Monday, October 1, 2001 Edition: #2143
October Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue!
NEW BS BOY SCOUT MERIT BADGES:
• ‘Keeping Scoutmaster Al’s Big Secret’
• ‘Porn Website Design’
• ‘Snow Penmanship’
• ‘Fat Child Teasing’
BS JUICY TABLOID GOSSIP:
• Just call him ‘Mr J-Lo’. “NY Post” reports that Jennifer Lopez finally said ‘I do’ to her choreographer/boyfriend Cris Judd in a secret wedding ceremony SATURDAY at a secluded hilltop mansion in California’s Santa Monica Mountains. They’ll be honeymooning in Italy, where they’re due to stop in at a Versace fashion show in Milan. (The bride wore a Donatella Versace wedding dress — NOT the infamous green ‘scarf’.)
• “E! Online” says that for the first time in over 20 years, SUNDAY’S “Emmy Awards” will be held JOINTLY in NYC and LA. Why? A lot of show biz types are refusing to fly these days.
• “Woman’s Journal” has just named Catherine Zeta Jones Britain’s most glamorous woman over 30. (Age, bust or IQ?)
• “National Enquirer” says Paul McCartney’s “Concert for New York” is now scheduled for OCTOBER 20 at Madison Square Garden and the 4-hour event will feature Bon Jovi, the Goo Goo Dolls, The Who, James Taylor, Melissa Etheridge, Jim Carrey, John Cusack, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jerry Seinfeld. VH-1 will televise it live, AOL will have a live Webcast, and radio stations can hook up for a simulcast.
• Meantime, UK’s “Sun” reports Paul McCartney will play one of his smallest-ever gigs THURSDAY, reading his own poetry at London’s 600-seat Queen’s Theatre.
• “Star” says Sandra Bullock and Ashley Judd became such good friends while shooting their new flick “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”, that “Double Jeopardy” star Ashley has asked “Miss Congeniality” to be maid of honor when she ties the knot with her race-car driver fiancé Dario Franchitti.
• According to “Sun”, George Clooney has been offered a $6-million deal to return to “ER”, the hit hospital drama that made him a star. (Ain’t gonna happen. You do the math – 26 TV episodes = $6 mill. 1 movie = $20 mill.)
• And here’s our favorite headlines from the oh-so-trashy “Weekly World News” – “Gals With PMS Are Mentally Ill!”, “Talking On a Cell Phone Makes You a Better Driver!”, “Gal Fights Off Rapist With a Toothbrush!”, and “Man’s Head Explodes in Barber Chair!”.
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• Just 5% of couples have sex every day. (With each other.)
• 50% of men say they’re turned on by pregnant women. (But hardly any women like beer guts.)
• Almost a third of men and women say they’d sleep with their partner’s best friend. (Especially if his nickname is ‘Long John’.)
• 20% of women surveyed have had sex at work. (Did they poll porn actresses or what?)
• Almost two-thirds of men and women have had sex in a public place. (I got screwed at the tax office.)
• 9 out of 10 couples have had sex in their living room. (Only thing that could make it better — if it was during “Hockey Night in Canada”!)
• The average married couple has sex for only 6 minutes. (Well at least half of the couple does.)
HIGHWAY PIZZA PETS:
Fake ‘Roadkill Pets’ have hit the market. Choose from ‘Flat Cat’, ‘Dog Gone’, ‘Bunny Bump’, or ‘Strewn Raccoon’! (We’re old fashioned. For Christmas gifts, we’re making our own.)
90% of wives who suspect their husbands of cheating are CORRECT, according to “Complete Woman” magazine. (Wait a sec — don’t ALL wives suspect their husbands?)
‘COINCIDENCE’ ALSO HAS 11 LETTERS:
People who dabble in numerology have come up with the following ‘startling’ figures surrounding September 11 –
• 9/11. 9 + 1 + 1 = 11.
• September 11 was the 254th day of the year. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
• Following September 11, there are 111 days left in the year.
• The first plane to hit was Flight 11.
• New York was the 11th state admitted to the Union.
• ‘New York City’, ‘The Pentagon’ and ‘Afghanistan’ each contain 11 letters.
• There were 92 on Flight 11. 9 + 2 = 11.
• There were 56 on Flight 77. 5 + 6 = 11.
SO YOU’RE JUST ORDERING A SALAD, TUBBY?
The most popular salad in Canada is also the worst for you. “Self” magazine reports that the average Caesar salad contains 500 calories and 40 grams of fat. (Same as inhaling a Big Mac.)
THE ALIMONY’S KILLING ME:
A Brandeis University study concludes that to live a long life, you shouldn’t get divorced. Divorce shortens a person’s lifespan no matter whether they re-marry or not. (Can’t help to have someone out there praying every day that you die.)
THE BULL SHEET 10.01.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1924  Jimmy Carter, Plains GA, 39th US President 1977-81 (1st president born in a hospital, 1st president to report a UFO sighting)/leader of Habitat for Humanity
1930  Richard Harris, Limerick IRE, movie actor (“Gladiator”, “Patriot Games”) NEXT FILM: Plays ‘Headmaster Albus Dumbledore’ in “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”, coming NOVEMBER 16
1935  Julie Andrews (Wells), Walton-on-Thames ENG, Broadway actress (“Victor/Victoria”, “My Fair Lady”)/movie actress (“The Princess Diaries”, “Mary Poppins”, “The Sound of Music”) NOTE: Her 2000 malpractice suit against the 2 NYC Mount Sinai Hospital doctors who allegedly botched her throat surgery was reportedly settled for some $30 million
1950  Randy Quaid, Houston TX, movie actor (“Independence Day”, “Vacation” comedy series)/Dennis Quaid’s brother
1952  Vladimir Putin, St Petersburg RUS, President of Russia
1963  Mark McGwire, Pomona CA, MLB slugger (St Louis Cardinals) with season-record 70 HR (1998)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[China] “National Day” (1949)
TODAY is “World Vegetarian Day”, celebrated since 1977 to bring awareness to ‘the ethical, environmental, health and humanitarian benefits of a vegetarian lifestyle’. It’s estimated about 1 million people a year become vegetarians and every hour, 660,000 animals are killed for meat. A report by the World Cancer Research Fund argues that most cancer is preventable and suggests people eat a vegetable-rich diet that eliminates nearly all meat. (Whatever . . . when’s ‘World Carnivore Day’?)
TODAY is “United Nations Day of Older Persons.” The Governor General’s office sends out over 1,000 birthday greetings annually to Canadians celebrating birthdays of 100 or more years.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLDER WHEN . . .
• You’re asleep, but others worry you’re dead.
• You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
• People call at 9pm and ask, “Did I wake you up?”
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
For THIS WEEK’S “Cheesefest” in Powell, Wyoming artist Cosimo Cavallaro plans to coat an entire house with 5 tons of cheddar and Swiss cheese donated by a dairy company. His previous ‘works of art’ include a NYC hotel room coated with 1,000 lbs of cheese.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 27th Olympic Games close in Sydney
ALSO ON THIS DATE . . .
1993  Basketball superstar Shaquille O’Neal releases the rap recording “I Got Skillz” which includes the lyrics: “I’m big like gorilla, 6-7, large, I kick rhymes like moduck-kwong you, I smoke-smoke the mic-mic, I Cheech and Chong you, you don’t like Shaq, frankly I don’t give a damn, I know I got skills man, I know I got skills man” (obviously those ‘skillz’ don’t include poetry or singing)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1888  1st issue of “National Geographic” magazine (young boys take new interest in anthropology)
1903  1st MLB ‘World Series’ (Pittsburgh Nationals & Boston Americans)
1961  1st telecast by CTV network (back when Lloyd Robertson was only 72)
1971  Disney World 1st opens in Orlando FL
1982  EPCOT Center 1st opens in Orlando FL (stands for ‘Every Person Comes Out Tired’?)
1988  Canada’s 1st Olympic boxing gold in 56 years (Lennox Lewis-Seoul KOR)
AND REMEMBER . . .
National Pickled Pepper Week (Why this week? Peter Piper picked it!)
National Toilet Tank Repair Month (Any other month – let ‘er leak!)
BS OCTOBER PLANNING CALENDAR . . .
[Tues] Harvest Moon (“Oh shine on, shine on Harvest Moon against the sky . . .”)
[Tues] Custodial Workers Day (Don’t dare call ‘em ‘janitors’!)
[Tues] World Farm Animals Day (Valentines Day for my perverted Uncle Leroy)
[Tues] Name Your Car Day
[Wed] Virus Appreciation Day
[Thurs] National Golf Day
[Fri] National Storytelling Festival
[Sat] German-American Day
[Sat] Come and Take It Day
[Sat] Cal Ripkin Jr’s final game (Boston at Baltimore)
[Sun] Rescheduled Primetime Emmy Awards
[Oct 8] Canadian Thanksgiving Day
[Oct 8] Columbus Day
[Oct 10] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Oct 12] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Oct 14] Be Bald & Be Free Day
[Oct 14] National Dessert Day
[Oct 16] Dictionary Day
[Oct 16] National Bosses Day
[Oct 17] Gaudy Day
[Oct 18] No Beard Day
[Oct 19] Evaluate Your Life Day
[Oct 21] Babbling Day
[Oct 22] National Nut Day
[Oct 24] National Bologna Day
[Oct 24] United Nations Day
[Oct 25] Punk For A Day Day
[Oct 27] Cranky Co-Workers Day
[Oct 28] Daylight Saving time ends
[Oct 28] Plush Animal Lover’s Day
[Oct 28] National Chocolate Day
[Oct 29] Hermit Day
[Oct 31] National Magic Day
[Oct 31] Increase Your Psychic Powers Day
[Oct 31] Halloween
BULL’S BITS . . .
“Would you sacrifice a week’s vacation in order to pay someone to clean your house for a year?” (In a nationwide survey, only 21% say they would. 43% actually say they find cleaning ‘enjoyable’. Liars!)
Q: Which was the first country to use paper money?
(Source: “Trivia World”)
BS TAG LINE:
The best way to win an argument is to be right.
BS salutes these tasteful types who are now taking the Bull by the horns, or at least by e-mail — Andy Carlson @ CKYX Fort McMurray AB, Jeff Stone @ WRLU Sturgeon Bay WI, Kaan Taylaner @ Capital Radio in Ankara, Turkey, and we’re pleased to be ‘united’ with Manchester UK’s Rob Charles @ Century FM.