Tuesday, October 9, 2001 Edition: #2149
Afghani bingo — B-52 . . . F-16 . . . B-2 . . .
UNUSUAL THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS AT OUR HOUSE:
• Bobbing for giblets.
• Main course — Kraft Dinner & gravy.
• The create Angelina Jolie mashed potato sculpting contest.
• After-dinner game of road hockey with grandpa’s teeth.
• No dessert until you finish last year’s leftovers!
• The post-dinner methane Olympics.
ACTUAL SUBTITLES USED IN FILMS MADE IN HONG KONG:
“I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.”
“Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.”
“Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants!”
“Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?”
“Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.”
“I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!”
“You daring lousy guy!”
“Beat him out of recognizable shape!”
“Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.”
“I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Mary Hart has signed a new $25-million-plus deal to remain co-host of “Entertainment Tonight” for 5 more years (that would extend her stint to 24 YEARS — she started in 1982!) . . . Has-been ‘Batman’ Val Kilmer says he’s having a ‘huge romance’ with has-been “Splash” star Daryl Hannah (it’ll never last — soon they’ll be arguing, “I was once bigger than you were!”) . . . Madonna’s new greatest hits CD, due NOVEMBER 12, will be called “Madonna – GHV2″ (Greatest Hits Volume 2) and will include 15 tracks from the past 3 years . . . Despite reports of lousy ticket sales, Michael Jackson’s 2 Madison Square Garden ‘anniversary celebration’ concerts LAST MONTH grossed over $10 million (or 3 new noses).
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Renée Zellweger has the title role as the angst-ridden ‘singleton’ in the romantic comedy “Bridget Jones’s Diary” . . . Liv Tyler reeks havoc on the lives of Matt Dillon, Paul Reiser, John Goodman and Michael Douglas in the crime comedy “One Night at McCool’s” . . . And we get new ‘Special Edition’ packaging of “The Godfather Collection” (5 discs) and “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: Platinum Edition”.
HANG UP AND DRIVE, IDIOT!
In a new a Leger Marketing poll, a whopping 80.8% of Canadian respondents say it should be illegal to talk on a cell phone while driving unless a hands-free phone is used. (But is it holding the phone or the yakking that’s a distraction?)
NEW POST HORNY-‘O’S:
A new psychology study suggests that breakfast cereal in the shape of ‘O’s can cause arousal in men. (Men are also aroused by cereal in the shape of pillows, or pellets, or gruel, or . . .)
THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER:
Psychologists Jo-Anne Bachorowski of Vanderbilt University and Michael Owren of Cornell U are studying the acoustics of laughter and have discovered that it’s made up of a variety of sounds, from ‘grunts’ to ‘whistles’. Men are more likely to ‘snort’ when laughing while women ‘sing’ (starting high and running down the scale). The study also suggests most laughter is made up of ‘huh huh’ sounds, not ‘tee-hee’, ‘ha-ha’ or ‘ho-ho’. (It’s gonna be a weird holiday season at the mall – ”Huh huh huh, Merry Christmas!”)
MEN BEAR THE BRUNT:
25 years ago both men and women rated a joke funnier when a female was the butt of it. But research published in “Psychology Today” says that’s no longer true. So has equality arrived? Not really, things have gone the other way — nowadays women find jokes about women less funny than jokes about men. (Men are like government bonds – they take way too long to mature. Men are like mascara – they run at the first sign of emotion.)
STAND-UP ON STANDBY:
In the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, UK airline EasyJet has hired a comedian to help passengers relax. Irish comic John Linehan tells jokes and even dresses up as a woman on the 40-minute flight from Glasgow, Scotland to Belfast, Northern Ireland. (“OK, so these 3 IRA blokes walk into a bar and . . .”)
CRACKING YOURSELF UP:
A new University of Maryland study finds we tend to laugh at our own jokes up to 50% more than at other people’s. The study also shows the majority of those giggling over their own gags are men — hoping to impress women. (Yeah, the old pull-my-finger bit gets ‘em every time.)
SAVE MONEY BY CAR POOLING:
In a bid to move its red light district away from tourist areas, the city of Cologne, Germany has set up ‘drive-in brothels’. (For the time it takes most men, you could have ‘drive-thru’ brothels.)
NO TONGUE HOCKEY?
A new study suggests that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation may not be necessary during CPR and it might be better to skip right to chest compressions. (However, you’re still required to snuggle for a half-hour afterwards.)
NEW-CENTURY TERMS:
• ‘Props’ — Respect or recognition. (“The marriage won’t last, but you gotta give J-Lo props for staying in the limelight.”)
• ‘Off the Hinges’ — Something great or outstanding. (“Too bad if you missed it, because yesterday’s show was right off the hinges!”)
• ‘Pull a Mabel’ — To do something stupid or ridiculous. (“Zeke pulled a mabel and dropped our whole breakfast pizza on the floor.”)
• ‘Rank’ — To nag or bitch. (“My girlfriend’s been ranking on me to buy her a rock.”)
THE BULL SHEET 10.09.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1923 [78] Fyvush Finkel, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (Harvey Lipschultz-“Boston Public”, Emmy Award-“Picket Fences”)
1938 [63] Russell Myers, Pittsburg KS, comic strip cartoonist (“Broom Hilda”)
1940 [D-1980] John Lennon, Liverpool ENG, legendary rock star (“Imagine”)
1948 [53] Jackson Browne, Heidelberg GER, classic rock musician (“Running On Empty”, “Stay”)
1954 [47] Scott Bakula, St Louis MO, TV actor (Captain Jonathan Archer-“Star Trek: Enterprise”)
1975 [26] Sean Ono Lennon, NYC, son of John & Yoko/aspiring musician
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] “World Post Day”
TODAY is “Leif Erikson Day” in Norway and Iceland, commemorating the Viking explorer’s discovery of North America (‘Vinland’) in 1000 AD — almost 500 years BEFORE Columbus!
TODAY is “International Alan Day”, celebrating anyone with the name ‘Alan’, ‘Allan’, or ‘Allen’. (Or ‘Bob’.)
TODAY is “Hispanic Heritage Day”. According to the US Census Bureau, more than 26 million people in America are of Hispanic origin.
THIS WEEK is “National Pet Peeve Week”, a good time to vent some of yours and let listeners air out theirs.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1701 [300] Yale University founded
1872 [129] 1st ‘mail order catalog’ (1 page, published by Aaron Montgomery)
1946 [55] 1st ‘electric blanket’ (Simmons Co charges $39.50)
1986 [15] FOX TV network debuts (“The Late Show”, starring Joan Rivers)
1986 [15] Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Phantom of the Opera” premieres (London ENG)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1960 [41] Dallas Cowboy QB Eddie LeBaron throws NFL’s ‘shortest touchdown pass’ — 2 inches
1996 [05] World’s ‘largest grilled cheese sandwich’ (a 3,000-lb monster made by Kraft Foods)
2000 [01] Brett Hull (Dallas Stars) scores his 611th NHL goal, passing his father Bobby Hull
on the all-time scoring list to take over number 9
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Fri] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Sun] Be Bald and Free Day
National Bookkeeper’s Week
Fire Prevention Week
National Sarcasm Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONER:
Dr Peter Barss of McGill University in Montréal has just won the dubious honor of a 2001 ‘Ig-Nobel Prize’, bestowed each year by actual Nobel Prize winners for work that ‘cannot or should not be reproduced’. His award in the field of medicine was for his impactful medical report “Injuries Due to Falling Coconuts”. Is this a major world problem? And more importantly – did he get a government grant for this study?
PHONER: 514-398-4455 (Epidemiology & Biostatistics)
FACT OR BS?
Two of the following are FACTS, the other pure BS. But which one?
GAME #1
• The shell constitutes 12% of the average egg’s weight.
• London is the city with the most Roll Royces per capita. (BS. It’s Hong Kong.)
• A standard grave is 7′-8″ x 3′-2″ x 6′.
GAME #2
• ‘Mayday’, the international distress signal for ships and aircraft, originated due to the sinking of the ‘Lusitania’ on May the 1st. (BS. It comes from the French ‘m’aidez’, meaning ‘help me’.)
• Most toilets flush in the key of E-flat.
• The first power tool was invented by a woman. (In the early 19th century, Tabitha Babbitt, a Shaker, came up with the idea for a circular saw, powered first by hand cranks and then by a water wheel.)
GAME #3
• The frankfurter originated in China.
• Playing cards were first made in China.
• The automobile engine was first developed in China. (BS)
BS TAG LINE:
All generalizations are bad.
Any business relationship which starts with the words, “Pssst! Hey, buddy!” is unlikely to prosper.
