Tuesday, November 27, 2001        Edition: #2184
BS: Helping You Grab Radio By The Horns!

BS QUESTIONS YOU’LL WISH YOU HADN’T ASKED:
• “When you say ‘about average’, exactly how many other men are you comparing me to?”
• “Why is this chair wet?”
• “What’s inside this letter from the government?”
• “If that’s not chocolate, then what is it?”
• “What’s keeping that beltless vagrant’s pants up?”
• “Honey, why are you so sick each morning?”
• “No, I don’t have life insurance. Why do you ask?”
• “How contagious are you?”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Paul McCartney’s “Concert for New York City” is being released in a 2-CD set, with a DVD and VHS soon to follow . . . Here comes another TV sweeps stunt – TONIGHT NBC airs a special ‘celebrity’ episode of its sheep-eyeball-eating reality series “Fear Factor” that includes the likes of Coolio, David Hasselhoff, Donny Osmond and Chyna from the WWF (sort of a ‘where are they now?’ show) . . . Critics say that there are at least a dozen mistakes in the ‘Harry Potter’ movie, but Warner Bros probably doesn’t much care as the film’s already more than made back the $125 million it cost to produce – in just 2 weekends! . . . Word is that experimental radiosurgery George Harrison underwent in a Staten Island hospital has NOT stopped his brain tumor from spreading and he may have less than a week to live . . .  Snoop Dogg is said to have the inside track to play the ‘Huggy Bear’ role in the planned bigscreen version of ‘70s TV cop show “Starsky and Hutch” (rumored to star Ben Stiller & Vince Vaughn) . . . Buzz has it Charlie Sheen is developing a serious relationship with former ‘Bond girl’ Denise Richards, his “Spin City” co-star for 5 episodes this season (word is he fell in love when he found out that, unlike his previous ‘girlfriends’, she doesn’t charge) . . . And doctors who now attribute Sharon Stone’s recent stroke to excessive intense training for a charity run are lobbying to name the increasingly common condition ‘Stone Syndrome’ (it can also be brought on by excessive crotch draft).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Slim pickin’s this week – Jon Favreau & Vince Vaughn in the crime comedy “Made”, about two aspiring boxers who become involved in a money-laundering scheme through contact with organized crime . . . Volumes 37 & 38 of the original “Star Trek” series are out on both DVD and VHS . . . And there’s a new DVD version of the 1988 Ron Howard fantasy/adventure “Willow”, starring Val Kilmer.

KIDS THESE DAYS:
A recent poll in “New Woman” magazine found that 80% of young people usually give up their seat on a bus or train for a pregnant or elderly person. (To give themselves better odds of getting away with the purse.)

MEN HAPPILY MARRIED:
Men have a rosier view of marriage than women according to a Yale University survey. Men have a more positive perspective on just about every aspect of their marriage including finances, communication and lovemaking. (“Five minutes. That’s pretty good, isn’t it?”)

REAL MEN WEEP:
Despite public perception, studies show the average man cries 1,258 times in his lifetime. (Especially when Green Bay Packers fail to cover the spread.)

WHAT WOMEN WANT:
• When pollsters asked over a thousand women to choose one thing they wanted more of, 20% opted for ‘a good night’s sleep’, and 15% selected ‘time alone’ over ‘having extra cash’ or ‘steamy sex.’
• The more children a woman has, the less likely she is to commit suicide, according to a study of 1 million women over 25 by the University of Tromso in Norway. (Children give women a reason to live – unending lectures on “the things I went through for you . . .”)

SURFERS SOAR:
The Web will have at least 1 BILLION users worldwide by the end of 2004, according to a new report by the UN Conference on Trade and Development. (Oh good, more e-mail.)

TALL TALE:
A 6′-5″ woman has married a 7-ft foot man to become what is believed to be the UK’s, if not the world’s, tallest couple. (Experts say they stand a 92% chance of having a child that will be described as ‘strapping’.)

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A man in Swansea, Wales has been banned from driving for 18 months after he was pulled over for running a red light SUNDAY. The penalty seems a bit severe? Well, there’s more – he was drunk . . . and he was talking on his cell phone . . . using his only available arm, thanks to losing the other one in a previous driving mishap. (Fortunately he DID remember to bring along his guide dog.)
• Australia’s first ‘smell bank’ has been created by Richard Gawel, a sensory scientist from Adelaide who holds the recipes for more than 200 smells. Among them — the scent of a sheep shearing shed, the whiff of cats’ urine, and the aroma of many of the fine Aussie wines. (A combination of the first two.)
• A Saudi-based business conglomerate is hiring a British public relations firm in order to upgrade its image. What’s the prob? The tarnished company in question is the ‘Bin Laden Group’. (Which was referred to the PR agency by Taliban Holdings Inc.)

BS NEW-CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘OB’ — An unliked co-worker, short for ‘Office Bitch’. (“Shh! Here comes the OB.”)
• ‘Spazmastical’ — Magical. (“I don’t care what you say, that Harry Potter film is spazmastical.”)
• ‘F-A-C’ — Chilly, as in ‘Freezing Ass Cold’ (“Turn up the heat, it’s FAC in here!”)
• ‘Schmegegkes’ [SHMEG-keys] — Leftover food. (“Man, your fridge is jammed with disgusting schmegegkes!”)

THE BULL SHEET 11.27.01

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [D-1973] Bruce Lee (Li Jun Fan), San Francisco CA, martial artist/chop-socky actor (“Fists of Fury”, “Enter the Dragon”) who will be brought back for another film through computer wizardry

1942 [D-1970] Jimi (James Marshall) Hendrix, Seattle WA, rock guitar legend (“Purple Haze”, “All Along the Watchtower”) who’s made far more money since he died than he did while living

1955 [46] Bill Nye, Washington DC, wacky TV scientist (‘technical expert’ on ”BattleBots”, “Bill Nye the Science Guy”)

1956 [45] Rick Rockwell (Balkey), Pittsburgh PA, standup comedian who achieved 15 minutes of infamy portraying ‘wealthy real estate developer’ and briefly wedding Darva Conger on FOX-TV special “Who Wants To Marry A Multimillionaire?” in 2000

1962 [39] Charlie Benante, thrash metal drummer with Anthrax, which thanks to bio-terrorism is getting more publicity than it ever did in 20 years (TOMORROW Anthrax appears with reunited Twisted Sister and other metal heads for a 9/11 benefit concert at NYC’s Hammerstein Ballroom

1964 [37] Robin Givens, NYC, movie actress (“A Rage in Harlem”) most famous for briefly wedding Mike Tyson

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
THIS MONTH is “International Drum Month”. So . . .
• What do you call a drummer with half a brain? [Gifted.]
• Why do bands need roadies? [To translate what the drummer says.]
• What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? [You only have to punch the info into a drum machine once.]
• Why is a drum machine better than a drummer? [Because it can keep a steady beat and won’t sleep with your girlfriend.]
• How can you tell when a drummer’s at the door? [The knocking speeds up.]
• What’s the best way to confuse a drummer? [Put a sheet of music in front of him.]
• What’s the difference between a podiatrist and a drummer? [A podiatrist bucks up your feet.]

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Jean Chrétien easily wins 3rd mandate as PM as Liberals win re-election

2000 Magician David Blaine begins 58-hour ‘endurance experience’ in 6-ton block of ice in NYC’s Times Square (culminates in ABC-TV special “David Blaine: Frozen in Time”)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1995 [06] “The Beatles’: Anthology I” sets 1st-week album sales record (1.2 million units, later surpassed by others)

1996 [05] R Kelly releases hit single “I Believe I Can Fly”

1997 [04] Funeral for suicide victim Michael Hutchence, lead singer of INXS (Sydney AUS)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1826 [175] 1st ‘friction match’ developed by John Walker of England (leads to favorite set-up line “You got a match?”)

1952 [49] 1st ‘3-D movie’ premieres (“Bwana Devil”)

1955 [46] 1st edition of the “Guinness Book of World Records” (which promptly sets a record for sales of record books)

1960 [41] 1st NHL player to score 1,000 points (Gordie Howe, who a year later to the day becomes 1st to play in 1,000 NHL games)

1983 [18] 1st ‘indoor Grey Cup’ (Toronto 18, BC 17 at BC Place)

1994 [07] 1st US-based team to appear in a Grey Cup (Baltimore loses 26-23 to BC)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1966 [35] Highest-scoring NFL game (Washington Redskins 72, NY Giants 41)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Electronic Greetings Day
[Fri] Computer Security Day
[Fri] Stay At Home Because You’re Well Day
[Dec 10-17] Hanukkah
Game & Puzzle Week
Alcohol Education Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Who starts the most arguments — husbands or wives?” (Married women are more willing to get into an argument than their husbands. A University of California at Berkeley study shows most wives look forward to getting down to issues, while most men would rather avoid it.)
• “What’s the dumbest thing you ever put on your résumé?” (Personnel executive Robert Half has compiled a collection of goof-ups made by job applicants. Some of the worst include: “I am a rabid typist”, “Operated Pitney Bones machines”, and “Hope to hear from you shorty”.)
• “Could you pass a Canadian citizenship test?” (A recent survey shows nearly half of Canadians would fail the immigrant citizenship test. Only 63% know the first 2 lines of the national anthem, just 22% can name the original 4 provinces [ON, QC, NB, NS], and 57% wrongly name the PM as ‘head of state’ [it’s QEII].)

BS DEFINITIONS:
• Adult — a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
• Chickens — the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
• Handkerchief — cold storage.
• Secret — something you tell to one person at a time.
• Skeleton — a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
• Toothache — the pain that drives you to extraction.
• Tomorrow — one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
• Yawn — an honest opinion openly expressed.

BS TRIVIA:
Q: What type of headache can be inherited?
A: Migraine.

Q: What’s the 2nd-largest city in France, after Paris?
A: Marseilles.
(Source: “Trivia Quest Magazine”)

BS TAG LINE:
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.