November 24, 2000 Edition: #1940
There’s a sperm shortage in Canada! Fertility specialists say tough new rules on donor screening are forcing patients who want to be artificially inseminated to import frozen semen from the USA. But here’s a look at . . .
BS PROBLEMS USING AMERICAN SPERM:
• Your child spends all its time navel gazing, never realizing there’s a big wide world out there.
• Confusion over whether baby will be a boy or a girl requires constant recounting of genes.
• To keep up with increased demand from Canada, thousands of American men go blind.
• Frozen sperm imported to Canada in November won’t thaw out until April.
• By the year 2005, Canada will be half-populated by a bunch of American jerk-offs.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Internet bidding starts on actress Jane Withers‘ (‘Josephine the Plumber’ in TV ads) huge Hollywood memorabilia collection that includes celebrity gowns and one of Marilyn Monroe’s bras (great for holiday entertaining — a double punch bowl!) . . . TONIGHT’s 2nd annual “Canadian Aboriginal Music Awards” at Toronto’s SkyDome will be hosted by last year’s big winner, Vancouver singer Fara . . . “Business Age” magazine has declared Paul McCartney Britain’s richest rock star with a fortune over $706 million, over twice that of runner-up Elton John (and soon much more if Beatles’ latest repackaging “1″ keeps selling) . . . Billy Bob Thornton wants it known that he was a musician first, before he was a movie actor and director, and he’s almost completed an ‘alternative country’ album due NEXT YEAR (bad news is — he’s as good a singer as he is an actor).
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• A high school teacher in China has been suspended for ordering an unruly student to eat 1,000 flies. (The kid says swallowing the flies was bad, but even worse was the spiders he swallowed to catch the flies. Of course he’ll die.)
• Thousands of Norwegian soldiers have marched on the nation’s capital demanding — clean underwear. They claim putting on dirty underwear just isn’t good for morale. (And are asking their current supply featuring the months of the year stitched on the front be upgraded.)
• To hinder class ditching, schools in Belgium are considering new schoolbooks with an integrated computer chip that can locate students at all times. (Yeah, that’ll work — they’ll locate all 500 of the books stacked in the empty library.)
• Moscow veterinarians have saved a hamster that was swallowed whole after parents heard it squeaking inside the family pooch. The vets gave it back to its child owner after a good scrubbing. (The dog mentioned later that the hamster tasted just like chicken.)
WACKY NEW GIZMOS:
• The hi-tech new ‘Talking Beer Bottle Opener” provides hours of entertainment by shouting “Oh yeah! Time for a beer!” every time you uncap a tall, cold one. (After 50 beers it says “Grey Cup party’s over!”)
• ‘Lighter Side’ catalogue claims its innovative new ‘Daddy Saddle’ helps kids stay on top of pop when he’s down on his hands and knees playing ‘horsey’. It features comfy fleece padding, a leather-look seat, plus hand grip and stirrups. (And it’s fun for mom too after the kids have gone to bed!)
THE BULL SHEET 11.24.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [60] Paul Tagliabue, NFL commissioner since ’89 (initiated salary cap, expansion teams)
1964 [36] Brad Sherwood, Chicago IL, TV improv comedian (“Whose Line is it Anyway?”)
1968 [32] Dawn Robinson, pop/R&B singer (En Vogue-“Whatta Man”, “Funky Divas”)
1970 [30] Chad Taylor, York PA, rock guitarist (Live-“Lightning Crashes”)
1972 [28] Fred Brathwaite, Ottawa ON, NHL goalie (Calgary Flames)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [56] Ben Stein, Washington DC, game show host (“Win Ben Stein’s Money”)
1960 [40] Amy Grant, Augusta GA, pop/gospel singer with 5 Grammys (“Baby Baby”)/Mrs Vince Gill
1960 [D-1999] John F Kennedy Jr, Washington DC, founding editor of “George” magazine/Mr Carolyn Bessette/killed in crash of his private plane
1971 [29] Christina Applegate, LA CA, former TV actress (“Jesse”, “Married With Children”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is officially “Sinkie Day”, as declared by the ‘International Association of People Who Dine Over the Kitchen Sink’. Veterans (known as ‘Sinkies’) and rookies alike are encouraged to participate in this time-honored method of casual dining.
PHONER: 707-577-0470 (Norm Hankoff-Santa Rosa CA)
NET: http://www.sinkie.com
TOMORROW is “Shopping Reminder Day”, marking 1 month until Christmas. Just what you wanted to hear!
In SUNDAY’s 88th “Grey Cup”, it’s Montreal vs BC in Calgary, an excuse for parties across the country even among people who never watch football. The half-time show features the reunited Guess Who.
NET: http://www.cfl.ca/GreyCup/home.html
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1997 [03] Protesters are pepper-sprayed by RCMP at APEC meetings in Vancouver (leading to expenditure of untold millions on inquiry)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1952 [48] Longest-running stage play, Agatha Christie’s “The Mousetrap”, opens in London (20,000th performance will be staged December 7, 2000) NOTE: Film rights were sold to 2 producers on the condition they didn’t make the movie until the play closed — they’re both dead!)
WRONG NOVEMBER 25TH!!!!!
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] Canadian Election Day
[Thurs] Stay At Home Because You’re Well Day
Cold & Cough Awareness Week
National Adoption Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“How do you get rid of guests that just won’t leave when the party’s over?” (Party411.com recommends bringing out a slide projector, or maybe popping in a “Barney” videotape, or asking them to check your kid’s throat because he might have strep.)
BS TAG LINE: If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
