Monday, September 8, 2003        Edition: #2617
Sheet, Featuring Bull

TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “PeopleNews” claims J-Lo is livid that details of the ‘Benifer’ wedding this coming SUNDAY at the Bacara Resort in Santa Barbara CA have leaked out, and has ordered her wedding planner to find out who is responsible. Britain’s “Mirror” tabloid reports that to stop further leaks, J-Lo now plans to keep guests in the dark by having them shuttled in from LA. (This true life story would make a much better movie than that “Wedding Planner” fiasco she made with Matthew McConaughey.)
• TONIGHT reality TV star and millionaire widow Anna Nicole Smith begins a 20-performance run in the off-Broadway play “Pieces of Ass”, in which hot women discuss their own hotness. Perhaps she feels she’s qualified after recently dropping more than 30 lbs. “NY Post” notes she’ll be joined by another new cast member – former “Survivor” winner Jenna Morasca.
• British tabloid “Daily Express” claims Michael Jackson left the $5,600-a-night Presidential Suite at Miami’s Mandarin Oriental Hotel filthy and strewn with garbage – as well as some live animals – after staying there recently. Staff reportedly found graffiti in black marker pen on paintings and wallpaper, junk food and dirty diapers on the floor, as well as a hamster and a pet rat!
• “Daily Dish” reports that “Star Wars” star Hayden Christensen and his brother are being turfed out of their $1.8-million Hollywood Hills mansion for failing to pay their rent on time. They’ll be forced to find a new home once the actor wraps up shooting his 3rd and final “Star Wars” prequel in Australia. Neighbors will be sorry to see them go, saying there’s barely been a peep out of the house in 3 years.
• “People” magazine reports that Bruce Springsteen, Mariah Carey & Carly Simon songs will NOT be allowed on the upcoming 3rd season of “American Idol”. Why? Likely money. It’d cost more for TV rights to the tunes than producers are willing to pay..
• “E! Online” says that THIS WEEK the Recording Industry Association of America is planning to announce an ‘amnesty program’ for people who admit to illegally sharing music files on the Web. The RIAA promises not to sue them if they admit their guilt and delete songs off their computers. (Wow! The 800 million people that don’t heed this warning better look out for the boogeyman!)

SURPRISE!
According to a study published by the AMA, older men are more likely to suffer heart attacks on their birthday. (So if you have a rich uncle with a heart condition, this might be a good year to throw him a big surprise party!)

FOR THE RECORD:
• A Norwegian man has shattered a world record by eating 187 oysters in just 3 minutes. Rune Naeri annihilated the previous official record of 97 at the annual “Hillsborough Oyster Festival” in Northern Ireland.
• Russians in a village outside of Moscow are working on making the ‘world’s largest salad’, a concoction of cucumbers, tomatoes and herbs expected to weigh 2,600 kg (5,720 lbs). The mixing is being done with wooden spoons the size of humans in a plastic bowl with a 3-meter diameter.

THE SINGING PM:
Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi, who once worked as a cruise ship singer, is launching an album of love ballads he has written. The billionaire-turned-politician found time in his busy schedule to write 7 of the songs that will be featured on a new album from guitarist Mariano Apicella called “Better with a Song”. (What would Chrétien put on his album if he released one? “Sorry Seams to Be the Hardest Word”?)

IS THAT ANGER I SEE BEFORE ME?
When it comes to reading the subtleties of emotion, women are the stronger sex, according to “Psychology Today”. While men almost a always correctly recognize happiness in a female face, they pick up on distress only 70% of the time. A woman’s face has to be really sad for men to see it. (“Whatsa matter? Shrink something in the laundry, honey?”)

EVEN LESS USEFUL THAN A PHILOSOPHY DEGREE:
Sweden’s Lund University is looking to hire a professor of parapsychology, hypnology and clairvoyance, but it won’t be a world first – there are already chairs in parapsychology at Utrecht University in the Netherlands and at Scotland’s Edinburgh University. Close to 30 candidates have applied for the Lund position beginning in 2004, including an Indian medium and an American named ‘Heaven Lord’. The position is already being called ‘Ghost Professor’. (If you were going to get the job, wouldn’t you know?)

BEST TO GO WITH THE XXXL:
Thailand’s Public Health Ministry has released a warning about conditions that may cause varicose veins. The medical study suggests that blood flow can be disrupted and swelling in the legs caused by standing for long hours, or by wearing – underwear that’s too tight. (Can also lead to vapor locks.)

I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP, I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP …
“American Health” reports that emergency workers, medical students and doctors often suffer from ‘on-call syndrome’, losing an average of 1.5 hours sleep per night when on call, even if their services are NOT needed. (Well good thing it’s not someone you need to be sharp as a tack like say a brain surgeon … hey, wait a minute …)

WHO WORKS THE MOST?
A new survey on average work hours per year …
• South Korea . . . 2,447 hours
• Japan . . . 1,859
• USA . . . 1,805
• Germany . . . 1,447
Source: Organization for Economic Cooperation & Development

ON WHICH DAYS DO WE WORK HARDEST?
The days employees most productive …
Tuesday . . . 51%
Monday . . . 17%
Wednesday . . . 15%
Don’t Know . . . 11
Thursday . . . 5%
Friday . . . 1%
Source: Accountemps survey of 150 executives.

BS AMAZING FACT:
More than 90% of people over age 65 use at least one medication each week, and up to 40% use 5 or more drugs per week. (When it comes to dope, it ain’t the kids we should be worrying so much about.)

AND WE QUOTE:
“It’s not a feel-good movie, it’s a feel icky movie.”
– “Party Monster” co-director Randy Barbato.

THE BULL SHEET 09.08.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1971 [32] David Arquette, Winchester VA, movie actor (“3000 Miles to Graceland“, “Scream 1-3″)/Mr Courteney Cox since 1999/Patricia & Rosanna Arquette’s brother  FACTOID: David & Courteney are expecting their 1st child in OCTOBER.

1979 [24] Pink (Alecia Moore), Doylestown PA, pop singer (“Feel Good Time”, “Just Like A Pill”, “Get The Party Started”)  NOTE: Nickname is NOT from her infamous pink hairdos but from the character ‘Mr Pink’ in the Quentin Tarantino movie “Reservoir Dogs”.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Literacy Day”. (We wonder, do they pass out leaflets?)

TODAY is “Boss/Employee Exchange Day”, designed to help bosses and employees appreciate each other by exchanging points of view. (“Boss, from my point of view I deserve a raise.” “Well, that’s interesting because the view from over here says you’re fired.”)

TONIGHT Paul Brandt hosts the “Canadian Country Music Awards” at Calgary’s Pengrowth
Saddledome, live on CBC-TV and later on CMT. Shania Twain leads nominations with 8, followed by newcomer Aaron Lines with 6. Sylvia Tyson will be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
NET: http://www.ccma.org

SEPTEMBER is officially “Self-Improvement Month”, a good excuse to review …
LEAST POPULAR BS SELF-IMPROVEMENT BOOKS:
• “Guilt Without Sex”
• “Gambling Your Way to Prosperity”
• “Ego Gratification Through Violence”
• “The Underachiever’s Guide to Extremely Small Business Opportunities”
• “Molding Your Child’s Behaviour Through Fear”
• “Retirement As a Career for Ages 16 to 26”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1921 [82] 15-year-old Margaret Gorman from Washington DC (30-25-32) is crowned 1st ‘Miss America’ in 1st-ever bathing beauty contest (2-day pageant)

1966 [37] “Star Trek” premieres on NBC-TV (cancelled in April, 1969 after just 79 episodes)

1977 [26] Toronto’s Cindy Nicholas becomes 1st to swim English Channel non-stop – both ways!

1986 [17] 1st edition of syndicated “Oprah Winfrey Show” (still #1 talk show on TV)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1965 [38] Kansas City Athletics’ Bert Campaneris plays all 9 positions in a single MLB baseball game

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Expectant Father’s Day
[Wed] Hot Dog Day
[Thurs] 9/11 Remembrance Day
[Fri] Video Game Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Fall Hat Week
National Housekeepers Week
Substitute Teacher Appreciation Week
Mind Mapping For Project Management Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
GRAB-A-BUCKET BS PICK-UP LINES:
• Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ‘10′ I see!
• I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!
• What’s that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it’s not coming off!
• I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
• Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
• It’s not my fault I fell in love. You’re the one that tripped me.
• Have you always been this cute or did you have to work at it?
• You look like my third wife. And I’ve only been married twice.
• My love for you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
• Wow, are those real?

BS WORDS THAT DON’T EXIST, BUT SHOULD:
• Neonphancy . . . A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
• Peppier . . . The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
• Petrophobic . . . One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
• Pupkus . . . The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
• Telecrastination . . . The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only 6 inches away.

BS PHONE STARTER:
It’s “Substitute Teacher Appreciation Week”. What’s the cruellest thing your class ever did to a ‘sub’?

BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
Q: What do you call a person from Glasgow, Scotland?
A: A ‘Glaswegian’.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• My favorite athletes are racehorses. They never give interviews.
• As part of a campaign to make their patients happier, a hospital in China is asking its staff to smile wide enough to show at least 8 teeth. They tried this in [local hick town] but they had to bring 2 nurses into the room at the same time.
• When you grow up a fat little kid, there are no more seesaws … only catapults.
• To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. To the plumber, any liquid in the glass is potential income.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 35% of us say, yeah we keep in touch with this person. Who?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A former lover.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say
something.

HOWDY!
Welcome to our newest “BS” subscriber Jason Ryll @ THE MAX, Williams Lake BC, and to our samplers that this week include Harold Mahea @ ISLAND 98.5 Honolulu HI, Rich Ryder @ WBTN Bennington VT, Mike Goff @ KSHL Newport OR, and Matt Howells @ 103 FM St Helier, States of Jersey & Channel Islands.