Monday, September 16, 2003        Edition: #2623
Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription or You’ll Be Sheet Outta Luck!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT on the 2-hour finale of “Canadian Idol”, Ben Mulroney will announce whether Ryan Malcolm or Gary Beals has won the title and a recording contract (bring back Billy!) . . . Beyonce Knowles is starting her own clothing line to hit stores by Christmas with the help of her mother Tina, who outfits Destiny’s Child (they’ll have low overhead ‘cause they won’t have to spend much on cloth) . . . You gotta love this guy – Austrialian actor Heath Ledger (“Monster’s Ball”) says he’s so sick of being ‘pimped’ and ‘whored’ by Hollywood agents he’s decided to make his own decisions from now on, based solely on making challenging movies (Quote: “I don’t need to buy a hundred homes and 50 cars. I plan to have a long career.”) . . . Snoop Dogg is now coaching his young son’s football team, the Rowland Heights Raiders (“Red eagle 2, uh huh, das f-ing right, heavy 15 one-time, das what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, hut hut hut”) . . . Word is Celine Dion has been forced to dump the elaborate entrance to her Las Vegas show in which she flies on-stage on an invisible wire due to – a hernia problem (probably caused by those excruciating high notes) . . . “Bruce Almighty” is the year’s top selection by hotel room guests, followed by “The Matrix: Reloaded” (and “Busty Bangkok Bangers”) . . . See if you can spot him – Johnny Depp loved working on “Once Upon A Time In Mexico” so much that when he finished shooting his role as ‘Sands’ he begged director Robert Rodriguez to also let him play a minor second role as the priest in the confessional scene.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Anger Management” (Comedy – DVD): Adam Sandler plays a mild-mannered businessman wrongly sentenced to attend an anger management program run by an unorthodox and very aggressive therapist played by Jack Nicholson.
• “Run Ronnie Run!” (Comedy – straight-to-DVD/VHS): Based on the ‘Ronnie Dobbs’ character from the HBO series “Mr Show”, David Cross plays the unemployed, mullet-haired slacker who spends his days drinking beer with his buddies who, through an odd set of events, is offered his own TV show.
• And there’s a new 2-disc ‘Collector’s Edition’ of the comedy classic “Monty Python & the Holy Grail”, which former Python trouper Eric Idle has just announced he’s adapting as a musical for Broadway to open in 2005. The working title – “Spamalot”.

ALL-TIME MOST-HATED TV CHARACTERS:
Start your own argument over this list –
3. ‘Steve Urkel’ (Jaleel White on “Family Matters”)
2. ‘Diane Chambers’ (Shelley Long on “Cheers”)
1. ‘Tanner Family’ (Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, John Stamos & the Olsen twins rank equally obnoxious on “Full House”)
Source: New “FHM” magazine ranking.

WHEW! IS ROVER NERVOUS AGAIN?
British scientists have developed a special dog collar that releases a reassuring smell which
they hope will calm panicky pooches when they’re stressed. (Isn’t the last thing you want from your dog – the release of additional smells?)

MILK FROM HOPS:
Russian teacher Yuri Shmakov is attempting to start a new business by breeding rabbits to – produce milk. He says his first experiments produced a high-fat milk which tastes like cream. Each doe rabbit produces about a glass of milk a day and he estimates 25 bunnies could produce as much as a dairy cow. (How do you do this … with tweezers?)

HEY, QUIT SMOKING MY CAR:
University of Toronto chemical engineer Dr Mohini Sain and Ford Motor Co are developing technology to replace the sheet metal and fiberglass used to build vehicles with natural fiber materials or ‘biocomposites’ – such as hemp. Sain says hemp absorbs energy because of its springy characteristic, so it could help make vehicles more crash-resistant. Biocomposites are already being used to make patio furniture and shingles, and may be used in the future for crash helmets, skateboards and canoes. (I’m way out ahead on this. Back in high school, I made a lamp out of a piece of driftwood. Or was it the other way around?)

PEPPERONI & BUBBLES:
An Italian cosmetics manufacturer has created a new line of bath products that smell like – pizza. Florence’s Ducio Cresci is marketing ‘Experimenta’ products that include pizza bubble bath, soap and body lotion. They’re made from natural ingredients and contain tomato extract plus oils from basil and oregano. (This is gonna go over about as well as Tuna Cologne.)

HANDY PART YOU HAVE:
A new study in the journal “Nature” finds that over 95% of people who are right-handed (and still have hair) tend to comb their hair clockwise on their heads. On the other hand, lefties and ambidextrous people are equally likely to comb it either way. (Time for an in-studio inspection to see if this holds up!)

REASONS TO CALL THE WEDDING OFF:
Relationship expert Julie Komorn says there are several legitimate reasons that a couple should call a wedding off, or at least seek professional help. Among them –
• Addiction to drugs, alcohol, or gambling.
• Cheating, stealing, or dishonesty.
• Physical or emotional abuse.
• Unpleasant or hurtful sex, or sexual preferences that are different from what you were led to believe.
• Conflicting religious beliefs that cannot be resolved.
• Differing opinions about having children that cannot be resolved.
• Opposing attitudes about spending money.
(Hey, she forgot about ‘the bride is a self-centered megalomaniac who insists on an outlandishly expensive, high-profile wedding even though she knows it will be hounded by the press’.)

BS SHOCKING FACT:
According to new stats published in “Brides” magazine, the average wedding now costs a bit over $22,000. The average wedding 40 years ago – $3,500! (J-Lo spent more than that on white doves.)

THE BULL SHEET 09.16.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [79] Lauren Bacall (Betty Joan Perske), NYC, screen legend (“Key Largo”)/Humphrey Bogart’s widow  MOST FAMOUS MOVIE LINE: “You remember how to whistle, don’t you? Just put your lips together and blow” (when Bogie died in 1957 she had a gold whistle buried with him, inscribed “If you want anything, just whistle.”)

1925 [78] (Riley) BB King, Itta Bena MS, blues legend (“The Thrill is Gone”)  QUOTE: “About 15 times, a lady has said ‘It’s either me or Lucille (his guitar).’ That’s why I’ve had 15 children by 15 women.”

1956 [47] David Copperfield (Kotkin), Metuchen NJ, illusionist/Claudia Schiffer’s former fiancé

1956 [47] Mickey Rourke, Schenectady NY, movie actor (“Once Upon a Time in Mexico”, “Nine 1/2 Weeks”)

1969 [34] Marc Anthony (Marco Antonio Muniz), NYC, pop singer (“You Sang To Me”, “I Need to Know”)

1982 [21] Alexis Bledel, Houston TX, TV actress (Rory Gilmore -“Gilmore Girls”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Women’s Friendship Day”, encouraging more interaction and communication between females in the hope of developing lasting friendships. (Only a really tacky and tasteless guy would ask, “Hey, can I watch?”)

TODAY is “Collect Rocks Day”, either a celebration of the hobby of gem & mineral collecting or a salute to the many marital adventures of Elizabeth Taylor.

TODAY is ”National Working Parents Day”. Isn’t parenting work in itself?

TODAY is “International Day for Preservation of the Ozone Layer”, as declared by the UN.

THIS WEEK is “Build a Better Image Week”, dedicated to evaluating your current image, at home and in the workplace, and taking the necessary actions to improve it. A better self-image projects self-confidence.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1979 [24] 1st ‘rap record’ released (Sugar Hill Gang-“Rapper’s Delight”)

1988 [15] Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” becomes 1st a cappella recording to reach #1

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1908 [95] Flint MI businessman William Crapo Durant founds ‘General Motors’

1943 [60] Dr Albert Hoffman takes 1st ‘LSD trip’ after inventing the drug for psychotherapy use

1949 [54] 1st ‘Road Runner’ cartoon, co-starring ‘Wile E Coyote’ (“Fast & Furryous”)

1993 [10] 1st episode of “Frasier” on NBC-TV (TV’s most-honored show with 30 Emmy Awards)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1994 [09] World record 3,960-lb burrito is made in Montebello CA, measuring 3,055-feet-long (after it’s consumed another record is set – quickest evacuation of a restaurant)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Autumn begins
[Thurs] “Survivor: Pearl Islands” debuts
[Thurs] National Play-Doh Day
[Sat] International Student Day
[Sun] Miniature Golf Day
This Week Is . . . Adult Day Care Center Week
This Month Is . . . Cholesteral Education & Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Where did hamsters live before we put them in cages as pets?
• If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk?
• Are Cheerios really donut seeds?
• Why is it that the phone always rings when you’re outside the door, fumbling for your keys?
• What do fluffy kitties and puppies have to do with toilet paper? Are they saying if you run out, you can always use the cat?
• Can a guy named Nick have a nickname?
• If sleep regenerates us, why do we look so bad when we first get up in the morning?

BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – Today your name could become a household word … but only if you change it to Metamucil.
• Taurus – Today you’ll start a new rock group named ‘SPAM Catapult’ and record a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap and polka.
• Gemini – Don’t let your friend’s happiness get you down.
• Cancer – Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
• Leo – Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing. Watch your fingers!
• Virgo – Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
• Libra – Today is an excellent day to do something new with bean curd!
• Scorpio – Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
• Sagittarius – Don’t give up on your dream! There’s likely millions of bonsai enthusiasts out there who’ll want to buy your itsy-bitsy little chainsaws.
• Capricorn – Time to give up on your trailblazing fashion ideas. Wearing golf shoes indoors just isn’t catching on.
• Aquarius – Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that. Nudge them right back!
• Pisces – A little slip-up now could bite you in the butt later and I don’t mean in that good way that leads to a little nibble there, a little glide of the tongue there and then a full-blown … er, what was I talking about?

BS HOT PROMOS:
• Talk about hard times! Oklahoma City’s New Country 101.9 The Twister pulled off a fun promo by convincing the town of Agra OK to change its name to ‘Viagra’ – at least temporarily. The station promised all 370 residents tickets to a country concert in Tulsa if they pulled off the stunt. The town council agreed to participate and erected a ‘Welcome to Viagra’ sign for a day. (Unfortunately, the tickets weren’t for Shania Twain’s “Up!” tour.)
• Some of the toughest, burliest deputies from South Carolina’s Beaufort County Sheriff’s Office are getting dolled up in sexy outfits from Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood to raise money for charity in the first “Womanless Beauty Pageant”. This could work great at a fall fair or in a club.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Who said ‘what goes up must come down’? I’m still waiting patiently on my weight.
• There’s a new contraceptive pill that supposedly reduces a woman’s menstrual cycle to 4 times a year. The bad news is the 4 times are during the World Series, Super Bowl, NBA Championship & Stanley Cup.
• Until I was 13 I thought my name was ‘Shutup’.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS is always 3-3/8 by 2-1/8 inches.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: A credit card.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
On the edge of a precipice, only a fool does cartwheels.