Oct 18, 2000 From High Atop Mount BS Edition: #1913
BS GUIDE TO SINGING THE BLUES:
• WHEN: Most blues begin “woke up this morning”. “Round about midnight” is also acceptable. You cannot have the blues during lunch.
• WHO: You have the right to sing the blues if you’re blind, if you shot a man in Memphis, if you just can’t be satisfied, or if your name is ‘Big Mama’ or ‘Little Willie’. You do not have the right to sing the blues if you’re deaf, if you have a trust fund, or if your name is ‘Gavin’ — no matter how many men you shoot in Memphis.
• WHERE: Good places for the blues include the highway or the jailhouse. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall — the lighting is wrong.
• WHAT: “Walkin” plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does “fixin’ to die”.
• VEHICLES: Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation includes a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. You can’t have the blues in an SUV.
• BEVERAGES: Blues drinks include wine, whiskey and muddy water. Non-blues drinks include any mixed drink, tea, or Snapple.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word is former “10″ actress Bo Derek is launching her own line of cosmetics — FOR PETS – to be called ‘Bless the Beast’ (featuring ‘slobber-proof lip gloss‘) . . . Oprah Winfrey reportedly blew $320,000 on a new Bentley which she never even uses (just like Stedman Graham) . . . Mr Barbra Streisand, James Brolin, has apparently told Babs to knock off the diets, saying he likes her just the way she is, 20 lbs heavier since they wed (can they do liposuction on your ego?) . . . Busy “Touched By An Angel” actress Della Reese‘s 21-year hubby Franklin Lett is filing for divorce because she apparently just doesn’t have time for him anymore, the last straw coming when she forgot to pick him up at the airport! . . . And in case you really care, wags are gossiping that Anne Heche not only left Ellen DeGeneres for a man — reportedly movie cameraman Coley Laffoon – but she’s PREGGERS!
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• A big enough bribe can get you just about anything in Moscow these days. For instance — avoiding the military draft ($5000), permission to install a flashing police light on your private car ($1500), obtaining a driver’s license without a test ($400), and for 100 grand, they say you can have a major criminal investigation stopped. (We have the same system here – it’s called campaign contributions.)
• Teenagers in Bolivia have adopted a strange new fad — wearing LIVE snakes around their necks and waists. The colorful, non-venomous, garden variety reptiles are attached with special gold chains. The more they wiggle and writhe. the better! (I tuck mine into my left sock.)
• Saddam Hussein reportedly has an outrageous plan to create clones of ‘the ideal Iraqi man’ — himself. Reports say he’s given a team of scientists until the end of next year to come up with ‘Saddam, version 2′. (They’re also working on a new nerve gas with a fresh pine scent!)
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Wombat’ . . . A new acronym for any project that’s a ‘waste of money, brains and time’.
• ‘Polygrouch’ . . . A boss or co-worker who’s negative about EVERYthing (aka ‘jeerleader’).
THE BULL SHEET 10.18.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1919 [D-2000] Pierre Elliot Trudeau, Montreal PQ, 15th Canadian PM (’68-79, ’80-84)/briefly namesake of Canada’s highest mountain/why not make TODAY a holiday?
1926 [74] Chuck Berry, St Louis MO, rock ‘n roll pioneer (“Roll Over Beethoven”, his biggest hit? – the novelty song “My Ding-A-Ling”)
1933 [67] Peter Boyle, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (Frank Barone-“Everybody Loves Raymond”)
1960 [40] Jean-Claude Van Damme (Van Varenberg) “The Muscles from Brussels”, Brussels BELG, film actor (“Double Team”, “Timecop”)
1974 [26] Peter Svenson, Jonkoping SWE, pop singer (Cardigans-“Lovefool’)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Persons Day”, commemorating the anniversary of the 1929 ruling that declared women to be ‘persons’ in Canada. (Shouldn’t that be ‘people’?)
TODAY is “International Boost Your Brain Day”, a day to ‘clean out the cobwebs, blast through the barriers and click on the light bulbs’ because humans use only a small percentage of their brain power.
NET: http://www.thinksmart.com
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 NY Yankees beat Boston Red Sox 6-1 to win their record 36th AL pennant and their 3rd trip to the World Series in 4 years (where they win their record 25th championship)
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1776 [224] 1st ‘cocktail’ served when the back of a NYC bar is decorated with bird tail feathers and a customer jokingly asks for ‘a glass of those cock tails’
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Evaluate Your Life Day
[Sun] Mother-In-Law Day
Teen Read Week
National Forest Products Week
National Pizza Month (what’s the oddest toppings you ever put on one?)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What does your partner [or parent] do on a regular basis that embarrasses you?”
BS SFX THEATER:
You read the story, a caller or guest provides the appropriate sound effects. Today’s story is called “Raking the Leaves” . . .
You walk outside and take a deep breath of the crisp, fall air. (SFX) You hear geese overhead flying south for the winter. (SFX) You open up the garage door, (SFX) and knock over a bunch of shovels and rakes leaning against the wall, (SFX) causing you to mutter under your breath. (SFX) You select a rake and begin raking at the far side of the yard, whistling while you work. (SFX) You’re startled when you poke the neighbor’s yappy Yorkie who’s hiding under the leaves. (SFX) You finally have all the leaves raked into one big pile, and let out a sigh of relief, (SFX) just as a giant gust of wind blows them back all over your yard, (SFX) causing you to mutter under your breath. (SFX)
BS TAG LINE:
I always give 100% at work — 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.
