Friday, October 1, 2004        Edition: #2878
Sheet Rocks!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW actor Ben Affleck will host the 30th season premiere of “Saturday Night Live” (because Bill Clinton turned down the gig) . . . Here’s an odd one: TOMORROW at noon the Nickelodeon network in the US will go off the air for 3 hours and urge its young viewers (average age 6-11) to go play instead – an onscreen graphic actually saying, ‘It’s Time to Go Outside’ . . . SUNDAY the 2nd annual “Western Canadian Music Awards” will be held at Calgary’s Jack Singer Concert Hall, with Michael Bublé, Doc Walker, Nelly Furtado, Nickelback & Sarah McLachlan vying for ‘Entertainer of the Year’ . . . FOX-TV has announced the 4th season of “24″ will premiere on JANUARY 3rd with ‘Jack Bauer’ (Kiefer Sutherland) spending his next real-time day helping ‘CTU’ deal with a commuter train explosion . . . Actor Sean Connery has fueled rumors he’s planning to retire by abruptly dropping out of the upcoming movie “Josiah’s Canon” and thereby walking away from – $17.5 million! . . . Ashton Kutcher has just signed for 3 more seasons of his prank show “Punk’d”, despite promising the most recent season would be his last . . . Spike-TV has punk’d the entire population of Riverside, Iowa (all 978) by convincing them their little town was the location for a big-budget movie called “Invasion Iowa”, starring William Shatner (that should have been their first clue) but at least the producers forked over 100-grand for causing all the hassle . . . Show biz mom Jane Carter (to blame for Nick & Aaron Carter) tells “Access Hollywood” she has no idea why Michael Jackson gifted her younger son Aaron with a mega-expensive turquoise Bentley, although she does admit she allowed him to sleepover at Neverland … unsupervised … a year ago when he was 15 (take away her parenting license!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Melissa Etheridge – Her sitcom concept for a ‘reversed “Will & Grace” with a kid’ has received a script commitment from ABC-TV, the first step toward having a pilot made.
• Tears For Fears – TONIGHT they’re on “Last Call With Carson Daly” on NBC-TV.
• Cher – She’s no longer having any plastic surgery, but is undergoing what’s called facial acupuncture … where needles are gently pushed into her face. (Seems she’s suddenly happy with the 4% of her that’s still real.)
• Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – SATURDAY they’ll perform at tennis pro Andre Agassi’s 9th “Grand Slam for Children” fundraising concert at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. Others participating include Josh Groban, John Mayer, Robin Williams & Ray Romano.
• Rod Stewart – He’s rejected a $45-million offer from MTV to turn his life into the next version of “The Osbournes”. Rod says he said no because, “Private life is private.”
• Jessica Simpson – She’s discovered a positive side to having photographers follow you around 24-7. When she ran out of gas while shopping in Beverly Hills, it was the paparazzi that helped her get a fill-up. She even autographed the gas can for one helpful snapper.
• Nelly – TOMORROW he’s on NBC-TV’s “Saturday Night Live”.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENING:
• “Shark Tale” (PG Animated Comedy): If you think this sounds like a DreamWorks version of Disney’s “Finding Nemo” … you might have a point. Will Smith provides the voice of ‘Oscar’, a little hustler of a fish who’s on the run from a crew of sharks, a finned version of the Mafia. The big-name supporting cast of voices includes Robert De Niro, Jack Black, Renée Zellweger, Angelina Jolie, Katie Couric, Peter Falk, Michael Imperioli, and Martin Scorsese.
• “Ladder 49″ (PG-13 Action Thriller): Disney’s competition for what’s likely to be a blockbuster family movie is this firefighting drama starring Joaquin Phoenix & John Travolta. Who cares about the storyline … the fire and rescue scenes are said to be spectacular. In fact, the filming of the big warehouse fire in Baltimore was so realistic, the real fire department had to call radio stations and request that commuters stop calling 9-1-1 to report it.

TESTING FOR BLANKS:
The new ‘Element’ home testing kit from Pria Diagnostics allows men to check – their own fertility. The $40-kit costs a fraction of traditional lab tests and is said to have 95% accuracy. Think of all the arguments this will solve for frustrated wannabe parents! (“See, it IS your fault … I told ya …”)
– ABC News

SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING?
 The president of Austin TX-based Hypnotic Marketing Inc claims Britney Spears may be using forbidden ‘Hypnotic Selling’ methods in her TV ad promoting her new fragrance ‘Curious’. Dr Joe Vitale, a self-styled specialist in hypnotic persuasion methods, claims the ad plays on sexuality, mystery, and curiosity. (Hypnotic selling? We thought it was just good ol’ T&A.)
– PR Web

DIET DELINQUENTS:
A new survey by market analyst Mintel has found that low-carb diets (Atkins, South Beach, etc) seem to have a high drop-out rate. It’s often due to confusion over what foods are ‘legal’ or difficulty in finding appropriate products. 10% of 1,000 people polled had tried a low-carb diet but given up. Just 1% say they’d give it a 2nd try. Perhaps surprisingly, the survey also discovered that exercising still remains the most popular way to lose weight, as opposed to dieting. (Until the next sharpie with a get-thin-quick scheme comes along.)
– ANI

NO JOY FROM JOURNALING:
People who keep diaries are more likely to suffer from headaches, sleeplessness, digestive problems and even social dysfunction according to a new study. When a group of devoted  diarists were compared with non-diary-keepers, it was expected there would be healthful advantages to keeping a daily journal. In fact, the opposite proved true. When presenting the findings to a meeting of the British Psychological Society, researcher Elaine Duncan of Glasgow Caledonian University concluded, “You are probably much better off if you don’t write anything at all.” (Thereby setting back literature by a thousand years, but helping to prevent blackmail from snoopy little brothers the world over.)
– “New Scientist”

THE HEIGHT OF COOL:
A survey of 3,000 urban dwellers aged 18-44 asked what is coolest in various categories. Some of the results seem a tad skewed, but make for great argument-starters anyway. Highlights …
• Actor – (tie) Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt
• Author – JK Rowling
• Businessperson – Richard Branson
• Filmmaker – Quentin Tarantino
• Car – Audi
• City – New York City
• Clothing – Diesel
• Musicians – The Streets
– “Cool Brandleaders”, a new book listing the hottest companies & brands.

AND WE QUOTE:
“I love my grey hair. I actually think my face has more of an edge and a lot more character than it did when I was in my early 30s. So I think I can have 20 more good years as an actor, if that’s what I want and if the public aren’t fed up with me.”
– 43-year-old George Clooney in “Daily Mirror”.

THE BULL SHEET 10.01.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [80] Jimmy Carter, Plains GA, 39th US President (1977-1981)

1935 [69] [Dame] Julie Andrews (Wells), Walton-on-Thames UK, movie actress (“The Princess Diaries 1 & 2″, “The Sound of Music”)/Broadway actress (“Victor/Victoria”, “My Fair Lady”)

1947 [57] Stephen Collins, Des Moines IA, TV actor (‘Rev Eric Camden’ on “Seventh Heaven” since 1996)

1950 [54] Randy Quaid, Houston TX, movie actor (“Independence Day”, “Vacation” series)/actor Dennis Quaid’s brother

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
Fashion designer Donna Karan is 56; Singer Sting (Gordon Sumner) is 53; TV actress Lorraine Bracco (“The Sopranos”) is 50; Country musician Greg Jennings (Restless Heart) is 50; Country singer Kelly Willis is 36; TV co-host Kelly Ripa (“Live With Regis & Kelly”) is 34.

SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
Rocker Tommy Lee is 42; Singer Gwen Stefani is 35; TV actress Janel Moloney (“The West Wing”) is 35; Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson is 33; Movie actress Neve Campbell is 31; Movie actor Seann William Scott is 28; Pop singer Ashlee Simpson is 20.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
OCTOBER actually means ‘8th month’ but it has been the 10th month ever since New Year’s Day was moved from March to January. At other times in history October has been called Germanicus, Herculeus, and Faustinus.

TODAY is the 27th annual “World Vegetarian Day”, designed to create awareness of the ethical, environmental, health & humanitarian benefits of a vegetarian lifestyle. Coincidently, TODAY is also “Homemade Cookie Day” … so at least we can enjoy something besides bark and leaves.  (When’s ‘World Carnivore Day’ anyway?)

TODAY is “United Nations Day of Older Persons”. The Governor General’s office sends out over 1,000 birthday greetings annually to Canadians celebrating birthdays of 100 or more years.

TODAY is “World Smile Day”. This year’s official theme is, ‘Do an act of kindness. Help one person smile’. (Another observance of the Association of the Hopelessly Optimistic.)

SATURDAY is “Name Your Car Day”. Polls show that about 15% of people have a pet name for their vehicle. What’s the best-named car you’ve heard of?

SATURDAY is “Custodial Workers Day”, honoring those who clean up after the rest of us. Nicer names for ‘Janitor’ – ‘Caretaker’, ‘Maintenance Coordinator’, ‘Sanitation Engineer’, ‘Cleanliness Resource Supervisor’.

SATURDAY is “World Farm Animals Day”, as declared by the ‘Farm Animal Reform Movement’, to memorialize the ‘needless suffering and death’ of billions of innocent farm animals each year. The date honors the birthday of Mahatma Gandhi, who was the world’s foremost champion of humane farming.

THIS WEEKEND “Pumpkinfest”, the international pumpkin weigh-off competition, invades Port Elgin ON. More than 50,000 visitors are expected as growers compete for more than $24,000 in prize money and world titles for a variety of giant vegetables. Last year’s biggest punkin’ was a hefty 982 lbs. So how do you move the big veggies around – by crane?
PHONER: 800.387.3456/519.389.3714 (Pumpkinfest Headquarters)
NET: http://www.pumpkinfest.org

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1961 [43] CTV television network signs on (back when Lloyd Robertson was only 72)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1888 [116] 1st issue of “National Geographic” magazine

1903 [101] 1st MLB ‘World Series’ (Pittsburgh Nationals & Boston Americans)

1971 [33] ‘Disney World’ opens in Orlando FL

COMING UP . . .
[Mon] Child Health Day
[Mon] Toot Your Flute Day
[Tues] Techies Day
[Tues] World Teachers Day
[Tues] “Fahrenheit 9/11″ released on DVD
[Wed] Frugal Fun Day
[Wed] Lawyers Day
This Week Is . . . Pickled Pepper Week (Ouch! That’s a hot tamale!) 
This Month Is . . . Dryer Vent Safety Month (Yeah, never put your tongue in there. Huh?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOUR WIFE IS SECRETLY A PORN STAR:
• Every couple of weeks she has to fly to California to care for a ‘sick aunt’.
• When in bed, she just lies there until you yell “Action!”.
• She keeps getting mail addressed to ‘Patty O’Plenty’.
• Whenever you go out, drooling men ask her for her autograph.
• She looks suspiciously like the “Hustler” pin-up in your neighbor’s garage.
• She knows sexual positions that would put a circus contortionist in the hospital.
• She wears a micro-miniskirt and 6-inch spike heels to go grocery shopping.
• On your joint tax return she lists her occupation as ‘passion princess’.
• Just as you’re about to make love she asks, “What’s my motivation?”.
– “Weekly World News”

BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the worst hairstyle on a man?
56% Comb-over
33% Mullet
6% Mohawk
5% Faux hawk
– “Razor” magazine poll

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• What’s the hardest part of your body?
a. Skull
b. Tooth Enamel [CORRECT]
c. Abs

• You’re an ‘ecdysiast’. What do you do for a living?
a. Model clothes.
b. Design clothes.
c. Take off your clothes. [CORRECT. You’re a stripper.]

• What does a pilot drop to slow the plane so it can land?
a. Rudder
b. Flaps [CORRECT]
c. Pants

• You’re lobster fishing and your juicy catch is winged by a stray bullet. What color is its blood?
a. Blue. [CORRECT. Lobsters are the real ‘blue bloods’.]
b. Red, just like ours.
c. Mmmm, buttery yellow.

• What is the chief export of the island nation of Nauru [now-ROO] in the western Pacific?
a. Edible grubs.
b. Rats.
c. Bird poop. [CORRECT. If you’re in need of guano, Nauru’s just the ticket!]

BS ‘BEST BEFORE CONTEST’:
Have a look in your fridge & cupboards – we have a prize for the oldest expiry date!

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Men say you should do THIS after 5 dates while women say you should do this after 10 dates.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Introduce your partner to your parents.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you can gossip while you do it, it ain’t exercise.