Monday, October 28, 2002 Edition: #2408
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!
TOP TRASHY TABLOID BS HEADLINES:
• “Man Struck by Lightning Files Lawsuit Against God!”
• “Two-Headed German Politician Debates Himself – And Loses!”
• “Vampire Butterflies are Terrorizing South America & They’re Headed Our Way!”
• “Acupuncture Doc Threw Darts at Patients’ Heads – To Cure Them!”
• “Reality Is a Lie & We’re All Living in The Matrix!”
• “Working With Idiots Can Kill You!”
Source: “Weekly World News”
OTHER TABLOID BS:
• TODAY online bidding begins on what’s being called the largest collection of Elvis Presley’s hair clippings. ”E! Online” says the locks were gathered by Homer Gilleland, who was Presley’s personal hair-stylist for more than 20 years. 5 years ago, he gave the collection to his pal Tom Morgan Jr, who has decided to sell it. Bidding begins at $10,000. (A bargoon! Imagine what you could do with all that DNA – franchise the King!)
• TODAY opening arguments finally begin in the Winona Ryder shoplifiting trial. “E! Online” notes the 6-man, 6-woman jury includes former Sony studio boss Peter Guber.
• “Mirror” says Brit pop star Robbie Williams is so desperate to crack the US market he resorted to recording most of his new album – in the nude! He claims that making music while naked gives you a “certain sense of vulnerability”. (And if you sit on a metal stool, it helps you hit the high notes.)
• Turns out “Red Dragon” star Anthony Hopkins has some strange eating habits in real life, too. The actor tells “Star” even though he has a beautiful kitchen, he never has meals at home. How come? He’s a bit obsessive/compulsive! “I love everything to be in order,” he says. “I can’t bear a cup to be out of place, so I go out for every meal.”
• As if chronic emphysema and a heart bypass weren’t enough to deal with, “National Enquirer” says just-turned-77 TV legend Johnny Carson is now battling skin cancer, apparently caused by sun damage. The tab claims he’s already had lesions removed from his head and arms. (Recent studies show that as many as half of all Americans who live to age 65 will get skin cancer at some point.)
• First the rumor was she’s pregnant, now “PeopleNews” says Julia Roberts is looking to adopt a baby by Christmas time in a ‘desperate move to save her rocky marriage to Danny Moder’. (Who wants to buy a ticket in the divorce pool? Mr Lovitt?)
• “Star” reports 43-year-old Bon Jovi drummer Richie Sambora blew $50,000 to rent a 3-level yacht for a birthday bash for wife Heather Locklear’s 41st. 50 friends and relatives reportedly enjoyed a lavish buffet, drinks galore, live music and gambling during a 7-hour cruise.
• Here’s great news! “Mail” reports egomaniac Irish dancer Michael Flatley has had to liquidate his film production company due to huge debts. The so-called ‘Feet of Flames’, the original star of “Riverdance”, was planning to make the movie “Dreamdancer”, the tale of a poor Irish-American dancer who rises to fame and fortune. Sound familiar?
• “News of the World” reports that actor Richard Harris will be remembered in a private funeral service in London before having his ashes scattered near his home in the Bahamas. He died FRIDAY of Hodgkin’s disease at age 72. A replacement will have to be found to fill his ongoing role as ‘Professor Dumbledore’ in the ‘Harry Potter’ films.
• And because we all desperately need to know, “Star” informs us that Ben Affleck has decided to undergo hypnosis in a desperate rid himself of an annoying personal habit. No, not J-Lo. It seems Ben bites his nails! (Finger or toe? Both?)
ANIMAL CRUELTY:
A new survey by the Pet Supplies Plus store chain finds that 46% of dog and cat owners plan to dress their pets in some form of Halloween costume this year. The most popular pet get-ups – devils, angels, witches, and clowns. Another company, Compass Marketing, offers a full array of dog Halloween costumes, including cheerleader and Elvis outfits, and wedding gowns. (Don’t blame us if your German Shepherd comes back to bite you in the butt after you dress him in a tutu.)
FOOLING OURSELVES:
A “Men’s Health” poll finds that fully 82% of men surveyed rate their health as ‘good to excellent’. (In a related story, sales of funhouse mirrors are up.)
LOVE YOUR JOB:
Not having a job is more stressful than having one you hate, according to a study in “Prevention” magazine. In fact, researchers found that unemployed men over 40 are twice as likely to die as those continuously employed.
TOOTSY THE CLOWN:
An undertaker in the Netherlands is offering a new service to ease the tension people feel at funerals – a clown. Funeral clown Roelof van Wijngaarden has already attended 3 funerals and says the mourners seem to like it. His tactics include breaking wind loudly, a stunt that makes children giggle and their parents smile. (But how the heck does he do it on command?)
AUTUMN EXERCISE:
Research shows raking leaves burns off 4.5 calories per minute, the same as going for a brisk walk. (But after going for a walk, you don’t have to immediately start all over again.)
FEELING RESTED?
About 25 countries in the world shift to Daylight Saving Time each spring and back to Standard Time in the autumn. A University of British Columbia study found that on the Monday immediately after the changeover (like TODAY), there’s a significant variance in the number of traffic accidents. They increase by 8% in springtime and decrease by about the same amount when we shift back to normal time in fall. Why? Everybody gets an extra hour of sleep over the weekend.
BS AMAZING FACT:
The average person has 4,438 orgasms in a lifetime. (Some of them shared)
THE BULL SHEET 10.28.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [58] Dennis Franz, Maywood IL, TV actor (4 Emmy Awards as Detective Andy Sipowitz on “NYPD Blue”, since 1993)
1955 [47] Bill (William Henry III) Gates, Seattle WA, Microsoft mogul/world’s wealthiest human
1963 [39] Lauren Holly, Bristol PA, film actress (“What Women Want”, “Any Given Sunday”, “Dumb and Dumber”)
1966 [36] Andy Richter, Grand Rapids MI, lame TV sitcom actor (his “Andy Richter Controls the Universe” returns in JANUARY)/former lame TV sidekick (“Late Night With Conan O’Brien”)
1967 [35] Julia Roberts, Smyrna GA, movie star (“Ocean’s 11″, 2001 Academy Award-“Erin Brockovich “) UP NEXT: “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind” with George Clooney opening DECEMBER 27, then plays a free-spirited 1950s college teacher in “Mona Lisa Smile” coming in NOVEMBER, 2003
1972 [30] Brad Paisley, Glen Dale WV, country singer (“Wrapped Around”, “He Didn’t Have To Be”)
1974 [28] Joaquin Phoenix, San Juan PR, movie actor (“Signs”, “Gladiator”) NEXT MOVIE: “Aurora Island” with Kim Basinger, in which he plays a romantic drifter who gets involved with both a mother and her daughter, opening FEBRUARY, 2003
1977 [25] Brooke Burns, Dallas TX, TV babe (hosted summer hit reality series “Dog Eat Dog”)/ex-TV actress (“Baywatch”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Statue of Liberty Day” in America, honoring the day in 1886 when the Statue of Liberty was dedicated. The statue was designed by Frederic Auguste Bartholdi and was a gift to the US from France.
TODAY is “Plush Animal Lovers Day”, commemorating the 1858 birthday of Teddy Roosevelt, namesake of the ‘Teddy Bear’. This year is said to be the 100th anniversary of the Teddy Bear.
TODAY is “International Telework Day”, a day to work from home if you can.
TODAY food lovers around-the-world will be raising a glass of champagne in honor of “World Escoffier Day”, the 156th birthday (1846) of Auguste Escoffier, patron saint of gourmands and ‘father of modern French cuisine’.
TODAY is “St Jude’s Day”, the patron saint of lost causes, like getting your co-host to show up on time.
TODAY is “Ohi Day”, a national holiday celebrated by Greeks everywhere, commemorating Greek resistance during World War II. ‘Ohi’ is Greek for ‘no’.
TONIGHT “Glamour” magazine’s 13th annual “Women of the Year Awards” will be handed out in NYC. Recipients include singer Alanis Morissette, actress Sarah Michelle Gellar, TV journalist Katie Couric, and Enron whistle-blower Sherron Watkins. India.Arie will perform.
10 YEARS AGO . . .
1992 Disney releases “Beauty and the Beast” on video and sells 7 million copies the first week (by December it becomes the best selling video of all-time)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1636 [366] 1st university in America founded (Harvard U)
1904 [98] 1st use of ‘fingerprints’ in a police investigation, in St Louis MO (before that, they just went door-to-door asking “Did you do it?”)
1954 [48] 1st ‘automatic toll collectors’ (1st driver tries to sneak through by tossing in a penny)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Hermit Day
[Tues] International Internet Day
[Wed] Devils Night
[Wed] Mischief Night
[Thurs] Halloween
[Thurs] National Magic Day
[Thurs] Increase Your Psychic Powers Day
[Thurs] UNICEF Day
This Month is – Auto Battery Safety Month / Country Music Month / Fire Prevention Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT YOUR FAVORITE CLOTHING COLOR REVEALS:
Black – strong and independent, but prone to sulking.
Blue – creative, sensitive, but at times moody.
Yellow – positive and intelligent.
Green – loving and loyal, easily jealous.
Red – a flirt, but down-to-earth.
Orange – enthusiastic and confident.
Source: “Mizz Magazine”
BS FACT OR CRAP?
Two of the following statements are true, one total BS. But which one?
GAME #1 –
1. The average person breaks wind 14 times a day.
2. The average person produces 1,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime.(BS. It’s more like 10,000
gallons.)
3. The average person sheds about 1-and-a-half pounds of skin each year.
GAME #2 –
1. Wine will spoil if exposed to light. That’s why wine bottles are tinted.
2. A larger percentage of households in France consume wine than in any other country. (BS. It’s actually Denmark.)
3. The expression ‘to drink a toast’ comes from the ancient Roman custom of dropping spiced,
burnt bread into wine to improve the flavor.
GAME #3 –
1. It’s considered bad luck in China to give straw sandals as a gift because they’re associated with funerals.
2. New Year gifts in China include red envelopes with ‘lucky money’ inside.
3. Wearing white in China is considered good luck. (BS. Red is good luck, white is the color of mourning.)
BS ‘FINISH LINES’:
Have a phone contestant (kids are great) try to finish the following famous sayings –
• “It’s always darkest before . . . (Nope, not Daylight Savings Time, “the dawn.”)
• “Never bite the hand that . . . (Not looks dirty, but “feeds you.”)
• “No news is . . . (Impossible? Naw, it’s “good news.”)
• “If you lie down with dogs, you’ll . . . (You’re gonna wake up with puppies? No, it’s “then you’ll wake up with fleas.”)
• “The pen is mightier than . . . (E-mail? How about “the sword.”)
• “An idle mind is . . . (Not the best way to relax, it’s “the devil’s workshop.”)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 44% of us say we sort of believe this superstition.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: A black cat crossing your path causes bad luck.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Never trust a skinny cook.
BS SALUTE:
Welcome to this week’s “BS” samplers that include Big Moon @ HOT 105.9 Janesville WI, JJ McKay @ KXKL Lakewood CO, Cole Corrigan @ WYTE Stevens Point WI, Nader Shirawi @ RADIO BAHRAIN, Chuck Manning @ KWNR Las Vegas NV, and Sadia Jones @ WPXZ Punxsutawney PA. You can always renew or subscribe by clicking the link at the top of each “BS” issue.
