Friday, November 30, 2001 Edition: #2187
December Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue!
YOUR CHEATIN’ HEART:
A University of Michigan study finds there are several tell-tale signs that indicate your spouse may be cheating on you. Among them — not saying ‘I love you’ as frequently, giving sudden and unexpected gifts, cutting short phone conversations when you enter the room, showing extra concern about what the opposite sex thinks of them, and — you gotta like this one — smelling different.
OTHER BS SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS CHEATING:
• Goes to visit his sick mother . . . who’s been dead 5 years.
• Takes birth control pills when you’ve had a vasectomy.
• Says you were great last night . . . and you were in Winnipeg.
• Wedding ring now being used as nose ring.
• There’s 3 gifts under the tree.
• Your back door now revolves.
• You reach into the closet and someone hands you your jacket.
• On her last conjugal visit, she was sporting a tattoo of somebody else’s bass boat.
• She’s got lipstick on her collar.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
SUNDAY’S “My VH1 Music Awards” features inventive categories that include ‘Must Have Album’, ‘Your Song Kicked Ass But Was Played Too Damn Much’, ‘Welcome to the Big Time’, ‘Is It Hot in Here or Is It Just My Video?’, ‘Best Kept Secret’, and ‘Damn I Wish I Wrote That!’ (http://www.vh1.com/mymusic/2001) . . . Buzz is ABC-TV may dump recently ratings-challenged “Who Wants A Millionaire?” as soon as THIS FALL (a year ago it was #1, but last week’s shows came in 40th and 72nd) . . . Ted Turner is opening a chain of bison meat restaurants that will make use of meat from his many ranches (buffalo & chips — mmm) . . . Highland Park MI residents are said to be PO’d over Eminem’s plans to burn down 3 vacant houses during the filming of his currently-shooting bio-movie (they claim it will cause confusion, because Detroit-area homes are normally burned down on “Hell Night” before Halloween) . . . Jennifer Aniston tells “German Cinema” magazine she’s worried a photo of her with former boyfriend Tate Donovan showing him naked and her in scanties will be sold to the highest bidder after being stolen earlier this year, and she doesn’t want hubby Brad Pitt to see it (don’t worry he won’t — unless he’s surfing anywhere on the Web) . . . Rumor has it the “Friends” cast has quit whining and decided to return for a 9th season thanks to their lukewarm movie careers (and their $750,000 weekly salaries no doubt) . . . And Tom Cruise & Penelope Cruz are set to be united in JANUARY, but don’t get too excited – it’ll be as side-by-side wax figures at Madame Tussaud’s museum in London (provided they’re still together in real life).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Owen Wilson & Gene Hackman star in the war drama “Behind Enemy Lines” as a Navy pilot shot down in enemy territory and the commanding officer who goes against orders to rescue him . . . Hilary Swank plays a pre-Revolution French aristocrat left penniless by political unrest in the period drama “The Affair of the Necklace” . . . James Van Der Beek, Rachael Leigh Cook and “Practice” star Dylan McDermott in the much-delayed Western adventure “Texas Rangers”, the story of the ragtag group given the job of cleaning up the Old West . . . And here’s something a tad different — “Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy”, a documentary about the famous porn star, opens in selected movie theaters. A good enough excuse to review the . . .
WORST BS PORN STAR NAMES:
• Dong DeLuise
• VD Givens
• Tug MaGroin
• Urethra Franklin
• The Notorious STD
• Eatapus Rex
• Mom
SO LONG HOLLYWOOD NORTH?
This could be bad news for Toronto, Montréal & Vancouver – there’s a proposal gaining support in Hollywood to battle what’s called ‘runaway production’ (movies shooting in Canada) by forcing American producers to pass on all Canadian government incentives and subsidies to the US government as a tariff, putting a crimp in the advantages of Hollywood coming north. (If that happens, the only thing shooting here will be “Police Academy XXIV”.)
CAN-STATS:
• Statistics from the Canadian Wildlife Service show that 150,000 Canadian women now go hunting at least once per year. (Check out the corner pub on a Saturday night.)
• A new report from the Canadian Institute for Health Information says that suicides are now most likely to be committed by middle-aged men, not teens as you might think. One study of recent suicide-related deaths found 79% of them involved men, whose average age was 44. (This mid-life crisis thing has gotten out of hand — get the Corvette and cheer up!)
TOY STORY:
When it comes to picking games, dolls and other toys for children, 90% of adult shoppers consider safety over price, according to a poll by “Prevention” magazine. (That’s why this year we’re spending the extra 20 bucks and getting the ‘Nerf Uzi’.)
FRIED FAT:
Plastic surgeons at the Sheba Medical Centre in Tel Aviv, Israel have developed a new machine they claim can ‘melt away’ body fat in painless and safe treatments that take about an hour. The gizmo uses high-frequency ultrasound waves to break down fat deposits which are then burned up naturally by the body. So far, the machine has only been tested on pigs. (Well isn’t that who it’s for?)
MIND’S EYE:
Our perception of some famous people would be quite different had they not died at a relatively early age. Try to picture John Belushi as he would be today at 52, Jimi Hendrix at 59, James Dean as 70, or Marilyn Monroe as she would be now at the age of 75. (Or to really give your imagination a hernia, try and picture Michael Jackson in 25 years at 66!)
THE BULL SHEET 11.30.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1929 [72] Dick Clark, Mt Vernon NY, TV producer (“Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”, “American Music Awards”, “Golden Globe Awards”, “Your Big Break”)/TV host (“Rockin’ New Year’s Eve”)
1937 [64] Ridley Scott, South Shields ENG, movie director (“Gladiator”, “Hannibal”) NEXT FILM: The military drama “Black Hawk Down”, opening JANUARY
1955 [46] Billy Idol (William Broad), Stanmore ENG, classic rock singer (“Mony Mony”, “White Wedding”)
1957 [44] Colin Mochrie, Kilmarnock SCOT [raised Vancouver], TV improv comedian (“Whose Line Is It Anyway?”, “This Hour Has 22 Minutes”, “Blackfly”)/former member Toronto Second City troupe who’s now appearing in a bazillion TV ads
1965 [36] Ben Stiller, NYC, movie actor/director (“Zoolander”, “Meet the Parents”, “There’s Something About Mary”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Gwyneth Paltrow in the comedy “The Royal Tenenbaums”, opening DECEMBER 14
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [66] Woody Allen (Allen Stewart Konigsberg), Brooklyn NY, film director/writer/actor (Oscars-“Annie Hall”, “Hannah & Her Sisters”)/Mr Soon Yi NEXT FILM: Directs & co-stars with “Will & Grace’s” Debra Messing in the comedy “Hollywood Ending”, opening in MAY
1945 [56] Bette Midler, Honolulu HI, movie actress (“First Wives Club”)/pop singer (“Wind Beneath My Wings”)
1954 [47] Bob Goen, Long Beach CA, TV host (Mary Hart’s co-anchor on “Entertainment Tonight”)
1966 [35] Larry Walker, Maple Ridge BC, MLB outfielder/slugger (Colorado Rockies)
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [47] Stone Phillips, Texas City TX, TV magazine co-host with Jane Pauley (“Dateline: NBC”, since 1992)
1968 [33] Lucy Liu, Queens NY, movie actress (“Charlie’s Angels”)/former TV actress (Ling Woo-“Ally McBeal” [1998-2001]) NEXT FILM: The Quentin Tarantino thriller “Kill Bill”, starring Warren Beatty & Uma Thurman, coming NEXT YEAR
1978 [23] Nelly Furtado, Victoria BC, pop singer (“Turn Off The Light”, “I’m Like a Bird”)
1981 [20] Britney Spears, Kentwood, LA, pop singer (“I’m A Slave 4 U”, “Baby One More Time”) NOTE: Makes her movie debut in “Crossroads” opening FEBRUARY 15 and will appear as herself in “Austin Powers: Goldmember”
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “St Andrew’s Day”, honoring the patron saint of Scotland who hurled his last haggis in 60 AD. (Be sure to dust off your sporran!)
TODAY is “Stay Home Because You’re Well Day”, a day to call in ‘well’ instead of having to fake sickness in order to get a day off. (Yeah right, try this and you can stay home EVERY day.)
TODAY is “Computer Security Day”, to remind us to protect our computers, programs and data at home and work. (Remember, always practice ‘safe surfin’!)
TOMORROW New York State’s ban against drivers using hand-held cell phones goes into full effect. Only calls made using a hands-free device, such as a headset or speakerphone, will be allowed. Violators can be fined $100 per incident. (Why is this taking so long to catch on elsewhere?)
TOMORROW is the 13th annual “World AIDS Day”, a day of AIDS awareness and education, first declared by the UN’s World Health Organization in 1988. The UN estimates 40 million people worldwide are now carrying the virus and well over 16 million have now died of HIV/AIDS-related causes. University of Toronto researchers announced THIS WEEK they’re launching a major study to find out why HIV and AIDS rates in Canada’s gay community are rising again after several years of decline.
ON THIS DAY . . .
2000 [01] “Just Shoot Me” star David Spade is ‘shot’ with stun gun by longtime personal assistant David Warren Malloy during burglary of his Beverly Hills home
1998 [03] Lucien Bouchard’s Parti Québecois win majority of seats in Québec election, although Jean Charest’s Liberals receive most votes
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1887 [114] 1st ‘softball game’ (as ‘indoor baseball’ is played in Chicago using broomstick for a bat and boxing glove for a ball)
1900 [101] 1st ‘front-wheel drive’ car (Germany)
1991 [10] 1st ‘Women’s World Cup of Soccer’ is won by USA, vs Norway (no shirts removed)
1970 [31] 1st-ever ‘triple’ album (George Harrison-“All Things Must Pass”)
BS DECEMBER PLANNING CALENDAR . . .
[Dec 1] Advent Sunday (boys & girls, start your calendars!)
[Dec 1] Bifocals at the Monitor Day
[Dec 2] Deaf Heritage Week / Traveler’s with Disabilities Awareness Week / Cookie Cutter Week / National Tolerance Week / Christmas Tree Week
[Dec 2] Pan American Health Day
[Dec 3] National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day (makes a dumb lookin’ hat)
[Dec 4] Wear Brown Shoes Day
[Dec 4] 2001 Billboard Music Awards (Las Vegas)
[Dec 4] Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day
[Dec 5] National Bathtub Party Day
[Dec 5] National Tinsel Day
[Dec 5] World premiere of “Ocean’s Eleven” (Las Vegas)
[Dec 6] Mitten Tree Day
[Dec 6] Pawnbrokers Day
[Dec 7] Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day (in memory of the movie that died at the box office)
[Dec 8] Take It In The Ear Day
[Dec 9] National Pastry Day
[Dec 9] Personal Passion Day (aka ‘Paul Reubens Day’)
[Dec 9] Civil Rights Week / Human Rights Week / National Drunk Drivers Awareness Week
[Dec 10] Human Rights Day
[Dec 10] Finance Minister Paul Martin announces Federal Budget
[Dec 10] World premiere of ”Lord of the Rings” movie (London)
[Dec 10-17] Hanukkah
[Dec 12] National Ding-A-Ling Day
[Dec 13-17] World Scrabble Championship (Las Vegas)
[Dec 14] Halcyon Days (7 days before & after winter solstice)
[Dec 16] Barbie & Barney Backlash Day
[Dec 16] National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
[Dec 16] Tell Someone They’re Doing a Good Job Week
[Dec 17] Eid ul Fitr (Ramadan ends)
[Dec 17] National Maple Syrup Day
[Dec 18] International Language Week
[Dec 21] Underdog Day
[Dec 21] Look At The Bright Side Day
[Dec 21] National Flashlight Day
[Dec 21] Humbug Day
[Dec 21] Yule (Wicca/pagan)
[Dec 24] National Egg Nog Day
[Dec 25] A’ Phabet Day (as in No ‘L’)
[Dec 26] National Whiners Day
[Dec 26-Jan 1] Kwanzaa
[Dec 27] National Fruitcake Day
[Dec 28] Card Playing Day
[Dec 30] National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day
[Dec 31] Make Up Your Mind Day
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: In the late ‘80s, this 2-sport athlete was inescapable as one of the top commercial endorsement personalities. But since, he’s virtually disappeared. Who is he?
A: Former football (Raiders) and baseball (Royals, White Sox) player Bo Jackson, most famous for his ‘Bo knows . . .’ series of Nike ads. A severely injured hip in 1991 led to the demise of his athletic career and thus his big-money endorsement deals. Bo turns 39 TODAY.
Q: Where is the windiest place on Earth?
A: Nope, not Taco Bell. Antarctica is the windiest place on Earth — also the coldest and driest.
Q: Which came first, Britney Spears or the world’s first ‘globe factory’?
A: Brit was born in 1981, long after the first globe factory opened in 1813.
Q: Both your wife and your pet moose get pregnant on the same day (geez, busy weren’t you?). Which will deliver a little bundle of joy first?
A: A moose’s gestation period is 240 days. For humans, it’s a month longer.
BS TAG LINE:
Be courteous to everyone. You never know who might show up on the jury.
