Wednesday, October 16, 2002
Thanks to You, This is “BS” Edition: #2400!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY London’s Science Museum opens the “Bond, James Bond” exhibition to the public, featuring the biggest collection of 007 memorabilia ever assembled, including laser-firing watches, bulletproof cars and exotic costumes worn by ‘Bond girls’ (the next Bond film, “Die Another Day”, opens NOVEMBER 22) . . . Canadian singing icon Joni Mitchell tells “Rolling Stone” magazine that she’s ashamed to be part of the music biz because it’s a ‘cesspool’ and she may stop recording (this is shocking – you mean she hasn’t?) . . . Even though Halloween is just around the corner, actress Cassandra Peterson says she’s considering retiring her ‘Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’ character (this is shocking – you mean she hasn’t?) . . . The average age at death of the celebs in Quinton Skinner’s new book “Casualties of Rock” about the deaths of 100 rock & pop stars – just over 30-years-old (so you wanna be a rock ‘n roll star?) . . . “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” stars William Petersen & Marg Helgenberger will have their salaries doubled for helping make the show the #1 TV drama (she’ll reportedly get $150,000 per episode while he’ll bring home about $250,000 – chicken feed compared to Martin Sheen’s take from “The West Wing”) . . . Meantime, this season’s TV ratings for “The West Wing” are down a whopping 33% in the key 18 to 49 demo (Rob Lowe can forget about getting his raise) . . . Stunning model-turned-actress Rebecca Romijn-Stamos tells the new “Jane” magazine she & actor-hubby John Stamos first did the nasty at Disneyland and go back on their anniversary each year for marathon sex sessions, and oh…she also reveals she LOVES porn (c’mon ‘Becca – open up and tell us something personal) . . . Someone has taken the time to find out that 16 of the fall TV season’s 33 new series used the word ‘ass’ in their first episode . . . And because you really need to know – Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt use Aspirin for healthy hair, Jen saying she adds 2 crushed pills to her shampoo each wash to stop her highlights from fading and Brad doing the same for his beard before he shaved it off – to keep it fluffy.

NEW TERMS FOR ‘02:
• ‘Shopping Bulimia’ – You buy an outfit, take it home and then decide you don’t like it and take it back to the store, thereby ‘regurgitating’ it.
• ‘Iraqnophobia’ – The fear of anything Iraqi. A condition increasingly aggravated by the talk of war, biological weapons and terrorism. Seems to be running rampant at the White House!
• ‘Personal Inertia’ – Total lack of motivation or simple laziness as in “[Co-host] has personal inertia issues this morning.”
• ‘Salmon Day’ – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end as in ”Dude, I’m wiped. I had a total salmon day at work.”

WARNING! WARNING! MAXIMUM LOAD EXCEEDED!
An Italian professor has devised a new solution for weight-watchers unable to stick to their diets – a belt that flashes and beeps when the wearer has eaten too much. The ‘Cintura di Vastita’ or ‘Vast-ity Belt’ has an electronic microchip which causes lights to flicker and bells to ring when the belt tightens beyond a certain limit. The special belt is pre-adjusted for the wearer and can be put on just before tucking in at the table.

MALE BIOLOGICAL CLOCK:
A new study suggests that the so-called ‘biological clock’ ticks for men too – winding down at age 35. How’s that? University of Washington researchers have discovered that genetic damage to sperm routinely starts to cause infertility in men as young as 35. That means the chances of a couple having a baby are substantially reduced once the male has reached his late 30s or 40s. (Would someone tell Michael Douglas?)

WINOS NEVER FORGET:
In a new study, Dr Thomas Truelsen of the Institute of Preventive Medicine in Copenhagen has found that people who drink beer – even as infrequently as once per month – are more than twice as likely as non-beer drinkers to experience a deterioration in mental functioning, known as dementia, after age 65. On the other hand, people who drink wine weekly are 70% less likely than wine-abstainers to develop dementia after age 65. (However, their livers average 78 pounds.)

HEY YOU, WANNA BUY A WATCH?
Outdoor ads that talk to people may soon be hitting the street. A new technology developed by Scottish design firm Harris Hynd uses an infra-red sensor to trigger a poster or billboard to speak, play music or produce sound effects whenever it detects people passing by. The interactive ads use digitally recorded audio messages and could find use in department stores, malls and bus shelters.

TALKING TO AMERICANS:
A new Leger Marketing poll asked a cross section of Americans if Canada should become the 51st US state. 38% of respondents said they would be in favor of it, while 49% were against the idea. (Apparently worried about lowering the average national temperature.)

THE 102ND USE FOR DUCT TAPE:
Researchers at the Madigan Army Medical Center in Tacoma WA say that duct tape can be useful in getting rid of ‘verruca vulgaris’ – the common wart. It apparently takes about a month to work, but warts are effectively suffocated by the tape and the resulting dead tissue can then be gradually rubbed off with an emery board or pumice stone (owwww!). In experiments, the duct tape method worked for 85% of patients! (Yeah, but you sure look like a spaz walking around with grey tape stuck all over you.)

HELMET FITTER:
A new method of putting on condoms has been developed in South Africa, where about 25% of the sexually active population is already HIV positive. Cape Town entrepreneur Willem van Rensburg has developed a condom applicator which can ‘install’ a condom in just 3 seconds, compared to the 30-40 seconds normally required. (Or in some cases, 30-40 tries before giving up.)

PREPOSTEROUS POLLS:
• A startling new poll on shopping and sex finds that 10% of women say they prefer shopping for clothes to sex – and 6% of men do, too!
• According to a new survey by the American Pet Products Manufacturers Association, 4% of bird owners plan to buy a tiny little casket for their pet when it dies.
• What stinks the most? An online poll by Renuzit air freshener found the voting went this way – skunks (59.7%), rotten eggs (47.2%), dirty diapers (45.1%), bathroom odors (37.9%) and dairy farms (31.6%). Also receiving votes – ‘politics’ and ‘the guy I have to work with’!

THE BULL SHEET 10.16.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [77] Angela Lansbury, London ENG, movie actress (“Beauty & the Beast”)/TV actress (“Murder, She Wrote” [1984-96])/Broadway actress (5-time Tony Award winner)/2000 Kennedy Center Honoree

1941 [61] Tim McCarver, Memphis TN, Major League Baseball analyst (FOX-TV)/ex-MLB catcher

1943 [59] Fred Turner, Winnipeg MB, classic rock musician (BTO-“Takin’ Care of Business”)

1946 [56] Suzanne Somers (Mahoney), San Bruno CA, diet guru who was caught visiting a liposuction clinic/former ‘Thighmaster’ pitchwoman/TV actress (“Three’s Company” [1977-81])/married to Canadian Alan Hamel since 1977

1958 [44] Tim Robbins, West Covina CA, movie actor (“The Shawshank Redemption”, “Bull Durham“)/film director (“Dead Man Walking”)/Susan Sarandon’s partner since 1988  NEXT FILM: “The Truth About Charlie”, a remake of the 1963 classic thriller “Charade”, opening OCTOBER 25

1962 [40] Flea (Michael Balzary), Melbourne AUS, rock guitarist (Red Hot Chili Peppers-“The Zephyr Song”, “By the Way”, ”Californication”) who got his nickname because he shaved his head in high school, making him ‘bald as a flea’

1974 [28] Paul Kariya, Vancouver BC, NHL sniper (Anaheim Mighty Ducks)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] “World Food Day”

TODAY is “Dictionary Day,” celebrating the 1758 birth of Noah Webster, one of the most famous of lexicographers, who 1st published “Webster’s Dictionary” in 1828.

TODAY is “National Bosses Day,” when employees are encouraged to ‘honor the boss’ (aka ‘Brown Nosers Day’).

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1846 [156] 1st public demonstration of ‘surgical anesthesia’ (early anesthetics included ether, hashish, opium and alcohol)  FACTOID: A new study suggests that people with naturally red hair need about 20% more anesthesia than patients with other hair colors. Seems the genetic quirk that makes red hair red may also make carrot-tops harder to knock out!

1916 [86] 1st ‘birth control clinic’ in America is opened by Margaret Sanger in Brooklyn NY

1921 [81] 1st (and only) mid-game NFL coaching change (Rock Island Independents fire Frank Coughlin at half-time)

1978 [24] Cardinal Karol Wojtyla of Poland gets a new job as ‘Pope John Paul II’ (even though he’s 82, he has a long way to go to surpass the oldest Pope – his name was St Agathon and he died in the year 681 at age 103!)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1968 [34] Toronto Maple Leaf Jim Dorey sets 2 NHL penalty records (48 minutes in a game, 44 minutes in a period)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Gaudy Day
[Fri] Persons Day (Canada)
[Fri] No Beard Day
[Sat] Evaluate Your Life Day
[Sun] Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day
[Mon] Harvest Moon
This Week is – Veterinary Week / Pharmacy Week
This Month is – National Sarcastics Month (‘cause they’re such special people, aren’t they?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Even the most menial job sounds important given the right title. For instance –
• ‘Media Distribution Operative’ [Delivers newspapers]
• ‘Gostopologist’ [Works the ‘Stop/Go’ sign at construction sites]
• ‘Suctional Engineer’ [Cleans carpets]
• ‘Information Choreographer’ [Librarian]
• ‘Destination Counselor’ [Travel Agent]
• ‘Hygiene Technician’ [Office Cleaner]
• ‘Independent Management Consultant’ [Unemployed]

BS INTERVIEW:
University of Calgary entomologist Rob Longair says the Western world is ignoring a significant and plentiful food source – insect meat. It contains lots of protein, essential nutrients, amino acids and less fat than other types of food, but culturally there is a North American bias against bugs because we consider them yucky. So why do we eat oysters or lobster?, he wonders.
PHONER: 403-220-7387

BS ‘WHICH CAME FIRST?’
• Which came first – the 1st heart transplant or the 1st episode of “ER” on TV?
[The first heart transplant took place in 1967. “ER” didn’t debut until 1994.]

• Which came first – the 1st ‘test-tube baby’ or the 1st ‘Cabbage Patch Kids’?
[The first test-tube baby was born in 1978. Cabbage Patch Kids were the hit of Christmas, 1983.]

• Which came first – “Coaches’ Corner” pundit Don Cherry or the Toronto Maple Leafs?
[Don ‘Grapes’ Cherry was born February 5, 1934 in Kingston ON. Toronto St Patrick’s began calling themselves the Toronto Maple Leafs 8 years earlier in the 1926-27 season.]

• Which came first – the automatic garage door opener or the 1st TV remote control?
[Tough one! Automatic garage door openers were invented in the late 1940s. The first TV remote control called ‘Lazy Bones’ was developed in 1950 by Zenith Electronics, but didn’t come into popular use until much later.]

• Which came first – NFL wide receiver Jerry Rice or the Oakland Raiders football franchise?
[The seemingly ageless Rice turned 40 on SUNDAY. The Raiders original AFL franchise was granted January 30, 1960, making the team just 2 years older than its superstar pass catcher!]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: This bugs 90% of us.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: People that talk on cell phones in public.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If time is money, we are all living beyond our means.