Wednesday, October 22, 2003 Edition: #2649
It’s Another Running Of The Bull!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Justin Timberlake is shopping his autobiography to publishers, a look back at his many accomplishments from the lofty vantage point of age 22 . . . Timberlake is also said to be threatening to auction off his love letters from Britney Spears for charity (tacky tacky) . . . Egocentric “Lord of the Dance” star Michael Flatley is reportedly interested in investing millions in building the first ‘Irish casino’ in Las Vegas (looking for the pot o’ gold) . . . Former NBA star Dennis Rodman has been busted in Vegas for DUI after spontaneously jumping on a casino bouncer’s motorcycle and doing wheelies – until he crashed . . . Cash-strapped “Penthouse” magazine, founded by Bob Guccione back in 1965, is up for sale as part of a deal with creditors . . . Hong Kong’s month-long “Harbor Fest” concert series, designed to revive the tourism industry devastated by SARS, is not going well – as few as a third of the tickets selling for lame acts like Prince, Craig David, opera singer Jose Carreras & Charlotte Church (Rolling Stones appear NOVEMBER 7th & 9th) . . . Beyonce Knowles is being paid $4.8 million by Armani to deck herself out in the company’s high-end gear on her “Dangerously in Love” tour . . . Retired cartoonist Gary Larson is releasing “The Complete Far Side”, a 2-volume set that includes every single “Far Side” cartoon from its 14-year twisted history that ended in 1994 (weighs over 20 lbs, priced at $135) . . . And now that Ahnuld’s the guv, there’s apparently a movement among California Republicans to draft comedian Dennis Miller as a candidate for US Senate, a proposition he’s said to be considering (his campaign slogan is sure to be some obscure comedic reference that nobody understands).
BS BUZZWORDS:
New terms leaking into the lingo –
• ‘Google Grief’ – What you suffer from after searching the Internet to see what happened to old friends and discovering that they’re dead.
• ‘E-Load’ – The quantity of e-mail a person receives. (“We’re trying to reduce the staff’s e-load in order to increase efficiency.”)
• ‘Elder Orphans’ – Older people who have outlived all their family. With the aging baby boom and longer life spans, their numbers are expected to grow rapidly.
WHAT’S MOST IMPORTANT IN A DATE?
Highlights of a new survey asking singles what they look for in a dating partner –
• 49% of single women & 38% of men say ‘personality’ is the single most important trait.
• Unbelievably, 20% of men are impressed by a woman with a ‘nice car’.
• 19% of women & 14% of men look for a ‘sense of humor’.
• 14% of both men & women are attracted by ‘intelligence’.
(Apparently nobody cares what you look like anymore.)
HAS THE DOC GOT YOUR TONGUE?
A surgical operation called a ‘frenotomy’ has become the must-have item for well-heeled South Korean kids, some as young as a year-old. It’s a procedure that involves a cm-long snip of the frenulum, the strap of tissue linking the tongue to the floor of the mouth. Why? Koreans are genetically inclined to have a short frenulum, making it difficult to become a fluent English speaker. And that’s considered a requirement in the international business world. The 5-minute operation costs 150,000 won, about $125. Even after the surgery, it takes months of language training to speak accent-free English. (Even Britney Spears sacrificed a little tongue for her career.)
IT’S NOT FAIR:
According to a University of Florida study, tall people have better incomes than short people. Researchers found that each inch of height adds an average $783-a-year to a person’s pay. The study concludes that height matters more than gender in determining income. Tall people also seem to do better than short people on job evaluations, even when they’re supposed to be based on quantifiable figures, such as sales performance.
PREPOSTEROUS PET PRODUCTS:
• Marshall Products is now offering a full line of clothing – for pet ferrets. It includes bow ties, sweaters, hats, raincoats, even a miniature Santa suit, perfect for the festive ferret!
• ‘Frosty Paws’ is the latest in canine cuisine – a whey & soy faux ice cream treat that comes in single serving cups. It’s only available in one flavor which looks like vanilla but tastes ‘salty and icy’, according to manufacturer Nestle.
AND WE QUOTE:
“Their music stinks, but we’d do ‘em.” – The caption on a billboard for Atlanta’s 96 ROCK that featured a pic of Madonna & Britney Spears swapping spit. It was taken down in less than a week because offended commuters bombarded the station with calls.
THE BULL SHEET 10.22.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [65] Christopher Lloyd, Stamford CT, movie actor (“Back to the Future I-III”, “Addams Family I & II”)/former TV actor (Emmy Awards-“Taxi”, “Avonlea”)
1952 [51] Jeff Goldblum, Pittsburgh PA, film actor (“Independence Day”, “Jurassic Park I & II”)
1968 [35] Shaggy (Orville Richard Burrell), Kingston JAM, hip-hop artist (“Angel”, “It Wasn’t Me”)
1968 [35] Shelby Lynne (Moorer), Quantico VA, country singer (“Killing Kind”, “Things Are Tough All Over”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Barber Day”, honoring the scissor-handed folks who run clip joints.
TODAY in Vatican City is “Holy See Day”, the tiny country’s national day. (When the pope takes a day off and lounges around in jeans and a sweatshirt, suckin’ back brewskies.)
TODAY is the anniversary of “World’s End Day”. In 1844, religious zealot William Miller, who created the ‘Millerism’ movement, predicted the world would come to an end on this day and convinced thousands, who sold all their possessions and moved to higher ground.
TODAY is “National Nut Day”. Ask anyone to name a nut and most will start their list with ‘peanut’, which isn’t a nut at all – it’s a legume. Definition of a nut – “A hard, dry, indehiscent fruit formed from two or more carpels but containing only one seed.” Alrighty then.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1897 [106] 1st ‘used car dealership’ opens, in London UK (and 1st tires are kicked)
1913 [90] World’s ‘largest train terminal’, NYC’s Grand Central Station, opens (700,000 people and 600 trains pass through daily)
1938 [65] 1st ‘photocopy’ made by inventor Charles Floyd Carlson of Astoria NY (next day, 1st photocopy of an employee’s butt)
1939 [64] 1st ‘televised pro football game’ features Brooklyn Dodgers beating Philadelphia Eagles 23-14, picked up by a total of 500 TV sets
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1995 [08] ‘Largest gathering of world leaders’ in history marks 50th anniversary of United Nations in NYC
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Final flight of the Concorde aircraft
[Fri] Frankenstein Friday
[Sat] International Rock Paper Scissors Championship (Toronto)
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time ends (2am)
[Mon] Ramadan begins
This Week Is – National Character Counts Week / Business Women’s Week
This Month Is – Communicate with Your Kid Month / Fantasy Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If you’re about to die in an elevator, should you push the ‘Up’ button?
• If Super Glue is so great, how come you can take the lid off?
• How come the amount of news that happens in the world each day just happens to exactly fit in the newspaper?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• Do mimes watch silent movies?
BS INTERVIEW:
Club Macanudo on Manhattan’s posh Upper East Side is now offering NYC’s (and likely the world’s) ‘Most Expensive Martini’. The $63-drink is made with aged cognac, pear-flavored liqueur and 20-year-old port. Geez, for that money, can you get an extra olive? No gin, no vermouth … what makes this a martini?
PHONER: 212.752.8200 (Gabe Collazo)
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• According to “Glamour” magazine, the hot fashion trend for women is having words tattooed on their tush. My wife’s says, “Objects are larger than they appear.”
• According to the Society of Reproductive Medicine, cannabis may decrease fertility in men. You know guys are going to jump on this – “Baby I don’t need a condom, I’m on the bong!”
BS ‘BEFORE FAME GAME’:
What did the following celebs do for a living before they became famous?
• Eminem was a . . .
a. Butcher
b. Baker
c. Candlestick Maker.
[Eminem was a cook.]
• Rocker and rehab candidate Courtney Love was a . . .
a. Erotic Dancer
b. Ballet Dancer
c. Square Dancer
[Courtney Love became a stripper at age 16.]
• Actor Brad Pitt was a . . .
a. Bouncer
b. Nude model.
c. Chicken Mascot.
[Brad Pitt once earned a living as a chicken mascot for a restaurant.]
• Actress Sandra Bullock was a . . .
a. Miner
b. Tree Planter
c. Dog Beautician
[Sandra Bullock was a dog groomer.]
• Comedian/actor Dennis Leary was a . . .
a. Hockey Player
b. Gambler
c. Busboy
[Dennis Leary was a semi-pro hockey player.]
• Hip-hop artist Shaggy was a . . .
a. Tinker
b. Tailor
c. Soldier
[Shaggy was a US Marine, a Gulf War I vet.]
FANTASY WARNINGS:
You’ve no doubt read about the annual competition to find the ‘Wackiest Warning Label’ on consumer products? “Washington Post” recently asked readers to make up their own absurd product warnings, which would make a cool little participation bit for your listeners. Here’s a few primers to get them thinking –
• On a palm sander: “Not to Be Used to Sand Palms.”
• On a package of Fisherman’s Friend: “Not Meant as Substitute for Human Companionship.”
• On a Magic 8 Ball: “Not Advised for Use as a Home Pregnancy Test.”
• On a handgun: “Not Recommended for Use as a Nutcracker.”
• On a roll of Life Savers: “Not for Use as a Flotation Device.”
• On a disposable razor: “Do Not Use During an Earthquake.”
• On Odor Eaters: “Do Not Eat.”
• On a cup of McDonald’s coffee: “Allow to Cool Before Applying to Groin Area.”
• On a revolving door: “May Lead to a Broadcasting Career.”
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 81% of women interviewed say they would much rather do THIS than work out.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Eat pizza.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
