Tuesday, September 5, 2006        Edition: #3358
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
YESTERDAY while filming a documentary on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef 44-year-old “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray barb that pierced his chest (he survived all those crocs and a ray gets him – crikey!) . . . FRIDAY TV talk show host Ellen DeGeneres & actress/partner Portia de Rossi suffered only minor injuries after a 3-vehicle chain collision (typically of LA, their Porsche Carrera was rammed by a vehicle hit by a – Porsche Carrera) . . . From all the hype, you’d think it was the second coming – TONIGHT “The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric” debuts (simulcast online & on CBS Radio), as the perky, pint-size pipsqueak attempts to eradicate any lingering Dan Rather taint from former news icon CBS-TV (the show’s new theme music was written by “Titanic” composer James Horner) . . . Meantime, online betting site BetCRIS.com is offering 13:2 odds that Couric will pull in more than 8.5 million viewers on her first night . . . 2-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank has apparently already replaced estranged hubby Chad Lowe – she’s been spotted getting cozy in Rome with John Campisi, her agent who’s reportedly married (that’s 2 strikes against him) . . . A Maryland court has sentenced 2 men to pay restitution & serve probation for stealing guitars from country star Faith Hill and rockers Nickelback – then trying to sell them on eBay (how not to hide the evidence) . . . Electronic Arts’ football video game “Madden NFL 07” sold over 2 million copies worth over $100 million – in its first week of release (THURSDAY John Madden debuts as color commentator on NBC-TV’s “Sunday Night Football” in the kick-off special) . . . THIS WEEK 66-year-old former “West Wing” star Martin Sheen, like many others, is starting school, enrolling at Ireland’s National University Galway to study Philosophy, English Lit & Oceanography as part of a Bachelor of Arts degree . . . And 25-year-old Harry Morton, owner of the Pink Taco restaurant chain & heir to the Hard Rock Café fortune, has reportedly flown his 20-year-old girlfriend Lindsay Lohan off to Hawaii for a vacation (a rumor that he brought along a whopping Cartier diamond ring has already been denied – so you know what that means!).

BS MUSIC NOTES–
• Beyoncé – TODAY she guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV).
• Bonnie Tyler – An impromptu performance of her 1983 hit “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at the request of the co-pilot on an Air France flight to Mauritius has led to passengers filing a lawsuit against the airline, claiming they were ‘traumatized’ and ‘feared for their safety’.
• Brooks & Dunn – Their pics are currently featured on 2.9 million Coca-Cola products in Wal-Mart stores. In the past, they’ve been on the front of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes boxes.
• Chris Brown – THIS FALL the “Run It” singer is appearing on “The OC”, not in a guest cameo but as a full-fledged actor in a role scheduled to run some 7 episodes.
• Christina Aguilera – TONIGHT she performs on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• Jessica Simpson – She’s set to market a new line of hair extensions called ‘HairDo’, available in different styles that use a ‘one-clip’ attachment. Her hairstylist/collaborator (and reported boyfriend) Ken Paves claims Jessica has single-handedly removed the taboo from hairpieces. TODAY she’s a guest on “The View” (ABC).
• Toby Keith – TONIGHT he appears on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) to promote his new movie “Broken Bridges”.
• Toni Braxton – She has a new prop for her ongoing “Toni Braxton– Revealed” show at The Flamingo in Las Vegas: a white-gold microphone encrusted with 650 carats of diamonds worth – whoa! – a million bucks.
• Queen – TODAY’s 60th birth anniversary of late frontman Freddie Mercury (Bulsara) will be honored with a lavish bash thrown by bandmates & friends. TONIGHT a documentary called “Freddie Mercury: A Kind of Magic” airs on UK network ITV. Mercury died November 24, 1991 due to complications from AIDS.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Broken Trail” ( Western ):  Robert Duvall stars as an aging rancher who teams up with his estranged nephew (Thomas Haden Church) to drive a herd of horses from Oregon to Wyoming and winds up a fatherly guardian to 5 abused Chinese girls. Some call this made-for-TV mini-series the best Western since “Lonesome Dove”.
• “United 93” ( Historical Drama ): The first theatrical feature film to deal with 9/11 is a real-time account of the events aboard the hijacked plane that crashed in a field near Shanksville PA. Families of the 40 passengers and crew members who were killed cooperated in the production.  The DVD includes a 50-minute documentary with interviews. No-name cast.
• Also on DVD TODAY:  “Ace Ventura Deluxe Double Feature”; “Lost: Season 2”; “Supernatural: The Complete 1st Season”; and “Seven Samurai”, Akira Kurosawa’s classic 1954 Japanese film that’s inspired numerous remakes, such as “The Magnificent Seven”.

VIRTUAL EDUCATION:
Britain’s Northampton College has launched a new course on ‘How to Make a Living Using eBay’. Among the topics to be covered: Attracting Buyers, Creating Attention-Grabbing Ads; Monitoring Sales; and Simplifying Payment Methods. It’s not a program for credit, merely a 3-hour course using teaching materials provided by the company. The idea is to help first-time eBay users to avoid costly mistakes. It’s now estimated that over 700,000 people worldwide make a full-time or part-time income by selling on eBay. (Can you bid on tuition?)
– “Daily Mirror”

HAIRY GUYS LIVE LONGER?
Shaving less than once a day could increase a man’s risk of having a stroke by around 70%, researchers have found. The link between  infrequent shaving and stroke risk has emerged from a 20-year study of some 2,000 men in Wales. At the time the study began in the 1980s, the prevailing trend was to be clean-shaven, so infrequent grooming was unrelated to today’s desire for ‘designer stubble’. Researchers from the University of Bristol say it’s more likely to be because men who only need to shave infrequently have less testosterone in their bodies. (Okay, you’re smooth … but not long for this Earth.)
– “New Scientist”

SUPERMARKET ROMANCE:
According to a survey by marketing agency Integer Group, women who are grocery shopping feel the ‘most sensual’ when they are in the shampoo aisle. And when they’re feeling ‘romantic’, they head for the candy aisle. (Wonder what they’re feeling when they hang out near the vegetables?)
– “Social Studies”

HABS ON THE SILVER SCREEN:
The Montréal Canadiens plan to mark their 100th anniversary with a film on the history of the team. The proposed $5-million, 2-hour docudrama would hit theaters in the fall of 2008, a year before the team’s centennial season in 2009-2010. As part of the centennial celebrations, the Canadiens are also planning to retire the numbers of several former players, and have entered bids for both the NHL All-Star Game and NHL Entry Draft in 2009.
– “Le Journal de Montréal”

LAST ‘SURVIVOR: DALLAS’:
The last surviving passenger of the car in which John F Kennedy was shot has died. Nellie Connally, the wife of ex-Texas governor John Connally, remarked to the President: “You can’t say Dallas doesn’t love you,” moments before he was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald, in 1963. Connally, who died of natural causes at age 87, always said that the most enduring image of the day was a blood-stained bouquet of roses left in the car. (What about the bazooka behind the ‘grassy knoll’?)
– “GQ”

PLASTERING PARIS:
Britain’s infamous ‘guerilla artist’ Banksy has tampered with 500 copies of Paris Hilton’s debut album, “Paris”, in 48 music stores across the UK. He not only altered the photo on the cover to show her topless with a dog’s head but also renamed tracks to titles such as “Why Am I Famous?”, “What Have I Done?” and “What Am I For?”. He actually managed to switch out the CDs in stores but retained the original barcodes so patrons wouldn’t realize they were buying altered goods. A spokesman for HMV claims the chain has recovered 7 of the ‘special’ CDs. (Sounds like more of an artistic achievement than the original!)
– BBC News

BS LAW & DISORDER:
• In Austria, a man has been arrested while trying to — break INTO prison. The 23-year-old claims life is easier on the inside because they feed you, do your laundry and let you watch TV, which is far more than his mom does. (We’ve got 3 words for you, kid – get a job!)
• In Orlando FL, a bank robber has been caught by police after — smoke was seen coming from his butt. It seems he’d tucked the wad of bills into his waistband and when the explosive security dye was activated, it set his pants afire! He’s been hospitalized with possible burns. (Not to mention a bruised ego.).
• In Australia, the Sydney suburb of Fairfield has become a ‘Spit-Free Zone’. From now on, gobbing in public is banned and offenders face ‘on-the-spot’ fines of up to $1,100. (Pity the poor CSI working these cases!)
• In Israel, 2 cops chasing a stolen vehicle in a Tel Aviv suburb got out of their cruiser and set off on foot to run down 3 suspects who had crashed the car into a power pole. But as one was being arrested, another perp doubled back — and took off with the cop car. (Are they filming “Police Academy 12” or what?)

AMAZING FACT:
To be ‘faster than a speeding bullet’, you’d have to exceed about 1,100 mph (1,800 km/hr).
– encarta.msn.com

THE BULL SHEET 09.05.06

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1929 [77] Bob Newhart, Oak Park IL, stand-up comedian/former TV sitcom actor (“Newhart”, “Bob”) who Conan O’Brien threatened to asphyxiate if the “Emmy Awards” went overtime

1950 [56] Cathy Guisewite, Dayton OH, comic strip cartoonist (“Cathy” since 1976)

1951 [55] Michael Keaton (Douglas), Pittsburgh PA, movie actor (“Beetle Juice”, “Batman”)

1968 [38] Brad Wilk, Portland OR, rock drummer (Audioslave-“Original Fire”)

1973 [33] Rose McGowan, Florence, Italy, TV actress (‘Paige Halliwell’ on “Charmed” 2001-06)/movie actress (“The Black Dahlia”, opening SEPTEMBER 15th)

TODAY’S BS REASON TO PARTY . . .
“Be Late For Something Day”, sponsored by the Procrastinators’ Club. In retaliation, TOMORROW is “National Do-It! Day”, aka “Fight Procrastination Day”.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1991 [15] John Travolta weds actress Kelly Preston (it’s their ‘Plywood Anniversary’)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1956 [50] Johnny Cash releases the hit single “I Walk the Line”

1996 [10] 10-hour video collection “The Beatles Anthology” is released

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1999 [07] La-Z-Boy 1st markets its ‘Oasis’ recliner designed for football fans, equipped with phone, heat, massager, and a cooler large enough to chill a 6-pack

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1989 [17] World’s ‘Longest Zipper’ (9,353 ft-long with 2,565,900 teeth) is produced by the Yoshida Co of Sneek, Netherlands (and installed on a pair of pants for Shaquille O’Neal)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Iguana Awareness Day
[Wed-Sat] World Toilet Summit (Moscow, Russia)
[Thurs] NFL Opening Kickoff 2006 (Pittsburgh PA)
[Thurs] Full Moon (Corn Moon)
[Thurs-Sept 16] 31st Toronto International Film Festival (Toronto)
[Fri] Fashion Rocks (CBS-TV)
[Fri] 7th Billboard R&B-Hip Hop Awards (Atlanta GA)

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Self-University Week / Waffle Week / Payroll Week / Child Injury Prevention Week / Emergency Care Week / Full Employment Week / Financial Services Week

BULL’S BITS

SEPTEMBER is “Children’s Good Manners Month” so here are a few …
BS RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR KIDS:
• Never ride in the very front seat of the school bus after eating a burrito for breakfast.
• Never refer to the teacher as “Hey, big butt!”
• Always give the school bully whatever she asks for.
• Try not to blow all your scholarship money on candy.
• When somebody orders a salad in cafeteria, do not say, “Hey, we got ourselves a sissy here!”

WORST BS MOVIE TITLES OF ALL-TIME:
• “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot” (1992)
• “Half-Past Dead” (2002)
• “Gigli” (2003)
• “Eegah” (1962)
• “Ballistic Ecks Vs Sever”(2002)
• “Manos: Hands of Fate” (1966)
• “Honey, I Blew Up The Kid” (1992)
• “Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter” (1966)
• “Attack of the Clones” (2002)
• “The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living & Became Mixed-Up Zombies” (1963)
– RetroCrush

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• A Utah high school will be charging students $2 for being late, and $3 for skipping classes. Good idea or bad?
• Does anyone under 60 still get their news from network TV anymore?
• Which trait did you find cute about your partner when you first met that drives you crazy now?

FACT OR BS?
Some of the following are true while some are pure BS. Which is which?
• Con-sec-o-tal-e-o-phobia is the fear of chopsticks. [FACT]
• The lungs of an average adult, unfolded and flattened out, would cover an area the size of a tennis court. [FACT]
• Urine is considered a suitable first-aid treatment for venom from a stingray. [BS. It’s inconclusive if it eases pain but it for certain fails to clean the wound properly.]
• Reindeer tongue is eaten in Finland. [FACT. Its slow-cooked to a melting tenderness.]
• The ‘SS Car Company’ was the original name for the Jaguar car company. [FACT]
• The only fish that can blink with both eyes simultaneously is the Blinkfish. [BS. It’s the Shark.]
• Flies have red blood. [BS. They do have a form of blood, however, called ‘haemolymph’.]
• ‘Mickey’ was Walt Disney’s middle name. [BS. It was ‘Elias‘.]
• ‘Dinosaur’ means ‘fearfully great lizard’. [FACT, coming from the Greek words ‘deinos’ & ‘sauros’.]
• Katie Couric is the first solo female anchor of a nightly TV network news program. [FACT, in the USA at least.]

WEB GOODIE:
“You suck!” is so passé. Want a new heckle to take to the stadium? Try the ‘Heckle Depot’ …
NET: http://www.heckledepot.com/bestof.shtml

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Question: THIS is the #1 thing that makes guys in high school jealous.  Answer to Give Out Next Show: Friends who already have facial hair.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
When money talks there are few interruptions.

WELCOME NEWBS:
A tip of Da Bull’s horns to Rob Suski @ C95FM [CFMC] Saskatoon SK who’s just joined the “BS” family; and we salute samplers this week that include Deon Chetty @ Lotus FM, Durban, South Africa; Jack Reynolds @ Classic Rock The Bear [WGFM] Cheboygan MI; Samson Lang @ KACQ Lampasas TX; and Fran Morelli @ K-Bear 101 [KCVI] Blackfoot ID. You can subscribe or update your “BS” subscription here – http://thebullsheet.com/location.html