Friday, September 24, 2004        Edition: #2873
Can You Believe This Sheet?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY taping is scheduled to begin in Mexico on the TBS reality-show version of the classic sitcom “Gilligan’s Island”, in which a real-life professor, skipper, millionaire, movie star (Carmen Electra), etc will be stranded on an island (“The Real Gilligan’s Island” will air in NOVEMBER) . . . “Star Wars” creator George Lucas has ruled out any plans to make another trilogy, saying “Revenge Of The Sith” will be the last episode of the series (thank-you) . . . TOMORROW actor Kevin Costner will wed longtime girlfriend Christine Baumgartner in Aspen CO, with Tim Allen, Bruce Willis & Oliver Stone expected to be among the celebrity guests . . . UK soccer star David Beckham & former Spice Girl wife Victoria are suing a British tabloid for reporting that their marriage was in trouble (they’ll use the money to pay their divorce lawyers) . . . “That ‘70s Show” star Wilmer Valderrama bailed out of girlfriend Lindsay Lohan’s music video for her upcoming single “Rumors” at the last minute, purportedly because he wants the audience to fantasize that they could be the guy dancing with her (wow, thanks dude) . . . Lindsay Lohan & “Star Trek” vet William Shatner are among the celebs signed to ‘Say Something Ketchuppy’ for quotes on limited-edition Heinz ketchup bottles (hers will say ‘Burger-licious’, his ‘Fixes Burgers at Warp Speed’ … poetry, ain’t it?).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Tracy Chapman – TONIGHT in Portland OR she begins a 5-date tour in 4 so-called swing states, “Western Swing: An Evening with Tracy Chapman”, in an effort to get out the vote for the upcoming election.
• Josh Gracin – The former “American Idol” contestant & US Marine has finished his military service and is back on country charts with his 2nd single, “Nothin’ to Lose”.
• Christina Aguilera – She’ll host a new MTV documentary – about sexual abstinence! “Sex, Votes and Higher Power” will air NEXT WEEK.
• Madonna – She says her Kabbalah pilgrimage to Israel was a ‘smashing success’, despite the fact she was dogged night and day by the media. (Hey, why else would you go?)
• Alicia Keys – SATURDAY she’s scheduled to participate in the “Wall of Hope – China 2004″ concert, the first international pop music concert to be held at the Great Wall of China, which will benefit the China Children & Teenager’s Fund. About 10,000 are expected to attend the invitation-only event, which will be taped for international broadcast.
• Jessi Alexander – While struggling to make a living as a country singer, the “Make Me Stay or Make Me Go” singer worked in a factory repairing power tools, at a car auction, and with Alzheimer’s patients, then Warner Chappell hired her to write songs and actually get paid for it.
• 50 Cent – He’s set to make his movie debut in the semi-autobiographical film “Locked and Loaded”, expected out in 2005 or 2006.
• Elton John – He’s hinting he wants to retire from touring so he can spend more time with boyfriend David Furnish. (How’s he gonna fund all those shopping sprees?)

OPENING IN THEATERS TODAY:
• “First Daughter” (PG Romantic Comedy) – Katie Holmes stars as the 18-year-old daughter of a US President (Michael Keaton) who heads off to college where she falls for a graduate student with a secret – he’s an undercover Secret Service agent. This is much, much different from JANUARY’S “Chasing Liberty”, in which Mandy Moore played the 18-year-old daughter of a US President (Mark Harmon) who falls in love with a handsome stranger – who also happens to be working undercover for her father. That one took place in Europe.
• “Shaun of the Dead” (R-rated Horror Comedy): No-name Brit comedy about a group of friends hanging at their local pub for a night of drinking and conversation who find themselves thrown into a battle against hell-bent zombies. SPOILER: All the names of the characters give some clue to their eventual fate, such as a rhyme (if you use an English accent): ‘Shaun’ is re-born, ‘Liz’ lives, ‘Ed’ is dead, ‘Dave’ ends up in the grave, ‘Di’ dies, ‘Barbara’ ends up a cadaver, ‘Yvonne’ has moved on.
• “The Forgotten” (PG-13 Thriller): Julianne Moore plays a mother struggling to cope with the disappearance of her 8-year-old son, only to have her therapist claim she never had a son at all and that she’s fabricating the memories.

SAY IT WITH FLOWERS … LITERALLY:
Looking to make some marks with someone special? The ‘Speaking Roses’ Website has patented a process that allows you to print anything you want – on a flower. For a fee ranging from $50 to $100, you can have ‘personalized flowers’ shipped within 24 hours. The arrangement can be personalized with any picture and any written message you provide … even a corporate logo or slogan. (Hmmm … maybe even call letters?)
PHONER: 866.400.7673
NET: http://speakingroses.com
– ABC News

BORDEAUX BATH:
People who want more body in their wine can now immerse themselves in Bordeaux at a new wine spa in southwest France. Guests at the ‘Springs of Caudalia’ health spa are also massaged with wine sauce and hosed down by a jet of $20-a-bottle claret. (Yummers, wine out of a hose … how elegant.)
– “Social Studies”

DEAR E-JOHN:
It used to be when you wanted to brush off unwanted advances in a bar or club you’d hand the obnoxious guy a napkin with the wrong phone number on it and tell him to call you. Now, you can give him an e-mail address from PaperNapkin.net. When the annoying guy e-mails, he’ll automatically get a ‘Dear John’ reply that says “If you got this e-mail address, it wasn’t an accident … you’ve definitely been rejected.” You can use any name you want followed by @PaperNapkin.net and it’ll work automatically.
NET: http://papernapkin.net

WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• A woman has been killed  in a small town in southern Italy by a 7-ft metal crucifix accidentally falling on her head. (Someone trying to tell you something, lady?)
•  A grocer in India, sick of his 30-year-old wife’s whining about his paltry pay, has allegedly used a kitchen cleaver to chop off her tongue. (Now she’s nagging that there’s “stuh naw enuth mawey tuh gaw awoun”.)
• Avant garde Seattle artist Amy Ellen Trefsger has married herself – or at least her creative personality whom she names ‘Flat-Chested-Mama’ – by saying ‘I do’ to her own reflection in a mirror. In a bow to tradition, her father gave her away. (How do you divorce? Bust the morror?)
NET: http://www.flatchestedmama.com
• A Belgian woman first realized something must be really wrong when her husband noticed a piece of wire – sticking out of her neck! A subsequent medical examination showed she needed an immediate operation to remove nearly 15 inches of surgical wire mistakenly left in her stomach during a previous procedure! (Yeah okay … but how’d it get from her stomach to her neck? It’s alive! Alive!!!!)

FOR THE RECORD:
SATURDAY thousands of fans at a Wilfrid Laurier University Golden Hawks homecoming football game in Waterloo ON will be asked to participate in an unusual world-record bid – most people simultaneously sitting on whoopee cushions. The goal is 7,000 rear ends on 7,000 whoopee cushions all at once in the same location. The current “Guinness Book of Records” mark for simultaneous whoopee was set by 1,372 people in Britain. (Try to put together SFX for this?)

BEST FILMS THAT NEVER WON ‘BEST PICTURE’ OSCARS:
1. “The Shawshank Redemption” (1994)
2. “It’s A Wonderful Life” (1946)
3. “ET The Extra-Terrestrial” (1982)
4. “2001: A Space Odyssey” (1968)
5. “The Great Escape” (1963)
– New poll for “Radio Times”.

AND WE QUOTE:
“I just want to get wasted, dance and hang out.”
– Avril Lavigne, who also tells “Maxim” magazine her fave drink is a double shot of Grey Goose vodka on the rocks. (See ya soon in rehab, babe!)

THE BULL SHEET 09.24.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [56] Gordon Clapp, North Conway NH, TV actor (‘Detective Greg Medavoy’ on “NYPD Blue” since 1994)  FACTOID: The show is now in its final season.

1962 [42] Nia Vardalos, Winnipeg MB, movie actress/screenwriter (“My Big Fat Greek Wedding”)/short-time TV actress (“My Big Fat Greek Life”)

1969 [35] Marty Mitchell, Trenton NJ, country musician (Ricochet-“Daddy’s Money”, “Blink of an Eye”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [73] Barbara Walters, Boston MA, retiring TV journalist (“20/20″ 1978-2004)/1st female network news anchor (“ABC Evening News” 1976-1978)/news magazine host (“The Today Show” on NBC-TV 1961-1976)/TV Hall of Fame (1990)

1944 [60] Michael Douglas, New Brunswick NJ, movie actor (“Traffic”, Oscar-“Wall Street”)/producer (Oscar-“One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)”/Mr Catherine Zeta-Jones since 2000

1961 [43] Heather Locklear, Westwood CA, TV actress (‘Harley Random’ on the new NBC-TV airport drama “LAX”, “Spin City”, “Melrose Place”)/Mrs Richie Samboro since 1994/ex-Mrs Tommy Lee (1986-93)

1962 [42] Aida Turturro, NYC, TV actress (‘Tony Soprano’s’ sister ‘Janice’ on “The Sopranos” since 2000)

1963 [41] Tate Donovan, Tenafly NJ, TV actor (‘Jimmy Cooper’ on “The OC” since 2003)

1969 [35] Catherine Zeta-Jones, Swansea WALES, movie actress (Oscar-“Chicago”, “The Mask of Zorro”)/Mrs Michael Douglas since 2000  COMING UP: The sequels “Ocean’s 12″ and “Legend of Zorro”.

1968 [36] Will Smith, Philadelphia PA, movie actor (“I, Robot”, “Men In Black 1 & 2″)/pop-rap artist (“Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”)/Mr Jada Pinkett since 1997  UP NEXT: Voices ‘Oscar’ in the animated Disney film “Shark Tale”, opening OCTOBER 1st.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY “Yom Kippor”, the Jewish “Holy Day of Atonement”, begins at sundown and continues through tomorrow.

TODAY is “Native American Day”, observed annually on the 4th Friday in September.

SATURDAY is “One-Hit Wonder Day”, originally sponsored by “One Shot Magazine” to honor musicians who made it big only once before fading into obscurity. There’s nothing like a one-hit wonder to zap some spice into the daily bland regimen of tight-rotation playlists. For an artist & title list, try these sites …
NET: http://www.dogpound.biz/onehit.html
NET: http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/the_greatest/62177/episode.jhtml

SUNDAY is “National Food Service Employees Day”, in recognition of those dedicated folks who slop your plate full. So here’s a look at …
BS SIGNS YOU’VE GOT A BAD SERVER:
• After presenting food, says, “Good luck.”
• Asks if you want your fork ‘spit-shined’.
• You suddenly realize it’s the water that’s amber-colored, not the glass.
• You ask for a napkin and your server says, “Oooh, who’s Mister Fancy?”
• You discover one of your burritos is a rolled-up Ace bandage.
• When you order just a salad, she says, “Hey, we got ourselves a sissy here!”
• You complain about a hair in your soup and he says, “That’s OK, it’s ‘split pea & hamster’.”

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1991 [13] Nirvana album “Nevermind” released (some call it one of the most significant albums of all-time)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1927 [77] Toronto ‘St Patricks’ hockey club 1st uses name ‘Maple Leafs’

1968 [36] 1st edition of “60 Minutes”, TV’s longest running news magazine, with Harry Reasoner & Mike Wallace (who was 50 at the time and is still working part-time today!)

1979 [25] 1st ‘online service’ (CompuServe, later absorbed by AOL)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1984 [20] ‘Longest Recorded Kiss’ sets “Guinness Record” at 17 days, 10.5 hours (Eddie Levin & Delphine Crha in Chicago IL)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] National Comic Book Day
[Sat] Hunting & Fishing Day
[Mon] Ancestor Appreciation Day
[Mon] World Tourism Day
[Tues] Ask A Stupid Question Day
[Tues] Family Health & Fitness Day
This Week Is … Banned Books Week
This Month Is … Be Kind to Writers & Editors Month (by renewing your BS subscription!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Why do traffic lights have the red light on top?
A: Experts say they were likely originally designed that way so the red is first to be seen by a driver as the car approaches the top of a hill.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Ever notice public television is only ‘commercial-free’ during those short periods of time when they’re not begging for money?
• Who the hell invented the walkie-talkie cellphone? Now we have to listen to not one a–hole, but two!
• Musical chairs … because kids don’t already have a tough enough time feeling left out.

BS INTERVIEW:
‘Ultimate Christian Wrestling’ is a loose network of professional and semi-professional wrestlers who tour around alternating grappling bouts with testimony, gospel and prayer.
PHONER: 770.713.6367 (Rob Adonis)

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Which would you rather go without – your TV or your telephone?
• Where’s the most unusual place you’ve done the nasty?
• You can either rescue your spouse or your child – which would you choose?

TOP SWAPS:
The week’s most requested music files online …
1. Nelly – “My Place”
2. Maroon 5 – “She Will Be Loved”
3. Ciara – “Goodies”
4. Lil’ Flip – “Sunshine”
5. Akon – “Locked Up”
– BigChampagne online music measurement.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 13% of us spend at least 5 minutes a day doing THIS at work.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Looking for another job.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If all is not lost, where the hell is it?