October 12, 2000                                            Edition:  #1909

BS THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ON AN ELEVATOR:
• “The passengers have spoken. It’s time for you to leave.”
• “Does this look infected to you?”
• “Oops, sorry about my finger. I was aiming for a button.”
• “Hey Uncle Lou, show the lady how you can still push the 4th floor button with both arms full of groceries.”
• “Just ignore Rover. We’re going to have him fixed soon.”
• “As long as we’re all stuck here, how about a sing-along?”
• “I’m not just a Jehovah’s Witness, I also sell life insurance!”
• “Whoa! Anyone else eat a burrito for lunch?”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Hard to believe, but Brit model-actress Liz Hurley can’t find a date for TUESDAY’s premiere of her new movie “Bedazzled” (she confirms she and Hugh Grant are now just friends) . . . One reason actors may be spurning her is she filmed a commercial during the TV actors’ strike, a no-no that some say may result in her never working in Hollywood again . . . People calling a misprinted phone number for a “Sesame Street Live” performance in California have been getting a phone sex line (oops, wrong ‘Big Bird’!) . . . Kathie Lee Gifford is said to be quietly negotiating a deal for her own TV sitcom she wants to creatively title “Kathie Lee” (If FOX-TV picks it up, they’ll re-name it ‘When Bad Cabaret Singers Attack!).

FUTURE FILMS:
Jennifer Love Hewitt will star as the devil in a remake of “The Devil and Daniel Webster”, Alec Baldwin’s directorial debut . . . Ex-“X-Files” star David Duchovny says he’s too  busy to take a role in the upcoming “Star Wars: Episode III” (yeah, he’s in — hmm, what IS he doing?) . . . Russell Crowe has reportedly been offered $20 million to play a heroic soldier in the WW2 pic “Giant” . . . ‘N Sync will star in a 3rd big-screen version of “Grease” (great, who gets to be Olivia Newton-John?).

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING:
A French historian says William Shakespeare had trouble finding actors to perform in his plays because they couldn’t stand to be around him. Seems hygiene was not a big priority in Elizabethan England and Shakespeare was apparently stinkier than most. (Lesser known Shakespearean play — “The Taming of the Pee-yew”.)

EYES FORWARD EVERYONE:
A 20-year study in England suggests that youngsters whose school desks are in rows and face the blackboard work twice as hard as those who study in groups around a big table. (They would have finished the study a long time ago, but they were sitting in a group around a big table.)

THRONES THAT GROAN:
Three Scottish doctors have won the world’s top prize for daft science after studying why toilets collapse when fat people sit on them. Their research paper, “The Collapse of Toilets in Glasgow”, makes the startling conclusion that some toilets break because they aren’t strong enough to take some people’s weight. Their solution? Heavy users should ‘hover’ rather than sit.

THE BULL SHEET 10.12.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1923    [77] Jean Nidetch (Slutsky), Brooklyn NY, founder of Weight Watchers
1935    [65] Luciano Pavarotti, Modena ITA, big opera singer (“The Three Tenors”)
1935    [65] Sam Moore, Miami FL, legendary soul singer (Sam & Dave-“Soul Man”, “I Thank You”)
1969    [31] Martie Seidel, Dallas TX, country singer (Dixie Chicks-“Fly”, “Wide Open Spaces”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Moment of Frustration Scream Day” when we’re all encouraged to go outside at 12 noon and bellow for 30 seconds to vent our frustrations.

Britain’s London Lions have beaten previous champs Cream Team Cologne 1-0 in the “Gay World Cup” of soccer in Germany. 14 women’s teams and 21 men’s teams took part. (Showing their versatility, some players played on both.)

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999    According to UN estimates, the world’s population reaches 6 billion, meaning . . .
    • More food for cannibals.
    • The odds of me having sex are better than I thought.
    • On a percentage basis, there are thankfully fewer French.
    • It’s just that much harder to prove you’re the father.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1823     [177] 1st ‘raincoats’ (flashers rejoice as Charles Macintosh of Scotland begins selling ‘Macs’)
1872    [128] 1st game for Montreal Foot Ball Club (an exciting 0-0 tie vs Quebec City)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1991    [09] BC Lions QB Doug Flutie breaks Warren Moon’s CFL record for yards passing in a season with a 582-yard performance vs Edmonton

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Fri] Blame Someone Else Day
[Fri] Skeptics’ Day (doesn’t seem like a very worthwhile idea)
Fire Prevention Week (every time [your chubby co-host] walks, his corduroy pants catch fire)
National Depression Awareness Month (estimates say 1 in 5 people are depressed — how depressing!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTERS:
• “Your partner buys you clothes you can’t stand. What do you do?
• “What you would do if you were the opposite sex for a day?”
• “What’s the worst uniform you’ve ever had to wear?”
• “Who should be the next Toronto Blue Jays manager – Paul Molitor? Buck Martinez?” (We’re holding out for George Bell.)

BS BRAIN BUSTER:
All my ties are red except 2. All my ties are blue except 2. All my ties are brown except 2. How many ties do I have? [ANSWER: Three, 1 of each color.]

BS TAG LINE:
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.