Tuesday, November 19, 2002        Edition: #2424
Poor J-Lo – always a bride and never the bridesmaid!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY’S CD releases include George Harrison’s posthumous album “Brainwashed”, recorded just months before he died a year ago, and Shania Twain’s new CD “Up!” featuring 3 different, color-coded versions of 19 songs – red (pop), green (country) and blue (rhythmic-eastern-influenced) . . . TODAY’S the release date for “BMX XXX”, the new video game with hookers and pimps as major characters that’s billed as the first major game release to feature full-action nudity (already turned down by several major retailers) . . . “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets” took in a whopping $142 million worldwide in its opening weekend . . . He may rule “The West Wing” but Martin Sheen has turned down a real life offer to be the next presidential candidate for the Green Party of America, saying he doesn’t have the makeup to do the job . . . NBC-TV is launching a new version of the wacky ‘60s game show “Let’s Make a Deal” NEXT YEAR, with original host, Winnipeg-born Monty Hall, and his daughter Sharon Hall as exec  producers . . . YESTERDAY a Beatles auction in London featured John Lennon’s ‘stash box’ (where he used to hide his cannabis) which is valued at $40,000 . . . After bad publicity following his most recent bar fight (the one in London), Hollywood hell-raiser Russell Crowe has admitted he’s suffering from ‘massive stress’ and decided to cancel a US tour with his rock band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, take a break from show biz, and hide out Down Under (hey Rusty, on behalf of all of us that are bored with your boorish antics – thank you thank you thank you!).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Matthew McConaughey stars in the sci-fi thriller “Reign Of Fire”, about dragons awakened in a near-future London which attempt to devastate Earth by setting fire to everything . . . The animated family fare “Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron” is the story of a wild stallion that travels across the frontiers of the Old West, befriending a young human and finding true love with a mare . . . And wrinkle rocker Randy Bachman’s concert DVD “Every Song Tells A Story” is out, in which he covers the best of both his former bands – the Guess Who and BTO.

GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• Goggles for dogs are the new rage for pet owners. Originally designed for dogs with sun-sensitive eyes, ‘Doggles’ have caught on as cool-looking fashion eyewear for trendy pets on-the-go. But they also serve a useful purpose, providing protection from wind and flying debris – when Rover rides with his head hanging out the car window! (It’d be really entertaining watching you try to get them on your Doberman.)
• “Time” magazine says ‘skin branding’ is the new trend. Instead of a tattoo, the design is burned into your skin. (Actually, I got one of those a few years ago on my tongue – in the shape of a McDonald’s hot apple pie.)

SPEAK SWIFTLY & CARRY A BAD SCRIPT:
According to the “Wall Street Journal”, TV actors are being told to speak quicker to make their characters appear more intelligent. Scriptwriters have upped characters’ word count to appeal to the MTV generation of younger viewers. Producers on shows like “The West Wing” and “Scrubs” have hired dialogue coaches to help actors keep pace with the increased word rate. “Scrubs” creator Bill Lawrence says quickfire dialogue and short, snappy scenes are a ‘humor insurance policy’. That way, if a viewer doesn’t find one scene funny, another is coming right away. (No matter how fast you say it, it’s still lame, isn’t it? Studio experiment – record a crappy sitcom, then speed up the tape to see if it sounds better.)

PRUNE MAN:
A South African scuba diver has claimed a new world record after living underwater in a steel tank for 10 days. Tim Yarrow entered the 7-by-10 foot tank in a Johannesburg shopping center on NOVEMBER 6, then spent 240 hours underwater on scuba apparatus without surfacing. He was fed a low-fiber liquid diet through a tube and watched the skin on his hands shrivel. His record beats the previous time by more than 27 hours. (Not to put too fine a point on it, but where’d he go potty?)

STAR ATTRACTION:
Stay up late to watch LAST NIGHT’S ‘Leonid Meteor Shower’? Up to 30 shooting stars a minute were expected as Earth passed through the debris trail of the Tempel-Tuttle comet. Too bad if you missed it – astronomers say it was the last great meteor shower for a long time. We won’t see another major Leonid show until the end of the 21st Century. (In which case, WE won’t be seeing it at all.)

NOW WITH 25% MORE:
West Edmonton Mall is already the world’s largest shopping mall, covering the equivalent of 48 city blocks with close to 800 stores, an amusement park, water park, dozens of theaters and restaurants, plus the theme-roomed Fantasyland Hotel. Now the city has just approved a 10-year expansion that will add about 25% more retail space, an office tower, an apartment building and an 8,000-seat arena. (Forget ‘shop till you drop’ – you could shop here till you die!)

WACKY WORLD OF BS:
• Public humiliation of criminals is a common punishment in Iran’s legal system, but this is really weird! Five men convicted of vandalism have been ordered to ride around their neighborhood in south Tehran on donkeys – facing backwards. (Oh the shame!)
• An amateur Dutch soccer player has been suspended for kissing a referee after he was sent off during a match. The player took the referee by the head and kissed him on the mouth after he was awarded a second yellow card, which called for his ejection from the game. He’s been punished for ‘inappropriate behavior’ by the disciplinary committee and suspended for 8 games. (Apparently he and the ref are using the time off for a romantic getaway.)
• A new pin-up calendar in Sweden features shots of some of Sweden’s most macho farmers posing half-naked – with their livestock. (Wow, it’s the bestiality-a-day calendar!)
• Inmates at a jail in Luxembourg are replacing their prison uniforms with tights and tutus to take part in a ballet. It’s the idea of French choreographer Philippe Talard who wanted to give the prisoners a different perspective on life. “Many of the inmates have never learned anything creative before and many have come from the streets,” he says. “But despite that some have great artistic talent.” (Putting tights on a prison inmate is like painting a target on a deer!)
• In an effort to attract young people to church, the Church of England has just given its official go-ahead to alternative forms of youth worship such as ‘raves in the nave’. (Jesus died for your glowsticks!)

THE BULL SHEET 11.19.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [69] Larry King (Lawrence Henry Zieger), Brooklyn NY, TV talk show host (“Larry King Live”-CNN) who’s been married 7 times to 6 different women/45 years in broadcasting

1938 [64] Ted Turner, Cincinnati OH, TV mogul (founder of CNN, TBS, TNT and other
media properties/Time Warner exec)/sports mogul (Atlanta Braves)/ex-Mr Jane Fonda

1942 [60] Calvin Klein, Bronx NY, fashion designer (CK jeans)  FACTOID: 22 years ago TODAY (1980) CBS-TV banned his jeans ad featuring Brooke Shields and the slogan ”Nothing comes between me and my Calvin Kleins!”

1960 [42] Allison Janney, Dayton OH, 6-ft TV actress (3 Emmy Awards as CJ Cregg-“The West Wing”)  QUOTE: (on her height) “Years ago, one casting agent told me that the only roles I could play were lesbians and aliens.”

1961 [41] Meg Ryan (Margaret Mary Emily Anne Hyra), Fairfield CT, cutesy movie actress (“You’ve Got Mail”, “Sleepless in Seattle”, “When Harry Met Sally”)/ex-Mrs Dennis Quaid/ex-Russell Crowe toy

1962 [40] Jodie Foster, LA CA, movie actress (“The Panic Room) with a pair of Academy Awards (“The Accused” [1988], “Silence of the Lambs” [1991]) and a pair of sons from unnamed fathers

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Have A Bad Day Day”, for all the grouches who can’t stand being told constantly to
have a nice day.

TODAY in Singapore, some 200 delegates from around-the-world are gathering for a week-long international conference on – the toilet. Delegates to the “World Toilet Summit” will discuss design, ventilation, sanitation, incontinence and the future of a device that is still a luxury in many parts of the developing world. Delegates who attended last year’s summit voted to designate TODAY “World Toilet Day”. (Aw, put a lid on it!)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1895 [107] 1st ‘modern pencil’ (Frederick Blaisdell of Philadelphia patents a paper-wrapped pencil with a string, similar to present-day china markers)

1965 [37] ‘Pop Tart’ is invented (now one of the primary morning food groups)

1991 [11] 1st baseball MVP from a losing team (Cal Ripken Jr-Baltimore Orioles [67W-95L])

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1997 [05] Iowa’s Bobbi McCaughey gives birth to world’s only known set of living ‘septuplets’, 4 boys and 3 girls

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Beaver Moon (Full Moon in Nov)
[Wed] Absurdity Day
[Wed] Canadian National Child Day
[Wed] Universal Children’s Day
[Thurs] Great American Smokeout
[Thurs] World Hello Day
[Fri] Start Your Own Country Day
[Sun] 90th Grey Cup (Edmonton)
This Week Is . . . National Culinary Week / Grey Cup Week
This Month Is . . . Sleep Comfort Month / British Appreciation Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BAR SOAP PERSONALITY TEST
• Dial – An extra confident person, you are attracted to wood, as in woodworking or chopping wood.
• Coast – You like a strong perfume or cologne. You tend to be an early riser and are at your best in the morning.
• Zest – You are attracted to the medical profession. Maybe you work in a doctor’s office or you are a nurse. Maybe you are in love with someone who works in the medical profession. You are a little bit of a hypochondriac, too.
• Ivory – You are the expert at household chores in your home – cooking, cleaning and laundry are your expertise. You want some help but think your partner always does it wrong.
• Tone – This is a flowery soap and you choose it because you really like flowers. You may grow them at home or you love to get them at work, even if you are a guy.
• Safeguard – You are a neat freak. You can’t stand a mess. You shower right after exercise and lovin’. You don’t like to camp because it is unsanitary to you.
• Lever 2000 – Strong, clean, subtle person who is very intuitive. Very manly. Women who use this soap are perceived as masculine but not lesbian.
• Irish Spring – Those who like this scent were probably in a fraternity or a sorority in college. Or you belong to an exclusive club of some sort now.
• Irish Spring Sport – This is also a very masculine soap. Athletic men tend to choose this soap or men who like to think they are athletic. Both men and women who prefer this brand are good with repairs around the house.
• Shield – This is the warrior soap. You are an outdoors-y person who enjoys hunting or hiking, anything to do with conquering.
• Dove – You are a late bloomer, you probably lived with your parents as a young adult and maybe you still live with your parents. If you are a guy, you lived or currently live in a houseful of women.
• Caress – You have a healthy ego and are very concerned with your appearance. You would never go to work in un-ironed clothes.

LOG SAWING FOR DOLLARS:
The current world record for loudest snoring stands at 92 decibels but the makers of Breathe Right are hoping to break that by looking for “America’s Loudest Snorer”. Loudness is the key criteria for judging, but style counts too. The winner gets a $10,000 bedroom makeover, a year’s supply of Breathe Right and a trip to the Super Bowl in San Diego. Nominations can be called in or sent via audio by e-mail or snailmail. Why not act as the local clearing house, or just run your own contest asking for snoring tapes?
PHONER: 1-866-YOU-SNORE
NET: http://www.breatheright.com/promo/promotions.asp

IT PAYS TO BE IGERNANT:
Listener must answer rapid-fire, and must get all 10 questions WRONG to win. It’s tougher than it seems!
• This is what pillows are commonly stuffed with.
• This is the most common name for dogs.
• What’s the most useful thing your mommy ever taught you?
• Name the most popular breakfast food.
• Who first discovered Canada?
• This is the largest object currently orbiting Earth.
• What’s the best pickup line?
• This is the affectionate nickname for [co-host].
• He’s the most macho guy in show biz.
• What’s the appropriate attire for a groom at a wedding?
• This is the most effective form of foreplay.

BS ‘DEAD OR ALIVE?’
Are the following bandleaders stiff or still kickin’?
• Doc Severinsen [Alive and 75]
• Count Basie [Died 1984]
• Lawrence Welk [Died 1992]
• Maynard Ferguson [Alive and 74]
• Buddy Rich [Died 1987]
• Lionel Hampton [Died 2002 at 93]
• Herb Alpert [Alive at 67]
• Mitch Miller [Alive and 91]
• Tito Puente [Died 2000]
• Benny Goodman [Died 1986]
• Artie Shaw [Alive and 92]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Experts say this is the #1 sign someone is really your ‘soul mate’.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: You can act goofy around them.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.