November 20, 2000 Edition: #1936
The first segments of “Pioneer Quest: A Year in the Real West” aired on the History Channel LAST NIGHT, following the adventures of two Ontario couples living as 1870s settlers on a homestead near Argyle MB. In case you missed it, and of course you did, here’s some . . .
BS PROBLEMS SURVIVING THE “PIONEER QUEST”:
• Lousy “Hockey Night in Canada” reception on satellite dish fashioned from moose dung.
• Sick of all 5 of mom’s recipes for gopher stew.
• Keep running short of birch leaves, the ones that make really good toilet paper.
• Unable to keep up with latest tally of those demanding Stockwell change name to ‘Doris’.
• Every morning for breakfast, prairie oysters again!
• Never get a good night’s sleep due to mosquitoes with landing lights.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Entertainment Weekly” says a sequel to “Charlie’s Angels” may be difficult to put together. Problems include escalating salaries, schedule conflicts, and the unlikely participation of Bill Murray. Meantime, Columbia Pictures has given Lucy Liu a new Porsche as a gift for co-starring in the pic. Why? Cameron Diaz got $12 million, Drew Barrymore $9 million-plus, but poor Lucy only picked up $1 million. (Aw!)
• ”National Enquirer” claims Cameron Diaz pulled the plug on her wedding plans because fiance Jared Leto went a tad weird preparing for his movie role as a heroin addict in “Requiem for a Dream”. Seems he starved himself, shaved his head and even refused to have sex. By the time he was done shooting, he was so whacked out he checked into a monastery in Portugal to get his head together.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals to the “New York Post” that the ‘assassination machine’ in “Terminator 3″ is going to be a female. But it won’t be “Terminator” regular Linda Hamilton who has passed on the project, like her ex-husband director James Cameron.
• According to ”Star”, Demi Moore is set to marry boyfriend Oliver Whitcomb now that her divorce from Bruce Willis is a done deal. But before she does the deed on Valentine’s Day she’s planning on a face-lift, because she’s 8 years older. (Cradle robber!)
• “E! Online” reports sci-fi dud “Battlefield Earth” is being delayed on home video until NEXT YEAR because John Travolta wants to make some improvements to it. (They will involve the use of a can of gasoline and a wooden match.)
• Britain’s “Sun” tabloid says Kate Moss has become the 3rd star to fall victim to burglars in London THIS YEAR (Madonna and Jerry Hall had their mansions ransacked earlier). While the waif-model was vacationing in the US, thieves busted in and lifted $350,000-worth of jewelry, including a $28,000 diamond necklace given to her by former fiancé Johnny Depp. (They also looted the contents of her refrigerator — a half-dozen stalks of celery and 3 peas.)
IS ANYONE WATCHING THE ROAD?
A new insurance company poll of 30,000 drivers asks what we do while we drive —
• 69% eat behind the wheel (SUV and minivan drivers are the most likely)
• 44% use their mobile phones (18-24 year-olds most frequently)
• 12% apply makeup or shave (but hopefully not both)
• And 7% read a book or newspaper (most often people with less than 10 minutes to live)
THE BULL SHEET 11.20.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [53] Joe Walsh, Cleveland OH, classic rock guitarist (Eagles-“Hotel California”) NOTE:He has a role in a sitcom pilot from the creators of “The Drew Carey Show” (called “Life’s Been Good”?)
1956 [44] Bo Derek (Mary Cathleen Collins), Long Beach CA, bad movie actress (“Tommy Boy”, “10″) NOTE: She’s dating hunky model/actor Anthony Pinson, who’s 10 years her junior
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
THIS WEEK is “Cold & Cough Awareness Week”. The average adult gets 2 colds a year, while the average child has 10. (Meaning the average parent suffers the sniffles about 12 times.)
TODAY Queen Elizabeth II & Prince Philip are celebrating their 53rd anniversary, having married Novermber 20, 1947. (They’re celebrating by removing each other’s rectal rods for the day.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1866 [134] Pierre Lalemont of Paris FRA patents ‘rotary crank bicycle’ (the original bicycle was nicknamed the ‘bone shaker’)
1982 [18] Drew Barrymore 1st hosts “Saturday Night Live” at age 7 (on SATURDAY’s “SNL”, she and boyfriend Tom Green promised to wed live on the show, but she supposedly dumped him before the ‘ceremony’)
1995 [05] 1st new Beatles song in 25 years is released (“Free As a Bird”)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Election Day
[Tues] World Hello Day
[Wed] Start Your Own Country Day
[Sun] Grey Cup (Calgary)
Prisoner Rights Week
Jewish Book Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
THE PRICE IS RIGHT:
Kevin Clay Creative is offering FREE downloads of parody songs, including a tune about the election mess in Florida. They can be previewed in RealAudio and downloaded in MP3 format. No ads, no banners and no charge!
NET: http://www.kevinclay.com/freemusic
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Should cloning humans [especially Arnold Schwarzenegger] be outlawed?” (70% of those surveyed for “Harper’s” magazine are against genetic engineering in humans. However, 36% say controlling an unborn’s sexual orientation is OK)
• Minnesota guv Jesse Ventura will moonlight as an NBC analyst for the new XFL (Xtreme Football League) beginning in FEBRUARY. “What would make good part-time jobs for other politicians?”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Sir Wilfrid Laurier was born on this date in 1841. Canada’s 7th PM served from 1896-1911. What Canadian currency bill does he appear on?
A: The $5-bill.
BS TAG LINE:
My wife always laughs during sex — no matter what she’s reading.
