November 13, 2002

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Wednesday, November 13, 2002        Edition: #2420
BS – Sheet For Brains!

Unless you’ve been in a coma you’ve heard that TONIGHT Jennifer Lopez will confirm in a “Primetime” interview with Diane Sawyer that she & Ben Affleck are getting married (guess she was the last to know) and will show off her engagement ring – a pink diamond on a platinum band . . . Matt Damon tells “Extra” he’s known Ben Affleck for 22 years and has never seen him as happy as he is with J-Lo – not even when he lost his virginity . . . TONIGHT in LA, Joni Mitchell, Norah Jones, Sheryl Crow & Michelle Branch perform at “Stormy Weather 2002″, a benefit concert organized by Don Henley to benefit the Thoreau Institute at Walden Pond . . . Word has it the REAL reason hip-hop singer/DJ Angie Martinez left “American Idol 2″ after only a few days is jealous fellow judge Paul Abdul didn’t want her on the show and had her fired (meow!) . . . 5′-8″ NBC “Today Show” weatherman Al Roker has shed 100 lbs since undergoing ‘gastric bypass’ surgery (the bad news is – he still weighs 220!) . . . “24″ star Kiefer Sutherland is said to be battling the bottle and losing – ‘friends’ saying he’s out of control and showing up on the set hungover . . . Anna Nicole Smith says her dog ‘Sugar Pie’ has to take Prozac because she suffers from depression . . . Ozzy Osbourne will appear in a PSA encouraging kids to turn down amplifiers to avoid damaging their hearing . . . Following the death of Run DMC’s Jam Master Jay, paranoid rapper Ja Rule says he won’t go anywhere without his knife that he calls ‘My Valley’ – because it cuts deep (oh you got a knife on ya, Ja? Bang bang!).

• ‘Serial Monogamist’ – Someone who fervently believes in having only one dating or love interest at a time and has a string of failed relationships to prove it.
• ‘Fritterware’ – Software with frivolous capabilities that entices users to spend time tweaking their work with little or no gain in productivity.
• ‘Starter Castle’ – A large house built on a lot so small there’s no room for ‘the moat’ or anything else. An ostentatious display of affluence and bad taste that’s common to many new ‘up-market’ housing developments.
• ‘Bobbleheading’ – The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting even though most have no idea what the boss just said.

A Florida scientist has developed a robot that runs on – meat. The 12-wheeled, train-like robot dubbed ‘Chew Chew the Gastrobot’ runs on a fuel cell which breaks down food with bacteria and converts it into electrical energy. Inventor Stuart Wilkinson of the University of South Florida in Tampa says the machine’s ideal food is red meat. However, if it can be trained to become a vegetarian, one of the applications could be as a lawnmower which actually eats the grass clippings it has just cut.

In a new poll for health magazine “Top Sante”, fully two-thirds of the married women surveyed  say the best sex they’ve ever had is with their husbands. 13% say they experienced their best sex when they were single, and 9% say it was while having an affair. The survey also shows that 95% of women believe being faithful is important in a long-term relationship, but 16% admit to having affairs anyway.

Are you in charge of sorting the family garbage into recycling boxes? Well, don’t move here! Santa Clarita CA has become the first city to develop a recycling program – for diapers. What can you possibly make out of poopy droopies? It seems they can be recycled to make both roofing shingles and vinyl siding. (“I know you just had it sided, but man, you’re house looks like crap!“)

In an new nationwide study by Oxford Health Plans, 17% of working adult respondents describe their health as ‘excellent’ – even if they’re overweight smokers who drink too much and never exercise. Of the respondents who claim excellent health, 55% admit they’re at least 25 lbs overweight, 31% smoke, 21% drink at least 3 glasses of booze daily, and 36% don’t exercise – ever!

A BBC poll asks respondents to list their recommendations for “Places to See Before You Die”. Here are the top 5, compiled from over 20,000 votes –
1. The Grand Canyon
2. Australia’s Great Barrier Reef
3. Disney World
4. New Zealand’s South Island
5. Cape Town, South Africa
The only Canadian entries in the top 50 – the Rockies at #11 and Niagara Falls at #15. But how seriously can you take this poll? Paris rated only 27th and Rome 35th!

Let’s see, there’s ‘Signature Verification’, ‘Voice Recognition’, ‘Palm Print Verification’, ‘Retina Scan Identification’ and now a new technique for combatting fraud can check an individual’s identity by their – body odor. New developments in biometric identification allow analysis of the chemical patterns made up of the various smells of a human body. ‘Body Odor Recognition’ could prove useful as a method for ensuring data security, restricting access to buildings or preventing welfare fraud. (It really works! As soon as I came into the studio this morning I took a whiff and thought, yup [co-host] is here somewhere.)

A few extracts from genuine letters sent to property managers –
• “This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”
• “I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
• “The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?”
• “Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it?”
• “I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”
• “The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
• “Will you please send a man to look at my liquid coming out, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.”

Think CANCON is tough? In France, fully 70% of the music on radio must be by French artists between the hours of 8am and 8pm.


1953 [49] Frances Conroy, Monroe GA, TV actress (Ruth Fisher-“Six Feet Under”)

1954 [48] Chris Noth, Madison WI, TV actor (Mr Big-“Sex and the City”, “Law & Order” 1990-95)

1955 [47] Whoopi Goldberg (Caryn Johnson), NYC, TV producer/panelist (“Hollywood Squares” 1998-2002)/movie actress (“Sister Act”, Academy Award-“Ghost”)  NEXT FILM: Plays ‘Guinan’ in “Star Trek: Nemesis” opening DECEMBER 13

1967 [35] Jimmy Kimmel, Brooklyn NY, football prognosticator (FOX NFL Pre-Game Show)/TV comedian (“The Man Show” 1999, “Win Ben Stein’s Money” 1997-2001)  UP NEXT: His new late night ABC-TV talk show “Jimmy Kimmel Live” debuts on Super Bowl Sunday JANUARY 26

1968 [34] Steve Zahn, Marshall MN, movie actor (“Stuart Little 1 & 2”, “Dr Dolittle 2″, “You’ve Got Mail”)

TODAY is “International World Kindness Day”. (Sponsored by the ‘Global Society of Eternally Hopeless Optimists’.)

SATURDAY the World Rock Paper Scissors (RPS) Society presents the 1st-ever “International RPS Championships” to be held at the Mockingbird in Toronto. More than 256 um, er … hands will be competing for a $1,200 grand prize. Now that it’s gone pro, you can expect what was formerly a simple decision-making game to develop its own unique moves and lingo. For instance, the ‘avalanche maneuver’ is when an ‘RPSer’ throws rock after rock and nary a paper or scissors. Wow! Tricky, huh?
PHONER: 416-885-2850 (Douglas Walker)

1875 [127] 1st football teams to wear uniforms (Harvard vs Yale)

1946 [56] 1st ‘artificial snow’ for skiing (Vincent Schaeffer-Mt Greylock MA)

1952 [50] 1st ‘press-on nails’ (and 1st man admitted to ER with scraped cheek)

1995 [07] World’s 1st known ‘green cat’ is confirmed by a veterinary hospital in Copenhagen, Denmark, a condition vets say may be caused by a metabolism defect (owner Pia Bischoff names her kitty ‘Miss Greeny’)

[Thurs] 100th Anniversary Birthday of Teddy Bear
[Thurs] Operation Room Nurse Day
[Fri ] National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
[Fri] Pack Your Mom’s Lunch Day
[Nov 19 ] World Toilet Summit (Singapore)
[Nov 20] Beaver Moon (Full Moon in November)
This Week Is . . . Children’s Book Week / Eating Disorders Week
This Month Is . . . Family Stories Month / Lung Cancer Awareness Month


• If you only put ONE sock in the washing machine, will it disappear?
• What’s the difference between ‘whoops’ and ‘oops’? And if there is none, then what’s the purpose of the ‘wh’?
• What time is it on the International Space Station? It stays in orbit, so wouldn’t it be the same hour every hour?
• Who wrote the rules on how to act your age?
• Isn’t the problem with people who have no vices that they have some really annoying virtues?
• Isn’t it disheartening to know that all the taxes you’ve paid over your lifetime are spent by your government in less than a second?
• If you wear glasses, is EVERYTHING you see an optical illusion?
• If God wanted to deliver a message to humanity why would he use as his messenger an annoying loudmouth on TV with a bad toupé?
• Isn’t the only difference between a garage sale and garbage pick-up the distance the crap is from the road?

• [Global View] What consonant appears most often in the names of Canada’s provinces? [‘N’]
• [Sound & Screen] Who voiced the title character in the film “Shrek”? [Mike Myers]
• [News] Which 21st century Canadian federal leader had previous careers as an auctioneer and an interior designer? [Stockwell Day]
• [Written Word] What Canadian literary giant spent her 60th birthday walking the picket line with “Calgary Herald” journalists? [Margaret Atwood]
• [Innovations] What animals living in the mouth of the St Lawrence River were found to have the highest rate of cancer ever found in the wild? [Beluga whales]
• [Game Time] What city hosted the Olympic Games with the theme song “Can You Feel It”? [Calgary]
Source for all: “Trivial Pursuit: 20th Anniversary Edition [Canadian Version]”

What’s your Chinese name? At this online name generator, you just type in your name and best personal qualities to find out. (The Bull is apparently ‘Bo Huan’.)

Bobby Badfingers (Von Merta) claims to be the ‘World’s Fastest Finger Snapper’, based on the fact that – he says so! And who’s to contradict him? He’s entertained at parties in the past but a recent gig at a birthday bash for Rebecca Romijn-Stamos may have helped him hit the big-time. Now he’s looking at various TV offers. He makes for a ‘snappy’ interview!
PHONER: 408-985-9486

Today’s Question: Almost half of all women say this has happened to them at work at least once.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The boss made them cry.

I made a killing in the market. Unfortunately, it was the farmers’ market. I ran over a chicken.

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