Thursday, November 23, 2006 Edition: #3415
Bullseye!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word is newlyweds TomKat are island-hopping around the Maldives on their Australian millionaire pal James Packer’s $10-million icebreaker vessel (in the Indian Ocean, which is the temperature of bath-water) . . . Former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss is denying reports she plans to hire ex-heavyweight champ Mike Tyson as a gigolo for her ‘Heidi’s Stud Farm’ male brothel in Nevada (not many women are attracted by a violent ex-con with no teeth) . . . According to an online company that monitors Internet piracy, some 200,000 poor-quality bootleg copies of “Casino Royale” have already been downloaded online . . . Kevin Federline’s attorney says no one will ever be able to see the honeymoon video Federline reportedly made with Britney Spears – because there isn’t one (that sound you just heard was a collective male sigh) . . . Meantime, Britney Spears is selling the house she & Fed-Ex shared in Malibu CA for $13.5 million and has been checking properties in the Miami FL area costing more than twice that, perhaps thanks to a rumored 20-week, $15-million performance contract with the Palms Hotel & Casino in Vegas . . . A report say 20-year-old Lindsay Lohan overdosed on a deadly cocktail of cocaine and painkillers at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont a couple weeks back, but the incident has been kept under wraps and the actress has refused to either go into hospital or rehab . . . Already this week OJ Simpson has had his pseudo-confessional book and FOX-TV special axed and now some 1,500 Buffalo Bills fans have signed a petition demanding their former running back’s name be removed from the prestigious ‘Wall of Fame’ at Ralph Wilson Stadium (geez, you’d think the guy was some kind of axe murderer or something).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Akon – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Dolly Parton – THIS WEEK she launched the Canadian branch of her ‘Imagination Library’, a literacy charity that has donated thousands of books to kids since she started it a decade ago.
• Gloria Estefan – TODAY she guests on “The View” (ABC/CTV).
• Gwen Stefani – She’s hard at work on a follow-up to “Love.Angel.Music.Baby.”, with a new album expected out by the end of the year.
• Jewel – TONIGHT she’s playing a one-off show at Casino Rama in Orillia ON.
• John Fogerty – TODAY the former CCR frontman will perform at both Detroit and Dallas NFL game halftime shows, to promote the United Way.
• John Mayer – TONIGHT he performs on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• Justin Timberlake – TODAY he guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show (syndicated/CityTV).
• Killers – Frontman Brandon Flowers used to wait on Celine Dion when he was a busboy at Spago in Las Vegas, before his group hit the big time.
• Nelly Furtado – TONIGHT she’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Taylor Swift – TODAY the “Tim McGraw” singer is in Detroit MI where she’ll sing the anthem before the Detroit Lions-Miami Dolphins NFL game.
• U2/Green Day – Their collaboration “The Saints Are Coming” is currently the #1 single in Europe.
OPENING IN THEATERS TODAY:
“Bobby” ( R-Rated Historical Drama opens wide ): In a rare Thursday opening, director/writer Emilio Estevez’s take on the night US Senator Robert F Kennedy was gunned down at LA’s Ambassador Hotel on June 6th, 1968. The film follows 22 individuals who are all at the hotel for different purposes but share the common thread of anticipating Kennedy’s arrival at the primary election night party. Stars Anthony Hopkins, Demi Moore, Sharon Stone, Elijah Wood, Heather Graham, Helen Hunt, Joshua Jackson, Ashton Kutcher, Lindsay Lohan, William H Macy & and Harry Belafonte, among others. Trailer and the Bryan Adams-penned theme song “Never Gonna Break My Faith” here …
NET: http://www.bobby-the-movie.com/
HIRE A BIG BROTHER TO WATCH YOU:
For adult Internet users ready to admit that they’re in the grip of a higher power, there is ‘Covenant Eyes’, a website that will keep track of all the other websites you visit – then e-mail this potentially incriminating list to an ‘accountability partner’ of your choosing. ‘Covenant Eyes’ even rates websites on a sort of taboo scale (the higher the score, the raunchier), so that your spouse or spiritual leader can tell at a glance whether you’ve been poring over market research online or taking in a peepshow. (Odds of them finding this e-mail amongst all the spam for adult sites … zero.)
NET: http://www.covenanteyes.com/
– “Social Studies”
MEN BEAR THE BRUNT:
30 years ago both men and women rated a joke funnier when a female was the butt of it. But recent research suggests that’s no longer true. So has equality arrived? Not really, things have gone the other way – nowadays women find jokes about women less funny than jokes about men. (Men are like government bonds – they take way too long to mature. Men are like mascara – they run at the first sign of emotion.)
– “Psychology Today”
DOUBLE DUTY:
Eccentric North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il has hired doubles to carry out his more mundane tasks, according to South Korean intelligence officials. While Kim himself attends major state occasions, 2 men stand in for him for more routine visits to tractor factories or farms. They are said to be the spitting image of Kim – the same age, same height and with the same bouffant hairstyle and pot belly. (So [co-host], you’ve been moonlighting, huh?)
– “Daily Telegraph”
PACKING HIDDEN HEAT:
Don’t you hate it when you’re carrying and some sharp-eyed security guard spots your concealed weapon? That’s why veteran holster and knife designer Blackie Collins has come up with “Toters Jeans”, designer-style jeans that also happen to be ‘concealed-carry clothing’, so you can pack your gat, knives and other armaments and keep them completely hidden. (Is that shotgun in your left pant-leg or are you just wearing a wooden leg?)
NET: http://www.blackiecollins.com/
– “Globe & Mail”
PERK FOR PORKIES:
Travis County TX officials have decided to offer an unusual employee benefit – free stomach reduction surgery. County bosses are looking at providing up to 15 bariatric surgeries per year, each costing about $20,000. The county thinks it will work out cheaper than current healthcare costs. To qualify, employees have to be morbidly obese and have 1 full year of monitored unsuccessful dieting. (In other words … everyone qualifies!)
– PopBitch.com
THE DIRTY LITTLE PILL:
As part of a revolutionary treatment for asthma, children in an Australian study will be given a ‘dirt pill’ to provide the germs they missed out on as toddlers. University of Western Australia researcher Susan Prescott says the asthmatic children in the sample study will receive daily mixture of bacteria and antioxidants. It’s believed the bacteria is needed to replicate the germs they were not exposed to at an early age. As a result, they failed to develop immunity and went on to suffer allergic reactions. (Now there’s a great excuse for kids who don’t want to clear their rooms! “Mom, it’ll make me sick!”)
– “Sydney Herald-Sun”
RE-BRANDING TEACHERS:
It’s become popular in parts of Thailand for school teachers and other career bureaucrats to change their names. Teachers, in particular, have been heading for registry offices in droves. Nothing to do with threats or avoiding debts – it’s in hope of improving their fortunes. A local fortune teller claims a name change not only brings good luck, it can also lead to a change in personality. (Especially if your name is ‘Killer’.)
– “Phuket Gazette”
GET YOURSELF A GURU:
Recruiting technology expert Gerry Crispin says the old adage “it’s who you know not what you know” is truer than ever. The first step in landing a position these days is getting recommended by someone on the inside. Some surprising facts …
• The odds that someone actually seeing your résumé when you apply for a job is less than 5%.
• 1 out of every 3 hires has been referred by a company employee.
– Cox News Service
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD TASTE SO GOOD:
A new, buttery-yellow rose named after late chef Julia Child has a spicy aroma with licorice overtones. Avid gardener Cathy Barash was so tempted by the fragrance that she tasted it and found its flavor is as good as its scent. Now she’s developed a range of recipes using the rose, including a sorbet and a tasty shortbread. After all, roses, when grown organically, are among the best of the edible flowers. Julia Child would be proud! (Argh … I got a thorn in my throat!)
– “Christian Science Monitor”
FUNNY NEWS IS BETTER:
You don’t have to suffer through boring regular newscasts in order to get the news. A new study from Indiana University says “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” is just as substantive as traditional news programs like “World News Tonight” and “The CBS Evening News”.In fact, researchers have found that network news stories about the US politics are significantly shorter, on average, than Stewart’s stories. (And also contain far less mugging to the camera.)
– “The Star”
AND WE QUOTE:
“Their shoes fall off, did you know that?”
– Killers’ frontman Brandon Flowers telling “GQ” magazine what happens when you accidentally hit someone wandering on a freeway while driving 50 mph. Flowers says the experience of having the drunken pedestrian hit his windshield has become even more traumatic because he’s never been told what happened to the victim.
THE BULL SHEET 11.23.06
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [52] Bruce Hornsby, Williamsburg VA, oldies singer (& the Range-“The Way It Is”)
1974 [32] Saku Koivu, Turku, Finland, NHL center (Montréal Canadiens)
1979 [27] Kelly Brook (Parsons), Rochester UK, model/sometime movie actress (“The Italian Job”)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Cashew Day”, celebrating the yummy nut that sounds like a sneeze.
• “Labor Thanksgiving Day” in Japan (“Kinro Kansha no Hi”), a national holiday since 1948 to express gratitude to one another for work done throughout the year and for the fruits of those labors. (And we’re guessing next Tuesday is “Halloween Easter”?)
• “US Thanksgiving Day”, celebrated annually on the 4th Thursday of November. By tradition, the 1st American celebration was celebrated between the Pilgrims and natives in 1621.That first feast was said to be a 3-day affair, which didn’t include turkey but likely did include the native treat of popcorn. Potatoes were also not part of the first feast, as Irish immigrants had not yet brought them to North America. Since 1934, the Detroit Lions have hosted a game on the holiday, a tradition picked up by the Dallas Cowboys in 1966. (THIS YEAR it’s Miami @ Detroit; Tampa Bay @ Dallas; and an evening game, Denver @ Kansas City, has been added in case 6 hours of pigskin just isn’t enough for ya.)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1889 [117] Louis Glass introduces his new invention, the ‘Jukebox’, at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco – a tinfoil phonograph with 4 coin-operated listening tubes (at the time, ‘juke’ is a slang word for a house of ill repute)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1897 [109] 1st ‘Pencil Sharpener’ (next day, some woman gums it up with an eyebrow pencil)
1936 [70] 1st edition of the “Globe & Mail” newspaper (“The Globe” part dates from 1844)
1948 [58] 1st ‘Zoom Lens’ (and the paparazzi profession is born)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Buy Nothing Day
[Fri] Sinkie Day
[Sat] Shopping Reminder Day
[Sat] International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women
[Sat] Vanier Cup (Saskatoon)
[Mon] Pins & Needles Day
[Wed] Electronic Greetings Day
[Wed] Square Dance Day
This Week Is … Adoption Week
This Month Is … Lung Cancer Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS
HOW DID WE EVER SURVIVE?
• As children, our cribs were painted with bright-colored, lead-based paint which we chewed.
• We rode in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
• Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was a special treat, not a danger.
• We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, no special locks on cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.
• We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle.
• Some students weren’t as smart as others so they failed a year and were held back to repeat the same grade.
• We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. During that time, no one was able to reach us.
BS REJECTED INTERNATIONAL SPORTS TEAM NAMES:
• Brussels Sprouts
• Cannes Openers
• Vienna Sausages
• Belgium Waffles
• Prague Tologists
• Manila Folders
• Syria Killers
• Czech Bouncers
• Taipei Personalities
BS PHONE STARTER:
• What’s your favorite day of the week? Why?
• Let’s say you are being sent to live on the International Space Station for 3 months and you are only allowed to bring 3 personal items with vou. What would they be?
BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
• What does the acronym ‘YAHOO’ stand for?
a. You Are Having Online Operations.
b. Yuck, A Hairy Olive Oil!
c. Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle. [CORRECT]
Q:In cooking, how many drops to a teaspoon?
a. 6.
b. 16.
c. 60. [CORRECT]
BS RANDOM JOKE:
Want to trace your family tree? Run for public office!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 10% of the world’s population never does THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Kisses. It’s not part of their culture.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
