Monday, February 27, 2012 Edition: #4693
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!
WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• After last night’s Oscars we know the best movies of the year but we’ll have to wait until April 1st to learn the worst. That’s when the 32nd “Golden Raspberry Awards” for Hollywood’s lamest films will be announced. Thanks to the horrific “Jack & Jill”, Adam Sandler has already set a new record for the most “Razzie” nominations in a single year with 11 nods, including ‘Worst Actor’ and … ‘Worst Actress’.
• Justin Timberlake seems a step closer to playing Elton John in an upcoming bio-pic. John’s partner and movie producer, David Furnish, confirms Elton and Justin have had conversations about it and agreed that getting the chemistry right is the most important consideration. There’s no race to make the film, Furnish says. Their intent is to take the time to get it right.
– “E! News”
• It’s confirmed 42-year-old movie star Gerard Butler (“300”) checked into the Betty Ford Clinic 3 weeks ago for addiction to prescription painkillers he’d been taking since a surfing accident while shooting “Of Men & Mavericks” last year. His rep says the actor has successfully completed treatment, has returned home in good health, and no further comment will be made.
• Simon Cowell has revealed he intends to replace former “X Factor” host Steve Jones with a pair of co-hosts when the show returns to FOX-TV later this year. Cowell’s show is also a few weeks away from announcing who the 2 new female judges will be. “We waited to see who would contact us before reaching out to others,” Cowell explains.
• Retired Chicago, Illinois cop Marty Christopher Lawson is requesting an injunction to stop screenings of the movie “Safe House”, which stars Denzel Washington & Ryan Reynolds. He alleges the film’s plot and characters are stolen from his book, “Truth or Treason”, which detailed his efforts to uncover a police conspiracy. Lawson claims the movie has caused him ‘pain and suffering’.
• And the director of the Whigham Funeral Home in Newark, New Jersey is denying her staff leaked the grainy photo of Whitney Houston lying in an open casket which was published on the cover of “National Enquirer” following her funeral. Carolyn Whigham contends the mortuary did not take the photo and can’t understand who did as the late singer’s body was protected by 24-hour security guards who ‘slept there with her’.
– “New York Daily News”
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Conan” (TBS) – Chiddy Bang (“The Preview”).
• “In Performance At the White House” (PBS) – The musical form known as ‘The Blues’ is celebrated by the likes of BB King, Booker T Jones, Buddy Guy, Mick Jagger, and Jeff Beck.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) – Melanie Fiona (“The MF Life”, out March 20th).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Trentemoller (“LateNightTales”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC) – Bruce Springsteen (“Wrecking Ball”, due March 6th).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Lyle Lovett (“Release Me”, released tomorrow).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) – Mariachi El Bronx (“Mariachi El Bronx II”).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Adele – Her album “21” has now become the 1st to go ‘Double Platinum’ on iTunes within the span of a single year.
• Dierks Bentley – After recently wrapping the Canadian leg of his “Country & Cold Cans Tour” his tour bus nicknamed ‘Old Goldie’ notched its 1 millionth mile. He played the San Antonio Rodeo in Texas on the weekend and is next taking his tour to Australia where it opens March 9th.
• Justin Bieber – His 2nd photobook, “Justin Bieber: Just Getting Started”, is coming in September. HarperCollins has announced the book will provide an inside look at the singer touring the globe, making a movie, and recording his currently-in-the-works album, “Believe”.
• Katy Perry – “Part Of Me” has rocketed to the top of “Billboard” magazine’s ‘Hot 100’ chart, marking her 7th career #1 hit.
• Keith Urban – “You Gonna Fly” has taken over top spot on this week’s ‘Country Songs’ chart in “Billboard” magazine.
• Radiohead – Tonight they begin a 10-city mini-tour of North America in Miami, Florida.
• Santana – Carlos Santana has signed on for a 2-year residency at the House of Blues at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas that will run from this September through 2013, according to Billboard.com.
• Taylor Swift – She’s invited 18-year-old cancer patient Kevin McGuire to be her date for the “ACM Awards” after initially turning down his offer to be his prom date. If all goes well, he will fly to Las Vegas for the event on April 1st.
• Ting Tings – Today they unleash their new album “Sounds From Nowheresville” in the UK. It’s coming to North America in March. The long-awaited 2nd effort was written in Paris, France and recorded in Berlin, Germany and Mercia, Spain.
Estimated time required for various items to decompose and return to the earth …
• Paper Bag … 1 month.
• Cardboard … 2 months.
• Cigarette Butt … 10-12 years.
• Chewing Gum … 15-20 years.
• Aluminum Can … 200-500 years.
(A Hollywood actress’ face … 45 years.)
– Excerpted from TheToiletPaper.com
THE PERILS OF PIERCING:
If you’re thinking about getting a body piercing one thing to consider is that about 20% of the time there are complications, such as infection or scarring. A new review of medical studies by Northwestern University shows that piercings of the belly button and upper ear are especially prone to problems. While the fad shows no sign of abating, the research paper advises it’s not recommended for teens and suggests that body piercers screen customers for hazardous factors, such as allergies that may predispose customers to experience complications. (‘Cause you need an infection like you need another hole in the head!)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
✓ Dundee, Scotland – A 35-year-old pregnant woman has revealed she’s developed a truly bizarre craving … her local newspaper. Yep, she actually munches her way through copies of the “Dundee Evening Telegraph”, which she claims is the only rag with ‘the proper flavor’. She admits she even stashes shredded copies in her handbag for … emergency snacks.
✓ Huntington, West Virginia – A Marshall University student is suing his fraternity, Alpha Tau Omega, alleging he fell off a deck when a frat brother fired a bottle rocket … out of his anus. The lawsuit claims the ‘ultra hazardous activity’ startled the plaintiff, causing him to jump backward and sustain injury. Not surprisingly, it’s also alleged that a lot of underage drinking was involved.
– “The Week”
✓ London, England – After a CCTV security camera operator reported somebody ‘acting suspiciously’, a police officer attempting to track the suspect came up empty. Each time the man darted into an alleyway, the intrepid cop turned immediately into the same alley but could spot no trace. Eventually it became apparent the operator was unaware the cop was a plainclothes officer and – for some 20 minutes – had been guiding the policeman to chase … himself.
– “Sunday Times of London”
THANKS A LOT, MOM!
Many countries have no restrictions on what parents can name their newborns. Here are real names of some British kids that are destined for a lifetime of distress …
● ‘Mineral Water’
● ‘River Jordan’
● ‘Windsor Castle’
● ‘Stone Wall’
– PA News
HOW TO WAKE UP:
A few tips on how to drag your bone rack out of the sack in the morning …
✓ The most obvious recommendation – get an automatic coffee maker if you don’t have one.
✓ Surround yourself with comforting items to tempt you out of bed: Warm, fuzzy slippers; a velvety bathrobe; a scented oil diffuser; a towel warmer for after your shower.
✓ Crank the heat so there’s little difference between the warmth of your cozy bed and the warmth of your bedroom.
✓ As soon as your grumpy self awakes, try energizing full-body stretches while still lying in bed.
✓ Let the sunlight in; it’s the most natural way to wake.
✓ Wake up to music rather than your alarm’s default buzz.
✓ Give yourself something to look forward to such as warm oatmeal pre-prepared in a slow-cooker.
✓ Think of psychological motivations to get you up early, ie: the chance to have the house to yourself; a jumpstart on a pet project; 10 extra minutes working out, etc.
DID YOU KNOW?
• Seafood reached a tipping point in 2009 when, for the first time, more than 50% of fish used for human consumption came from fish farms. Farmed fish largely eat a steady diet of smaller fish, which are caught from the world’s increasingly fragile fisheries.
• It’s estimated that a fifth of all fish catches worldwide are now illegal.
– “New Scientist”
BS CHRONOMETER 02.27.12
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954  Neal Schon, Tinker Air Force Base OK, oldies guitarist (Journey-“Open Arms”, “Don’t Stop Believin’”)
1960  Johnny Van Zant, Jacksonville FL, country-rock singer (Van Zant-“Help Somebody”, Lynyrd Skynyrd-“Sweet Home Alabama”)
1962  Adam Baldwin, Chicago IL, TV actor (‘John Casey’ on “Chuck” since 2007)
1971  Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas, Atlanta GA, pop singer (TLC-“Unpretty”, “No Scrubs”)
1981  Josh Groban, LA CA, pop singer/operatic baritone (“You Raise Me Up”, “The Prayer”)
1983  Jared Champion, Bowling Green KY, rock drummer (Cage The Elephant-“Shake Me Down”, “Back Against the Wall”)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Glory in Simple Artistic Achievements Day”, by posting your kid’s ‘fridge art’ perhaps?
• “International Polar Bear Day”, declared by non-profit conservation group Polar Bears International to heighten awareness of the declining population of the big white guys of the Far North.
• “No Brainer Day”, when we’re encouraged to slack off. Any activity attempted should be something done without serious thought … a ‘no brainer’ activity. Like this show, for instance.
• “Read 5 Pages In the Dictionary Day”. Just think, if you do this each day for a year … you’ll be really boring.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1974  “People” magazine debuts, devoted to celebrity & pop culture news (movie actress Mia Farrow is on the cover)
2007  “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”,hosted by Jeff Foxworthy, premieres on FOX-TV
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1980  “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor wins the first – and last – Grammy ever awarded for ‘Best Disco Recording’
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1827  1st ‘Mardi Gras’ celebration in New Orleans, Lousisiana (1st co-ed flashes to get a cheap string of beads)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1987  A team of 90 elementary school students in Kumamoto, Japan skips rope together
160 times without missing for a new “Guinness World Record”
1988  ‘Longest Tandem Bicycle’ is unveiled in New Zealand, measuring 72.96 ft & weighing 340 lbs
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Floral Design Day
[Tues] Tooth Fairy Day
[Tues] Rare Disease Day
[Tues] World Spay Day
[Wed] Leap Year Day
[Wed] Bachelors Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Eating Disorders Awareness Week / Peace Corps Week / Secondhand Wardrobe Week / Telecommuter Appreciation Week
BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS SIGNS YOUR CAR IS GETTING OLD:
• Friends constantly saying, “No no no, it’s okay really … I’ll catch a cab.”
• You’re often passed by guys on riding mowers.
• It can only make left turns.
• Blue book value: $38.75.
• Getting it to start involves the fire department and a catapult.
• Every time you fill your gas tank, your car doubles in value.
• Even dogs can’t bring themselves to use a tire.
• It has more miles on it than Betty White.
– First published in “BS” 1995.
BS RANDOM JOKE:
I had a heart attack last week. My wife wrote for an ambulance.
BS PHONE STARTER:
☎ Which celebrity at the 2012 Academy Awards exhibited the most horrible cosmetic ‘enhancements’? (Our pick is Oscars’ host Billy Crystal, whose Botox-bloated face is now stretched tighter than Melissa McCarthy’s thong.)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: THIS is the word most often misspelled on grocery shopping lists, according to a “USA Today” survey.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
What you enjoy is much more important then what you have.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW:
Hartley Reede @ The Wave 95.5 [CJLS] Yarmouth, Nova Scotia; Dustin Chafin @ Urban Latino Radio, Brooklyn, New York; Scott Evans @ Q101.9 [WQXQ] Central City, Kentucky; Cory & Jason @ US 96.3 [WUSJ] Jackson, Mississippi; and Lisa White @ Country Gold [WIOO] Carlisle, Pennsylvania.