Wednesday, September 17, 2003        Edition: #2624
If You Cant Dazzle Them with Brilliance, Baffle Them with Bull!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT CBS-TV/Global kicks off “Survivor: Pearl Islands” leaving the 16 new contestants marooned off the coast of Panama in a region famous for its pirates (a Website is already picking marketing exec ‘Burton’ & mother-of-twins ‘Trish’ as 5-1 co-favorites to win and massage therapist Nicole as 5-8 favorite for being booted off first) . . . “Playboy” magazine is planning to do a future layout on ‘The Women of Wal-Mart’ and is currently screening candidates (no please, not the greeter!) . . . The only ‘celebrities’ at Michael Jackson’s weekend ‘open house’ at Neverland Ranch – Mike Tyson, and Nick & Aaron Carter . . . 27-year-old Irish actor Colin Farrell tops “In Touch” magazine’s ranking of Hollywood’s top ‘Party Animals’, ahead of Sharon Stone, Ashton Kutcher & Justin Timberlake . . . Think those celebs end up in the front row at fashion shows because they’re actually interested? Word has it Beyonce Knowles and former Mr J-Lo, Chris Judd, got upwards of $25,000 apiece to attend a designer show during NYC’s “Fashion Week” . . . And word has it Ben Affleck’s been party-hopping with a trio of attractive femmes … in J-Lo’s Rolls-Royce … the one he gave her as an engagement gift (OK then, it really IS over).

BS BUZZWORDS:
New terms that are leaking into our lingo –
• ‘Screenagers’ – Today’s technology-savvy kids that seem to always be mesmerized by a screen of some sort – cellphone, laptop, GameBoy … sometimes even TV.
• ‘Open-Air Conference Room’ – An area outside a building where employees gather to grab a quick smoke. (“I really want to talk about that. Let’s take a meeting in the open-air conference room.”)
• ‘Bunk’ – Really bad, aggravating, boring, stupid, etc. (“This town is bunk, there’s nothing to do.”)

SCIENTISTS SAY:
A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … that a study of students who play in school bands shows that learning a musical instrument can help improve memory. (For example, band students are more likely to remember what it’s like to spend the day stuffed in a locker.)
• Scientists say … women really do think differently from men. British researchers have discovered that women’s brains are genetically different from men’s and have a unique in-built system for recognizing other people’s emotions. (This may explain a woman’s ‘intuition’.)
• Scientists say … they’ve found life-extending substances in red wine, peanuts and certain plants, fruits and vegetables. Harvard Medical School researchers say a group of molecules called ‘sirtuins’ have been shown to lengthen the life of yeast cells by up to 80%. (Well there’s what we need – longer-lasting yeast infections!)

ABSOLUTE WORST JOBS IN SCIENCE:
5. ‘Carcass Cleaner’
4. ‘Prison Rape Researcher’
3. ‘Barnyard Masturbator’ (collects animal semen for artificial insemination)
2. ‘Dysentery Stool-Sample Analyzer’
1. ‘Flatus Odor Judge’ (analyzes human gas emissions)
Source: New listing in “Popular Science” magazine.

AVERAGE HOURS WORKED PER WEEK:
Independent Consultants . . . 63
Sales Managers . . . 50
Truck Drivers (on local delivery) . . . 49
Outside Sales Reps . . . 47
Inside Sales Reps . . . 46
Warehouse Workers . . . 45
Bankers (including clerical staff) . . . 44
Administrative Support Staff . . . 44
(Hey, you missed – On-Air Personalities . . . 20, Radio Sales Reps . . . 3)
Source: Pace Productivity

BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• A British couple have decided to remove their 7-year-old chess prodigy from school and home-school him so he’ll have more time to practise chess. (When asked if he would miss his friends the boy said, “What are friends?”)
• The food section of the Galeries Lafayettes department store in Paris is turning Thursdays into an evening for romance. Single shoppers will be identified by baskets decorated with a
cartoon of a kissing couple, and offered a glass of champagne and free photo if they succeed in finding a potential mate. (“When you are finished checking out the melons, monsieur, perhaps we could attempt some eye contact?”)
• South African police are searching for an escaped prisoner – with no legs. He’d been serving a 10-year sentence for fraud but somehow managed to get out of a Durban prison hospital 2 months ago. Local reports say he’s still ‘on the run’ and the police are ‘stumped’. (He’s likely just bumming around on a beach somewhere.)

WACKY WEED WEALLY WEALLY WOTTEN:
Some of the first patients to smoke Canada’s new government-approved medicinal marijuana say it’s ‘disgusting’, ‘unsuitable for human consumption’ and they want their money back – about $195 for a 1-ounce bag plus taxes. The weed is grown for Health Canada deep underground in a vacant mine in Flin Flon, Manitoba by a company called Prairie Plant Systems. The contract is worth about $7.5 million. (Well, there’s the solution on how to get people to quit smoking. Have the government make cigarettes!)

THIS BAND KILLS:
Industrial rock band Hell On Earth will feature a ‘live suicide’ at their performance in St Petersburg FL OCTOBER 4th. An anonymous Euthanasia Society member will carry out the suicide to raise awareness for dying with dignity. The Euthanasia member, who suffers from a terminal illness, is using the event as a platform to help make back-street suicides a thing of the past. (We’re trend-setters here – we die on this show every morning.)

FUNNY MONEY:
North Carolina cops are searching for a guy who successfully paid for $150 worth of groceries at a Roanoke Rapids supermarket with a – $200 bill bearing George W Bush’s portrait and a drawing of the White House complete with lawn signs reading ‘We like ice cream’ and ‘USA deserves a tax cut’. Remarkably, the cashier accepted the counterfeit note and gave the man $50 change. (We’re guessing she won’t have her pic taken for the ‘Employee of the Month’ sign.)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• The #1 baby name for boys in Canada is now ‘Ethan’, according to “Cool Names for Babies” author Linda Rosenkrantz.
• Only 33% of the people who can twitch their ears can twitch just one at a time.
• 15% of us actually prefer our pizza cold.
• Texans & New Yorkers are the most likely to be stressed while Californians & Floridians are the most likely to be laid back.

THE BULL SHEET 09.17.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [58] Phil Jackson, Deer Lodge MT, NBA coach (2 NBA Championships-LA Lakers, 6 championships- Chicago Bulls)/former NBA player (2 championships -NY Knicks)

1948 [D-9/11/03] John Ritter, Burbank CA, TV actor (“8 Simple Rules [For Dating My Teenage Daughter]”, Emmy Award-“Three’s Company” 1977-84)/movie actor (”Slingblade”)

1962 [41] Baz Luhrmann, Sydney AUS, movie director (“Moulin Rouge”)

1970 [33] Mark Brunell, LA CA, NFL QB (Jacksonville Jaguars)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Day of Peace”, when people all over the world are encouraged to join together to bring peace to our hearts and our planet. (If this works, it would be the first day of world peace in history.)

FRIDAY the 17-day “Niagara Wine Festival” begins in the Niagara Wine Country of Ontario. The area is renowned for its ‘ice wines’.
PHONER: 905-688-0212 (Gerry Ginsberg)
NET: http://www.grapeandwine.com

TODAY is “American Citizenship Day” (aka “Constitution Day” and “I Am An American Day”) focusing on the rights and responsibilities of American citizens. The choice of September 17 for this observance commemorates the date in 1787 when the US Constitution was signed in Philadelphia and celebrates the oldest working constitution in the world. Originally designed to recognize those who became American citizens during the past year, it’s now observed to honor both native-born and naturalized foreign-born citizens in the United States.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1999 [04] Celine Dion receives star on ‘Canada’s Walk of Fame’ in Toronto

1999 [04] Eminem’s mother files $10-million lawsuit against him, claiming he made defamatory remarks in several interviews (he retaliates with “Cleanin’ Out My Closet”)

1 YEAR AGO . . .
2002 John Ritter sitcom “8 Simple Rules” premieres on ABC-TV

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1920 [83] NFL 1st organized in Canton OH as 12 teams pay a fee of $100 each to obtain franchises (by contrast, the Houston Texans franchise cost $700 MILLION!)

1974 [29] 4 women swear oaths of allegiance to RCMP to become 1st female ‘Mounties’

1975 [28] 1st-ever ‘playing president’ of a sports franchise (Gordie Howe with the Houston Aeros of the World Hockey Association. Of course now, with Mario Lemieux, we have the 1st ‘playing owner’.)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Play-Doh Day
[Fri] Talk Like a Pirate Day
[Sun] 55th Primetime Emmy Awards
[Sun] Miniature Golf Day
[Mon] National Centenarians Day
This Week is – Farm Animals Awareness Week (hey, what’s that pungent aroma?)
This Month is – Humor in Business Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
YOU MIGHT BE SINGLE IF…
• You use a glue gun to adjust the length of your pants.
• You eat frozen pizza … without microwaving it.
• You sniff your clothes to see if you can get through one more day without doing the laundry.
• You’ve often wondered how many empty beer cans constitutes a ‘collection’.
• You’ve never eaten a meal at home that wasn’t in a disposable container.
• The last time you cleaned the house was when you moved in.
(Ask listeners to contribute more!)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• There are only 2 things little kids will share willingly – communicable diseases and their mother’s age.
• I have become addicted to counseling. Does anyone know where I can get treatment?
• My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already.

BUNGLING BANK ROBBERS:
76% of bank robbers use no disguise.
86% never study the bank before robbing it.
95% make no long-range plans for concealing the loot.
Source: “How Not To Rob A Bank” by Tim Clark.

CHECKERED TUNES:
Try spell-checking song lyrics (get them at http://www.lyricsondemand.com), replacing supposed ‘errors’ with the first (or maybe 5th) word suggested by your word processing program. Then attempt to sing the ‘corrected’ version.

BS BEAT THE TOASTER:
Before the toaster pops in 15 seconds (SFX), name 5 –
• Canadian cities that start with ‘S’.
• Breakfast cereals.
• Nicknames for a heavy person.
• Annoying things your spouse/partner does.
• Worst things to clean.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Given a choice, which province would you most like to live in?”
• “How many days per week do you feel like you accomplished what you set out to do that morning?”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Hard to believe but 1 in 4 of us have never done THIS.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Flown in an airplane.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you enjoy what you do, you’ll never work another day in your life. – Confucius