Monday, October 20, 2003 Edition: #2647
Sheeters Always Prosper!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore are planning a $1-million Valentine’s Day wedding at their favorite Las Vegas haunt, the Bellagio, according to tabloid “The Globe”. Ashton reportedly told pals, “I got down on one knee and proposed to Demi and she said yes.” (Yeah right. I think we’re being “Punk’d”.)
• “PeopleNews” reports that 23-year-old Brazilian stupormodel Gisele Bundchen has finally agreed to wed actor Leonardo DiCaprio, after he patiently asked her a 3rd time. (He had to speak slowly – she didn’t get it the first 2 times.)
• Britain’s “Daily Mail” says Christina Aguilera is developing bald patches on the right side of her head, perhaps due to her many extreme style changes. A hair expert tells the tab hair extensions are the most likely explanation because they often cause bald patches where they’ve gripped the scalp. Tight plaits or dreadlocks also cause problems, often leading to bald patches called ‘traction alopecia’. (It’s the only skin she hasn’t showed us before.)
• “Daily Dish” reports that Gwyneth Paltrow & Coldplay boyfriend Chris Martin performed together at a pal’s wedding recently, singing Smokey Robinson’s “Cruisin'”, which she also performed in the movie “Duets”. Martin then reportedly reduced her to tears when he sang his tune “Amsterdam”, which pays tribute to Gwyneth. (Oh gawd, anyone got a Gravol?)
• Magician David Blaine was due to leave his plastic box suspended over the Thames in London LAST NIGHT at 9.30pm local time. “Annanova” estimates 250,000 people have visited the site during the course of the stunt. The online tab says Blaine will need careful monitoring or he could die when he begins eating again after the 44-day fast. “News of the World” found a medical expert willing to chime in with the opinion that Blaine’s so weak, he could drop dead if he has sex.
• According to “Variety”, John Travolta has signed up to star in a sequel to the 1995 hit movie “Get Shorty”. Big John played ‘Chili Palmer’ in the original, alongside Danny De Vito & Gene Hackman. The sequel, based on Elmore Leonard’s novel “Be Cool”, will co-star The Rock as a gay bodyguard-singer and is expected to begin shooting in JANUARY.
• And thanks to “Weekly World News”, we learn that “Newly Liberated Iraqi Gals Are Wearing Bosom Burqas!”, “Five Starving Supermodels Busted for Bakery Robbery!”, “Woodpeckers Are Attacking Stupid Folks!”, “Mafia Puts First Man on Mars!”, “Elusive Baby Loch Ness Monster Caught!”, and – hurray! – “Lions No Longer Eating Missionaries!” (just Dallas Cowboys).
BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD:
Toronto’s “Sun” reports that Buick plans to give its soon-to-be-released ‘LaCrosse’ model a new name in Canada. Turns out ‘LaCrosse’ is synonymous with ‘masturbation’ in French-Canadian slang (who knew it was synonymous with ‘making the poutine’?). It’s likely the GM model will still be called ‘LaCrosse’ in the US. (And targeted at Cajun jerk-offs in Louisiana.)
(Other Francophone slang terms for masturbation: ‘Resurrecting the Rocket’, ‘Making Poutine’ …)
EGG-CITING RESEARCH:
Our farming tip of the day – a study of 180,000 chickens finds that those given plastic toys to play with spend more time pecking at them and less time pecking at each other. That leads to happier cluckers and that leads to far greater egg production. (Apparently a playing hen is a laying hen!)
HEY SPAMMERS, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE:
Highlights of a new survey of 1,000 kids aged 7 to 18 about e-mail –
• Over 80% of young Internet users get ‘inappropriate’ spam e-mail on a daily basis.
• Over 75% say they have at least one e-mail account in their name.
• Over 50% say ‘inappropriate’ spam makes them ‘uncomfortable’ and ‘offended’.
• About 50% do NOT ask parental permission before giving out their e-mail address.
• Over 20% say their parents have never spoken to them about spam.
ALSO FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• In a dating service survey of singles, 58% of men said they’d date a much younger woman, but only 17% of women would date a younger man. Half the women would date a much older man, but only 5% of men said they’d date an older woman.
• A University of Chicago survey reveals 21% of men and 12% of women have been unfaithful to their spouses in the past 5 years.
• According to a “USA Today” poll, nearly 40% of us do the ironing while naked or wearing only underwear. It’s most common among the 18-34 age group (48%).
THE REARVIEW CUBICLE:
Several online sites are now offering a rear-view mirror for office workers in cube farms to mount on their computer monitors, so they can see what’s happening behind them and who’s coming. It’s predicted the gizmos will become almost as popular as Post-it notes on monitors. Some resourceful types stick up a shiny CD instead, because it’s less obvious.
AND THERE IS NO EASTER BUNNY:
China’s first astronaut has exploded an urban legend that’s been passed around ever since humans first went into orbit – that the Great Wall of China is visible from space. In an interview with China Central Television, Lieutenant Colonel Yang Liwei says he could NOT see his country’s most famous landmark at all. The popular belief has been that it’s the only Earth structure visible from space.
FOR THE RECORD:
• LAST WEEK it was announced that 7-foot, 7-inch former NBA player Manute Bol was scheduled to become the ‘World’s Tallest Jockey’ by riding at Indiana’s Hoosier Park on SATURDAY night. Like his aborted ‘‘World’s Tallest Hockey Player’ scam a year ago, it was just a publicity stunt. In fact, Bol only received an ID card from the Indiana Horse Racing Commission and did NOT ride a thoroughbred. He was the featured celeb for the track’s “Sports Fanatic Night”.
• NEXT YEAR a Michigan golf course plans to open a 1,007-yard-long hole. This will eclipse the world’s current longest golf hole, a 964-yard monster in Japan. (Soon Michigan golfers will be able to brag “Hey, I shot a 68 … on number 12.”)
BS AMAZING FACT:
Cats almost never stray beyond a 3-block radius unless they’ve been moved in a vehicle.
THE BULL SHEET 10.20.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [68] Jerry Orbach, Bronx NY, TV actor (‘Detective Lennie Briscoe’-“Law & Order” since 1992)/Broadway song & dance man (Tony Award-“Promises, Promises”)
1950 [53] Tom Petty, Gainesville FL, classic rock singer (“Free Falling”, “I Won’t Back Down”)
1958 [45] Viggo Mortensen, NYC, movie actor (‘Aragorn/The Heir of Gondor’ in “Lord of the Rings” series)
1971 [32] Snoop Dogg (Cordozar Calvin Broadus), Long Beach CA, rap artist (w/Chingy & Ludacris-“Holidae In”)/TV host (“Doggy Fizzle Televizzle”)/movie actor (“Training Day”) COMING UP: Plays ‘Huggy Bear’ in the bigscreen version of the TV cop classic “Starsky & Hutch”, opening MARCH 5th.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TONIGHT is the 18th annual “Gemini Awards” gala in Toronto, when awards are handed out by the Academy of Canadian Cinema & Television live on CBC-TV beginning at 8pm ET. It’s the Canadian equivalent of the Emmy Awards for TV (except you’ve never watched most of the nominated shows or heard of the actors).
NET: http://www.geminiawards.ca
TODAY is “Hurricane Thanksgiving Day” in the Virgin Islands, celebrating the end of hurricane season by giving thanks for being missed by any blowhards.
TODAY is “National Brandied Fruit Day”. Let’s hear it for booze with a pit!
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1977 [26] 3 members of Lynyrd Skynyrd killed in charter plane crash near McComb MS
1990 [13] One-hit-wonder Deee-Lite releases mega-hit dance single “Groove Is In The Heart”
NUMBER 1 ON THIS DAY . . .
1962 [41] Halloween classic “The Monster Mash” by Bobby ‘Boris’ Picket & the Crypt Kickers
1973 [30] “Angie” by the Rolling Stones
1978 [25] “Video Killed the Radio Star” by the Buggles
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1818 [185] 49th parallel established as western Canada-US border
1865 [138] Ottawa becomes capital of Canada
1928 [75] Republican party 1st makes election promise of “a chicken in every pot, a car in every garage” (and WMD in every Middle East country)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1968 [35] Likely the ‘Largest Ever Pre-Nuptial Agreement’ as Jackie Kennedy weds Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis after signing 173-PAGE deal that includes a guarantee of separate bedrooms
1993 [10] Toronto and Philadelphia set records for longest (4:14) and highest-scoring (29) World Series game (Blue Jays finally win 15-14)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Reptile Day
[Thurs] TV Talk Show Host Day
[Thurs] Final flight of the Concorde aircraft
[Fri] National Bologna Day
[Fri] Frankenstein Friday
[Sat] International Rock-Paper-Scissors Championship (Toronto)
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Forest Products Week
School Bus Safety Week
Chemistry Week
Health Education Week
World Rainforest Week
Cleaner Air Week
Hug-A-Vending Machine Week
Save Your Back Week
Toastmaster’s Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS INVENTIVE THINGS TO DO WITH AUTUMN LEAVES:
• Leave them where they are and call it ‘open air composting’.
• As a science project, get the kids to glue them back on trees.
• Press them in a book, then impress friends when you open it up and cover the carpet with crap.
• Crunch them up and convince your spouse it’s the latest high-fiber cereal.
• Just be thankful for them, because you finally can’t see how badly your lawn needs mowing.
BS WORLD SERIES QUIZ:
Q: 93 years ago today (1910), a new and improved baseball was introduced to the World Series. What was different about it?
A: It was cork-centered.
Q: Since it began in 1903, how many times has the World Series been cancelled?
A: Just twice. In 1994, due to a players’ strike and in 1904, when the NY Giants simply refused to play Boston.
Q: Major League umpires rub up about 60 baseballs with special mud before every game. Which river does the mud come from – the Mississippi, the Missouri or the Delaware?
A: The Delaware River.
MORNING CREW CONFESSIONAL:
Set up an “Apology Line” where listeners can call in and clear their conscience by getting whatever they feel guilty about off their chests. Be sure to include an advisory that interesting confessions may be used on-air.
BS BLATANT JOKE:
[Co-host] is really steamed this morning. Someone stole her washable wallpaper out of her dryer at the laundromat.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What nicknames did you use for grandparents?” (Grandma & Grandpa? Granny & Grampy? Oma & Opa? Grams & Gramps? Nana & No-no?)
• “What frightens you the most?” (According to a Health Channel poll, ‘snakes’ top the list, followed by ‘fear of being buried alive’, ‘heights’, ‘being tied up’, and ‘drowning’. C’mon, what about spiders? Bees? Dogs? Appearing on “The Bachelor”?)
• “Which song title best describes your sex life? (“I Wanna Do It All”? “Stand Up”? “Where Is The Love”? “Real Good Man”? “Stacy’s Mom”?)
• “What secret do you keep from your partner?” (43% of respondents in a “Details“ magazine poll say their secret is – they’re smarter.)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: It’s estimated that there are approximately 35,000 of THESE in the world.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Elvis impersonators.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
WELCOME NEW BS-ERS:
Our newest “BS” subscriber is Randy Thacker @ KRSB Roseburg OR (nice to see you back after 5 years, Randy!). Samplers joining us this week include John Norris @ WCJM West Point GA, Greg Tobo @ Denver CO, Lori Alboino @ Humber College ON, Darlene Check @ CHLW Bonnyville AB, Steve Barrella @ WWHT Syracuse NY, Oliver Burkett @ KKSM San Marcos CA, and Matthew Lasher @ WPXZ Punxsutawney PA.
