Monday, October 8, 2001 Edition: #2148
BS: The Most Home Runs in Show Prep!
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Is it coincidence that high-priced bottled water ‘Evian’ spelled backwards is ‘naive’?
• Isn’t creating a ‘smoking section’ in a restaurant like making a ‘peeing section’ in a swimming pool?
• Why is it people who want to share their religious views with you never want you to share yours with them?
• Why is it if the shoe fits . . . it’s usually ugly?
• They warn you about everything else, so how come moms never warn you about whizzing on the electric fence?
• If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the ‘Jags’, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers the ‘Bucs’, and the New England Patriots the ‘Pats’, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
• If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that the 5th one enjoys it?
BS JUICY TABLOID TRASH:
• TONIGHT the benefit show “Stand Up for New York” at Carnegie Hall will feature a slew of stand-up comedians. “E! Online” reports Chris Rock has now signed on to join host Jerry Seinfeld and comedians Bill Cosby, Colin Quinn, Will Ferrell, Alan King and George Wallace. Proceeds will benefit the Twin Towers Fund and the NY Police and Fire Widows’ and Children’s Benefit Fund. (Is it OK to laugh yet? Alright, how do you play Afghani bingo? [B-52 . . . F-16 . . . A-10]. And what’s the best job in Afghanistan? [Foreign Ambassador].)
• Contrary to current show biz thinking, “NY Post” reports director Oliver Stone wants to make a movie about terrorism and how it works, but producers predict Hollywood is going to resist bankrolling ‘hard-edge’ films for the foreseeable future. (Besides, how are you going to work the ‘grassy knoll’ into a terrorism story?)
• “Star” reports Kristin Davis’ married character ‘Charlotte’ on “Sex and the City” will be seduced this season by a suave dentist played by her real-life boyfriend, Alec Baldwin. (Hey, it’s on HBO – we might actually get to see him ‘fill her cavity’.)
• “National Enquirer” says no one’s being blamed for actress Minnie Driver and boyfriend Josh Brolin calling it quits just before a star-studded wedding ceremony planned by Josh’s step-mom, Barbra Streisand. (But think about it – control freak Barbra Streisand as your mother-in-law? Hasta la vista, baby!)
• According to “Star”, actor Tobey Maguire, soon to hit the bigscreen in “Spider-Man”, was out ogling strippers during a recent boys’ night out in Hollywood when his cell phone suddenly rang. It was girlfriend Kirsten Dunst who strongly suggested he leave the joint at once. After making an awkward excuse to his buddies, this ‘action hero’ scurried out like a spider! (Not even married yet and already he’s Kirsten-whipped.)
• “E! Online” reports a former girlfriend of Stevie Wonder is filing a $30-million lawsuit against him, claiming he breached a promise to support her for life and that he infected her with herpes. (Wonder denies the allegations saying, “I’ve never even seen this woman!”)
• Sylvester Stallone tells “Hollywood Reporter” he wants to star in his next movie by himself, write it by himself, direct it by himself and produce it by himself. (The way his career’s going, odds are he’ll also be watching it by himself.)
• And here’s a couple of our fave headlines from “Weekly World News” – “Scientists Confirm Human Soul Lives Forever and the Mind Never Dies!” and “Talking Coconut from Brazil Answers Every Question!”
THE IGGYS:
The 2001 “Ig-Nobel Prizes” are bestowed each year by actual Nobel Prize winners, granted for work that ‘cannot or should not be reproduced’. This year’s winners . . .
MEDICINE: Peter Barss of McGill University, for his impactful medical report “Injuries Due to Falling Coconuts.”
PHYSICS: David Schmidt of the University of Massachusetts for his partial solution to the question of why shower curtains billow inwards.
BIOLOGY: Buck Weimer of Pueblo, Colorado for inventing ‘Under-Ease’, airtight underwear with a replaceable charcoal filter that removes bad-smelling gases before they escape.
ECONOMICS: Joel Slemrod of the University of Michigan Business School, and Wojciech Kopczuk of University of British Columbia, for their conclusion that people find a way to postpone their deaths if that would qualify them for a lower rate on the inheritance tax.
LITERATURE: John Richards of Boston, England, founder of ‘The Apostrophe Protection Society’, for his efforts to protect, promote, and defend the differences between plural and possessive.
PSYCHOLOGY: Lawrence W Sherman of Miami University of Ohio, for his influential research report ‘An Ecological Study of Glee in Small Groups of Preschool Children’.
ASTROPHYSICS: Dr Jack and Rexella Van Impe for their discovery that black holes fulfill all the technical requirements to be the location of Hell.
PEACE: Viliumas Malinauskus of Grutas, Lithuania, for creating the amusement park known as ‘Stalin World’.
TECHNOLOGY: Awarded jointly to John Keogh of Hawthorn, Australia, for patenting the wheel in the year 2001, and to the Australian Patent Office for actually granting him Innovation Patent #2001100012.
PUBLIC HEALTH: Chittaranjan Andrade and BS Srihari of the National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences, Bangalore, India, for their probing medical discovery that nose-picking is a common activity among adolescents.
HEAD BANGERS:
Did you know that Americans use over 16,000 tons of aspirin per year? That’s understandable when you take into account the National Headache Foundation has now categorized 179 different types of headaches. (Actually there’s 180, if you include the ‘Not tonight, dear, I have a headache’ headache.)
HEAD BANGERS II:
German neurologist Stefan Evers says people who rush sex are most likely to suffer serious head pains at orgasm. The syndrome, which causes an explosion-like pain during orgasm, may be linked to migraine. Most sufferers are between 25 and 50, and men are up to 4 times more likely to be affected than women. So what to do? Evers’ research suggests allowing sexual tension to build slowly and total avoidance of ‘quickies’. (Great, now how are we gonna kill time while the hourly news is on?)
MOM WAS RIGHT:
Carrots really are good for your eyes. “Men’s Health” magazine reports that people whose diets include lots of carrots are 40% less likely to develop cataracts later in life. (But more likely to have really, really big ears.)
SENIOR GAMES:
A study in “Longevity” magazine says you actually get BETTER at some sports as you age. For instance, golf, skiing and cycling often improve with age and experience.
OTHER GAMES WE GET BETTER AT:
• Sag, you’re it!
• Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
• 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
• Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
• Simon says something incoherent.
• Hide and go pee.
• Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
• Musical recliners.
• Kick the bucket.
THE BULL SHEET 10.08.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [62] Paul Hogan, Lightning Ridge AUS, actor (“Crocodile Dundee 1-3″)
1941 [60] Rev Jesse Jackson, Greenville SC, civil rights leader/politician/ladies’ man
1943 [58] Chevy Chase (Cornelius Crane), NYC, film actor (“Vacation I-IV”, “Caddyshack”)
1943 [58] RL Stine, Columbus OH, scary children’s author (“Goosebumps” series)
1949 [52] Sigourney Weaver, NYC, movie actress (“Alien” series, “Ghostbusters”)
1970 [31] Matt Damon, Cambridge MA, film actor (“The Talented Mr Ripley”, “Good Will Hunting”, “Saving Private Ryan”) NEXT FILM: The heist caper “Ocean’s Eleven”, co-starring George Clooney and Julia Roberts.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Canada] “Thanksgiving Day” (used to be same date as US, then moved ahead to reflect earlier harvest season)
[US] “Fire Prevention Day”
TODAY is “Columbus Day” in America, a lame excuse for a holiday if there ever was one. It commemorates Christopher Columbus’ October 12th, 1492 ‘discovery of the New World’ which had already been discovered by Vikings, Siberians, Natives, Aztecs and many others centuries before. Even lamer, when Columbus first spied land on the horizon after crossing the Atlantic, he thought he was looking at Japan, but in fact was off the coast of the Bahamas. It’s a holiday in DC and for all federal employees, observed on the 2nd Monday in October since 1971. The odds of you having a holiday today seem to increase the closer you live to the Eastern Seaboard. We think all Americans should get the day off!
TOMORROW is “Leif Erikson Day” in Norway and Iceland, commemorating the Viking explorer’s discovery of North America (‘Vinland’) in 1000 AD — almost 500 years BEFORE Columbus! (So forget “Columbus Day”, celebrate “Leif Day”!)
TODAY is the UN’s “International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction”. Disasters affect about 300 million people each year. (What the heck do we do to ‘reduce’ volcanos, hurricanes and earthquakes?)
THIS WEEK is “National Metric Week”, promoting American conversion to the system that has become the standard in the rest of the world. Ask why the concept isn’t very popular in the US.
PHONER: 703-620-9840 (National Council of Mathematics Teachers -Reston VA)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1896 [105] 1st ‘Dow Jones average’ reported (“And the Dow was up today to . . . 2”)
1906 [95] 1st ‘permanent wave’ or ‘perm’ for hair (Karl Nessler-London ENG)
1952 [49] “The Complete Book of Etiquette” is 1st published (“Get your elbows off the table!”)
1956 [45] 1st ‘shopping mall’ opens, in Edina MN (because local teen girls needed a place to hang out)
1967 [34] 1st ‘Breathalyzer’ test for alcohol consumption used on speeding motorist (and 1st driver explains, “Hones’ occifer, I ony had one!”)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1956 [45] Only ‘perfect game’ ever pitched in World Series (NY Yankee Don Larsen vs Brooklyn)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Fri] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Oct 16] National Bosses Day
[Oct 28] Daylight Savings time ends
American Beer Week (I’ll drink to that!)
Gourmet Adventures Month (every time I cook, it’s an adventure)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BRITISH TO AMERICAN DICTIONARY:
Have contestant try to come up with the translation . . .
• waistcoat . . . vest
• vest . . . undershirt
• rubber . . . eraser
• knock you up . . . wake you up
• pantechnicon . . . moving van
• fresher . . . freshman
• dual carriageway . . . divided highway
• caravan . . . house trailer
• crisps . . . potato chips
• chemist . . . pharmacist
(Source: Princess Cruises)
BS RELIGIOUS TRUTHS:
• Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
• Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
• Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
BS TAG LINE:
Say nothing and they think you’re stupid. Talk and they know for sure.
HOWDY!
This week these samplers are loading up the “Bull” – Shaffee Jones @ WJXQ Holt MI, Dan Christopherson @ THE HOG in Sioux Falls SD, Russ McLamb @ WZSN Greenwood SC, Chris Jarman @ WEGR Memphis TN, Jonathon Wilson @ K-ROCK Edmonton CAN, and Brad Dryden @ THE BEAR in Ottawa CAN. Welcome aboard! Remember, you can subscribe simply by clicking the link at the top of the page.
