September 25, 2003

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Thursday, September 25, 2003        Edition: #2630
Sheet For Brains!

TONIGHT Shania Twain kick-starts her 1st world concert tour in 3 years at Copps Coliseum in Hamilton ON (other Canadian dates include Ottawa September 27, Toronto October 2, Calgary December 4, Edmonton December 5, Vancouver December 7) . . . 61-year-old Barbra Streisand tells “Reader’s Digest” she finds listening to her own songs so boring it was one of the reasons she gave up public performances 3 years ago (wow, and I thought we had nothing in common) . . . Seems she’s as good a writer as she is an actress – fewer than 9,000 copies of Madonna’s kid’s book “The English Roses” were sold in its 1st week of publication . . . Rumor has it Arnold Schwarzenegger’s campaign flunkies are scrambling to prevent fully nude pics taken by controversial late photographer Robert Mapplethorpe from seeing the light of day . . . Meantime, perhaps to look more like an environmentalist, Schwarzenegger is spending 21-grand having one of his many Hummers overhauled to run on hydrogen . . . Rockers Linkin Park have been warned they won’t be allowed to scream, jump around or wear shorts onstage during their upcoming concert in Malaysia . . . Aging rocker David Lee Roth has cancelled the rest of his current tour after injuring himself performing ‘a very fast, complicated 15th-century samurai move’ during a recent performance (translation – the geezer threw his back out) . . . MTV has decided to pull the plug on “The New Tom Green Show”, thanks to sagging ratings (well at least he has his movie career to fall back on … er, maybe not) . . . They met on the set of “Underworld” and now star Kate Beckinsale & director Len Wiseman are planning to wed as soon as their heavy schedule promoting the film is finished . . . “Frasier” star Kelsey Grammar says he may run for the US Senate at some point in the future . . . Rocker Jon Bon Jovi is now co-owner of the Philadelphia Soul, an expansion Arena Football League team that will begin play NEXT SEASON . . . And the 4-bedroom Manhattan townhouse owned by late screen legend Katharine Hepburn is now on the market for $4.95 million – she bought it in 1937 for $27,500.

Here comes yet another vintage TV show to the bigscreen – ‘80s detective series “Magnum PI” is being developed as a feature film, but there’s no word if 58-year-old former star Tom Selleck will be involved. So here’s a good topic to argue – what’s the worst movie based on a TV show ever made? A few suggestions from the past decade –
• “The Avengers” (1998)
• “Charlie’s Angels 2″ (2003)
• “Wild Wild West” (1999)
• “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie” (1995)
• “Wyatt Earp” (1994)
• “McHale’s Navy” (1997)
• “Dudley Do-Right” (1999)
• “From Justin to Kelly” (2003)

A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … unhappy people are better workers than cheerful ones. A Norwegian study finds that depressed employees tend to be less confident, and therefore use more creativity to look deeper for solutions. (Problem is, they’re also more likely to off their co-workers with an Uzi.)
• Scientists say … that swearing may actually be a healthy habit. University of Florida research suggests it can provide instant release from stress. (For the swearer maybe, but not the swearee.)
• Scientists say … being lazy extends your life. According to doctor-couple Peter & Michaela Axt of Germany, the body has a limited amount of energy to be used over a lifetime. So they advise that composure, contentedness, moderation, and even laziness may be the keys to a healthy, productive and successful life. (In other words, take a chill pill!)

Highlights of the 2003 Global Sex Survey of 150,000 people by condom maker Durex –
• The global frequency of sex is declining, with the world average falling from 139 to 127 times per year. Hungarians enjoy the busiest sex lives, averaging 152 times annually. Singapore ranks last at 96 times a year. American frequency averages 118.
• 73% of people worldwide say they are happy with their sex lives. The most contented are in Thailand (92%).
• 45% of people worldwide have had one-night stands, with Vietnamese being most likely (75%), followed closely by Icelanders (71%).
• Americans lead the world in ‘virtual reality’ sex with 54% admiting they’ve had sex via phone, e-mail or text message.
• Australia has the world’s highest proportion of same-sex relationships, with more than 17% in gay or lesbian relationships.

For almost a year, the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association has been marketing ‘cheeseburger fries’, a deep-fried mixture of ground beef, cheese & breading. Now the association’s Research & Development Ranch is working on cheeseburger fries in various flavors such as jalapeno, bacon barbecue and Philly cheese steak. They’re hoping the innovations will do for beef sales what Chicken McNuggets did for chicken. The bad news – each ‘fry’ contains about 75 calories and a whopping 4 grams of fat. A serving normally includes 5 fries. (And comes with a defibrilator.)

London UK fitness center Gymbox has launched a new fitness class called ‘Boob Aerobics’, a 3-step process that instructor Richard Hilton claims will increase the bust by at least 2 inches and 1 cup size after just 8 classes. The workout includes major pectoral exercises, bench presses and sit-ups. Hilton claims the healthy way to develop a bigger bust is all about sweat not surgery. (Naw, it’s about wadded up Kleenex.)

High-end nail-care company OPI is now marketing nail polish – for dogs. ‘Pawlish’ is said to be quick-drying, nontoxic and thick, so it only requires one coat (truly necessary if you own a Rottweiler). And when it starts to chip, OPI comes to the rescue with ‘It’s Dog Gone! Pawlish Remover’ and ‘Paw Pads Wipes’. (My dog’s favorite shade is ‘Squirrel Blood Red’.)

According to the OCTOBER edition of an Italian Roman Catholic monthly magazine, a new directive from the Vatican will clamp down on so-called abuses of the traditional Catholic mass. Among the no-nos – no applause in church, no ‘self-serve’ communion, no non-Biblical language such as poetry, no dancing in the aisles, and altar boys are still preferred to altar girls (uh, by whom?). (Nice to see the church adapting to a new century … the 12th.)

Pensacola, Florida judge William White has been passing out an unusual sentence to drivers convicted of DUI – a bumper sticker they must place on their rear bumper which reads “How’s my driving?” followed by a toll-free number and “The judge wants to know!!!”. (How about a radio station sticker that asks listeners to call in and report GOOD drivers?)

California has just passed what may be the toughest anti-spam law anywhere. It covers all unsolicited commercial e-mail sent or received in California and imposes fines of up to $1 million – per incident! It not only applies to companies that distribute spam, but also the companies whose products & services are being advertised. (But how else will we find out about the latest advances in ‘enhancement surgery’?)

The “Guinness Book of World Records” has declared a Bassett hound from Southwick, England is the dog with the ‘world’s longest ears’. ‘Mr Jeffries’, whose full name is ‘Knightsfollie Ladiesman’, has ears that measure 29.2 cm (11.49 inches). He comes by the title honestly – his late grandfather ‘Biggles’, who was the face of Hush Puppies shoes, previously held the record.

Web-filtering company N2H2 estimates that 260 million porn pages now exist on the Internet. (We’re surprised … that’s all?)


1931 [72] Barbara Walters, Boston MA, $12-million-a-year ABC-TV anchor (“20/20”, “The View”)/1st woman to co-host network TV news

1933 [70] Ian Tyson, Victoria BC, legendary Canadian folk/country singer (Ian & Sylvia-“Four Strong Winds”)

1944 [59] Michael Douglas, New Brunswick NJ, movie actor/director/producer (“Traffic”, “The American President”, Academy Award-“Wall Street”)/Mr Catherine Zeta-Jones since 2000

1952 [51] Christopher Reeve, NYC, movie actor (“Superman”) who was paralyzed in riding mishap and is now a proponent of stem cell & spinal chord research

1961 [42] Heather Locklear, Westwood CA, TV actress (“Spin City” 1999-2002, “Melrose Place” 1993-99)/Mrs Richie Samboro since 1994/Mrs Tommy Lee 1986-94

1962 [41] Aida Turturro, NYC, TV actress (Tony’s sister Janice Soprano-“The Sopranos”)

1968 [35] Will Smith, Philadelphia PA, movie actor (“Bad Boys 1 & 2″, “Ali”, “Men In Black 1 & 2”)/former rapper (“Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”)/Mr Jada Pinkett since 1997

1969 [34] Catherine Zeta-Jones, Swansea WALES, movie actress (Supporting Actress Oscar-“Chicago”, “Traffic”)/Mrs Michael Douglas (25 years younger)  UP NEXT: Co-stars with George Clooney in the Coen Bros’ romantic comedy “Intolerable Cruelty”, opening OCTOBER 10th.

TODAY is –
• “One Hit Wonders Day”
• “National Comic Book Day”

TODAY-Sunday festivities surrounding the 1st-ever “Western Canadian Music Awards” (formerly “Prairie Music Awards”) get underway in Regina SK. As well as artists from the prairie provinces, the new format will recognize those from BC and the Yukon. Swollen Members lead the list of nominees with 4 nominations. The 4-day event includes two award shows.

1954 [49] Cleveland Indians become ‘winningest team in MLB history’ with 111th victory

1965 [38] 60-year-old Satchel Paige becomes ‘oldest-ever MLB player’ (pitches 3 scoreless innings for KC)

1965 [38] At 34, Willie Mays becomes ‘oldest MLB player to hit 50 home runs’ (what’s amazing is – 10 years before he became the youngest to accomplish the same feat)

[Fri] Food Service Employees Day
[Sat] World Tourism Day
[Sun] Ask A Stupid Question Day
[Sun] Hunting & Fishing Day
[Mon] National Goose Day
This Week is – Religious Freedom Week (isn’t that an oxymoron?)
This Month is – Organic Harvest Month (when farmers pick the ripe kidneys and livers)

Guys are such dolts when it comes to picking up on clues. So here’s a handy guide to …

10. She keeps glancing over.
9. She smiles at you.
8. She goes out of her way to get you to notice her.
7. She plays with her hair.
6. She initiates conversation.
5. She laughs at your jokes.
4. She asks if you like certain activities.
3. She pays you a compliment.
2. She makes sexual comments.
1. She touches you.
(Bonus: She’s wearing your shirt.)

Newborn infants … 17-18 hours per day.
Age 4-8 … 10-12 hours per day.
Age 10-12 … 9-10 hours per day.
Adolescents … 7.5 hours per day.
Middle Age … 7 hours per day.
Old Age … 6-6.5 hours per day.
(Think young – sleep more!)
Source: “Asleep In The Fast Lane” by Lydia Dotto)

• I was doing some home renovations on the weekend so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get along with my real ladder.
• I had lunch with a chess master yesterday. I knew he was a chess master because it took him 18 minutes to pass the salt.

Today’s Question: If you do THIS for a living, your chances of having a heart attack double.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Drive a cab.

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

Leave a comment