BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
★ Model Elle MacPherson’s husband, real estate billionaire Jeff Soffer, is denying that he’s had an affair with actress Gwyneth Paltrow, as is apparently being claimed in a new magazine article. Paltrow has reportedly warned friends not to talk to “Vanity Fair”, which is publishing a tell-all piece on her. The story is said to focus not only on her ‘friendship’ with Soffer, but also the creation of her Goop empire, and her falling out with Madonna. Soffer says, in part: “Any reports that the relationship between Gwyneth & I is anything other than a friendship are wholly untrue.” (BS translation: Count on it.)
– News.com.au
★ Khloe Kardashian’s troubled and estranged husband Lamar Odom is stepping away from the multi-million-dollar home he once shared with his reality TV wife. Odom bought the palatial $3-million Mediterranean-style property in Miami FL just before his 2009 marriage to Khloe. But the ex-LA Lakers forward, whose future in the NBA is in doubt due to his reported drug problems, is now trying to find a tenant for the lavish 8,600-sq-ft mansion for a monthly rent of – whoa! – $17,000. (Well … are utilities included?)
– RadarOnline.com
★ It’s been a good year for Ralph Lauren. Worth $7 billion, he’s recently been listed as the 122nd richest human on the planet, and the current rumor circulating through the company is that Ralph just bought himself an island. So his European staff might be justified in feeling a bit miffed if there’s any truth to the gossip that many of their Christmas parties are about to be cancelled. It seems overspending on travel by senior executives means no warm Chardonnay and party hats for employees. (The rich don’t get rich by being nice.)
– PopBitch.com
★ And guys, if your special lady isn’t exactly a fan of the moustache, take comfort in knowing the world’s hottest supermodel is on your side. 21-year-old bombshell Kate Upton is Gillette’s ‘Mo Sista’ this ‘Movember’, meaning she’s onboard with her whiskered friends raising awareness of prostate cancer and other male cancer charities. Quote: “I think everyone I’ve dated or I’ve been friends with supports Movember because it’s such an amazing cause.” (BS translation: Thanks for the moolah, Gilette.”)
– QMI Agency

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV2) – The couples perform a style of dance they have not previously performed, then face elimination.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Keith Urban (“Fuse”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Smallpools (“Smallpools”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Celine Dion (“Loved Me Back to Life”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – King Krule (“6 Feet Beneath the Moon”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Steve Nieve w/Elvis Costello (“ToGetHer”).
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV) – Competitors choose songs to perform as knockout rounds begin.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alan Jackson – Tonight he performs songs from his new “The Bluegrass Album” in concert at NYC’s Carnegie Hall, joined by the studio musicians who worked on the project.
• Arcade Fire – Tonight NPR Music presents a “First Listen Live” performance online. A day before the official release, the band plays songs from the highly-anticipated new album “Reflektor”.
NET: http://www.npr.org/music/
• Daft Punk – They’re releasing a massive deluxe box set of their 2013 album “Random Access Memories” in early December. The box includes the record on double-vinyl and on USB drive with bonus tracks, a book of lyrics & art, a 56-page hardcover book, posters, and much more.
• The Eagles – They’ve long refused to travel together and take separate private jets when on tour. But it seems that’s not enough. Word has it they’ve recently been arguing over whether their guitars can travel on a plane together.
• Kid Rock – He has slammed Madonna for turning her back on her destitute hometown of Detroit, Michigan. He’s certainly put up: fronting a music exhibit at the Detroit Historical Museum, a scholarship at Wayne State University, and a fundraiser for the Detroit Symphony.
• Michael Jackson – 80-year-old producer Quincy Jones is suing Jackson’s estate, seeking millions in royalties generated from music that Jones produced and arranged. Among his collaborations are Jackson’s 3 biggest solo albums: “Off the Wall”, “Thriller”, and “Bad”.
• Pearl Jam – After the biggest debut week for any rock album since last November, “Lightning Bolt” has become their 5th #1 album on the sales chart, according to Nielsen SoundScan.
• P!nk – She’s postponed more gigs in order to fully recover from inflamed vocal cords and laryngitis. The concerts in Western Canada have already rescheduled for January.
• Scotty McCreery – This week he’s atop the ‘Billboard Country Albums’ chart with his new album “See You Tonight”.
• The Who – Pete Townshend tells “Evening Standard” that he & Roger Daltrey plan to celebrate the band’s 50th anniversary in 2015 by touring the globe, but says that’ll be the ‘last big one’. (They’ve retired before … about 27 times.)

WHO WILL BE THE WORLD’S FIRST TRILLIONAIRE?
A trillion is huge. It’s so hard to comprehend that 79% of us actually don’t know how many millions are in a trillion. A trillion is a million millions. But according to Credit Suisse’s annual ‘Global Wealth Report’, within 2 generations there should be almost a billion millionaires, billionaires will be commonplace, and there are likely to be 11 trillionaires. Hard to believe? Currently, Bill Gates is the world’s richest, with $73 billion. If that amount grows at 10% per year for 40 years, it will be worth around $3 trillion. (And your kid’s college fund will be almost a grand.)
– “USA Today”

TOWARD PERFECT PIE:
A mathematician has calculated the formula for … the perfect pizza. Dr Eugenia Cheng of the UK’s University of Sheffield has determined that the key is the topping-to-base ratio and the thickness of the crust. The study was commissioned by a pizza restaurant chain to understand why its larger 14-inch pizzas were outselling the smaller 11-inch ones. The conclusion? Smaller pies have thicker, breadier crusts which increase the odds of them turning soggy under the weight of sauce and toppings. Larger pizzas allow for more even distribution of toppings and the thinner dough makes for a crispier crust. The final formula is quite complicated, but put simply, perfection = pizza with a crispy crust and the right balance of toppings. (Actually the perfect pizza is … free pizza.)
– RelaxNews.com

BEST WAYS TO BE CHEAP ON HALLOWEEN:
• Make your own costume. The Money Crashers website has a series of easy-to-make options.
• Use items you already have at home. A child can dress up like mom or dad, for instance.
• Trade costumes with friends. Some areas even participate in ‘National Costume Swap Day’.
• Go generic on the candy. And buy candy you enjoy eating, so leftovers don’t go to waste.
• DIY décor. Craft websites and a little elbow grease are far cheaper than store-bought items.
• Shop in November. The day after Halloween, all décor, costumes, etc go on sale, so it’s the perfect time to stock up for next year. (Which you always say you’ll do and don’t.)
– “US News & World Report”

EAT YOUR WAY TO BETTER EYESIGHT:
Have trouble driving in the dark? Cook up some kale. New Chinese research finds that lutein, a compound found mostly in leafy green vegetables, can help improve your night vision. In the study, people who consumed daily lutein supplements over the course of a year improved their sharpness of vision, contrast sensitivity, and sensitivity to glare. A diet rich in a variety of fruits and vegetables will help you ingest the nutrient. But if you’re looking to sharpen your vision, you may need to take a supplement to really see the effects. (8 lbs of kale is tough to swallow.)
– MensHealth.com

WHAT SAGS FIRST?
Scientists from UCLA have found a new biological clock embedded in the human genome and it has revealed that certain body parts, like breasts, age faster than others. The findings may help scientists gain a better understanding of the aging process and what can be done to slow it down. In most cases, our tissue’s biological age is the same as its chronological age, but there are some exceptions. Healthy breast tissue, for example, is about 2-to-3 years older than other parts of a woman’s body. (Other parts that age quicker, according to totally unscientific observation: Wattle, batwings, butt, and that luggage under your eyes.)
– TIME.com

THE NEW RÉSUMÉ:
The old-school method of searching for a job may soon be history. Launched 5 months ago, ‘Apploi’ is a new mobile recruiting app that lets job seekers interact with prospective employers. Users download the app and input their career info. This becomes their ‘passport’ that gets passed along each time they apply for a job. Applicants then answer questions specific to the job they’re applying for. They can use text, video, or audio; and employers can interact in the same way. The new hi-tech hiring method just got a big boost: The UN has tapped Apploi to help recruit its talent globally. (Wow, a new digital way to find out there are no openings in your field!)
– NYDailyNews.com

DID YOU KNOW?
Store-bought Halloween costumes cost an average of $55, finds Alliance Data Retail Services.
– AFP

BS CHRONOMETER 10.28.13

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [58] Bill (William Henry III) Gates, Seattle WA, retired Microsoft mogul/world’s wealthiest human at circa $73 billion/philanthropist (Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation)

1963 [50] Sheryl Underwood, Little Rock AR, TV talk show panelist (“The Talk” since 2011)/standup comedian

1966 [47] Andy Richter, Grand Rapids MI, TV sidekick (“Conan” since 2010, “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” 2009, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” 1993-2000)

1967 [46] Julia Roberts, Smyrna GA, movie star (“Eat Pray Love”, “Erin Brockovich”)/mom to twins Hazel & Phinneaus

1969 [44] Ben Harper, Claremont CA, pop singer-guitarist (“Steal My Kisses”, “Diamonds On the Inside”)

1972 [41] Brad Paisley, Glen Dale WV, country singer (w/Carrie Underwood-“Remind Me”, “Waitin’ On a Woman”)/18 #1 country hits

1974 [39] Joaquin Phoenix, San Juan PR, movie actor (“Reservation Road”, “Walk the Line”)

1979 [34] Dave Tirio, Villa Park IL, pop-rock guitarist (Plain White T’s-“1,2,3,4″, “Hey There Delilah”)

1987 [26] Frank Ocean, Long Beach CA, rapper/pop singer-songwriter (“Lost”, “Thinkin Bout You”)

1998 [15] Nolan Gould, Columbus GA, TV actor (‘Luke Dunphy’ on “Modern Family” since 2009)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Cranky Co-Workers Day”, in honor of all the complaining and just plain cranky people you have to endure all year. This is the day to let them go with it and enjoy their misery!

• “International Animation Day”, first proclaimed in 2002 to celebrate the art of animation.

• “Plush Animal Lover’s Day”, a day to celebrate your stuffed animal collection. ‘Plush’ sounds so much more humane, no? (Ask listeners what animals they’ve saved from their childhood.)

• “St Jude’s Day”, patron saint of lost causes. (Like getting your co-host to show up on time.)

• “World Escoffier Day”, the 167th anniversary of the 1846 birth of Auguste Escoffier, ‘father of modern French cuisine’.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1992 [21] Disney releases “Beauty & The Beast” on video, and by December it becomes best-selling video of all-time (still collecting dust at your house?)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1971 [42] John Lennon & Yoko Ono record “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” in NYC

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1991 [22] Rapper JC-001 sets the ‘World Rap Speed’ record on BBC-5 in London by rapping 631 syllables in 60 seconds

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Visit a Cemetery Day
[Tues] World Psoriasis Day
[Wed] “Mark Twain Prize for American Humor” airs (PBS)
[Wed] Checklist Day
[Wed] Devils Night or Mischief Night
[Wed] Candy Corn Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Disarmament Week / Give Wildlife a Break Week / International Magic Week / Peace, Friendship & Goodwill Week / Prescription Errors Awareness Week / World Origami Days

BULL’S BITS

BEST OF BS:
Highlight bits culled from 20 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS SIGNS YOU WORK WITH A WEREWOLF:
• Coughs up a hairball during morning staff meeting.
• ‘5 o’clock shadow’ appears around 8:30 am.
• In lieu of an annual bonus, prefers a good scratch behind the ears.
• Suddenly sports a beard when mooned at office party.
• Has more hair on his back than you’ve got on your head.
• Says, “Great job on the Harrison account!”, then humps your leg.
– First published in “BS” 2005.

BS REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX:
• The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
• You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you something.
• If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.
• If you wear your ‘Batman’ mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.
• Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
• If you don’t get what you want, you can always try next door.
– First published in “BS” 2003.
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS PHONE STARTER:
☎ What newspaper headline have you been waiting your whole life to read?

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
Halloween originated from a festival celebrated by which ancient European tribe?
a. The Celts (‘kelts’) [CORRECT]
b. The Druids
c. The Groins
– Wikipedia.org

BS RANDOM JOKE:
He’s so rich he has a bumper sticker that says: “My other car is also a Mercedes.”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: Doing THIS while you’re out & about may annoy you but it’s actually good for you.
Answer: Waiting in line.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Never trust a skinny cook.

BS FRESH MEAT:
John Loftus @ UNregularRadio.com Boston, Massachusetts; Allison Archer @ 98 Rock [WXTB] Tampa, Florida; Michelle Patrao @ Indigo 91.9 FM Bangalore, India; and Patrick O’Bier @ The Joy FM [WJIS] Bradenton, Florida.