November 12, 2002

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Tuesday, November 12, 2002        Edition: #2419
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

Atlanta has declared TODAY “TLC Day” as the girl group does an open-air concert to coincide
with the release of their new album “3D” (dedicated to late member Lisa Lopes, killed in a car crash in Honduras earlier THIS YEAR) . . . Also in Atlanta TODAY, Bobby Brown is scheduled to make a plea in court on those drug & traffic charges laid against him LAST WEEK . . . Tony Bennett has recorded a new album of standards with kd lang, whom he calls the ‘best female singer since Judy Garland’ (is that a compliment?) . . . A DJ remix of Glen Campbell’s 1976 hit “Rhinestone Cowboy” called “Rhinestone Cowboy (Giddy Up, Giddy Up)” has become a techno-dance hit in Europe (that’s how “A Little Less Conversation” got started) . . . Vancouver-born “Dawson’s Creek” star Joshua Jackson is due in court NEXT MONTH on a misdemeanor charge after he was arrested on the weekend at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game for drunkenly grabbing a security guard around the neck and hitting him, then refusing to take a blood test after he was carted off to jail (unconfirmed reports say Jackson is being brought in as the designated rowdy fan for the CFL West final) . . . And due to advance ticket sales, the new “Lord of the Rings” film is already #1 at the box office in Norway – 6 weeks before its DECEMBER 18 worldwide release!

Rupert Everett & Colin Firth star in a new adaptation of Oscar Wilde’s “The Importance of Being Earnest”, a romantic comedy about 2 friends who unwittingly use the same pseudonym (‘Ernest’) for their on-the-sly activities . . . Anthony Hopkins & Chris Rock play a pair of mismatched CIA agents in the crime comedy “Bad Company” . . . Oh, and there are a couple of big-budget blockbusters coming out that you may have heard of – “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones” with Hayden Christensen & Natalie Portman, and “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring”, starring Elijah Wood & Ian McKellen (also available in a special 4-disc ‘Platinum Series Extended Edition’ box set with an extra 30 minutes of footage).

Two Brazilian students claim they’ve come up with an invention that makes it impossible to drive drunk. They’ve created a Breathalyzer that’s linked to a vehicle’s engine. The driver must blow into a tube mounted on the dashboard. If the driver’s over the legal limit, the vehicle won’t start. If cheating is detected, the fuel is cut off. The inventors say the device can be fitted into any vehicle and could be marketed for a retail price of around $150.

YESTERDAY the online movie download service ‘Movielink’ was officially launched by a consortium of 5 major Hollywood studios. It allows the downloading of films on demand over high-speed Internet connections for $1.99 to $4.99. They can be viewed using Real Player or Windows Media Player an unlimited number of times during a 24-hour period, then delete themselves after the 1-day license expires. Here’s the bad news – the compressed files average about 500 megabytes and take about an hour to download.

• According to a new poll by Swiffer, 26% of us say that if food drops on the floor and is picked up within 5 seconds, we’ll still eat it. (Apparently it spoils in 6 seconds.)
• According to a new poll of teens by the Zandl Group, the clothing brands Nike, Puma, Guess, Ecco and Polo remain hot, but Tommy and Adidas are not. The poll also shows that retro-styles are on the way out because teens don’t want to wear things their grandparents wore. (Back in the ‘90s.)
• In a poll of a thousand teenagers by online marketing firm ElectricArtists, “American Dreams” and “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” were selected as the new TV shows they’re most excited about this fall.

• A British court disintegrated into laughter during a case involving pharmaceutical giant Pfizer attempting to make Viagra freely available through the British National Health Service. What caused the titters? The bailiff loudly ordering, “All rise!”
• A weirdo who randomly squeezes SuperGlue in women’s hair has struck 6 times in the last 2 months in Fukuoka, Japan. (Are you sure that’s glue?)
• Admitting that his 0-4 record is ‘not impressive on paper’, trainers have announced that an Alsatian guide dog in Wuppertal, Germany is available to a 5th owner. The dog, ironically named ‘Lucky’, led his 1st owner in front of a bus, the 2nd off the end of a pier, nudged his 3rd off a railway platform, and walked his 4th owner into heavy traffic. The new owner won’t be told of Lucky’s lousy record. They say the dog might sense nervousness and ‘do something silly’.

• Hugh Grant turned down the role of ‘Professor Gilderoy Lockhart’ in “Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets”. When the film opens FRIDAY, you’ll notice that role has been filled by actor Kenneth Branagh.
• Barbra Streisand turned down an offer to star in the film adaptation of the musical “Chicago”. Renée Zellweger & Catherine Zeta-Jones will headline the movie when it opens DECEMBER 27.
• Kirsten Dunst turned down the role of ‘Angela’ (eventually played by Mena Suvari) in “American Beauty” (1999), but nabbed the role of ‘Mary Jane Watson’ in “Spider-Man” (2002) and its sequel after Kate Hudson turned it down.
• Angela Bassett turned down the role in “Monster’s Ball” (2001) that won Halle Berry the Academy Award for ‘Best Actress’, saying she refused to play a hooker.
• Vin Diesel turned down $20 million to reprise his role as ‘Dominic Toretto’ in next year’s “The Fast And The Furious 2″. When the movie is released JUNE 6, both Vin and the ‘Dominic’ character will be absent.

Analysis of a half-million insurance claims by Admiral Insurance has found that female drivers are almost twice as likely as men to have an accident in a parking lot, 23% more likely to hit a parked car, and 15% more likely to back into another vehicle. However, male drivers have more serious accidents, kill more pedestrians, and make more costly insurance claims. The study also shows that men are involved in a whopping 98% of convictions for dangerous driving.

[Several versions of this story are floating around the Web. It’s good for a hoot.] Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 120 kph with her face up next to her rearview mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup! As a man I don’t scare easily, but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, making it splash and singe the family jewels. That ruined the damn phone and disconnected a really important call! Damn women drivers!

75% of people wash from top to bottom in the shower.


1944 [58] Al Michaels, Brooklyn NY, TV sportscaster with 3 Emmy Awards (“ABC Monday Night Football” since 1986)/National Sportscasters & Sportswriters Association Hall of Fame (1998)

1945 [57] Neil Young, Toronto ON [raised Winnipeg], classic rock singer (“Heart of Gold”, Crosby Stills Nash &Young-“Woodstock”)

1958 [44] Megan Mullally, Oklahoma City OK, TV actress (Karen Walker-“Will & Grace”)

1966 [36] David Schwimmer, Queens NY, TV actor (Ross Geller-“Friends” since 1994)

1968 [34] Sammy Sosa, San Pedro de Macoris DR, MLB slugger (Chicago Cubs) who joined Mark McGwire in breaking Roger Maris’s former record of 61 home runs in a single season with 66 in 1998 (also hit 63 in 1999, 64 in 2001)/6-time All-Star

1980 [22] Ryan Gosling, London ON, movie actor (“Remember the Titans”, The United States of Leland”)

TODAY is “National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day”. The word ‘pizza’ comes from the Latin word ‘picea’ which the Romans used to describe the blackening of bread in an oven. The world’s first true pizzeria, Antica Pizzeria Port’Alba, opened in 1830 and is still in business today in Naples, Italy. An Italian immigrant named Gennaro Lombardi opened the first American pizzeria in 1895 in NYC. Pizza is now consumed all over the world – with or without anchovies!

THIS WEEK is the 8th annual “Random Acts of Kindness Week”, sponsored by the non-profit Random Acts of Kindness Foundation. It involves tens of thousands of volunteers and school kids taking part in local ‘kindness’ events in more than 5,000 communities and 35 countries. In case you just can’t think of any kind random acts, here’s a few BS suggestions –
• Randomly place boxes of condoms in people’s shopping buggies when they aren’t looking.
• Walk into a bar and offer to buy a round for everyone. Leave.
• Give another driver your parking spot. Next to a fire hydrant.
• Offer to fix your neighbor’s stereo. With an ax.
• Help people find public washrooms by leaving a trail of apple juice on the floor.
• Take the parking ticket off some poor loser’s windshield. Put it on someone else’s windshield.
• Ask an older person to tell you a fascinating story about his or her youth. Leave.

TODAY is “Chicken Soup for the Soul Day”, honoring the sappy series of feel-good books whose mantra is ‘changing the world one story at a time’.

1745 [257] 1st ‘Happy Hour’, in a pub in Ireland (2 for 1 drinks & all the potatoes you can eat)

1859 [143] 1st-ever ‘flying trapeze’ act (Frenchman Jules Leotard, namesake of those cute little outfits)

1910 [92] 1st ‘movie stunt’ (a jump into Hudson River from a burning balloon)

1933 [69] 1st known photograph of the ‘Loch Ness monster’ by one Hugh Gray  FACTOID: The Official Loch Ness Monster Fan Club says there have been only 3 reported sightings of ‘Nessie’ THIS YEAR and the club’s Nessie Sightings Register reveals that nobody has reported seeing the monster since AUGUST. That’s an unusually low number, considering the William Hill Award for the ‘best sighting of the year’ is worth $1500.

1951 [51] ‘National Ballet of Canada’, founded by Celia Franca, gives 1st performance (Toronto)

1973 [29] 1st ‘ATM’ installed, at a Chemical Bank in NYC (only function is to dispense cash from credit cards)

1955 [47] Washington State and San Jose State play a college football game in front of the lowest paid attendance on record – one person

[Thurs] 100th Anniversary Birthday of Teddy Bear
[Thurs] Operation Room Nurse Day
[Fri] “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets” opens
[Fri] America Recycles Day
[Fri ] National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
[Sun ] Take A Hike Day
This Week Is . . . Key Club International Week / Chemistry Week
This Month Is . . . Peanut Butter Lover’s Month / Model Railroad Month


• Some women can’t handle the truth.
• To delay the inevitable.
• It’s empowering.
• It can be fun.
• It saves disappointment.
• Out of fear.
• It’s easier.
Source: Shawn Croft, “Ask Men” magazine

• “America’s Funniest Security Videos”
• “CSI: Saks”
• “Who’s Clothing Is It Anyway?”
• “Without a Tag”
• “Everybody Loves Freebies”
• “Judging Winona“
• ”The Wonderful World of Kleptomania”
• “Law & Ryder”

What reality TV show are you meant to star on? Find out by answering a simple 6-question quiz and clicking a button. (Apparently the Bull is destined for “Fear Factor”.)

Today’s Question: Nearly 50% of us have done this while undressed or in our underwear.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Used our computers.

I was nothing until I got this job. I’m still nothing, but now I get paid for it!

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