Wednesday, October 31, 2001 Edition: #2165
The Mayor of Prepville
WHY TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX:
• You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
• You can ‘do’ the whole neighborhood.
• The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
• If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.
• If you wear a mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.
• Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
• If you don’t get what you want, you can always try next door.
HALLOWEEN TRICKS FOR DUMMIES:
• Soaping your neighbor’s Windows XP.
• Tipping cows — more than 15%.
• EGGO-ing your neighbor’s car.
• Prank-calling a teenage girl and asking in a spooky voice, “Do you like light-hearted romantic movies?”
• Ring neighbor’s doorbell, light paper bag on fire, attempt to place dog doo in bag.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT’S scheduled Washington DC opener for Britney Spears’ North American tour has been postponed due to ‘production delays’ and she’ll now kick off the “Britney” tour TOMORROW in Columbus OH (another deep Britney quote: “When I say ‘hell’ and ‘damn’, I say it out of frustration in my songs. It’s not, like, a normal term of endearment that I use all the time.”) . . . What do retired shock rockers do? Alice Cooper is running a haunted house next to his downtown Phoenix restaurant ‘Alice Cooper’stown’ . . . TONIGHT CBS-TV airs an edited version of Paul McCartney’s recent “Concert for New York” to replace its just-cancelled new series “Wolf Lake” . . . TONIGHT FOX-TV is bringing back contestants from LAST YEAR’S “Temptation Island” for a special in which one of the couples gets married . . . Trash-talk show host Jerry Springer will join the Broadway cast of “The Rocky Horror Show” for one week in late November (should be an easy adjustment — he’s used to working with a stage full of freaks) . . . And word is Tom Cruise has asked Penelope Cruz to be his lawfully wedded wife (using the term loosely), she’s said ‘si’, and they hope to get hitched before the end of the year.
WHY THAT SONG’S DRIVING YOU CRAZY:
Why do some songs keep running over and over inside your head? According to a new study by University of Cincinnati marketing prof James Kellaris, there are 3 main reasons . . .
• Excessive Repetitiveness – most hits have hook lines that are repeated ad nauseam. (“Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof woof . . .”)
• Musical Simplicity – you can make a gold record using only 3 chords. (For evidence, check “BTO’s Greatest Hits”.)
• Incongruity — a beat or lyric that’s different from your expectations. (Like when you expect Britney to moan ‘ah, ah’ and instead she groans ‘ungh, ungh’.)
THE BRIDE WORE BLACK:
In the spirit of Halloween, a Nanaimo BC couple has been married in a funeral home, surrounded by friends dressed as vampires and devils. (You know, I got married surrounded by ghoulish creatures too — my in-laws.)
VIRTUAL VALET PARKING:
The first parking garage to use robots has opened in Edinburgh, Scotland. Just leave your vehicle at the entrance of the 600-car Autosafe parking facility and it is stacked vertically in a bay via robot. When you return, you simply sit in a waiting room while your vehicle is delivered, in a guaranteed time of less than 3 minutes. (The time it takes a robot to take your Bimmer out for a 100-mph joyride.)
JAPANESE CONVERTIBLE:
Isuzu’s new concept car, the ‘Zen’, can be turned into a Japanese tearoom. All its seats, the steering wheel and gearshift fold away, leaving a bamboo-floored open space. It was created for Japanese businesspeople as a place of contemplation between appointments. The vehicle’s designer says he was inspired by the Zen Buddhist principles of ‘harmony, respect, purity and tranquillity’. (Not to mention ‘stupidity’.)
SCIENTISTS SAY:
(A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’.)
• Scientists say . . . It’s a bad idea to give ice cream to a woman going through PMS. (You know what’s worse? Taking it away from her!)
• Scientists say . . . They have found the gene that causes sleeping. (It was at my house watching golf.)
• Scientists say . . . People who smoke cannabis seem to recover any short-term loss of brain function. (However, they never recover the hundreds of dollars they’ve spent on munchies.)
• Scientists say . . . Ultra-sound examinations of a fetus can lead to left-handedness. (But a related study shows that having a wife who’s pregnant can lead to use of the right hand.)
• Scientists say . . . Birds actually fly better after they’ve fattened up. (At least that’s what they’re telling all the Christmas turkeys this year.)
NEW-CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘CYA’ — An acronym for rule #1 in surviving job cuts and takeovers (or life) — ‘Cover Your Ass’. (“When you hand in that report, make sure you keep a copy to CYA.”)
• ‘Maal’ — The opposite of chic. Looking bad due to pathetic clothes or appearance. (“J-Lo is looking so maal in those skin-tight jeans.”)
• ‘Hammer of the Gods’ — The TV remote control, which can be shortened to ‘hammer’. (“Hit the hammer, Survivor: Africa sucks.”)
THE BULL SHEET 10.31.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [70] Dan Rather, Wharton TX, TV anchor (‘CBS Evening News” since 1981, “60 Minutes II”)
1950 [51] Jane Pauley, Indianapolis IN, TV anchor (“Dateline: NBC” since 1992)/Mrs Gary Trudeau (“Doonesbury”) since 1980
1961 [40] Larry Mullen Jr, Dublin IRE, rock drummer (U2-“Elevation”, “Beautiful Day”)
1963 [38] Rob Schneider, San Francisco CA, movie actor (“The Animal”, “Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo”)
1968 [33] Antonio Davis, Oakland CA, NBA player (Toronto Raptors)
1980 [21] Eddie Kaye Thomas, NYC, movie actor (“American Pie 1 & 2”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Halloween” in Canada, Britain and the USA. The observance originated with the Celtic Druids in the 5th Century BC. The Celts believed that on October 31st, all persons who’d died the previous year assembled to choose the body of a person or animal they would inhabit for the next 12 months. To frighten the roving spirits away, Celtic family members dressed as demons, hobgoblins and witches. In time, the celebration changed into a form of ritualized amusement. The fact it was a pagan ritual does not make it a ‘satanic’ ritual as religious fundamentalists would have you believe. In fact, November 1st became the Christian feast “All Saints Day” (aka “All Hallows”) and the previous night, “All Hallows Eve”, evolved into the name “Halloween”.
TODAY is “International UNICEF Day”, observed on October 31st since 1967, the reason many trick or treaters collect donations in UNICEF coin boxes.
TODAY is “National Magic Day,” traditionally a day for magicians to meet, celebrated on the anniversary of Harry Houdini’s death October 31st, 1926 — 75 years ago TODAY. Every year, spiritualists hold a seance on Halloween to try and contact the late magician. One medium, 81-year-old Sidney Radner, has organized Halloween seances for Houdini since the 1940s. So far, the line’s been busy!
TODAY is “Increase Your Psychic Powers Day”. Did you sense we were going to say that?
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 U2 releases album “All That You Can’t Leave Behind”
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
0834 [1167] 1st ‘All Hallows Eve’, established by Pope Gregory IV to honor saints
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1987 [14] ‘Longest singles tennis’ match lasts 80 hours, 21 minutes in Coventry ENG (“Geez, I can’t believe it’s deuce AGAIN!”)
1990 [11] ‘Largest jack-o-lantern’ carved from 816-lb pumpkin
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) / All Saint’s Day
[Fri] All Soul’s Day
[Sun] Emmy Awards
[Nov 7] 35th CMA Awards
National Magic Week
Seafood Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
HALLOWEEN TRUTH OR BS?
• About 10% of adults dress up for Halloween. (BS. A recent poll found about 3 in 10, almost a third, planned to get up a costume this year.)
• ‘Dracula’ means ‘rare meat’ in Romanian. (BS. It means ‘son of Dracul’. ‘Dracul’ in turn means ‘devil’.)
• Halloween is second only to Christmas for holiday spending. (TRUTH. Halloween generated $6 billion in consumer spending LAST YEAR.)
• The first jack-o-lanterns were carved from dried sheep dung. (BS. Jack-o-lanterns originated in Ireland and were first carved from turnips, rutabagas and potatoes.)
• Halloween is now the 3rd-biggest day of the year for booze consumption. (TRUTH. It follows New Year’s Eve and Super Bowl Sunday, but has moved ahead of St Patrick’s Day.)
• When you’re ‘bobbing for apples’, the apples float due to the worms inside. (BS. Fresh apples float because 25% of their volume is air.)
FIND YOUR FAIRY:
Here’s a Website where you plug in your name and it tells you who your very own ‘magic fairy’ is and all the qualities the little critter has. An invaluable service to provide your listeners!
NET: http://www.whiteelephant.ndo.co.uk/fairies
TOP 10 MOST-LIKELY-TO-DIE CELEBS:
1. Bob Hope
2. Pope John Paul II
3. Boris Yeltsin
4. Strom Thurmond
5. Milton Berle
6. Dick Cheney
7. Zsa Zsa Gabor
8. Phyllis Diller
9. Yogi Berra
10. Buddy Hackett
(Source: “Fade to Black Online Magazine”)
BS TAG LINE:
We learn from history that we don’t learn from history.
