March 27, 2012 INTL

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Tuesday, March 27, 2012        Edition: #4714

You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

“The Hunger Games” opening weekend domestic box office of $155 million is the 3rd-best ever, surpassed only by “Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 2” ($169 million) and “The Dark Knight” ($158 million) . . . Music impresario Simon Cowell was surprised over the weekend when his $14-million West London mansion was broken into by a 29-year-old woman wielding a brick to break a bathroom window (the overzealous fan faced charges in court yesterday) . . . Acting couple Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green are facing a lawsuit from a photographer who claims they made verbal threats while he was taking their picture outside a resort in Hawaii, then tussled with him and threw his cellphone in the ocean (this all allegedly happened 3 months ago, but that Russell Brand case got him thinking …) . . . Reality TV star Camille Grammar has ‘decided against’ returning to “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” (Bravo) after lengthy discussions with the show’s producers (BS translation: They don’t need her anymore since the high-profile divorce from Kelsey was finalized) . . . LAPD is investigating a claim that actress Pauley Perrette’s ex-husband Coyote Shivers violated a restraining order by showing up at a restaurant where the “NCIS” star was dining with her new fiancé, aspiring actor Thomas Arklie (see TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS) . . . “NY Post” reports that Maria Menounos, the “Extra” TV correspondent who’s competing on the new season of “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC) with pro partner Derek Hough, has secretly been nursing a broken rib suffered during rehearsals (explaining her performance in the Cha-Cha-Ow!) . . . “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria is developing a new NBC-TV dating show, tentatively titled “All About Love”, in which matchmakers will set up singletons (like her maybe?) . . . 38-year-old model-turned-TV personality Heidi Klum reportedly wants estranged husband Seal to sign a ‘non-disclosure contract’ as part of their divorce settlement, prohibiting either of them from talking about their 7-year marriage (now we know who’s the control freak) . . . And now that 36-year-old soccer stud David Beckham & wife Victoria are spending most of their time in LA, he’s decided to have a garage sale to sell off his vehicle collection housed at ‘Beckingham Palace’ in Britain (up for grabs: 3 Harley motorcycles; 2 Bentleys; a Lamborghini; a BMW; a Range Rover and more estimated to be worth a total of – whoa! – $800,000).

• “Conan” (TBS) – Macy Gray (“Covered”, out today).
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV2) – Performances by Matt Nathanson (“Modern Love”), Sugarland (“The Incredible Machine”); couples face elimination.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) – All-American Rejects (“Kids In the Street”, out today); Justin Bieber (“Boyfriend”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Ting Tings (“Sounds From Nowheresville”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC) – Andrew Bird (“Break It Yourself”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Jason Aldean (“My Kinda Party”).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Macy Gray (“Covered”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) – The Pierces (“Light Of the Moon”).


• Carrie Underwood – The 29-year-old country star tells that she refuses to release her own fragrance because if people walked up to her smelling like her, it would ‘weird’ her out. She wouldn’t mind branching out into fashion, however.
• Katy Perry – Today she releases the retooled album “Teenage Dream: The Complete Confection”, basically her hit album re-packaged with some new tracks plus a 7-minute Tommie Sunshine mega-mix of her biggest hits.
• Madonna – Her new video for “Girl Gone Wild” featuring a backup troupe of male dancers wearing ‘Mantyhose’, the latest creation from Italian hosiery designer Emilio Cavallini. Also known tongue-in-cheek as ‘Brosiery’ or ‘Guylons’, they came about when the company noticed that its women’s tights in size medium-large were quite often being purchased by men.
• Miley Cyrus – She’s sparked speculation of an engagement to actor-boyfriend Liam Hemsworth (“The Hunger Games”) after she tweeted a new picture of herself wearing a big diamond ring.
• Musical Youth – They’ve lost a lawsuit claiming they’re owed royalties for their 1982 hit “Pass the Dutchie”, a pop smash that topped the chart in 7 countries. A UK judge has ruled the song is an adaptation of “Pass The Kouchie”, recorded by Jamaican reggae group The Mighty Diamonds in 1969 so the former Brit boy-band is owed … nothing.
• One Direction – While the “Up All Night” boy-band is on a blitzkrieg of North America, 18-year-old Harry Styles has reportedly been texting his mum back home in Britain up to 5-times-a-day because … he’s homesick.
• Rihanna – She’s reportedly trying to persuade her rumored boyfriend Ashton Kutcher to spend the Summer with her in Britain, where she’s due to perform at the “Wireless Festival” in London’s Hyde Park and at a BBC Radio 1 pre-Olympics event.
• Shinedown – Their new album “Amaryllis” is out today. The band is headlining this year’s “Avalanche Tour”, which kicks off tonight in Anaheim, California.

• “Alvin & The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked” ( G-Rated Family Animation ): Playing around while aboard a cruise ship, the Chipmunks and Chipettes accidentally go overboard and end up marooned in a tropical paradise. They soon discover their new turf is not as deserted as it seems. Voice cast includes Justin Long, Matthew Gray Gubler, Jesse McCartney.
• “A Dangerous Method” ( R-Rated Biographical Drama ): Director David Cronenberg takes a look at how the intense relationship between Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud gave birth to psychoanalysis. Stars Michael Fassbender, Keira Knightley, Viggo Mortensen. Shot in Austria, Germany, and Switzerland.
• “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close” ( PG-13 Drama ): Newcomer Thomas Horn plays a 9-year-old amateur inventor who searches NYC for the lock that matches a mysterious key left behind by his father (Tom Hanks), who died in the World Trade Center on 9/11. Co-stars Sandra Bullock. Directed by Stephen Daldry (“The Hours”).
• “In the Land Of Blood & Honey” ( R-Rated War Drama ): In Angelina Jolie’s directorial debut, a couple from opposite sides of the Bosnian War that tore the Balkan region apart in the 1990s falls in love. But as the armed conflict takes hold of their lives, their allegiances become uncertain. No-name cast.
• Also released today: “The BBC Natural History Collection: Special Edition” (Documentary); “Betty White: Champion for Animals” (Documentary); “Corman’s World: Exploits Of a Hollywood Rebel” (Documentary); “El Bulli: Cooking in Progress” (Documentary); “Eureka: Season 4.5” (TV); “The Found Footage Festival” (Comedy); and “South Park: The Complete 15th Season” (TV Animation).


The electric snail is here. There’s an electronic cockroach, too. Both are early experimental forays into a new line of research aimed at creating tiny, self-powered animal/machine hybrids as an alternative to tiny robots. Instead of starting from scratch and having to solve all those pesky movement problems, why not start out with living creatures that already know how to walk and fly? Then all we have to do is make them robot-like, outfitting them with the right technology so we can enslave them and make them do our bidding … in search-and-rescue work, spying, or perhaps attacking enemies with bug phobias. (We’ve been spending gazillions on military technology and all we needed was a few slugs?)
– “New York Times”


New Zealand drug reform lobbyists NORML (National Organization for Reform of Marijuana Laws) have rented a commercial vending machine for their Auckland headquarters which has subsequently been modified. Instead of the normally dispensed soft drink cans the machine now spits out … marijuana. A 1-gram baggie of cannabis drops into the tray whenever NZ$20 is inserted. By using the machine as a dispenser the organization maintains no one is technically ‘dealing’, thereby circumventing New Zealand laws restricting sale of cannabis. (Hope there’s an adjacent Doritos machine!)


A statistical breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 85% of women will not date a man with gray hair. (The reason for ‘Just For Men’.)
• 76% of us drive to work alone. (While wondering why gas costs so much.)
• 60% of us have underwear that doesn’t fit. (Are your tightie-whites too loosey-goosey?)
• 30% of us have a real problem with food touching on our plates. (The gravy and the ice cream, for instance.)
• 15% of us know someone with a toupée. (Coincidentally 15% of us know someone with a toupée who thinks no one knows he has a toupée.)
• 10% of guys have NEVER done laundry. (Because they like their jeans … crusty.)

Tips for having your dog included in your wedding ceremony …
• If you plan to have your dog actually carry the rings, be sure he is securely leashed at all times so he doesn’t bolt with the bands.
• Have the animal walked thoroughly beforehand. There is more than one incident on record of a dog answering nature’s call … right in the middle of the ceremony.
– “Dogs, Dogs, Dogs!”


People all over the world have been donning hoods to protest the shooting death of unarmed Florida teen Trayvon Martin. So when did the hood become associated with troublemakers? At least 800 years ago when London, England was plagued by young, unsupervised apprentice boys. They were always rioting over some political or religious issue and often wore hoods to hide their identities. At the time, hoods were common among law-abiding folks as well, but they were especially emblematic of young hooligans. (‘Hoodlum’ originated in the 1870s as a slang term for a thug or gangster.)

In 2005, the NCAA College Basketball Tournament became the 2nd-most-popular sporting event among gamblers, after the Super Bowl.


“I guess I feel I have to be more mature. I can’t really, like, moon the paparazzi or anything, which is always my dream.”
– “Hunger Games” star Jennifer Lawrence, telling “The Sun” how fame has changed her.


1963 [49] Quentin Tarantino, Knoxville TN, film producer/writer/director (“Inglourious Basterds”, Oscar-“Pulp Fiction”)

1965 [47] Johnny April , Enfield CT,  rock bassist/vocalist (Staind-“Not Again”, “Believe”)

1969 [43] Pauley Perrette, New Orleans LA, TV actress (‘Abby Sciuto’ on “NCIS” since 2003)

1970 [42] Mariah Carey, Huntington NY, pop singer (“Don’t Forget About Us”, “We Belong Together”)/5 Grammy Awards/18 #1 singles

1971 [41] Nathan Fillion, Edmonton AB Canada, TV actor (‘Richard Castle’ on “Castle” since 2009, “Firefly” 2002-03)

1975 [37] Fergie (Stacy Ferguson), Whittier CA, pop singer (“Clumsy”, “Big Girls Don’t Cry”, Black Eyed Peas-“My Humps”, “Where Is The Love?”)/movie actress (“Grindhouse”, “Poseidon”)

1988 [24] Jessie J (Jessica Cornish), London UK, pop singer (“Domino”, w/BoB-“Price Tag”)/TV personality (judge on UK version of “The Voice”)


• “American Diabetes Association Alert Day”, a one-day wake-up call asking the public to take the Diabetes Risk Test to find out if they are at risk for developing type 2 diabetes.

• “National Joe Day”, when people who hate their names are to be called ‘Joe’. Ask listeners for the most horrific given names they’ve come across.

• “Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day”. How about these, for instance …
– “You’re the Ring Around My Bathtub, You’re the Hangnail of My Life”
– “If My Nose Was Running Money, Honey, I’d Blow it All on You”
– “You’ve Got Sawdust On the Floor of Your Heart”
– “80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper”
– “You’ve Already Put Big Old Tears in My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face?”
There’s a listing of 265 more here (scroll down to ‘The Best Of the Worst Country Song Titles’) …
The ‘Do-It-Yourself Country Song Generator’ will help you create a hit in just moments …

• “Viagra Day”, commemorating the date in 1998 when the ‘Little Blue Pill’ for men was approved for sale by the FDA.

1973 [39] Actor Marlon Brando (“The Godfather”) declines the Academy Award for ‘Best Actor’ (actress Sacheen Littlefeather announces he’s protesting Hollywood’s portrayal of Native-Americans in film)

1995 [17] David Letterman hosts the 67th Academy Awards, when he infamously introduces 2 celebs in the audience by saying, “Oprah, Uma … Uma, Oprah”

1939 [73] University of Oregon defeats Ohio State University 46-33 to win the 1st-ever NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament


1999 [13] Bill Minty of Bridgeport, Connecticut boils 6,000 eggs for his neighborhood ‘Easter Egg Hunt’ in 10 minutes by placing them inside a mesh bag in a large washing machine at his dry cleaning shop

2001 [11] 87-year-old Berry Thomas of Nashville, Tennessee becomes ‘Oldest Bowler to Roll a Perfect Game’ (a record broken in 2010 by 89-year-old Fran Lasee of De Pere, Wisconsin)


[Wed] Weed Appreciation Day
[Thurs] Mom & Pop Business Owners Day
[Fri] “Bully”; “Goon”; “Intruders”; “Mirror Mirror”; “Wrath Of the Titans” open in movie theaters
[Fri] “BMI Latin Awards” (Las Vegas NV)
[Sat] 25th “Kids’ Choice Awards” (Nickelodeon)
[Sun] 47th Academy of Country Music Awards (CBS)
[Sun] WrestleMania XXVIII (Miami FL)
[Sat] NCAA Final Four (New Orleans LA)
This Week Is … Cleaning Week
This Month Is … Women’s History Month


• You now answer the phone, “Hellohio State?”
• You’ve been having erotic dreams about Marv Albert.
• You’ve started injecting nacho cheese intravenously.
• You’ve worn out 3 La-Z-Boys in 2 weeks.
• You asked your girlfriend to marry you using a dry-erase board.
• You’ve installed a 35-second shot clock in the bedroom.
• At dinner last night, you made guests tip-off for every pork chop.
• Your wife now refers to your fat ass as the ‘Big South’.

Ah, a fresh new day! The mistakes are all waiting to be made.

☎ What’s the most annoying habit a co-worker has that drives you ape sh–?

Question: On average, we do THIS 3 times per week.
Answer: Eat dessert.


Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.

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