Tuesday, October 23, 2001 Edition: #2159
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a support group.
Just in time for the World Series beginning Saturday, here’s some . . .
BS BASEBALL EUPHEMISMS FOR SCRATCHING YOUR CROTCH:
• Gland-handing.
• Adjusting your accoutrements.
• Nudging the nuggets.
• Pulling a Jacko.
• Having a staff meeting.
• Reallocating your assets.
• Scrotching.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The Dixie Chicks have made it into the “Guinness Book of World Records” for the ‘all-time best-selling country album by a group’, “Wide Open Spaces”, which has now surpassed the 11-million sales mark . . . “Frasier’s” Kelsey Grammer and wife Camille are expecting a baby any day now, to be hatched by a surrogate mother (however, in vitro fertilization guarantees the baby will be just like dad — bald) . . . Here’s a sneaky way to make money off a movie — charter members of the official “Lord of the Rings” fan club will get their names in the credits of all 3 films in the upcoming trilogy, but only if they’ve ponied up the $99.95 membership fee . . . A spokesman for celeb-owned Planet Hollywood says the chain’s latest filing for bankruptcy protection is due to financial difficulties resulting from the 9/11 attacks (oh, apparently it’s NOT because people are sick and tired of paying 13 bucks for a burger) . . . Fresh from her acting travesty in “Glitter”, Mariah Carey will do a guest shot on “Ally McBeal” in JANUARY (because this show really needs another shrill voice) . . . The Spice Girls are now officially history, a victim of constant squabbling (there IS justice in this world!) . . . And Lance Bass tells “Entertainment Weekly” he’s looking for an acting career because, quote, ‘N Sync can’t last forever (and there’s hope, too!).
TODAY’S DVD & VIDEO RELEASES:
“Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within”, a hi-tech animated sci-fi thriller based on the video game, featuring the voices of Ming-Na, Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames & James Woods . . . Eddie Murphy is back in the title role of the sequel comedy “Dr Dolittle 2″, in which he saves a forest and a bear’s life . . . And vintage films out in new DVD versions include Disney’s “Dumbo”, the Marlon Brando classic “On the Waterfront”, and a ‘Special Edition’ of “Monty Python & the Holy Grail”.
MORE 9/11 FALL-OUT:
• A new Ipsos-Reid poll finds that 1 in 4 Canadians report being ‘always or often stressed and overwhelmed’ since the 9/11 terrorist attacks. (Am I the only one who finds I’m ‘always or often NUMB from repetitive reporting of the same stories over and over and over?’)
• Here’s another way to put the anthrax threat into context. The “Boston Globe” reports influenza kills between 10,000 and 20,000 Americans PER YEAR. (So why aren’t people rushing out to stockpile flu vaccine?)
• In response to tighter airport security worldwide, a Japanese company is launching a ‘metal-free bra’. Seems the latest metal detection systems are so sensitive even a bra’s wire supports will set ‘em off. (Anna Nicole Smith could shut down an entire terminal.)
WHERE’S YOUR G-SPOT?
In a “Bride’s” magazine poll, one of the more unusual places newlyweds admitted they had bumped uglies was — on top of the washing machine. (Unfortunately, most husbands never make it to the spin cycle.)
THE NAKED TRUTH:
According to a researcher who spent 2 years working ‘undercover’ at a nudist resort, the same social distinctions and hang-ups exist in nudist camps that are found in the outside world. Ellen Woodall says she observed nudists forming cliques, gossiping, and making judgments about others’ physical appearance. (One major difference, in nudist camps it’s much more unpleasant to come across your neighbor tending a flower bed.)
EVIL BERT BUSTED:
Dutch police arrested actors dressed as “Sesame Street” characters ‘Bert’ and ‘Ernie’ while they were performing for hundreds of children. Authorities claim the pair had failed to obtain licensing rights to the characters and stopped them mid-show. (No word on whether the Dutch government will pick up the tab for the children’s therapy.)
SPACE CUDDLING:
The latest mission to the International Space Station has launched from Russia and the crew includes a French astronaut who has brought along her teddy bear. The crew will conduct several experiments while aboard the space station. (Including one to see how long it takes for an adult to crack from constant teasing about having a teddy bear.)
NEW DOPE ON DIETING:
• Dieting can make you forgetful! A study in “New Scientist” shows that constantly thinking about what you can and cannot eat causes so much stress, it reduces your memory. (The reason you always forget about the other 6 doughnuts you just ate.)
• The time of day you eat, how much you eat and how full you get are all genetically determined, according to a new Georgia State University study. Behavioral scientist John de Castro concludes that “changing these factors is equivalent to trying to change one’s breathing”. (So go ahead and have another Mars bar, porky.)
WORLD’S LEADING ECONOMIES IN 2001:
(based on growth)
5. Australia
4. Singapore
3. Canada
2. USA
1. Finland
(Source: World Economic Forum’s “Global Competitiveness Report”)
THE BULL SHEET 10.23.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [76] Johnny Carson, Corning IA, retired TV host (“The Tonight Show”, 1962-92)
1942 [59] Michael Crichton (CRY-ten), Chicago IL, top-selling novelist (“Jurassic Park”, “Rising Sun”)/screenwriter (“Twister”)/TV series creator & exec producer (“ER”)
1954 [47] Ang Lee, Pingtung TAIWAN, movie director/producer (“Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, “Sense & Sensibility”) NEXT FILM: Will write, produce, and direct “The Incredible Hulk”, due to hit theaters in 2003
1956 [45] Dwight Yoakam, Pikeville KY, country singer (“Fast As You”)/movie actor (“Sling Blade”) NEXT FILM: The Jodie Foster thriller “The Panic Room”, opening JANUARY 25
1959 [42] (Alfred Matthew) Weird Al Yankovic, Lynwood CA, parody singer (“Another One Rides The Bus”, “Amish Paradise”) NOTE: He’s lame and he’s corny but he’s had 4 gold and 4 platinum records in the US, 5 gold, 2 platinum and 1 double platinum in Canada!
1962 [39] Doug Flutie, Manchester MD, pint-sized pro football QB (his 4-2 San Diego Padres host his hapless former team Buffalo Bills SUNDAY)/3 Grey Cups & 6 CFL MVP Awards-Toronto Argos, Calgary Stampeders, BC Lions)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “TV Talk Show Host Day”, to celebrate those ‘gifted with the personality and intellect to enable them to bring out the best in their guests’. Based on that, which current TV host is best? And which should get canned?
TODAY is “Canning Day”, honoring the 1752 birth of French chef/chemist Nicolas Appert, who came up with the concept of sealing perishable food in jars. For this, he is known as ‘the father of canning’, but he also came up with many other inventions, including the bouillon cube.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1993 [08] Toronto Blue Jays win 2nd consecutive World Series, 4 games to 2 vs Philadelphia (Joe Carter becomes only the 2nd player to end a World Series with a home run)
2000 [01] David E Kelley drama “Boston Public” premieres on FOX-TV
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1814 [187] 1st ‘cosmetic surgery’ performed (430-lb Fatty McCormick has his stomach stapled – to his pants)
1930 [71] 1st ‘miniature golf tournament’, in Chattanooga TN (and the 1st golfer swears at a windmill)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] United Nations Day (isn’t that an oxymoron?)
[Wed] National Bologna Day (as usual, BS will be full of it)
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time ends (except in nonconformist Saskatchewan)
[Sun] National Chocolate Day (isn’t every day?)
National Hug-A-Vending Machine Week (wow, some people are really hard up) UNICEF Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORNING CREW CHALLENGE:
Get your show on the road by asking listeners to e-mail challenges to a team competition in any activity of their choice. Could be Scrabble, basketball, video games, hamburger-eating, you name it. Select a weekly challenge and show up with giveaways and refreshments (great opportunity for sponsor tie-ins). Throughout the ‘season’, keep track of your won/lost record.
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Which travels faster, a Diamondback rattlesnake striking its prey or a Randy Johnson fast ball?
A: Rattlesnakes strike at a speed of just 5.5 mph. A good fastball can reach 100 mph.
Q: Which lasts longer, a pen or a pencil?
A: Your average pencil can draw a line 34 miles long. A ballpoint pen lasts only about 2 miles.
Q: As far as numbers produced, what is the most popular car model of all time?
A: The Volkswagen ‘Beetle’. The Ford ‘Model T’ is 2nd.
Q: Which came first — Julia Roberts or the ‘Slinky’?
A: The ‘Slinky’ kids’ toy made its debut walking down a flight of stairs in 1945. Julia Roberts didn’t show up until 1967.
BS TAG LINE:
If there is a 50/50 chance, 95% of the time you will choose the wrong one.
