Friday, September 12, 2003 Edition: #2621
Ahhhhh! It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW is the open house at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, which is actually only ‘open’ to any of the invitation-only 500 guests dumb enough to pony up $5,000 per couple for dinner, magicians, games and – a tractor-trailer full of stuffed animals . . . Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez say their SUNDAY wedding in Santa Barbara CA is being postponed due to media frenzy that caused them to hire 3 ‘decoy brides’ (likely another ‘decoy press release’ – we’re betting they do it anyway or maybe just skip right ahead to the divorce) . . . Meantime, 41-year-old rocker Melissa Etheridge & 28-year-old actress galpal Tammy Lynn Michaels reportedly WILL wed THIS WEEKEND in Malibu CA (who gets to be the bride?) . . . Word is pop singer Kylie Minogue is set to marry her French lover Olivier Martinez after he proposed during a cruise on the French Riviera and hauled out a $38,000 diamond ring . . . SUNDAY Drew Carey hosts the WB’s Pepsi-sponsored game show “Play for a Billion” that will give one contestant a chance to win $1 billion if he/she picks the same 6 numbers as chosen by ‘Kendall’ – a 4-year-old chimpanzee . . . Who woulda thought this guy would last? SUNDAY is the 10th anniversary primetime special for “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (who’s due to become a first-time dad NEXT MONTH at age 40) . . . Shania Twain is rehearsing for her upcoming world tour at Hamilton’s Copps Coliseum for the next 2 weeks . . . And word has it NYC’s BLINK 102.7 FM is expected to change format from ‘gossip & celebrity news’ due to lousy ratings, meaning J-Lo’s radio host sister Lynda Lopez is likely to get the boot.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Once Upon a Time in Mexico“ (Action Western): Antonio Banderas plays musician-turned-hitman ‘El Mariachi’ who’s hired by a CIA agent (Johnny Depp) to foil a plot by a drug kingpin (Willem Dafoe) to assassinate the president of Mexico. Salma Hayek hangs around looking good.
• “Matchstick Men” (Crime Comedy): Nicolas Cage plays a professional con man who suffers from an obsessive-compulsive disorder that keeps his life and that of his partner (Sam Rockwell) super organized. But when he meets the daughter (Alison Lohman) he never knew he had, his structured world is turned upside down.
• “Cabin Fever” (Horror Thriller): A celebration by five recent college grads at a remote log cabin in the woods is crashed by a crazed stranger covered in bloody sores. The group scares him off, but they all begin to develop a nasty flesh-eating disease. The film contains a number of tributes to classic horror films.
GREATEST YEARS IN MOVIE HISTORY:
Here’s a good argument starter. A new survey of over 2,000 movie buffs by Internet pollster YouGov asks which year produced the most great movies. The top 5 vote-getters …
1. 1939 (“Gone With The Wind”, “Wuthering Heights”, “The Wizard Of Oz”, “Stagecoach”, “Mr Smith Goes To Washington”, “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”)
2. 1974 (“The Godfather: Part II”, “Chinatown”, “The Odessa Files”, “The Great Gatsby”)
3. 1941 (“Citizen Kane”, “How Green Was My Valley”)
4. 1946 (“The Big Sleep”, “It’s A Wonderful Life”, “The Postman Always Rings Twice”)
5. 1957 (“Zorro”, “Bridge Over The River Kwai”, “Sayonara”)
#4503 – YOU’RE HOT!!!
TONIGHT Germany’s Berlin Opera House is staging a ‘Singles Night’ for lonesome lovers of classical music. All attendees will have a number stuck to their lapels. If they spot someone that interests them they can leave a message on a board in the foyer during intermission. In this first attempt to attract a younger audience, the operetta Csardas Princess by Hungarian composer Emmerich Kalman will be staged. (Hey, this would make a good station promo at a local movie theater!)
BUTT BLOCKER:
A British psychologist says smokers trying to kick their butts may soon be able to fight cigarette cravings simply by looking at flickering dots on a palm PC. Dr Jon May of the University of Sheffield has developed a computer program that uses a grid of black & white squares which randomly flick on and off 1,000 times per second. It seems to interfere with the parts of human memory that cause cravings. (Unfortunately, you’re 100% more likely to suffer an epileptic fit.)
IT’S A WEIRD WORLD:
• A ring of 23 fake dentists who’ve been drilling and filling patients in cafes has been busted in Paris, France. (Police became suspicious after customers kept complaining that the little sugar cubes weren’t melting in the espresso.)
• Electricians working at the Coral Ridge Mall in Coralville, Iowa have discovered a huge marijuana farm on the roof. (The mall’s decided to burn it and pipe it into the food court.)
• An Egyptian lawyer is planning to sue the world’s Jews for plundering gold during their exodus from Egypt thousands of years ago, based on information in the Bible. (Better call the exterminator, pal. Your office is about to be invaded by locusts!)
GOOFY NEW GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• Australian scientist Cameron Jones claims he’s invented the ‘optical biocomputer’ by smearing yoghurt or beer on CDs and letting it dry before playing them. He says the resulting signals, transmitted through the biological cells, grow like tree branches and shape the sound in weird ways. (Try it with the Mariah Carey CD. Sounds better.)
• Doctors have developed a new vasectomy technique. Instead of surgery, the new method uses sound waves. (They strap a boombox to your crotch and play a Mariah Carey CD at full volume.)
• A researcher has come up with an alarm clock that decides when you need to wake up. David Hunt’s ‘Rise’ device monitors traffic news on the Web to decide the optimum time to set itself off. All the user has to do is enter the morning’s travel details before going to bed.
• A new ‘contraceptive patch’ that works for an entire week has been declared effective and safe. (We’re just wondering where you put it.)
RAH RAH RATINGS:
America’s best college towns in which to be a sports fan …
1. Madison WI (University of Wisconsin)
2. Athens GA (University of Georgia)
3. Austin TX (University of Texas)
Source: New “Sports Illustrated” ranking.
BS SHOCKING FACTS:
• A new poll of office employees finds that many are still technically-challenged when it comes to computers. 1 in 5 have trouble saving or printing a document, and unbelievably, 1 in 7 have difficulty turning their computer on and off.
• According to a new survey, most men want women to cover up bare midriffs and visible thongs. Fully 80% of men polled say they wouldn’t date a woman who ‘lets everything hang out’. (Yeah right. The poll was apparently done in a monastery.)
THE BULL SHEET 09.12.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [72] George Jones (‘Possum’), Saratoga TX, country legend (“He Stopped Lovin’ Her Today”) with over 150 charted singles during 48-year career/Country Music Hall of Fame (1992)
1931 [72] Ian Holm, Goodmayes UK, movie actor (Bilbo Baggins-“Lord of the Rings” series)
1952 [51] Neil Peart, Hamilton ON, classic rock drummer (Rush-“Rush in Rio”, “Vapor Trails”)
1972 [31] Liam Gallagher, Burnage UK, rock singer (Oasis-“Champagne Supernova”) who has a son with current girlfriend, singer Nicole Appleton
1973 [30] Paul Walker, Glendale CA, movie actor (“The Fast & the Furious”, “2 Fast 2 Furious”, “She’s All That”)
1978 [25] Ruben Studdard, Birmingham AL, “American Idol” winner (“Flying Without Wings”) FACTOID: He’ll celebrate his 25th at a Moroccan-style affair at the Birmingham Museum of Art in his hometown. His debut album, “Soulful”, will be released NOVEMBER 11th.
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [59] Jacqueline Bisset, Weybridge UK, movie actress (“America’s Prince: The John F. Kennedy Jr Story”, “Rich & Famous”)
1967 [36] Steve Perkins, LA CA, rock drummer (Jane’s Addiction-“Just Because”, “Mountain Song”)
1968 [35] Brad Johnson, Marietta GA, NFL QB (2003 Super Bowl-Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
1971 [32] Stella McCartney, London UK, fashion designer (Gucci)/Paul & Linda McCartney’s just-wed daughter
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Video Games Day”, a day for kids who love ’em to celebrate and thank the parents who fork out the cash for an X-Box or PlayStation 2.
TODAY is “Respect for the Aged Day” in Japan, where the number of people living past the age of 100 is increasing dramatically. The current number of Japanese centenarians has climbed near 18,000 from just over 150 back in 1969.
SUNDAY is the 23rd annual “Terry Fox Run” in communities across Canada and in several other countries. The event has raised well over $300 million for cancer research since 1981. A million Canadians usually take part in local runs, which can optionally be walked or cycled.
PHONER: 888-836-9786
NET: http://www.terryfoxrun.org
SUNDAY is “Pregnant Women’s Day”. According to a recent study, less than half of women are happy with the maternity care they currently get in hospitals and now see giving birth as a ‘conveyor belt’ experience.
20 YEARS AGO . . .
1983 Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes a US citizen 14 years after emigrating from Austria
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1910 [93] 1st ‘policewoman’ (Alice Stebbins Wells-Los Angeles Police Department)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1983 [10] Albert Rizzo of Malta sets ‘world treading water record’ at 108 hours, 9 minutes in
the ocean … 4.5 days!
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Positive Thinking Day
[Sun] International Cross-Culture Day
[Sun] Pet Memorial Day
[Mon] Madonna’s releases kids’ book “The English Roses” worldwide
[Mon] National Care Givers Day
This Week Is . . . National Rehabilitation Week
This Month Is . . . Better Breakfast Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS QUICK-PICK QUIZ:
• This can harbor up to 516,000 bacteria per square inch …
a. Your toilet.
b. Your yoghurt.
c. Your armpit. [CORRECT]
• Which of these typical no-no’s is legal in New Orleans …
a. Prostitution.
b. Open booze containers in cars. [CORRECT]
c. Running a red light.
• Which country’s flag consists of a single solid color – green …
a. Libya [CORRECT]
b. Ethiopia
c. Greenland
• You are average if you have between 40 and 50 billion of these …
a. Fat cells. [CORRECT]
b. Brain cells.
c. Pubic hairs.
• In 1880s England, this was considered a dirty word …
a. Noodle.
b. Pants. [CORRECT]
c. Ca-ca.
• The average adult’s weighs about 1 ounce …
a. Toenail.
b. Eyeball. [CORRECT]
c. Urine sample.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: About half of women polled say they allow their men to do THIS on the weekend.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Watch 3 complete football games.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Showing up is 80% of life.
