Monday, November 4, 2002 Edition: #2413
Sounds Like Sheet!
BS TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• Here’s the top news of the week, according to “Weekly World News” – “Man-Eating Fish Spotted in Florida Lake!”, “New Spray Wards Off Gays Like Bugs!”, “Jesus’ Sandals Found!”, “Scientists Plan to Use Giant Air Bag to Stop Killer Asteroid!”, “Lee Harvey Oswald is Alive!”, and – horror of horrors – “Acne-Ridden Teen Pops One Too Many Zits – And Dies!”.
• “NY Post” notes we’ll get a double dose of Barbara Walters THIS WEEK, interviewing “The Osbournes” WEDNESDAY and *N Sync heartthrob Justin Timberlake TONIGHT on a special edition of “20/20″. Perhaps we’ll be treated to pearls of wisdom like these Timberlake quotes from “Sunday Mirror” – “Golf is like a sex game, the goal is to get the ball in the hole” and “I’m a butt man. I like the way the small of a woman’s back forms a nice onion.” (Huh?)
• Is there no end to his talents? Brad Pitt – Hollywood sex symbol – is apparently also a budding poet. According to “Star” magazine, Brad has written a book of love poetry, to be published NEXT YEAR. (“I love my little Jennifer because her ‘Friends’ all sleep with her . . .”)
• “News of the World” reports that London police arrested 7 men and 2 women over the weekend whom they believe were part of a conspiracy to kidnap Victoria Beckham for a reported $7.75 million ransom. It’s not an outlandish amount considering the former ‘Posh Spice’ is said to be worth circa $24 million and her husband is wealthy soccer superstar David Beckham. The arrests followed a tip-off by the tabloid which claims its reporters infiltrated a gang of Romanian and Albanian kidnappers. (You don’t suppose the paper set this up to manufacture a hot story? Naw, couldn’t happen. Or could it?)
• “PeopleNews” reports that Britney Spears’ Manhattan restaurant Nyla is expected to close down within days. The venture has been snake bit from day one, with 3 diners getting food poisoning within days of the grand opening, a stabbing outside the front door, and abrupt firings of disgruntled employees.
• Could have predicted this one – “National Enquirer” is reporting that Beltway snipers Muhammad and Malvo were lovers and their so-called ‘gay secret’ quote “fueled the terrifying rage that left 10 victims dead!”
• Word is Winona Ryder isn’t likely to take the stand in her own defense when her Saks shoplifting trial resumes TODAY. Meanwhile, “Express” reports that Saks isn’t wasting the PR potential of such a high-profile court. A new billboard advertising the store has been unveiled, with the slogan ‘Make It Your Own’ beneath a model that looks suspiciously like Winona. (Now she’ll sue the store for misuse of her likeness.)
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid reports that ‘Harry Potter’ author JK Rowling threw a $100,000 Halloween bash FRIDAY night. Stirling Castle in Scotland was turned into a replica ‘Hogwarts School’ replete with witches, wizards and sword-swallowers at the charity fund-raiser.
• If you believe “NY Post”, during filming for her upcoming video “Jenny From the Block” at the Barefoot Bar & Grill in Los Angeles, Jennifer Lopez reached over to boyfriend Ben Affleck and shoved her hands down the front of his pants, prompting Ben to break out in a large grin. But the grope was apparently caught on tape by a bridal shower party at the other end of the restaurant. Affleck ended up apologizing to the bride’s mother for the lewd behavior. (Then began the bidding on the tape.)
• And because we really care at this point, the tabloid “Everywhere” has tracked down New York plastic surgeon Cindy Jackson to verify this Earth-shaking fact – Princess Di had a nose job. (If you believe all the trashy tell-all books, the frisky princess enjoyed all kinds of ‘jobs’.)
GETTING WASTED:
Ever wonder how much time is wasted in your life? New research has turned up some surprising stats. An average 2.5 years is wasted due to things like traffic jams, shopping line-ups, waiting for public transportation and dealing with needless bureaucracy. Every week, we squander about 1 hour, 24 minutes looking for stuff that we can’t find at home, and lose another 1 hour, 18 minutes shopping for things without success. The study also concludes that young people waste twice as much time as older people, and men waste more time than women.
SALTY SNACKS:
According to “Health” magazine, 75% of the sodium in the North American diet comes from processed foods, not table salt. (You mean Rice-a-roni isn’t all natural?)
IT’S RAINING DOGS:
Animal lovers are howling over a skydiving dog. A parachuting dachshund known as ‘Brutus the Skydiving Dog’ performed at the “Air & Space Show” at Vandenberg Air Force Base over the weekend. An animal rights advocate says it’s cruel to exploit the dog and skydiving certainly isn’t any fun for the animal. But Brutus’ skydiving partner, Ron Sirull of Delray Beach FL, disagrees saying, “He’s totally up for it!”
LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU:
A new study claims that talking to friends by mobile phone is the equivalent of social grooming among apes. (The main difference is, with mobile phones you don’t get as many fleas stuck in your teeth.)
FEMALE VS MALE:
According to “American Demographics” magazine, single women out-spend single men on –
• Fresh fruits and vegetables.
• Sugary junk food, fats and oils.
• Clothes, shoes, dry cleaning and jewelry, but only by $100 per year on average.
• New cars (double the amount annually).
BAD SIGN:
“The Wall Street Journal” reports that a wealth of new research is helping scientists determine which factors lead to a lasting marriage and which point toward divorce. For instance, research shows ‘eye-rolling’ after a spouse’s comment can be a powerful predictor of divorce.
CANDY CACHE:
85% of kids aged 5 to 15 polled say they’ll try to make Halloween candy last ‘as long as possible’. But just how long is long?
• 18% say it’ll last 1-3 weeks.
• 36% predict 1-5 months.
• 6% think it will last 6-11 months.
• 14% say they’ll hoard it a year or more!
(Ever find a candy stash in your kids closet crawling with ants? After they’ve moved away to college?)
Source: M & M Halloween Scene Survey
THE BULL SHEET 11.04.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1916 [86] Walter Cronkite, St Joseph MO, retired TV news anchor (“CBS Evening News” 1962-81)/often voted ‘The Most Trusted Man in America’
1929 [73] Doris Roberts, St Louis MO, TV actress (beat out 100 other actresses for the role of Marie Barone in “Everybody Loves Raymond”) NOTE: There are several different years listed for her birthday – she obviously lies about her age.
1969 [33] Matthew McConaughey, Uvalde TX, movie actor (“U-571″, “Contact”, “A Time to Kill”) UP NEXT: The romantic comedy “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” opening in FEBRUARY
1969 [33] P Diddy (Sean “Puffy” Combs), Harlem NY, hip-hop artist (w/Ginuwine-“I Need A Girl-Part Two”, “I’ll Be Missing You”)/producer responsible for over $100-million in record sales (Mariah Carey, Tupac Shakur, Mary J Blige etc) FACTOID: His 5-day, $1-million birthday bash begins TODAY in Marakesh, Morocco with King Mohammad VI picking up the tab.
1975 [27] Heather Tom, Hinsdale IL, TV soap opera actress (Victoria Newman-“The Young & The Restless” since 1991)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TONIGHT comedian Sean Cullen hosts the 17th annual “Gemini Awards” in Toronto as they hand out the hardware at Canada’s TV awards live on CBC-TV. Favorites to medal include “Made in Canada”, “Da Vinci’s Inquest” and “Cold Squad”.
NET: http://www.geminiawards.ca
TODAY is “National Children’s Goal-Setting Day”, to encourage parents to foster goal-setting habits in their children’s lives. (Children need more stress, ’cause they’re spending altogether too much time goofin’ around – acting like kids.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1993 [09] Jean Chrétien sworn in as Canada’s 20th PM (national day of mourning?)
1997 [05] Shania Twain releases smash album “Come On Over” (on this date in 1998, the album was certified 6-times Platinum)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1846 [156] 1st ‘artificial leg’ patented by Benjamin Palmer of Meredith NH (before that, he didn’t have a leg to stand on)
1880 [122] 1st ‘cash register’ patented (invented by James ‘Cha-ching’ Ritty to combat skimming by bartenders in his Dayton OH saloon)
1939 [63] 1st ‘air-conditioned car’ (Packard)
1980 [22] Ronald Reagan defeats Jimmy Carter by a landslide to become 1st divorcé, 1st actor & oldest US President
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Remembrance Day
[Tues] US Election Day
[Wed] Take Our Kids to Work Day (are you bringing yours into the studio?)
[Wed] Canadian Finals Rodeo begins (Edmonton)
[Wed] 36th Country Music Association Awards
[Wed] TV Hall of Fame Inductions
[Wed] Saxophone Day
[Wed] Ramadan begins
[Wed] Halfway Point of Autumn
[Thurs] PMS Stress Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Canadian Career Week
National Chemistry Week
Canadian Poppy Week
Kids Goals Education Week
Health Information Week
Card & Letter Writing Week
National Fig Week
French Conversation Week
World Communication Week
Notary Public Week
Pursuit of Happiness Week
Split Pea Soup Week
American Art Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If something has a lifetime guarantee will it stop working when you die?
• Is it a coincidence that ‘silent’ and ‘listen’ are spelled with the same letters?
• What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need ‘cheese shredders’?
• Why are they called milkshakes when they’ve already been shaken? Shouldn’t they be ‘milkshooks’?
• And for that matter, who was the first person to drink milk? What did that conversation go like? “Hey, see that big thing with horns over there? I think I’m going to see if the stuff coming out of its big pink thing is drinkable.” Had to be a stag party.
• Is it true that you’ll have a bad day if you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture?
• I am trying to trace my family tree but where exactly is Caucasia?
• Ever wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if there weren’t sponges?
• Doesn’t a label saying ‘New & Improved’ just mean the price went up?
• If you were another person would you like to be a friend of yours?
BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: The shortest ever recorded lasted just 4 seconds. What was it?
a) A marriage.
b) A professional boxing match.
c) A musical recording.
A: 28 years ago TODAY (1974) the shortest pro boxing match on record lasted 4 seconds into round 1 when Mike Collins KO-ed Pat Bronson with a single punch.
Q: Your pet just had a little baby called a ‘squeaker’. What is your pet?
a) Pigeon.
b) Pot-Bellied Pig.
c) Tarantula.
A: It’s a baby pigeon, according to “Disney Adventures”.
Q: It has 4 miles of corridors, 4000 windows and 1 employee working full time just to clean the clocks.
a) The Pentagon.
b) Parliament Buildings in Ottawa.
c) Buckingham Palace.
A: Buckingham Palace.
Q: You suffer from ‘ergasiophobia’. Of what do you have an abnormal fear?
a) Mexican Food.
b) Service Stations.
c) Work.
A: You’re afraid of any kind of work.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• What’s the strangest pet name you’ve heard for someone’s ‘special parts’?
• What’s the most ridiculous outfit you’ve seen on a woman in her ‘twilight years’?
• Actors Sarah Jessica Parker & Matthew Broderick have a cute new baby boy named James. Which famous couple would produce the ugliest offspring?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to “Men’s Health” magazine, this is at the top of the list of the words women want to hear out of guys.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: “I can’t wait to see you.”
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW:
Welcome to new BS samplers Ron Cohns @ KHUM Ferndale CA, Dan Hentschel @ KTXO Texarkana TX, Craig @ STAR 94 Atlanta GA, Mark Cole @ J104 Bluefield WV, and Lauri Salovaara @ KISS-FM Helsinki, Finland.
