October 11, 2000 Edition: #1908
BS SIGNS YOUR BODY PIERCING FETISH HAS GONE TOO FAR:
• Before your appendix operation, you ask the doc to put a stud through your spleen.
• No matter how you go to sleep, you wake up pointing north.
• When the wind picks up, you sound like the Edmonton Symphony woodwind section.
• Though it looks cool, the diamond stud in your cornea seriously impairs your ability to drive at night.
• Every time you sneeze it sounds like someone dropped a box of salad forks.
• Getting through the airport metal detector now requires stripping down to your skeleton.
• Despite your Calista Flockhart frame, you’re still 37 pounds overweight.
• You can’t walk through an average doorway because of the javelin in your tongue.
• “With this nipple ring, I thee wed.”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
LAST NIGHT’s premiere of ABC-TV’s new medical drama “Gideon’s Crossing” aired WITHOUT commercial interruptions, a first for a broadcast network series . . . The World Wildlife Fund is suing the World Wrestling Federation for reneging on an agreement NOT to exploit the WWF logo (a fund spokesman says they don’t want to be associated with ‘low-end marketing’) . . . Meantime, the World Wrestling Federation is launching Smackdown Records, to feature material by musically-gifted grapplers . . . Thanks to fellow Aussie Elle MacPherson, triple Olympic gold medalist Ian Thorpe is being shopped around Hollywood for acting gigs, already landing a guest shot on “Friends” (you’d think a guy with size 17 feet and nicknamed ‘Thorpedo’ would better suit porn films) . . . Hollywood reacts quickly when there’s a sniff of money, so “Meet The Parents 2″ is already in development (Ben Stiller tells father-in-law Robert De Niro about a divorce?).
BETWEEN THE COVERS:
• James Ulmer’s new “Hollywood Hot List” ranks Julia Roberts Hollywood’s ‘most bankable star’, due to her ability to open a film based on her name alone. She’s followed by Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson and Bruce Willis. (Hey, where’s Adam Sandler?)
• The new book “Secrets of the Superyoung” by researchers David Weeks and Jamie James says you can look up to 7 years younger — through vigorous regular sex! (The reason most people think [your co-host] is 15.)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A German clinic claims that snoring is not only annoying, it MAKES YOU STUPID. How so? Clinicians cite a recent study that shows it kills brain cells by depriving the body of oxygen. (Sleep with an old sock in your mouth and — BAM! — you’re a genius.)
• A new law in Honduras bans parents from giving children bizarre names. Seems there’s been a problem in the province of Gracias a Dios of people naming their kids — after auto parts. (The legislation was introduced by representative Napa de Crankcase.)
• South African farmer George Raush says he doesn’t trust doctors, so he never, ever goes to one — even though he’s had an ax sticking out of his head for the past 8 years. Seems the wound healed around the ax head and, other than the occasional headache, he’s in perfect health. (Talk about your splitting headache! And how’s he wear a hat, anyway?)
THE BULL SHEET 10.11.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [75] Elmore Leonard, New Orleans LA, novelist whose books get made into movies (“Out of Sight”, “Jackie Brown”, “Get Shorty”) QUOTE: “I try to leave out the parts readers skip.”
1962 [38] Joan Cusack, Evanston IL, movie actress (“Where the Heart Is”, “Runaway Bride”)/actor John Cusack’s sister
1966 [34] Luke Perry, Mansfield OH, TV actor (Jeremiah Cloutier-“Oz”, ex-“Beverly Hills 90210″)
1968 [32] Jane Krakowski, Parsippany NJ, TV actress (secretary Elaine Vassal-“Ally McBeal”)/movie actress (Betty O’Shale-“The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] “International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction” (And what the heck can we do about it?)
TODAY is “National Coming Out Day”, a day to announce your sexuality and be proud. (Tomorrow is the Rev Jerry Fallwell’s ‘Get Back in There Day!’) Ask listeners who we should expect to hear ‘special announcements’ from today.
TODAY is “Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work Day”. (Then clean out your desk and go home day.)
Bill & Hillary Clinton are celebrating (or maybe suffering through) their 25th anniversary TODAY. They wed in 1975 in Fayetteville, Arkansas. (To celebrate, he’s passing out cigars.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1992 [08] Deion Sanders plays pro football and pro baseball on same day (Atlanta Falcons/Braves)
1997 [03] Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind 1997” debuts at #1 on pop singles charts
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1952 [48] 1st televised hockey game in Canada (Detroit at Montreal)
1975 [25] 1st edition of “Saturday Night Live” on NBC-TV is hosted by George Carlin (they already had the 25th anniversary special a year ago)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1972 [28] Australian Michael Gallen devours record 63 bananas in 10 minutes live on TV
1987 [13] World’s largest pizza (94,248 slices)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th
National School Lunch Week (what’s the weirdest thing you ever found in yours?)
National Communicate With Your Kid Month (“So I go, like whatever and then she goes…”)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
• You’re Anna Nicole Smith. Which is larger — your left lung or your right lung? [For Ms Smith, and everyone else for that matter, the left lung is smaller than the right lung to make room for the heart.]
• Studies show they’re bigger and pinker in France than they are in Canada. What are they? [Pigs. Hogs in France have a rosier color and an extra vertebrae, making them larger.]
• You’re a firefighter. What’s your fire pole most likely made of? [Aluminum. They used to be brass, but the cost became prohibitive.]
BS TAG LINE: Success is a result, not a goal.
