November 29, 2000 Edition: #1943
According to the new issue of the “Canadian Medical Association Journal”, Canadian kids are getting porky. Over a 15-year period, the rate of obesity among girls has more than doubled and among boys nearly tripled. So, as a public service, here’s a look at the . . .
BS SIGNS YOUR KID IS OUT OF SHAPE:
• You ask him where his bike is and he explains he’s actually riding it.
• In the middle of the night you catch him downloading pics — from the KFC Website.
• Her participation in schoolyard ‘Red Rover’ contest results in casualties.
• Instead of teddy bear, sleeps with a cheeseburger.
• Greenpeace blocks anyone who comes near him.
• Whenever her beeper goes off people scream, “Watch out! She’s backing up!”
• Wants a Mike Duffy action figure for Xmas.
• Whenever he walks around in new corduroys, neighbors yell, “Hey! Keep it down!”
• When you drive by McDonald’s on the way to school, the staff comes out to wave.
• Mall Santa says “Off my lap, Tubby!”
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
TONIGHT in Chicago, Smashing Pumpkins play one of their final 2 concerts with SRO tix being scalped for up to $1000 (their last gasp is SATURDAY) . . . Britain’s “Sun” tab now says Madonna has been told she CAN’T be married in Westminster Abbey because she’s divorced, has never been honored by the Queen, and just isn’t famous enough (translated — stay away from our hallowed halls, you slut!) . . . Liz Hurley has reportedly landed a multi-million-dollar contract extension as spokesmodel for Estee Lauder after beating off opposition from Gwyneth Paltrow (I would’ve paid to watch that!) . . . Arnold Schwarzenegger says he’ll run for California governor “when the time is right” (like if his next film flops as bad as “The 6th Day”) . . . Robert Downey Jr’s latest arrest won’t affect his appearances on “Ally McBeal” — all 8 shows are already in the can (as he will be soon).
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘99ers’ — The nickname for all those Internet entrepreneurs who made a bundle during the Web’s ‘gold rush’ of 1999. (And thanks to dot-com failures, many will soon have ‘00′.)
• ‘200-Mile Club’ — More exclusive than the ‘Mile High Club’, admission requires having sex in space. No one officially admits to it, but there have been allegations of tomfoolery between Russian cosmonauts. (“Prepare for re-entry!”)
• ‘Poodlebugs’ — Blocks of icy sewage that fall from commercial aircraft. (“It’s a bird, it’s a plain, it’s — holy sh–!!!!”)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A Toronto man is suing for damages after surgery to lengthen his manhood allegedly went wrong. He should have known — the surgeon’s name is Dr Stubbs. (And that’s no BS!)
• Docs in Scotland say they’ve confirmed what many considered an old wive’s tale — women who consume loads of fish before conceiving have a better chance of having a baby boy. (“Honey, are you sure you had a shower?”)
• Scientists in Antarctica say they can’t explain why a group of 48 penguins has been acting strangely, marching together in rows that perfectly form the letter ‘F’. (Aerial photos show the rest of the message reads “UCK OFF AND GO HOME!”)
THE BULL SHEET 11.29.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1932 [68] Jacques Chirac, Paris FRA, President of France since 1995
1949 [51] Garry Shandling, Chicago IL, 2000 Emmy Awards host/ex-TV comedian (“Larry Sanders Show”)/movie actor (“Dr Doolittle”)
1955 [45] Howie Mandel, Toronto ON, ex-TV talk host (“The Howie Mandel Show”)/comedian
1961 [39] Kim Delaney, Philadelphia PA, TV actress who’s leaving Emmy-winning role as Detective Diane Russell on “NYPD Blue” next spring to star in a new untitled Steven Bochco legal drama
1971 [29] Brad May, Toronto ON, NHL winger (Vancouver Canucks)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] International Day of Solidarity with the Palestinian People (those that are left)
THIS HERE is officially “Square Dance Day”. So swing your partner ‘round and ‘round, pick ‘er on up and throw ‘er on the ground. Yee haw!
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1775 [225] 1st ‘invisible ink’ invented by Sir James Jay (but how do we really know?)
1924 [76] 1st NHL game in Montreal Forum (Canadiens 7, Leafs 1)
1959 [41] “Mack the Knife” wins ‘Record of the Year’ at 1st ‘Grammy Awards’ to be televised (2nd year of Grammy Awards)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Computer Security Day
[Thurs] Stay At Home Because You’re Well Day
[Fri] World AIDS Day
National Adoption Month
Alzheimer’s Disease Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BRAIN BUSTERS:
• Walk on them living and they don’t even mumble, but walk on them dead and they mutter and grumble. What are they? [ANSWER: Leaves]
• There are 10 flies are on the table. With one swat, you kill 3. How many are left on the table? [ANSWER: The 3 squished ones. The rest would fly away immediately.]
• Feed me and I live, give me a drink and I die. What am I? [ANSWER: Fire]
BS SFX THEATER:
You read the story line-by-line, while a caller or guest provides the SFX. Today’s story is called . . .
“Green Christmas”
You and your spouse decide it’s time to start holiday shopping so you drive to the mall, park, and lock your car with one of those key chain remotes. (SFX). As you enter the mall you hear sappy holiday music on the Muzak system. (SFX) And in the background you can hear Santa talking to the kiddies..(SFX) You make a bee line for the toy store, and as you approach you hear a general ruckus. (SFX) You hear someone scream that the manager has just restocked with more of those hard-to-find Razor scooters. (SFX) You know it’s #1 on your kid’s list so you fight your way through the crowd, knocking over several shoppers. (SFX) Thrilled that you got the last one, you turn to the other shoppers sprawled on the floor and wish them the best of the season. (SFX).
BS TAG LINE: Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
