October 25, 2001

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Thursday, October 25, 2001        Edition: #2161
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!

• Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr Jones, at your cervix.”
• On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
• Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
• In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
• Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!”
• On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
• On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
• At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
• In the driveway of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

It’s been revealed that acid-tongued “Weakest Link” host Anne Robinson has a team of comedy writers to come up with her famous put-downs, contrary to her claim they come off the top of her head (hey, no one can do that — except my mother-in-law) . . . There’s a new Website showing nude pics of Keith Richards (it’s called www.lose-your-appetite.com) . . . Mick Jagger says the Rolling Stones will most likely get back together for the band’s 40th anniversary NEXT YEAR (the reunion will include a pinochle tournament and quilting bee) . . . Barry Manilow is reportedly recovering from dental surgery (when asked about it, he said, “The worst part was having to sit in the dentist’s chair and listen to my crappy music”) . . . Brad Pitt says he keeps in touch with wife Jennifer Aniston by Webcam when he’s away (no word if they also ‘download’) . . . Ballantine Books has announced it WON’T be publishing Justin Timberlake’s book “Inside Drive” NEXT MONTH as planned (something to do with difficulties in printing crayon) . . . And E!’s new TV series “Rank” picks George Clooney as the #1 stud in its ranking of the ‘25 Sexiest Men in Entertainment’ (narrowly beating out Ellen DeGeneres).

Julia Roberts will next star in “Mona Lisa Smile”, playing a free-spirited graduate of Berkeley U who goes to Wellesley in 1953 to teach . . . Jeremy Irons has signed on to star in the title role in the upcoming Showtime movie tentatively titled “The F Scott Fitzgerald Project”, which follows the final months in the life of the famous author as told to his secretary Frances Kroll, to be played by Neve Campbell . . . Anthony Hopkins and Nicole Kidman will star in “The Human Stain”, a film about an aging classics professor who’s forced to retire when colleagues brand him a racist . . . “Titanic” star Leonardo DiCaprio will play Alexander the Great in the epic “Alexander” (let’s see, he hasn’t had a hit since, um “Titanic”) . . . Drew Barrymore has signed on to play the female lead in “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”, the pseudo-autobiography of game show host Chuck Barris, which will be George Clooney’s directorial debut.

Cornell University research shows it’s statistically true: Women DO take longer than men to go to the washroom. Average time for females is 79 seconds, while males average just 45 seconds. (Unless they wear pantyhose.)

• A survey in “Men’s Health” finds that 38% of men say they love their cars more than they love their women. (Well depends . . . what kind of car?)

• A new study finds that 42% of women have experienced sexual arousal when exercising. (The other 58% want to know, “What machine do you use?”)

Not having a job is more stressful than having one you hate according to a study in “Prevention” magazine. In fact, researchers found that unemployed men over 40 are twice as likely to die as those continuously employed. (No wonder Prince Charles looks so stressed.)

A Clairol survey finds that blondes are more flirtatious than redheads or brunettes. 84% of blondes consider themselves ‘flirts’, compared to 64% of redheads and just 53% of brunettes. (Those figures are a tad skewed, however, because 99% of blondes aren’t really blondes.)

A nationwide study shows Canadians are giving up on fad diets and focusing instead on long-term lifestyle changes. (“OK so I’m fat — we’ll move to a place without stairs.”)

• German farmers have come up with a creative method of scaring off a plague of wild boars that can’t be shot because they’re a protected species. After experimenting with music from several artists, they’ve found the best way to scare off the hogs is by playing Britney Spears tunes. (That’s odd, you’d think one pig would ATTRACT another.)
• A Russian spacecraft bound for the International Space Station will serve as the set for the first Japanese TV ad shot in space. Two Russian cosmonauts will film themselves drinking ‘Pocari Sweat’, a soft drink. (Ewww! Isn’t ‘Pocari’ a famous Sumo wrestler?)
• THIS WEEK the Suffolk police force in the UK began deploying its latest weapon in the fight against crime — fruit. Officers are handing out hundreds of apples, each bearing the force’s latest crime prevention slogan. (An apple a day keeps the burglars away.)
• Famously prudish Singapore now says it’s not only OK for citizens to have sex in cars, its encouraging the practice to help reverse declining birth rates. As many young couples live in the same apartments as their parents, it’s difficult for them to find the privacy they’d like. Under the headline “Let’s get on the love wagon”, a local newspaper notes, “You can make as much noise as you want and if your partner is too loud, you can always turn up the radio. You want to rise to the occasion and do your country proud!” (Adds whole new meaning to the term ‘backseat drivers’.)

You can guess someone’s age by their given name. For instance, 60 years ago Betty, Mildred and Bea were among the most popular names for girls. Today, three of the most popular are Madison, Taylor and Ashley. Amaze your audience by using a baby-name Website to guess listeners’ ages. (Try to avoid perennially popular names like John, Michael, Anne, etc.)
NET: http://www.adorablebabygifts.com/baby_names.htm
NET: http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/NOTES/note139/note139.html
NET: http://www.factmonster.com/spot/babynames1.html


1962 [39] Chad Smith, rock drummer (Red Hot Chili Peppers-“Californication”)

1964 [37] Michael Boatman, Colorado Springs CO, TV actor (Carter Sebastian Heywood-“Spin City”)

1970 [31] Ed Robertson, Scarborough ON, rock singer/guitarist (Barenaked Ladies-“Pinch Me”)

1970 [31] Chely Wright, Kansas City MO, country singer (“Single White Female”)

TODAY is “International Denim Day”, honoring one of the world’s most popular cloths. The word ‘denim’ traces back to France prior to the 17th century, from a fabric called ‘serge DE NIMes’.

TODAY is “St Crispin’s Day”, the patron saint of shoemakers and leather workers. (Wouldn’t that be ‘St Nike’?)

TODAY is “Cartoonists Against Crime Day”. (“OK varmint, on the count of 3 — draw!!!”)

TODAY is “International Greasy Foods Day”, a celebration of our love of fatty foods, foods cooked in oil, foods smothered in butter, etc. One of the grossest we’ve heard of is the Dutch tradition of saving bacon grease or ‘spek’, then spreading it cold on bread or toast. (Urgh, excuse me while I step outside a moment for some fresh air.)
SATURDAY the 20th annual “Great Arkansas Bean Fest & Championship Outhouse Race” gets the runs in Mountain View AR. What we wanna know is – was this combination some kind of fluke or what?
PHONER: 870-269-8068

1993 [08] Jean Chretien’s Liberals sweep to power, virtually wiping out PC party in general election

1955 [46] 1st home ‘microwave oven’ is introduced by the Tappan Co, which slaps a $1,200 price tag on the new appliance that cooks eggs in 22 secs, bacon in 90 secs (engineer Percy Spencer discovered microwave cooking 10 years earlier when he came too close to a magnetron tube and a chocolate bar in his pocket began to melt)

1960 [41] 1st ‘electronic wristwatch’ introduced by Bulova (before that, everyone had to wind their watch each day)

1971 [30] Roy Disney dedicates ‘Walt Disney World’ in Orlando FL

1982 [19] Canada’s national holiday officially changed from “Dominion Day” to “Canada Day”

1998 [03] Denver Bronco kicker Jason Elam boots 63-yard field goal in the thin air of Mile High Stadium, tying Tom Dempsey’s 28-year-old NFL record

[Sat] World Series begins (NY/AZ)
[Sun] Mother-In-Law Day
[Sun] Plush Animal Lover’s Day
[Sun] National Chocolate Day
National Cleaner Air Week
National Pasta Month
National Pizza Month


Q: What happens to a baseball 5 times before it is used in a World Series game?
a) It gets washed.
b) It gets autographed by each umpire.
c) It gets weighed.
A: Baseballs get weighed 5 times before they are used in ANY game.

Q: In 1910, a new and improved baseball was introduced to the World Series. What was different about it?
a) It was covered in leather.
b) It was cork-centered.
c) It no longer contained rocks.
A: It was cork-centered.

Q: Major League umpires rub up about 60 baseballs with special mud before each game. Which river does the mud come from?
a) The Mississippi.
b) The Chattahoochee.
c) The Delaware.
A: The Delaware River.

BS TAG LINE: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can.

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