Monday, October 21, 2002 Edition: #2403
Don’t Forget to Renew or You’ll Be Sheet Outta Luck!
BS TITILLATING YET TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• Here’s the week’s REAL news, at least according to “Weekly World News” – “Miracle Shirt Turns Losers Into Babe Magnets!”, “Iraqi Sub Prowling Lake Michigan!”, “Loophole in Lone Star State’s Constitution Allows Mexico to Take Back Texas!”, “Lightning Rods You Can Wear!”, “You May Be Drinking Toilet Water Because Your City May Be Tapping Into It!”, and – horror of horrors – “Weeping Virgin Mary Statue Causing Flood Damage to Church!”
• “National Enquirer” says all is not well on the Cambridge ON set of the upcoming thriller “The Devil’s Throat”, Sharon Stone’s first major movie since the 1998 sci-fi dud “Sphere”. She was almost forced to back out of her starring role when her father was stricken with cancer, then she suffered vertigo, was constantly sick to her stomach and lost 10 lbs from severe stomach flu and stress, and had a terrifying brush with overzealous fans. “It’s been an absolute nightmare!” she claims. (Somehow the word ‘blockbuster’ doesn’t come to mind.)
• According to “Star”, Lisa Kudrow lobbied hard for her ditzy character ‘Phoebe’ to be given a lesbian love interest on “Friends” THIS SEASON. Although Jennifer Aniston’s kiss with Winona Ryder a while back caused a lot of excitement, producers vetoed the idea. But they’re making it up to her by writing in a juicy love affair for ‘Phoebe’ with a man. Actor Paul Rudd has reportedly been cast to do the wooing. (Want to generate HUMONGOUS ratings? 3 words – ‘Rachel’ and ‘Phoebe’.)
• “Mirror” reports that former heavyweight Missy Elliott is enjoying leaner times. The 31-year-old R&B star, once a size 16, has shed a whopping 55 lbs to combat high blood pressure. She showed off her svelte new figure to pals in Puerto Rico at the launch party for her new album “Under Construction”. (More like ‘Deconstruction’.)
• “People” magazine reports that Steven Spielberg has obtained a restraining order against a woman who’s been following him around, claiming he implanted a mind-control device in her brain. (The restraining order was granted immediately after Mr Spielberg deftly placed some sort of miniature electronic gadget in the judge’s left nostril.)
• For the first time James Gandolfini has admitted that he has battled drug and alcohol addictions. But “E! Online” says the 41-year-old “Sopranos” is now claiming to be clean and sober. (The sudden rush of honesty may be financially motivated – a response to allegations made by his wife in their on-going divorce case.)
• According to “Star” magazine, Cher is anxious to become a grandmother and is pushing son Elijah Blue and daughter Chastity to hurry up (Chastity would have to first find a donor). (If she’s in that much of a hurry, why not just make a kid with all those extra spare parts she has?)
• “Enquirer” says Nicolas Cage & Lisa Marie Presley’s 2-month marriage is already on the skids after several ugly blowups. They’ve reportedly been spending nights apart and can’t even agree on where they want to live together. (Elvis-freak Cage is probably holding out for Graceland.)
• “News of the World” says 35-year-old actor Vin Diesel has some big-time ‘splaining to do to his secret Czech fiancée, gorgeous 18-year-old actress Pavla Hrbkova, whom he met on the set of “XXX”. Seems LAST WEEK the action hero shared a Rome hotel suite with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Hungarian groupies! Pavla claims she doesn’t care about the rumors, saying – quote – “Vin’s body is to die for, he’s so muscle-y with a sexy 6-pack. He’s incredible in bed.” (And that completes Chapter 1 of our course on why guys wanna be movie stars.)
• According to “Mirror”, 30-year-old Eminem is back on the market after being dumped by his “8 Mile” co-star, 24-year-old Brittany Murphy, in favor of her current leading man, Ashton Kutcher, who co-stars with her in the upcoming film “Just Married”. (She taking lessons from Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan or what?)
CHANGE OF ADDRESS:
TODAY the two-letter Canada Post symbol for Newfoundland changes from NF to NL, standing for ‘Newfoundland & Labrador’. The change is being made at the province’s request to reflect its official name. (Coincidently, today is also the first day mail bound for Newfoundland will be mistakenly diverted to the Netherlands.)
EXERCISE BLADDER CONTROL:
Want to get the most out of your exercise routine? Drink up! A study in the “Journal of Sports Medicine” claims exercisers who are slightly dehydrated work out for 10 minutes less than those who get enough water. The rule of thumb – drink 8 oz immediately before exercising, 4-8 oz every 15 minutes during a workout, and another 8 oz before hitting the shower. (Then spend the entire night in the john.)
MOUSE WITH NO TAIL:
Tired of that mass of ‘spaghetti’ behind your desk? Microsoft is launching a wireless desktop package for PCs. The ‘Wireless Optical Desktop for Bluetooth’ allows use of a cable-free keyboard, mouse and printer. Bluetooth connects devices wirelessly via short-range radio waves over a range of up to 30 feet. A wireless compatible mobile phone will also be available for connection to PCs. (How long you figure before some practical joker figures out how to send signals to someone else’s PC in a cubicle 30 feet away?)
THE LA-Z-DESK:
A German engineer has designed a desk that converts into a giant pillow for flagging office workers in need of a quick snooze. Matthias Knigge’s ‘airbag table’ will soon be on display at a Hamburg art gallery. A prototype of the walnut desk looks perfectly ordinary until a small button is pressed underneath. This activates a fan that inflates a bright orange airbag which unfolds through an opened panel on the desktop.
I AM NOT WORTHY:
A new study suggests the theory that low self-esteem is the cause of many personal and social problems is false. Psychologist Nicholas Emler says not only is low self-esteem not so bad, but the glut of self-help books on the market are the modern-day equivalent of snake oil. (This has made a lot of self-help authors feel really bad about themselves.)
THE HEIGHT OF FAMILY FEUDS:
A recent British study suggests that children who live with warring parents or come from broken homes are more likely to be shorter. (Shaq’s parents must adore each other.)
WHY WOMEN SHOP:
A study by Lancaster University psychologists published in “Woman” magazine claims that women who are unhappy, or have a disappointing sex life, resort to shopping as a kind of pick-me-up. (Funny, so do happy, sexually-satisfied women.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
You can make 5 baseball gloves from 1 cow! (Actually 6 – if you only have 4 fingers and use the udder.)
THE BULL SHEET 10.21.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1949 [53] Mike Keenan, Whitby ON, NHL coach (Florida Panthers, ex-Vancouver, St Louis, NYR, etc)/only the 2nd in NHL history to coach 7 different teams
1956 [46] Carrie Fisher, Beverly Hills CA, movie actress (Princess Leia-“Star Wars”)/author (“Postcards from the Edge”)/screenwriter (“The Wedding Singer”, “Sister Act”)/Paul Simon’s ex-
1971 [31] Jade Jagger, Paris FRA, fashion model/daughter of Mick & Bianca Jagger
1992 [10] Benjamin Storm Keough, son of Lisa Marie Presley & Danny Keough/Elvis Presley’s grandson/stepson of Nicolas Cage
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Babbling Day”, a day of tolerance for those who run off at the mouth – unless they’re on-the-air. Radio rule #1 – It is better to be brief than boring.
TODAY is “National Reptile Day”, a day of cold-blooded appreciation.
TODAY is “Overseas Chinese Day”, when thousands of Chinese go back to their homeland of Taiwan for special celebrations.
TONIGHT the “Harvest Moon” will rise in the east about a half-hour after the Sun sets in the west. The name for the Full Moon occurring closest to the September Equinox is derived from the additional light that allowed farmers to harvest their crops after sunset.
OCTOBER is the most likely month for managers to be fired, according to employment stats (keep your fingers crossed!).
BS SIGNS YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET FIRED:
• You find a U-Haul brochure on your desk.
• Co-workers keep asking for first dibs on your chair.
• Everyone in the office has a pool ticket with a date on it except you.
TODAY is Hurricane Thanksgiving Day in the Virgin Islands, celebrating the end of hurricane season.
Salem, Massachusetts, home of the infamous ‘witch scare’ 300 years ago, is again hosting its annual month-long “Haunted Happenings” through October 31st, touted as the world’s largest Halloween celebration. Scary events include broomstick-flying and gravestone-rubbing.
PHONER: 877-SALEM-MA/978-744-3663
NET: http://www.hauntedhappenings.org
10 YEARS AGO . . .
1992 Madonna’s controversial book “Sex” goes on sale, sealed in silver wrapping and costing about $50
5 YEARS AGO . . .
1997 Elton John’s Princess Diana tribute, “Candle in the Wind 1997”, becomes all-time biggest-selling single after just 37 days (breaking record held by Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” for over 40 years)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1879 [123] 1st practical ‘electric light bulb’ demonstrated by Thomas Edison (before that, a candle lit over peoples’ heads when they had an idea) FACTOID: A new generation of light bulbs now being tested in traffic lights and a handful of designer homes will last almost 70 years. The new light-emitting diodes burn for 100,000 hours – 100 times longer than an ordinary domestic light bulb. Manufacturers are now spending millions on R&D to prepare the new technology for domestic use.
1887 [113] Québec threatens to pull out of Canadian Confederation (becomes an annual event)
1849 [153] 1st ‘tattooed man’, James O’Connell, is put on exhibition at NYC’s Franklin Theater
1976 [26] 1st team to ‘sweep’ MLB playoffs and then the World Series (Cincinnati Reds over NY Yankees)
1996 [06] 1st ‘Internet record label’ (J-Bird Records)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1918 [84] ‘Typing speed’ record of 170 wpm set by Margaret Owen of NYC (on a manual typewriter – with no errors!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] TV Talk Show Host Day
[Thurs] National Bologna Day
[Fri] Frankenstein Friday
[Sun] Mother-In-Law’s Day
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time ends
THIS WEEK IS . . .
World Rainforest Week
Peace, Friendship, and Goodwill Week
School Bus Safety Week
National Character Counts Week
Business Women’s Week
Consumers Week
Disarmament Week
Family Sexuality Education Month (“Son, we’ve got to have a talk . . .”)
BULL’S BITS . . .
ACTUAL STUDENT ANSWERS FROM SCIENCE TESTS:
• “The abdominal cavity contains the bowels, of which there are 5 – a, e, i, o, and u.”
• “Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
• “Mushrooms always grow in damp places, so they look like umbrellas.”
• “A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
• “Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.”
Source: “Popular Science”
MEN’S ENGLISH:
• “What’s wrong?” = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• “Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = I liked it better before.
• “I like that one better” = Pick any freakin’ dress on the rack and let’s go out.
• “I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together” = I’m gay.
WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
• “Be romantic, turn out the lights” = I have flabby thighs.
• “This kitchen is so inconvenient” = I want a new house.
• “I heard a noise” = I noticed you were almost asleep.
• “I’ll be ready in a minute” = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• “You have to learn to communicate” = Just agree with me.
BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: This happens to a baseball 5 times before it is used in a World Series game –
a) It gets weighed.
b) It gets thrown against a wall.
c) It gets washed.
A: Baseballs get weighed 5 times before they are used in ANY Major League game.
Q: You’re having breakfast in Copenhagen and decide you’d like a Danish pastry with your coffee. But you find out that in Denmark it’s not called a Danish. What should you ask for?
a) Finnish sweets.
b) Norwegian nuggets.
c) Swedish buns.
A: They call them Swedish buns.
Q: 92 years ago (1910), a new and improved ball was introduced to the World Series. What was different about it?
a) It had a cork center.
b) It was spit resistant.
c) It was yellow.
A: It was cork-centered.
BS CANADIANA:
Q: This CFL team’s nickname comes from the Algonquin word for ‘he eats it raw’ or ‘eats raw flesh’.
A: Edmonton ‘Eskimos’.
Source: Infocan
Q: Canada has about one-fifth of the world’s supply of fresh water. How much is renewable – 80%, 40% or 10%?
A: Just 10%. When the other 90% is gone – it’s gone!
Source: Environment Canada
BS EXCUSE:
That was not dead air you just heard. That was me using sign language to introduce the next song for the hearing impaired.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: One-quarter of us do this when we go to bed even if it might be a little risky.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Leave the door unlocked.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Thou shalt not steal – the government hates competition.
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
A big Bull-size welcome to our newest “BS” subscriber – Val Cole @ 97 KISS-FM Vancouver BC, and to this week’s samplers that include Kelly Wilson @ WCQL Glens Falls NY, John Morgan @ WKUZ Wabash IN, Cher @ WKLJ Sparta WI, Dan Polmer @ WDAQ Danbury CT, and Julia Bradley @ KBEA Davenport IA. Welcome aboard! And remember, you can easily subscribe or renew simply by clicking the link at the top of each “BS” issue.
