Friday, November 2, 2001        Edition: #2167
To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

TODAY is “Plan Your Epitaph Day”, dedicated to the proposition that a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death. The idea is to get creative NOW — while you still can.
Here’s a few famous ones . . .
• WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: “Curst be he that moves my bones.”
• WC FIELDS: “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”
• EDGAR ALLAN POE: “Quoth the Raven, ‘Nevermore’.”
• WB CARTOON VOICE MEL BLANC: “That’s All Folks!”
Here’s a few suggested ones . . .
• MISTER ROGERS: “Can you say corpse?”
• HOMER SIMPSON: “Ummmmm . . . fresh maggots!”
• REGIS PHILBIN: “Final Answer?”
• ANNE ROBINSON: “I AM The Deadest Link!”
• SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC: “I Do Not Recognize God’s Authority To Detain Me Here.”
• MICK JAGGER: “Time Is Not On My Side, No It Isn’t.”
• DENNIS MILLER: “Yeah, I feel like Moe Green 20 minutes after the masseur left in a black limo to have mimosas and shrimp cocktails over brunch with Michael Corleone’s niece.”
• WILLIAM SHATNER: “Beamed up!”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT ABC-TV premieres “America ’01”, a new news magazine dealing with how the country has changed since 9/11 (like there’s an infinitesimal detail we haven’t heard about) . . . SUNDAY Ellen DeGeneres hosts a 3rd and final try at handing out the twice-postponed “53rd Annual Emmy Awards” at LA’s relatively-small Shubert Theater, but it’s likely to be less than festive (for one thing, everyone’s afraid of opening those envelopes!) . . . SUNDAY one of the year’s most-anticipated films, “Harry Potter & the Philosopher’s Stone” (to be called “Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone” in North America when it opens NOVEMBER 16), premieres in London (12-year-old Daniel Radcliffe, who beat out 40,000 hopefuls for the title role, had to have many of his lines dubbed-in because his voice reached puberty mid-shoot) . . . And flash-in-the-pan boy band Hanson is suing MP3.com, alleging copyright infringement for the digital downloading of their music (so far, they’ve lost almost 3 bucks in royalties).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
The animated family comedy “Monsters Inc”, about a utility company that generates energy from the goose bumps of children (wow, would that work?) features the voices of Billy Crystal & John Goodman in the latest collaboration between “Toy Story”-makers Disney & Pixar (it’s already predicted to be a major hit and the pre-show trailers for “Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones” and “Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone” won’t hurt things) . . . John Travolta & Vince Vaughn star in the thriller “Domestic Disturbance”, about a divorced father whose 11-year-old son, a chronic liar, accuses his new stepfather of committing murder . . . Jet Li in the action adventure “The One”, as a sheriff’s deputy who fights an alternate universe version of himself who grows stronger with each alternate self he kills (the ‘evil twin’ plot magnified by 10) . . . And the  Kevin Kline drama “Life As a House” opens wide, the story of a terminal cancer patient who attempts to make the most of the time he has left.

GRIDIRON GIRLS:
The new ‘Women’s American Football League’ (WAFL) has debuted with 17 teams, including the Oakland Banshees, the New Orleans Voodoo Dolls and the Minneapolis Vixen. It touts itself as ‘The Premiere National Women’s Full Contact Smash-Mouth American Pro Tackle Football League’ (it’s also the ONLY women’s pro football league). Most games take place in rented high school stadiums and players get a share of profits, about $100 per game. (Guess now it’s OK for [your co-host] to be dating a tight end.)
PHONER: 386-255-6211 (Media Relations Director Carter Turner–Daytona Beach FL)
NET: http://www.womensamericanfootball.com

VIRTUALLY ANGRY:
We’ve suffered through ‘road rage’ and ‘phone rage’ and now comes – ‘e-rage’. A new NOP Omnibus survey finds 61% of Internet surfers have experienced it, the most common causes are from being ‘timed out’ or finding that Web pages aren’t available. How do you know if you’re afflicted? Signs of e-rage can include shouting at partners or pets, and swearing or hitting the computer. (Sounds like a regular day at the home office to me.)

WEDDED BLISS:
A new aging study finds seniors who are married are far more likely to eat breakfast, wear seatbelts and not smoke, leading to longer, healthier lives. (Also more likely to say things like, “47 years! 47 years I put up with you!”)

WHAT WOMEN WANT:
According to “Demographics” magazine, single women out-spend single men on new cars (by double), sugary junk food, fats and oils, and, not surprisingly, clothes, shoes, dry cleaning and jewelry. (You can’t REALLY understand how  women outspend men — until you marry one.)

ANATOMY OF A BULLY:
A study in “American Journal of Psychiatry” finds that juvenile delinquents have heartbeats that are slower by an average of 9 beats a minute, and ‘sweat rates’ 3 times slower than non-delinquents. (That’s why the school bully could kick your ass without even breaking a sweat.)

JOB JITTERS:
A Robert Half International survey asked employees of 1,000 large companies what causes them the most stress on-the-job. Fear of losing the job was #1, cited by 41%. (The rest were honest and said ‘showing up’.)

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• German inventor Andreas Wuellner is patenting the ‘Smell-a-Phone’, a device to make mobile phones emit perfume instead of irritating ring-tones. (Creating another reason for the question, “Phew, who died in here?”)
• Slovakians have been buried with an object of value for generations, a tradition that’s wreaking havoc lately as many are choosing to take a mobile phone with them. A funeral was halted at graveside recently when a son asked to check the batteries of the cell phone he’d placed in his father’s coffin. Another funeral was interrupted when a mourner called the phone in his deceased friend’s pocket, causing the ringing tones of the “William Tell Overture” to echo from within the casket. (I wonder . . . can you call collect?)
• In Las Vegas, the first plastic surgery clinic for pets has opened up. (Let me tell you – 8 fake boobs ain’t cheap!)
• The Dynamo Berlin soccer club was about to file for bankruptcy when the local chapter of the Hell’s Angels motorcycle club stepped in to pay their debts and take over ownership. (The players say they’re not sure whether the team will get any better, but the half-time beer bashes certainly make losing a lot easier to take!)
• A study by a team of psychologists from Britain’s University of Leicester is attempting to determine if music encourages cows to produce more milk. The farmyard playlist includes everything from jazz to classical to cheesy ‘80s ballads. (The hard part is teaching the cows to operate the CD changer.)

THE BULL SHEET 11.02.01

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [40] kd (Katherine Dawn) lang, Consort AB, pop singer (“Summerfling”, “Constant Craving”)/actress Leisha Hailey’s partner

1969 [32] Reginald “Fieldy” Arvizu, Bakersfield CA, rock bassist (Korn-“Issues”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1921 [80] Charles Bronson, Ehrenfeld PA, former tough-guy movie actor (“Death Wish I-V”, “The Dirty Dozen”)

1952 [49] Roseanne (Thomas-Arnold-Barr), Salt Lake City UT, ex-TV talk show host (“The Roseanne Show”)/ex-TV sitcom actress (“Roseanne”)/ex-Mrs Tom Arnold

1953 [48] Dennis Miller, Pittsburgh PA, “NFL Monday Night Football” analyst/HBO-TV host (“Dennis Miller Show”)/movie actor (“Joe Dirt”, “Murder at 1600″)

1953 [48] Kate Capshaw (Kathleen Nail), Ft Worth TX, Mrs Steven Spielberg since 1991 (5 children)/sometime movie actress (“How to Make an American Quilt”, “Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom”)

1954 [47] Kathy Kinney, Stevens Point WI, ample TV actress with penchant for makeup (Mimi Bobeck-“The Drew Carey Show”, since 1995)

1956 [45] Phil Simms, Lebanon KY, yacky NFL analyst (CBS-TV)/ex-NFL QB (NY Giants-Super Bowls in 1987, 1991)

1968 [33] Paul Quantrill, London ON, All-Star MLB middle relief pitcher (Toronto Blue Jays)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[International] “World Community Day” (yeah, right)
[ND/SD] Admission Day (1889)

TODAY is “All Souls’ Day”, the excuse for an annual tradition in Santiago, Guatemala — the “Kite Festival”, when natives send massive, extremely colorful kites up to the heavens in an effort to communicate with the dead. (No response so far. Guess that’s why they keep trying every year.)

TODAY is “National Men Make Dinner Day”. Hey, where there’s smoke, there’s your husband cooking! (Or is that an out-dated stereotype?)

TODAY is “National Deviled Egg Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘Watch Dad Evacuate an Entire Store in 10 Seconds Day’.)

TOMORROW is “National Gambling Addiction Awareness Day”. (Bet you didn’t know that!)

TOMORROW is “Sandwich Day”, celebrating the 1718 birth of John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A compulsive gambler, he wanted something that could be eaten at gaming tables and earned immortality through his habit of eating beef between slices of toast. (Ask listeners for the weirdest sandwich they’ve ever eaten.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1920 [81] KDKA Pittsburgh signs on as world’s 1st ‘commercial radio station’ (as 8XK)

1936 [65] ‘Canadian Broadcasting Act’ creates the CBC (back when Lloyd was a boy)

1999 [02] 1st sports league to create its own 24-hour TV network (NBA.com TV)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1878 [123] World record 55-foot-long squid captured off Newfoundland (calamares for everyone on the bay, b’y!)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Sadie Hawkins Day (when girls ask guys out on a date — or so we’ve heard)
[Sat] Housewife’s Day (whoa, is this PC?)
[Sat] National Cliche Day (Another day, another cliche. Every cliche has its day.)
[Sun] National Children’s Goal-Setting Day (hey Junior, try not to fluffy all day.)
[Sun] 26th NYC Marathon (http://www.nyrrc.org/nyrrc/marathon/home.html)
National Fig Week
World Communications Week
National Raisin Bread Month
TV Sweeps Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTERS:
• “Have the new warnings and graphic pictures on cigarette packaging had any impact on your habit?” (We heard of one smoker who’s collecting all the pics of gross diseased organs to form an entire body. YESTERDAY the ‘Ministerial Advisory Council on Tobacco Control’ presented new recommendations calling for plain packaging on cigarettes and banning the listing of tar levels. We’re betting all these ideas have little impact on addicted users. Why don’t they hire smokers to come up with warnings and deterrents?)
• “How many e-mails do you get each day? How many of them do you actually want?” (According to consulting firm Rogen International, in 1995 employees sent a daily average of 3 e-mails from work and received 5, but now send an average of 20 and receive 30.)

BS FOOTSIES:
Q: You have the disgusting habit of chewing on your ‘hallux’. What the heck is it?
A: You must be a contortionist because, according to the “Oxford Dictionary”, it’s an archaic word for the big toe.

Q: Who has more legs, diminutive San Diego Chargers QB Doug Flutie or your average shrimp?
A: Shrimp usually have 10 legs, while 5′-8″ Doug Flutie has only 2 at last check.

Q: Your wife’s a little kinky and asks you to rub garlic all over her feet. Will you smell it on her breath when you kiss her later?
A: It actually does travel that far eventually.

Q: Ancient Chinese artists quite freely painted scenes of nakedness and sex acts, but there was one part of the body they would never, ever depict. What was it?
A: A bare female foot.

BS BREAKFAST BINGO:
Contestant gets 30 seconds to answer 5 questions about breakfast. The answers begin with the letters B-I-N-G-O . . .
• It’s like a doughnut only it’s boiled and baked instead of deep-fried. [Bagel]
• To a kid, it’s the best part of a Pop-Tart. [Icing]
• It’s a restaurant that specializes in pancakes. [International House of Pancakes]
• It’s a leading brand of coffee. [Nescafe]
• It’s a breakfast cereal that contains NEITHER of the ingredients listed in its name. [Grape Nuts]
• It’s a hot cereal that Oliver Twist would have called ‘gruel’. [Oatmeal]

BS TAG LINE: Drink till she’s cute. Stop before you get married.