Monday, October 7, 2002 Edition: #2393
The Most Home Runs in Show Prep!
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Star” magazine claims Kim Bassinger has undergone surgery to remove slipped discs and fuse together damaged vertebrae in her lower back. The tab claims one source of her pain was years of physical and emotional abuse from ex-hubby Alec Baldwin. She now faces a year-long recovery. (A law suit from the Baldwin camp should be announced any day now.)
• Pierce Brosnan tells “Esquire” mag he saved Halle Berry’s life while they were shooting a love scene for the new ‘James Bond’ movie. Seems Brosnan performed the Heimlich maneuver on his co-star after she choked on a piece of fruit (hmm, just what kind of a love scene was THIS?). Fortunately, Halle recovered so she can “Die Another Day”. The movie opens NOVEMBER 22.
• Meantime, “National Enquirer” claims Halle Berry is making her skirt-chasing hubby Eric Benet pay for his infidelities. He’s already completed the sex addiction program at The Meadows rehab center in Arizona. Now she’s keeping him so busy working as their housekeeper, he hardly has time to cheat! Apparently she’s let it be known that if she’s the sole bread-winner, the least he can do is pick up after himself. What’s more, 36-year-old Eric has to make certain Halle knows where he is at all times so she can reach him in an instant. (Why are fine women always attracted to such losers?)
• Kylie Minogue tells “Elle” magazine she doesn’t think of herself as sexy at all, just a – quote – ‘drag queen caught in a woman’s body’. Apparently a South African supermarket chain disagrees, yanking all the copies from its shelves of the new “GQ” magazine that features Kylie dressed only in pink-striped undies and cowboy boots on the cover.
• “The Smoking Gun” Website reveals the following monthly expenses listed for boxer Mike Tyson’s ongoing divorce case against Monica Turner – $65,000 for limos, over $4,000 in pet care expenses for his tiger, and a whopping $2,800 a month for lawn mowing. No wonder Tyson is claiming in Maryland Circuit Court that he has severe financial problems!
• “Star” says OJ Simpson has approached Vancouver production company TV Stars, desperately wanting to become a Simon Cowell-style judge on its new reality show. Seems the makers of the “American Idol”-style acting competition called “Final Cut” turned him down flat, reducing the Juice to ranting and raving about his fame (infamy?). So far, producers say “Dawson’s Creek” star Joshua Jackson has been approached to be one of the 3 judges on the show.
• Madonna tells “Access Hollywood” that she actually was embarrassed to do sex scenes for the new movie ”Swept Away” in front of her husband, director Guy Ritchie. (She was worried he’d be jealous of the Manchester United soccer team?)
• And here’s our weekly review of the outrageous headlines generated by trashy tab “Weekly World News” – “60 Billion E.T.s Are On Their Way Back to Reclaim the Planet!”, “Woman Turns Neck Into Flute!”, “3000-Year-Old Mummy Pregnant! – Janitor Admits: I’m the Father!”, “Redneck Space Aliens Raising Hell on Earth!”, “Humanity’s Dirty Little Secret Revealed – Humans With Tails!”, and “Statue of Elvis Presley Weeps Real Tears!” (must be in happiness over the success of the new album).
AND WE QUOTE:
Jackie Chan unveiled his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame by saying, “I remember coming to Hollywood and seeing the stars and I wanted one. To show my appreciation I will make better films.” (Hear hear!)
BACKWARD MASKING MEMORY:
An Australian researcher claims our brains generate unconscious messages every 10-15 seconds during speech and if speech is played backwards it can reveal our true thoughts. He also suggests ‘baby talk’ from toddlers is actually backward speech. (Make your own samples – play tape backwards to reveal that when your co-host said ‘Good morning, great to be here again!’ she was actually thinking ‘Damn I’m tired and I’ve gotta make it through another day at this dead-end job.’)
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR:
Italian porn star and former member of parliament La Cicciolina has offered to give herself to Iraqi President Saddam Hussein in exchange for world peace.
SPLITS HURT:
University of Illinois research shows cheerleaders are injured less frequently than football players but they miss more games because – their injuries tend to be more severe. (Since when is pregnancy classified as an ‘injury’?)
SMELL-A-PHONE:
If you think those cell phone ring-tone tunes are annoying, check this out – a German inventor has come up with a device that clips on to your mobile phone to give off your favorite
aroma instead of ringing. You just program in a smell to coincide with the person calling you. For example, when your partner is calling the device might release their favorite aftershave or perfume. (Ewww, what’s that? Smells like the sales department is calling.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
Up to 50% of drug consumers don’t follow the instructions on their prescriptions properly, ie: ‘Take one tablet twice daily….’ (Maybe because it doesn’t say ‘please’?)
THE BULL SHEET 10.07.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951 [51] John Mellencamp, Seymour IN, rock singer (“Cherry Bomb”, “Jack & Diane”)/Farm Aid co-founder
1955 [47] Yo-Yo Ma, Paris FRA, world famous cellist/”People” magazine’s ‘Sexiest Classical Musician’ of 2001
1968 [34] Toni Braxton, Severn MD, pop/R&B singer (“Unbreak My Heart”, “Breathe Again”) who’s expecting her 2nd child in SPRING 2003
1968 [34] Thom Yorke, Wellingborough ENG, rock singer/guitarist (Radiohead-”The Pyramid Song”, “Kid A”)/ranked #15 in “Rolling Stone” magazine’s ‘Top 50 Rock Bands of All Time’ FACTOID: Radiohead’s original name was On A Friday.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] “Universal Children’s Day”
[UN] “World Habitat Day”
[USA] “Child Health Day”
TODAY in LA jury selection for actress Winona Ryder’s shoplifting trial is scheduled to finally begin after her lawyers apparently have run out of stalling techniques. She’s accused of stealing more than $6,000 worth of designer goods by cutting off security tags at a Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills LAST DECEMBER. The trial should provide us with oodles of implausible excuses and dumb quotations before a plea bargain agreement is made whereby she gets off with a small fine and community service in return for the court hushing up the fact that she’s a long-time expert at finding ‘five-finger discounts’.
TODAY is “Try To Start An Argument Over Which Is the Best Muppet Day”. (Sponsored by the International Association of People Without a Life.)
For TONIGHT’S “Monday Night Football” game between Green Bay & Chicago, inventor David Bishop is hoping other fans of Da Bears will show up adorned in his new invention – ‘The Pizza Hat’, a Chicago-style pizza version of the Green Bay Packers’ ‘Cheesehead’. He’s only sold about a thousand, so he’s planning to hand them out free to tailgaters before the game.
Throughout THIS WEEK the winners of the “2002 Nobel Prizes” will be announced by Sweden’s Nobel Foundation. The prestigious prizes, established in the 1896 will of Swedish industrialist Alfred Nobel, are now worth over a million dollars each. The high-profile Nobel Peace Prize will be announced FRIDAY.
The Nobel Prize parody “12th First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Awards” have already been handed out by Harvard U’s science humor magazine “The Annals of Improbable Research”. These awards honor people whose achievements ‘cannot or should not be reproduced’, usually far-fetched ‘scientific studies’ that somehow received funding. This year’s winners include –
• Eduardo Segura of Tarragona, Spain for inventing a washing machine for cats and dogs.
• Chris McManus of University College London for his medical report ‘Scrotal Asymmetry in Man and in Ancient Sculpture’.
• Arnd Leike of the University of Munich for demonstrating the mathematical Law of Exponential Decay using – beer froth.
• Karl Kruszelnicki of the University of Sydney for performing a comprehensive survey of human belly button lint to determine who gets it, when, what color, and how much. One of his conclusions – your typical generator of bellybutton lint is a slightly overweight, middle-aged male with a hairy abdomen.
• Japan’s Kogure Veterinary Hospital, Takara Company and Japan Acoustic Lab for co-inventing ‘Bow-Lingual’, a computer-based automatic dog-to-human language translation device.
• Theo Gray of Wolfram Research in Champaign IL for gathering many elements of the periodic table and actually assembling them into a 4-legged ‘periodic-table table’.
• KP Sreekumar & G Nirmalan of Kerala Agricultural University in India for their analytical report ‘Estimation of the Total Surface Area on Indian Elephants’.
• The executives of Enron, Adelphia, Kmart, WorldCom, Arthur Andersen and companies with similar plights for adapting the mathematical concept of ‘imaginary numbers’ for use in the business world.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1828 [174] 1st ‘bathtub’ introduced, in England (the next day people started fretting over how to get rid of that damn ring)
1986 [16] 1st ‘Cabbage Patch Kids’ (which cause a holiday season frenzy but nowadays only cost a nickel at any garage sale)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1924 [78] 160 consecutive days of 100 degrees F or more begin at Marble Bar, Australia
1965 [37] World’s ‘longest hole-in-one’ as Robert Mitera aces 447-yard 10th hole at Miracle Hills Golf Course in Omaha NE
1984 [18] Walter Payton passes Jim Brown as NFL’s career rushing leader (to be eclipsed by Emmitt Smith midway through this season if he averages 75 yards per game)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] UN International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction
[Wed] International Alan Day
[Thurs] National Dessert Day
[Fri] National Coming Out Day
[Fri] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Sat] Farmers Day
[1 week today] Thanksgiving Day (no BS service)
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Fire Prevention Week
Credit Union Week
School Lunch Week
Pet Peeve Week
Squirrel Awareness Week
Adult Immunization Awareness Week
National Newspaper Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
CHEAPSKATE’S GUIDE TO STRETCHING A BUCK:
• Buy socks all the same color so when one gets lost or worn out you can still find a match.
• Don’t brush your teeth. Bad breath will keep people away, saving money on deodorant.
• Trade old clothes with a friend who wears the same size and you’ll get a whole new look – free!
• Keep a plastic squeeze bottle half-filled with water in the bathroom and fill it with those leftover little pieces of soap for a soap jelly that makes an efficient hand soap.
• Use the color comics as wrapping paper for children’s gifts.
• Use an old-fashioned clothespin as a ‘key’ for rolling up a tube of toothpaste and squeezing every last bit out of the tube.
• Save the little trinkets and prizes you get in cereal boxes or at fast-food restaurants for Christmas stocking-stuffers.
• Conserve water! When you shower, stack dirty dishes at your feet.
BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: Which was the 1st million-selling Compact Disc?
a) “Voodoo Lounge” by the Rolling Stones.
b) “Faith” by George Michael.
c) “Cleavage” by Mariah Carey.
A: “Faith” by George Michael.
Q: Which US state shares the longest border with Canada?
a) Washington
b) Montana
c) Alaska
A: Look north, not south – it’s Alaska!
Q: 86 years ago TODAY (1916), Georgia Tech beat Cumberland University 222-0. What game were they playing?
a) Football
b) Baseball
c) Basketball
A: Believe it or not – football. It eventually becomes known as the ‘Lopsided Bowl’.
Q: “Elvis 30 # 1 Hits” album shot straight to #1, marking another Presley milestone. What makes this collection of chart-topping hits unlike any other Elvis album?
a) It was released after his death.
b) It debuted at #1.
c) It includes a recipe for peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
A: It debuted at #1. Elvis ruled the charts back when 45-rpm singles were the major force in the music industry, not albums. This is the first time a Presley album opened in top spot.
Q: In golf, 1 under par is a ‘birdie’, 2 under par is an ‘eagle’, so what’s 3 under par called?
a) Condor
b) Albatross
c) Showing off
A: An albatross.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: By the time you are 50, if you’re not doing this chances are your spouse is.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Snoring.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
To get something done a committee should consist of no more than 3 people, 2 of whom are absent.
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
A big Bull-size welcome to our newest “BS” subscriber – program director Ron Hunter @ KQPR Albert Lea MN and to samplers this week that include news director Cheryl Mercer @ WABK Augusta ME, Michael Yung @ THE FOX Victorville CA, Neil Franklin @ FM 102.2 Lincoln UK, Dominick Famiano @ THE RIVER Council Bluffs IA, and Les Yaw @ KWGG Decorah IA. Remember, you can easily subscribe to “The Bull Sheet” by simply clicking on the link at the top of each issue.
