Monday, November 11, 2002 Edition: #2418
We Give a Sheet!
BS TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• “E! Online” reports that transcripts from Winona Ryder’s trial reveals that she was suspected of stealing from 2 other high-end department stores, Barneys in New York and Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills, before her arrest at Saks Fifth Avenue. Meantime, word has it an appeal of her conviction is in the works.
• According to “Star” magazine, fitness freak Madonna has told hubby Guy Ritchie he’s getting too chunky! She’s reportedly made him cut out carbohydrates and makes sure that every morning he does a one-hour workout with her and her trainer. (Man, are you whipped, buddy.)
• “Sunday Mirror” quotes Mariah Carey as denying she was ever suicidal during her major bout of depression in July. “I sure as hell know I didn’t try and kill myself,” she says. ”That would never enter my mind.” (Dammit.)
• Kim Delaney is being dumped from “CSI: Miami” after producers decided her character was not clicking with the rest of the ensemble. “E! Online” says her last episode will air 2 weeks from tonight and explain her departure. (We’re guessing her ‘not clicking’ has something to do with temperamental star David Caruso.)
• “PeopleNews” reports that Sharon Osbourne has signed a deal with AOL Time-Warner to host her own TV talk show beginning in 2003, which will reportedly pay her somewhere in the neighborhood of $3 to $5 million per season.
• “Star” claims Jennifer Lopez & fiancé Ben Affleck have now been caught TWICE getting a little too up close and extremely personal in broad daylight. The tab says maybe she should take a good, hard listen to her song “Waiting For Tonight”. (Hey guys, get a room!)
• “National Enquirer” reports that 64-year-old Jane Fonda is sporting 2 black eyes these days. Nope, not from an accident or an assault – from plastic surgery. Hard to believe she once preached exercise not surgery to women trying to maintain their youth. But it seems she’s looking for any way she can find to win back former husband Ted Turner and jumpstart the acting career that he demanded she give up.
• Here’s this week’s breaking news, according to “Weekly World News” – “Ayatollah Khomeini Is Alive and He’s Taken Over Al Queda!”, “Russians Plot to Blow Up the Moon!”, “Osama Bin Laden’s Goat Captured By US Marines!”, and – wow – “Three More Commandments Found!” (what do you think they should be?).
Feeling irritable, depressed and bloated? Maybe you have ‘Irritable Male Syndrome’. According to some doctors, up to 30% of men suffer from IMS. It’s apparently caused by a dip in testosterone levels and can result in depression, weight gain, a loss of energy and diminished sex drive in men as young as their 30s. It’s believed the syndrome is triggered by stress and diet. If you think you might suffer from IMS, stay away from foods like black licorice and breath mints because they contain a chemical that can dramatically reduce testosterone levels.
THE GENETICS OF UNDERWEAR:
If your father wore jockey shorts, odds are you wear boxers – and vice versa. Skivvy research shows just 24% of men wear the same style of underwear as their fathers. (And only about 10% the same as their mothers.)
Japan’s Mount Fuji Spinning Company has developed a new line of clothing called ‘WonderSlim’ which is infused with a mixture of caffeine and seaweed to supposedly help the wearer lose weight. Seems the concoction is massaged into the skin by movement. After 30 days, half the people in a test claimed they had lost a few inches. WonderSlim togs include girdles, knee-length sports pants, and men’s boxer shorts.
BEER & BONES:
New British research suggests that a glass of beer a day is one of the best ways in which young people can ensure that they have strong and healthy bones. Specialists at King’s College and St Thomas’ hospital in London have found that a person’s intake of silicon can be directly linked to bone strength. And they’ve also discovered that beer is one of the richest sources of silicon in the modern diet.
The Netherlands Liver & Intestine Foundation has issued the world-shaking news that breaking wind is healthy and should not cause embarrassment. In fact, 15 wind-passes per day are recommended to relieve internal discomfort. (Never get into an elevator full of Dutch doctors.)
Well, here’s thrilling news for anyone with a teenage daughter whose hormones are already raging – scientists at the University of Tubingen in Germany say the earlier a woman has sex, the less stressed she is as an adult. When they questioned women about their sexual history and tested them for levels of a stress hormone, they found that the lowest levels were among those who had sex the earliest. A similar but smaller effect was found in men. (I’m really laid back today. I woke up the wife at 3am this morning.)
ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY:
A recent study says that people who befriend co-workers are generally happier at work and much more productive on the job. (How can you find time to befriend people when you’re secretly undermining them in order to climb up the corporate ladder?)
BS AMAZING FACT:
Over half of North American dogs can perform at least one trick. ‘Sit’ is most popular, followed by ‘shake a paw’, ‘roll over’, and ‘speak.’ (Most husbands know how to lie on the couch and play dead.)
THE BULL SHEET 11.11.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925  Jonathan Winters, Dayton OH, improv comic who influenced many of today’s comedians
1962  Demi (Demetria) Moore, Roswell NM, hasbeen movie star (“Ghost”, “Indecent Proposal”)/ex-Mrs Bruce Willis UP NEXT: Plays ‘Madison Lee’, a former Angel now – gasp! – working for the ‘bad guys’ in the upcoming sequel “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle”, opening JUNE 27
1964  Calista Flockhart, Freeport IL, emaciated former TV actress (“Ally McBeal”)/Harrison Ford’s companion
1974  Leonardo DiCaprio, Hollywood CA, film actor (“Titanic”)/party boy UP NEXT: Martin Scorsese’s “The Gangs of New York” opening DECEMBER 20, then begins shooting the Baz Luhrmann epic “Alexander the Great, coming in 2004
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Remembrance Day”, commemorating the end of WWI at 11 am on the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918. It’s observed in Canada, Britain, the USA (renamed Veterans Day in 1954), Belgium & France (Armistice Day).
• French Army clerk Henri Deledicq finished typing the peace treaty that would end WWI at 5 am 11/11/18. Apparently tired, he put the carbon paper in backwards and later in a railroad car in France, military leaders signed copies of an armistice that were completely unreadable.
• The Remembrance Day poppy program run by the Canadian Legion raises over $5 million each year for veterans’ causes.
• The original tradition is to observe TWO minutes silence at 11am.
TODAY is the 83rd annual observance of “Veterans’ Day”. Originally called Armistice Day, then renamed in 1954, it commemorates the end of WWI at 11 am on the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918. The day now honors all military veterans.
• Observed as Remembrance Day in Canada & Britain, Armistice Day in Belgium & France.
• French Army clerk Henri Deledicq finished typing the peace treaty that would end WW I at 5 am 11/11/18. Apparently tired, he put the carbon paper in backwards and later in a railroad car in France, military leaders signed copies of an armistice that were completely unreadable.
• President Warren G Harding dedicated the “Tomb of the Unknown Soldier” at Arlington National Cemetery 81 years ago today (1921).
• Kate Smith sang the Irving Berlin song “God Bless America” in public for the first time during an Armistice Day radio broadcast 63 years ago today (1939).
• America’s participation in the Vietnam War officially ended 30 years ago today (1972).
• President Ronald Reagan dedicated the US Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington 18 years ago today (1984).
TODAY is “National Young Readers Day” to encourage kids to hit the books and enjoy the magic of reading. As a public service to the little nippers, here’s a few BS books to avoid –
• “Green Eggs & Spam”
• “How to Bonsai Your Pets”
• “Amish Party Games”
• “Goldilocks & The Tainted Clam”
TODAY is the Christian observance “Martinmas”, when they’ll stage the annual “Martinmas Goose Celebration” in front of the town hall of Sursee, Switzerland. Blindfolded participants try to cut down a suspended goose with a single sword stroke. The warm weather that often occurs around this time is called ‘St Martin’s Summer’ in Europe, ‘Indian Summer’ in North America.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1790  ‘Chrysanthemums’ 1st introduced from China (spelling bee judges are thrilled)
1940  1st ‘Jeep’ is made by the Willys Company, the name coming from the initials ‘G-P’ in
‘General Purpose Vehicle’ (made for military use, NOT for going shopping at the mall)
1959  1st episode of “Rocky & His Friends” on TV, featuring ‘Bullwinkle the Moose’ (Where did they live? Frostbite Falls.)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1988  ‘Loudest measured scream’ by a human – 128 decibels (some guy in a ‘zipper accident’?)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] 100th Anniversary Birthday of Teddy Bear
[Thurs] Operation Room Nurse Day
[Fri] America Recycles Day
[Fri] “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets” opens
[Fri ] National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
[Fri] Pack Your Mom’s Lunch Day
[Nov 24] 90th Grey Cup (Edmonton)
THIS WEEK IS . . .
American Education Week
Random Acts of Kindness Week
National Farm Week
Key Club International Week
Children’s Book Week
Eating Disorders Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
• “Mosquito Capital of Canada” . . . Winnipeg and Komarno MB
• “Sunshine Capital of Canada” . . . Estevan SK
• “Blueberry Capital of the World” . . . Mistassini QC
• “Grape Capital of Canada” . . . Oliver BC
• “French Fries Capital of Canada” . . . Aldred ON
• “Civil Aviation Capital of Canada” . . . Montréal
• “The Honeymoon Capital” . . . Niagara Falls ON
• “Forest Capital of Canada” . . . Grande Prairie AB
• “Moose Capital of the World” . . . Hudson Bay SK and Roddickton NL
Listener poll: Ask listeners to name your town or one nearby that needs a nickname.
BS PARENT’S DICTIONARY:
• ‘Dumbwaiter’ . . . one who asks if the children would care to order dessert.
• ‘Feedback’ . . . what happens when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
• ‘Full Name’ . . . what you call your child when you’re mad at him/her.
• ‘Show-Off’ . . . any child who is more talented than yours.
• ‘Weaker Sex’ . . . the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
BS LEAST IMPRESSIVE “SOPRANOS” NICKNAMES:
• Vinny ‘The Cosmotologist’ Scandalotta
• Leo ‘Nasty Rash’ Puccini
• Frankie ‘The Jaywalker’ Ragusa
• Angelo ‘Net Nerd’ Mancusso
• Nick ‘Paper-Cut’ Carlucci
• Vito ‘Shaved Back’ Antonini
• Tony ‘The Chia Pet’ Gravano
• Vinnie ‘Say It With Flowers’ LaRosa
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Should people be fined for talking on a mobile phone in a public place?” (NYC could become the first to penalize people for talking on cell phones during public performances. A proposed bill to be considered NEXT MONTH would impose a $50 fine on anyone who uses a mobile phone or fails to turn off its ringer during any indoor performance, whether it’s a movie, concert or Broadway show.)
BS ‘FRIDGE FRIENDS’:
Line up 2 contestants who are complete strangers and conference them together on the phone. Offer them prizes escalating in value for each item they have in common in their refrigerators. Let them alternate picking items. They keep playing as long as they keep matching. If you’re worried about them cheating, get them to read off product labels. This is a fun game any day, but perfect for this FRIDAY, “National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day”. (According to a Kraft Foods survey, 92% of us have ketchup in the fridge, 86% have margarine, 79% mustard, and 77% Worcestershire sauce.)
BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: Who was the Canadian surgeon who immortalized the poppy in his poem “In Flanders Fields”?
a) Calixa Lavalee
b) John McCrae
c) Norman Bethune
A: John McCrae.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Odds are you watched “60 Minutes” LAST NIGHT (if you’re over 65). Which two faces have appeared on the show throughout its 34 seasons?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Mike Wallace’s – and the face of the stopwatch.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
I’ll see you tomorrow or the next day, whichever comes first.
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
Welcome to new BS samplers Jeremy Mills @ EZ ROCK Woodstock NB, Traci Long @ WTRC Elkhart IN, Eric Miner @ WCKM Glens Falls NY, Rick Sawyer @ WOMT Manitowoc WI, Antonya Milano @ WJNG Johnsonburg PA, and Johnny Manson @ KJET Aberdeen WA.