October 22, 2001

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Monday, October 22, 2001        Edition: #2158
More Bull, Less Anthrax

• As a science project, get the kids to glue them back on the trees.
• Press them in a book, then impress friends when you open it up and cover the carpet with crap.
• Leave them where they are. Call it ‘composting’.
• Crunch them up and convince your spouse it’s the latest high-fiber cereal.
• Be thankful for them, because you can’t see how badly your lawn needs mowing.

• According to the “New York Post”, Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson do not speak to one another, a feud that began when Jackson bought the publishing rights to The Beatles’ songs. McCartney says that even if reports of Jackson’s money problems are true he will not buy back the rights. “I wrote those songs for nothing and buying them back at these phenomenal sums . . . I just can’t do it,” he says.
• Meantime, “Star” claims Michael Jackson lined up that cameo appearance as an alien in the upcoming movie “Men in Black 2″ by refusing to turn over the master tapes of his upcoming album until Sony honchos agreed to put him in the film. (They shouldn’t have bothered. The album is reportedly a stinker.)
• “Variety” reports that Robert De Niro will get a career-high $20 million to reprise his role as an anxiety-ridden mobster treated by psychiatrist Billy Crystal in a sequel to the hit 1999 comedy “Analyze This”. Guess what it will be called – “Analyze That”.
• “E! Online” says a Christie’s auction TODAY to benefit a cancer charity will include a raft of items from celebs, including a black suit from Elton John, sunglasses worn by U2’s Bono in the “Elevation” video, and a T-shirt worn by Madonna during her “Drowned World Tour” (phew!).
• A vicious fight in which Nicole Kidman scratched and punched Tom Cruise was the last straw in their strained marriage, a source familiar with their divorce case tells “Star”. Seems the day before Cruise walked out on their 10-year union, an enraged Kidman purportedly attacked him so violently in their LA home that she nearly tore the shirt off his back. (She later got all of it in the divorce.)
• Producers of the upcoming ‘James Bond’ movie are denying a report in London’s “Express” that claims tennis babe Anna Kournikova will be a ‘Bond girl’ in the next 007 flick. They also won’t say if the 20th Bond film will be titled “Beyond the Ice” as rumored. They do confirm, however, that shooting is scheduled to begin in JANUARY and Pierce Brosnan will be back on board as ‘007′, with John Cleese as ‘R’ and Judi Dench as ‘M’.
• And “Entertainment Weekly” reports ABC-TV has shelved the Ben Affleck/Matt Damon-produced reality series called “The Runner” for now. The show would have challenged contestants to track down a fugitive on the run. (It would have been redundant anyway. We already have an on-going ‘reality show’ about a manhunt in Afghanistan.)

THIS WEEK’S “Tokyo Motor Show” features a hi-tech new concept car developed by Toyota that’s simply called ‘The Pod’. It’s the first vehicle that shows emotion – lighting up a happy orange-yellow when its owner approaches, turning blue if it runs out of fuel, and red when driving becomes erratic. When it senses the driver is stressed by measuring acceleration, pulse and perspiration, it not only issues a warning, it attempts to restore calm by playing relaxing music and blowing cool air. (Great, they’ve invented the virtual back-seat driver.)

According to “New Body” magazine, a happily married woman will gain an average of 18 lbs in the first year of marriage, while a woman in an unhappy marriage will gain an average of 43 lbs! (An indication your new bride may be headed for the heavy zone is if she’s diving for the rice on the way out of the church.)

The first man to undergo a sex-change operation in Romania wants to swap back again. Sorina Ratiu became a ‘she’ in 1996 but says she’s not happy with the result and wants to be a man again because her sex organs don’t work properly. Not only did her boyfriend dump her, she has not lost her body hair (ewww!). Unfortunately, doctors say the surgery is irreversible. (Figures — once they become a woman, they start changing their mind.)

• An exhibition about the human body at Chicago’s Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum aims to help children learn by hearing and smelling a variety of bodily functions. Its highlights include a huge sneezing nose, a vomit machine and a — fart pinball game. The ‘Grossology’ exhibition is based on a series of books by Sylvia Branzei, whose idea is to teach students using their own words. (We’re progressive – we teach this stuff at home.)
• The journal “Chemistry” reports that an earth-shaking new study has been completed — on what makes beer go ‘skunky’. Seems the offensive flavor and smell is caused by the breakdown of certain elements in hops which produce a chemical that is, in fact, related to the funky ones in skunk glands. This process is caused by light, and that’s the main reason beer is traditionally stored in brown or green bottles. (Personally, I’ve never had a beer last long enough to go skunky.)
• Scientists at the University of Akron believe that the reason men fight is because of the way their brain chemistry is affected by their genes. (Either that or the way their brain chemistry is
affected by 7 or 8 beers.)

The average human has 7 sex fantasies a day.


1938 [63] Christopher Lloyd, Stamford CT, movie actor (“My Favorite Martian”, ‘Back to the Future I-III”, “Addams Family I & II”)

1952 [49] Jeff Goldblum, Pittsburgh PA, film actor (“Cats & Dogs”, “Independence Day”, “Jurassic Park I & II”)

1968 [33] Shaggy (Orville Richard Burrell), Kingston JAM, hip hop artist (“Angel”, “It Wasn’t Me”)/Gulf War vet

TODAY in Vatican City is “Holy See Day”, the tiny country’s national day. (When the pope takes a day off and lounges around in his jeans and a T-shirt, suckin’ back brewskies.)

TODAY is the anniversary of “World’s End Day”. In 1844, religious zealot William Miller, who created the ‘Millerism’ movement, predicted the world would come to an end on this day and convinced thousands who sold all their possessions and moved to higher ground. With the war on terrorism underway, dire predictions of the end of the world are likely to escalate again.

TODAY is “National Nut Day”. Ask anyone to name a nut and most will start their list with ‘peanut’, which isn’t a nut at all — it’s a legume. Definition of a nut– “A hard, dry, indehiscent fruit formed from two or more carpels but containing only one seed.” Alrighty then.

1999 [02] “Made In Canada”, an exhibit of photographs by rocker-turned lensman Bryan Adams, debuts at Toronto’s Royal Ontario Museum

2000 [01] NY Yankee pitcher Roger Clemens throws bat at NY Mets’ Mike Piazza in Game 2 of 1st ‘Subway Series’ in 44 years

1897 [104] 1st ‘used car dealership’ opens, in London ENG (and the 1st tires are kicked)

1938 [63] 1st ‘photocopy machine’ (and the 1st photocopy of an employee’s butt is found on the boss’ desk)

1939 [62] 1st ‘televised pro football game’ features Brooklyn Dodgers beating Philadelphia Eagles 23-14 (picked up by a total of 500 TV sets)

2000 [01] 1st segment of CBC-TV’s massive 16-part, 30-hour, $25-million documentary series “Canada: A People’s History” airs (subtitled “ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”)

1995 [06] Largest gathering of world leaders in history marks 50th anniversary of United Nations in NYC

2000 [01] Cincinnati Bengals’ Corey Dillon rushes NFL single-game record 278 yards vs Denver Broncos

[Tues] National Mole Day
[Wed] United Nations Day
[Sat] Cranky Co-workers Day
[Sun] Mother-In-Law Day
[Sun] Daylight Savings time ends
Massage Therapists Week (don’t forget your ‘rubbers’!)
National Pork Month (honoring politicians everywhere)


Here’s a list of ‘B-movie’ titles, some that actually got made. Ask a contestant to try to decide if each is real or fake.
• “Attack of the Killer Refrigerator” (real)
• “Amazon Girls in New York”
• “Godzilla vs the Used Car Salesman”
• “Microwave Massacre” (real)
• “Attack of the Ten-Foot Safety Pin”
• “The Spy Who Ate Me”
• “Skeeter” (real)
• “Revenge of the Mutant Juggler”

Q: You’re visiting a local park when you come upon a memorial statue of a soldier riding a horse which has one hoof in the air. What does that signify?
A: Traditionally, one hoof in the air indicates the rider died of wounds sustained in battle. If 2 hooves are raised, it means the rider was killed on the field of battle. (If all 4 are in the air, it signifies you should call the “Guinness Records” people immediately!)

An 80-year-old lady had her 10-inch knitting needles taken away from her by airport security. They were afraid that she’d knit an Afghan.

This week we have these BS samplers: Matt Ryan @ WAZY Lafayette IN, Corey Horob in Champaign IL, Denis Lynch @ WZNJ Demopolis AL, and Mark Arnold @ 92.2XS Palmerston North, New Zealand. You can subscribe simply by clicking the link at the top of the page.

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