November 16, 2000 Edition: #1934
YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE GETTING OLD WHEN . . .
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You’re actually proud of your snowblower.
• When someone famous dies, you check their age to get an idea how long you have left.
• You keep getting ‘Harry’ confused with ‘Beatrix’.
• You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
• You remember when your cable TV box had push buttons and was connected to the TV by a cord.
• There’s nothing left to learn ‘the hard way’.
• Your joints are more accurate than Environment Canada.
• You can go bowling without drinking.
• That gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Cher does a guest shot on Emmy-winning sitcom “Will & Grace” playing — herself (‘Jack’ is obsessed with her) . . . A worldwide audience of over a BILLION is expected for TONIGHT’s “2000 MTV Europe Awards” from Stockholm and it’s due to star power – with Backstreet Boys, Madonna, U2 and Ricky Martin performing, and Jennifer Lopez premiering her new single “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” . . . Britney Spears WON’T be appearing on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” this season as previously promised, due to ‘scheduling conflicts’ . . . Word is Gwyneth Paltrow‘s new romantic interest is 27-year-old Chris Heinz, heir to the Heinz Foods fortune (even though they’re both extremely busy, they KETCHUP with each other whenever they can).
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Mattel is set to market a new high-tech line of talking dolls called ‘Diva Starz’ which scream when their hair is pulled and complain if you dress them in pj’s in daylight. (And just like real divas, they show up for playtime late, they’re surrounded by an entourage of sawdust heads, and they pitch a fit if they don’t get their way.)
• A report in “McCall’s” magazine says doctors are better at diagnosing illnesses when they’re in a good mood. (“Did I say cancer? Sorry I was kinda down — I meant to say flu.”)
• A Russian scientist has invented “Inspector Gadget”-style gas-powered boots, which enable the wearer to make 13-foot strides and reach speeds of 25mph. (The Russian triple-jump record is now 6 miles.)
• Psychiatrists worldwide are reporting a dramatic increase in the number of cases of ‘rhinotillexomania’ — that’s, um uh, compulsive nose picking. In 1994, only 324 cases of people seeking professional help for chronic nose picking were reported. Last year, that number jumped to over 1600 for no apparent reason. (Fingernail caught in nose ring?)
SILLY SURVEYS:
• More than 80% of pet owners surveyed believe that their pets understand English. More than half admit they talk to their pets on the telephone. (What the pet is hearing – “Blah blah blah, FLUFFY, blah blah . . .”)
• According to a new survey by the World Automotive Group, 20% of men have had some form of sex while driving. Interestingly, just 2% of women admit to ‘fooling around’ behind the wheel. (I’ve had other drivers SUGGEST I engage in intimate contact — usually after I’ve cut them off.)
THE BULL SHEET 11.16.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [42] Marg Helgenberger, North Bend NE, TV actress (Catherine Willows-“CSI”)/movie actress (“Erin Brockovich”)
1964 [36] Dwight Gooden, Tampa FL, drug-troubled suspended MLB pitcher (NY Yankees)/1985 Cy Young Award
1967 [33] Lisa Bonet, San Francisco CA, movie actress (“High Fidelity”, “Enemy of the State”)/ex-Mrs Lenny Kravitz
1977 [23] Oksana Baiul, Dnipropetrovsk UKR, pro figure skater (’94 Olympic gold)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] International Day for Tolerance
TODAY is “Beaujolais Nouveau Day”, the annual limited release of young Burgundy wines from France as a preview of the year’s grape crop. More than 20 million bottles were trucked to French airports on the weekend, destined for wine enthusiasts in the US, Canada and Japan.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 Album releases include “All The Way — A Decade Of Song” by Celine Dion and “Willennium” by Will Smith
1999 Rocker Eddie Van Halen undergoes hip-replacement surgery (you know you’re getting older when . . .)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1963 [37] 1st ‘touch-tone telephone’ is introduced
1970 [30] 1st Canadian recording artist to receive an RIAA ‘gold record’ (Anne Murray for “Snowbird”)
1998 [02] 1st MLB pitcher to win 5 Cy Young Awards (Roger Clemens-Toronto Blue Jays)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Take A Hike Day
[Fri] Homemade Bread Day
Operating Room Nurse Week
International Drum Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WOMEN’S REJECTION LINES TRANSLATED:
• “There’s a slight difference in our ages.” (I don’t want to do my dad)
• “I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way.” (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.)
• “My life is too complicated right now.” (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)
• “I’ve got a boyfriend.” (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Haagen Daz.)
• “I don’t date men where I work.” (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
• “I’m concentrating on my career.” (Even something as boring and non-fulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
• “I’m celibate.” (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)
• “Let’s be friends.” (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s that male perspective thing.)
• “It’s not you, it’s me.” (It’s you.)
BS TAG LINE: Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
