Thursday, November 15, 2001 Edition: #2176
Bovine Defecation That’s State-of-the-Art!
TODAY is “National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day”, time to hunt down and throw out that green-crusted pork chop from last summer’s BBQ, the moldy mayo jar, and any other ‘mystery items’ you find. Not sure if yours needs doing? Here’s some . . .
BS SIGNS YOUR FRIDGE NEEDS CLEANING:
• It’s that ‘70s shade of avocado green — on the inside.
• Even the baking soda is moldy.
• Your kids’ Easter eggs have grown a nice comb-over.
• You spread cheese on a cracker, then realize it was actually chicken.
• You find a note that says, “We are out of beer, signed The Meatloaf”.
• Your vegetable crisper is making its own soup.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
THIS WEEK “Lady Diana — A Smile Enchants the World”, a stage musical about the life and death of Princess Di, opened to a half-empty theater and ‘polite applause’ in the town of Saarbruecken (who woulda thought a light-hearted German musical with an on-stage car crash and a scene illustrating bulimia wouldn’t be a hit? Is this a Mel Brooks production?) . . . Poor Diana Ross emerged from a limo at the NYC premiere of ”Harry Potter & The Sorcerer’s Stone” to chants of “Cher! Cher!” from the young crowd (oops!, you know you’re a has-been when . . .) . . . Publisher Simon & Schuster has chickened out of publishing a book about how men can satisfy women by “Sex & the City” vamp Kim Cattrall (ex-Vancouverite) when it learned the self-helper would include explicit photos (guess we’ll just have to watch the show for tips) . . . Paul McCartney has just admitted he used to have a cocaine habit but says late wife Linda helped him kick it (then got him hooked on veggie burgers) . . . Mick Jagger says his children are embarrassed to be seen with him because of the way he dresses (well, at least the ones he’s met) . . . Word is Matt Damon is undergoing hypnosis therapy to try to solve his — snoring problem (seems he’s ‘The Talented Mr Ripper’) . . . And rumor has it Renee Zellweger has pulled the plug on her much-publicized relationship with George Clooney because the self-described ‘confirmed bachelor’ just isn’t ready to quit chasing skirt.
FUTURE FILMS:
Tom Cruise is set to star in “Cold Mountain”, described as a Civil War story (based on his marriage to Nicole Kidman?) . . . Welsh singer Shirley Bassey, who sang the theme from the ‘James Bond’ film “Goldfinger”, is being lined up for the title tune to Mike Myers’ next ‘Austin Powers’ spoof, “Goldmember” (“Goooold MEM-bah . . .”) . . . The upcoming comedy “Smack in the Puss”, about 3 generations of a dysfunctional family, will star Kirk Douglas, his son Michael Douglas, and likely Michael’s 23-year-old son, Cameron (in other words, 3 generations of a dysfunctional family) . . . Australian paranormal researcher ‘Tim the Yowie Man’ is accusing Disney of faking ‘crop circles’ around-the-world as a publicity stunt to promote “Signs”, an upcoming movie starring Mel Gibson as a farmer who discovers a crop circle in his field (in it’s defense, Disney says any guy named ‘Tim the Yowie Man’ is too Mickey Mouse for even us to comment on).
PLAYING THE BOSS:
According to a study in “Men’s Health” magazine, there are 3 main types of bosses –
• ‘The Cheerleader’ – most interested in increasing his or her POPULARITY.
• ‘The Kick-Ass Boss’ — demands results that increase POWER and reputation.
• ‘The Play-It-Safe Boss’ — wants to enhance the SECURITY of his or her position.
The trick to advancement, experts say, is to identify which type you have and then respond to their particular needs. (The study will be further outlined in the upcoming book “A Complete Guide to Ass-Kissing”.)
GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• Digital smells are being developed for computer games, DVDs and Websites, using a cartridge similar to those in ink-jet printers. (“Are we having tuna casserole for dinner or is Junior just playing “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” again?”)
• Virginia researchers are developing a new type of bifocals with an ‘autofocus’ lens. The eyeglasses will project an invisible beam on whatever you’re looking at, then an embedded micro-chip will calculate the power needed to bring it into focus and adjust the lens accordingly. The new glasses will look and cost the same as regular eyewear, but won’t be available for about 4 years. (Cool, soon you’ll be able to read that 1-point font fine print on your VISA bill!)
• Delta BC entrepreneur Dawn Van Zant is launching a new service called ‘Pantygrams’. You choose the underwear and say where to send it and it will be delivered in a box with a sound chip that shouts out ‘Yoo-hoo! Pantygram!’ when it’s opened.
PHONER: 866-PANTYGRAMS (order line)/888-368-8703 or 604-948-0871 (Darci Danyliu)
SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO:
A new study in ”Fortune” magazine suggests that by age 55 most people are only about 75% as capable of learning and remembering new things as at age 25. Why? By late middle age, most of us lose about 1% of our brain volume — per year. (Let’s see, what’s 1% of a pea?)
QUICKIES IN THE NEW MILLENNIUM:
Heard of ‘Speed Dating’? It’s a trademarked concept created a couple years back by a Los Angeles rabbi as a method for marriage-minded people to swiftly evaluate potential partners. The idea has quickly caught on worldwide. Basically, it involves dozens of ‘3-minute dates’ at a sitting, during which poignant questions are asked of each partner such as . . .
• How often do you speak with your parents?
• Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
• Do you want to have kids?
• Describe a recent meaningful experience.
• Ever done any volunteer work?
• What’s your favorite human quality?
The idea is to find a soul-mate by quickly eliminating people who don’t share your beliefs and values. (Questions [your co-host] asks on a Speed Date — “Do you do it on the first date? No? OK, who’s next?”)
PHONER: 905-764-1808 (Speed Dating Hotline-Thornhill ON) or check for a listing in your market.
PHONER: 847-853-0474 (Wilmette IL)/704-552-6832 (Charlotte NC) or check for a listing in your market.
THE BULL SHEET 11.15.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1929 [72] Ed Asner, Kansas City MO, former TV actor (“Mary Tyler Moore”) whose 7 Emmys make him the most honored male performer in the awards’ history NOTE: Screen Actors Guild will present him with a “Life Achievement Award” at annual “SAG Awards” MARCH 10
1940 [61] Sam Waterston, Cambridge MA, TV actor (Ass’t DA Jack McCoy-“Law & Order”, since 1994)
1945 [56] Frida Lyngstad, Narvik NOR, oldies singer (ABBA-“Dancing Queen) NOTE: After selling over 350 million records worldwide, group is enjoying a revival thanks to the nostalgic stage musical “Mamma Mia”
1957 [44] Kevin Eubanks, Philadelphia PA, guitarist/bandleader (“Tonight Show With Jay Leno”, since 1995)
1968 [33] ODB [Ol’ Dirty Bastard] (Russell Jones), Staten Island NY, rap artist (Wu Tang Clan-“Reunited”) who knows most law officers by name
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] National Educational Support Personnel Day
[USA] America Recycles Day (http://www.americarecyclesday.org)
TODAY is the annual “Great American Smokeout”, traditionally the third Thursday in November. The concept dates from the early ’70s when Lynn Smith, publisher of the “Monticello Times” in Minnesota, announced the first observance and called it ‘D Day’. The idea caught on in state after state until in 1977, it went nationwide under the sponsorship of the American Cancer Society. If past smokeouts are any indication, as many as one-third of the nation’s 46 million smokers could be taking the day off from smoking.
NET: http://www.quitsmoking.com/kopykit/reports/smokeout.htm
TODAY is “Beaujolais Nouveau Day”, the annual limited release of young Burgundy wines from France as a preview of the year’s grape crop. More than 20 million bottles were trucked to French airports on the weekend, destined for wine enthusiasts in the US, Canada and Japan.
TODAY is “George Spelvin Day” (female variation ‘Georgette’ or ‘Georgina’), commemorating the 1886 invention of the name used on Broadway for actors who have more than one role in a play. The fictitious name has appeared in over 10,000 Broadway programs. (The name “Walter Plinge” is similarly used on the British stage.)
THIS WEEK is “National Children’s Book Week”. As a public service, here’s some . . .
BS CHILDREN’S BOOKS NOT RECOMMENDED:
• “The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins & the Vice Squad”
• “Daddy Loses His Job & Finds the Bottle”
• “Controlling The Playground: Respect Through Fear”
• “The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy”
• “Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”
• [DISCRETION] “Where the Curly Red Fur Grows”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1926 [75] National Broadcasting Company’s on-air debut (‘Must-See Radio’)
1969 [32] 1st Wendy’s fast-food restaurants open (“Hey look, them burgers is square!”)
1976 [25] Parti Quebecois 1st wins election victory in Quebec but leader Rene Levesque says it’s too early to talk about separation (and apparently it STILL is)
1981 [20] At 5-11, Ottawa becomes 1st CFL team to advance to Grey Cup with a losing record (may happen with the Western team this year)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1948 [53] Canada’s longest-serving Prime Minister, William Lyon Mackenzie King, retires after serving as PM 3 times for a total of 22 years
1974 [27] Rock group Faces releases tune with longest title — “You Can Make Me Dance, Sing or Anything (Even Take the Dog for a Walk, Mend a Fuse, Fold Away the Ironing Board, Or Any Other Domestic Shortcomings)”
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Thanksgiving Day
[Fri] ‘Harry Potter’ movie released
[Sat] Take A Hike Day
[Sat] National Homemade Bread Day
[Tues] Name Your PC Day
[Wed] World Hello Day
Random Acts of Kindness Week
Lung Cancer Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
The ratings for “Survivor: Africa” are down about a third from the previous installment. Why aren’t you watching? No likable contestants? Too much whining? Too much of the same old thing?
HAIRS TO YA!
Are the following statements about hair TRUTH or total BS?
• Actor Danny DeVito once went to hairdressing school. (TRUTH, according to “Biography” magazine.)
• During the Renaissance, fashionable Italian women shaved their hair several inches back
from their natural hairline. (TRUTH. Check out the ‘Mona Lisa’.)
• Many insects hear with their hair. (TRUTH)
• The first hair spray was developed in the 16th century so Queen Elizabeth I could maintain her bonnet-style ‘do. (Total BS. L’Oreal introduced the 1st hair spray, called ‘Elnett’, in 1960.)
• Rabbits are born hairless. (TRUTH, but hares are born covered with fur.)
• George Clooney made his movie debut at age 18 with a bit part in the 1979 bigscreen version of the rock musical “Hair”. (BS. His first movie was the 1987 B-movie fright-flick, “Return to Horror High”, according to the Internet Movie DataBase.)
• The world’s smallest known primate is the ‘hairy-eared dwarf lemur’. (TRUTH! The native of Madagascar weighs just 3-and-a-half ounces.)
• Yarn spun from animal hair is called ‘skein’. (BS. Does the word ‘wool’ ring a bell?)
• If the normal 100-thousand hairs on a human head were woven into a rope, it could support a weight of more than 12 tons. (TRUTH!)
BS TAG LINE:
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
