animal cruelty because rodeo stock are repeatedly roped and tied.
REALLY EM-BARE-ASS-ING:
If singing karaoke isn’t embarrassing enough – imagine doing it butt naked. Berlin CT nightclub owner Marty St Pierre says he was just kidding when he advertised ‘Naked Karaoke Night’. Much to his surprise, lots of people showed up to sing stripped down at his Bristol Station Café. The local authorities aren’t fans, however, slapping a fine on him for ‘operating a sexually oriented business without a permit’. He’s counter-suing, claiming naked karaoke isn’t dirty … just funny. (Yeah, that‘s real entertainment – unattractive nude people who can’t sing.)
DUMMY OF THE YEAR?
A 41-year-old Bronx man who was trying to fish his mobile phone out of a NYC commuter train toilet got his arm stuck, forcing the train to stop while rescue workers tried to pull him out. Thousands of commuters were delayed as several trains had to be rerouted. Eventually firefighters were called in to use a blow-torch to break apart the stainless steel toilet. (All of that’s interesting, but I’m still back at square one – who would actually stick their arm in a toilet to retrieve a phone? What are you gonna do with it if you get it out?)
MALE V FEMALE:
According to “Demographics” magazine, single women out-spend single men on new cars (by double), sugary junk food, fats and oils, and, not surprisingly, clothes, shoes, dry cleaning and jewelry. (You can’t REALLY understand how women outspend men – until you marry one.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
14% of kids will hoard their Halloween candy for a year or more.
Source: M&M poll.
THE BULL SHEET 11.03.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1952 [51] Roseanne (Thomas-Arnold-Barr), Salt Lake City UT, ex-TV talk show host (“The Roseanne Show” 1998-2000)/ex-TV sitcom actress (“Roseanne” 1988-1997)/ex-Mrs Tom Arnold FACTOID: Her cooking show “Domestic Goddess” scheduled for THIS FALL was canceled due to illness, as was her summer reality TV show “The Real Roseanne Show”.
1953 [50] Dennis Miller, Pittsburgh PA, TV personality (“Dennis Miller Live” 1994-2002, “Saturday Night Live” 1985-91)/movie actor (“Joe Dirt”, “Murder at 1600″)/future Republican senatorial candidate for California?
1953 [50] Kate Capshaw (Kathleen Nail), Fort Worth TX, Mrs Steven Spielberg since 1991 (5 children)/sometime movie actress (“How to Make an American Quilt”, “Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom”)
1954 [49] Kathy Kinney, Stevens Point WI, ample TV actress with penchant for makeup (‘Mimi Bobeck’-“The Drew Carey Show” since 1995)
1955 [48] Phil Simms, Lebanon KY, yacky NFL analyst (CBS-TV)/ex-NFL QB (NY Giants 1979-93/Super Bowls in 1987, 1991) FACTOID: His QB son Chris was taken in the 3rd round of the 2003 NFL Draft by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
In Latin, ‘novem’ means ‘nine’. In ancient Rome, NOVEMBER was the 9th month. 5th-century Anglo-Saxons called it ‘Wind Month’.
TODAY is “National Gambling Addiction Awareness Day”. Bet you didn’t know that!
BS SIGNS YOU MIGHT HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM:
• Whenever you meet someone, you put a coin in his mouth and start yanking on his arm.
• You’ve feverishly rushed out to buy a ticket on the big lottery jackpot and then left it sitting on the store counter.
• When you order fast food you say, “I’d like to double down on those biggie fries.”
• You’ve got 50 bucks riding on the ‘Final Jeopardy’ answer – with your 6-year-old.
• When they pass around the collection plate at church, you ask, “What kind of odds am I getting?”
• You’re wearing green felt underpants.
TODAY is “Sandwich Day”, celebrating the 1718 birth of John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A compulsive gambler, he wanted something that could be eaten at gaming tables and earned immortality through his habit of eating beef between slices of toast. The ‘cheese & pickle’ sandwich has emerged victorious in a new British poll to find the perfect sandwich. Made with cheddar cheese on medium, pre-sliced round-top white bread with a thin spread of butter and cut diagonally, the sandwich beat out ‘bacon & brie’, ‘banana & cinnamon’ and ‘prawn & smoked salmon’. (Urgh. Did your stomach just flip?)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1961 [42] 1st inductees into “Country Music Hall of Fame” (Jimmie Rodgers, Hank Williams and Fred Rose)
1990 [13] 1st rap tune to top pop charts (“Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice)
5 YEARS AGO . . .
1998 Former pro-wrestler Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura is elected Governor of Minnesota
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1817 [186] Canada’s 1st bank opens (Bank of Montréal)
1900 [103] 1st ‘auto show’ in USA (Madison Square Garden)
1930 [73] 1st ‘international vehicle tunnel’ in the world opens (Detroit MI-Windsor ON)
1993 [10] 1st greeting cards that record voice messages (Hallmark)
1995 [08] 1st regular season game for NBA’s Toronto Raptors (a win over NJ Nets)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [07] Youngest-ever NBA player, LA Laker Kobe Bryant, takes the floor at the tender age of 18 years, 2 months and 11 days (this season’s rookie phenom LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers comes close, he turns 19 on December 30th)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] “The Matrix Revolutions” opens simultaneously worldwide
[Wed] 37th CMA Awards
[Wed] Saskatchewan election
[Wed] Take Our Kids to Work Day
[Wed-Sun] Canadian Finals Rodeo (Edmonton)
[Thurs] Saxophone Day
[Thurs] Halfway Point of Autumn
[Thurs] National Men Make Dinner Day
[Fri] World Community Day
[Fri] Governor General’s Performing Arts Awards (Ottawa)
[Sat] Lunar Eclipse
THIS WEEK IS . . .
French Conversation Week
Card & Letter Writing Week
National Fig Week
Notary Public Week
World Communication Week
Canadian Children’s Book Week
Kids’ Goal Setting Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS STOCK MARKET REPORT:
Helium was up, feathers were down, paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply, while diapers remain unchanged.
Pencils lost a few points, but balloon prices were inflated.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Light switches were off, while mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Charmin Tissue reached a new bottom.
BS ‘ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS’ FOR RADIO:
Each member of the morning crew is furnished with the SFX of a cow (mooo), a lake (paddling SFX), and a bomb (BOOM!). You count to 3, then each person plays one of the effects. Cow drinks lake, lake extinguishes bomb, and bomb blows up cow.
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Virtually everybody in the world would recognise Lisa Gherardini, but not by that name. What name is she better known by?
A: The ‘Mona Lisa’. Leonardo DaVinci was commissioned by the husband of Lisa Gherardini to paint her 496 years ago TODAY (1507).
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of
the closet.
• So Paul McCartney is a father again. Don’t kid yourself, this won’t be easy on Mrs McCartney. There’s the drooling, the diapers … and the baby’s a lot of work too!
• A company is working on a toilet seat that automatically will lower itself after use. The results so far during testing … 40 dogs have had there heads trapped.
• Scientists say they have isolated the obesity gene and that this will lead to new drugs to combat obesity. Thank goodness! I was worrying I would have to eat right and exercise.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you are average, you’ll do THIS 13 times today.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Laugh.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome aboard to Rod Schween @ CHDR Cranbrook BC who’s back for another year, to new subscriber Tony Allen @ CKVH High Prairie AB, and to this week’s samplers that include Celest Sampaga @ DXCT FM Davao City, Philippines and Jeff Allen @ KTIE Irvine CA. Remember, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new “BS” subscriber you refer!
