September 3, 2003

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Wednesday, September 3, 2003        Edition: #2614
A Bull in Hand Is A Sheetload of Fun!

TONIGHT comedian George Lopez hosts the 4th annual “Latin Grammy Awards” on CBS-TV from Miami, featuring trophies presented in 41 categories and performances by Ricky Martin & (huh?) Kelly Clarkson (our favorite Latin performer was Nero) . . . According to “NY Times”, later THIS YEAR Ticketmaster plans to begin auctioning off the best concert seats to the highest online bidders, with no limit on how high prices go (ticket giveaways are about to become even more special!) . . . Freed American POW Jessica Lynch has agreed to a $1-million book deal for “I Am a Soldier, Too: The Jessica Lynch Story”, co-written by author Rick Bragg . . .  CTV is shutting down specialty channel WTSN, the Women’s Television Sports Network, at the end of SEPTEMBER due to lack of audience . . . Online gambling site is offering 5 to 1 odds that Russian lesbo-pop group Tatu will pose naked for “Penthouse” magazine by the end of the year (it’s in bankruptcy protection – what are the odds there’ll even be a “Penthouse” by the end of the year?) . . . Mariah Carey claims she’s only had 3 relationships in her life – recording honcho Tommy Mottola, NY Yankee Derek Jeter & Mexican singer Luis Miguel, the last guy she had sex with – in 2001 (think it might have something to do with your personality, honey?) . . . Beyonce Knowles says she’s so conscious of her weight, she takes a food expert with her everywhere she tours and her lunches consist of just 6 slices of tomato & 4 slices of cucumber . . . And Ozzy Osbourne has broken his foot yet again, resulting in the cancellation of a planned UK tour.

New terms creeping into our lingo …
• ‘Frying Spam’ – The time-consuming morning ritual of deleting spam from your inbox. (“I’ll meet you for coffee in a couple minutes. I’m just finishing up frying my spam.”)
• ‘Atlas Syndrome’ – Severe fatigue experienced by today’s ‘superdads’, who not only work full-time, but also do their share of cooking, cleaning and helping to raise families. (In other words, trying to cope with what women have been doing for years.)
• ‘Counter-Googling’ – The increasingly common practice of businesses using the Google search engine to dig up info on customers in order to personalize service and better target marketing. (“So as a licensed pilot Mr Williams, you must see the value in our state-of-the-art GPS system …”)

Toyota’s new hybrid gasoline-electric Prius model is the world’s first car that can park itself, without the driver having to touch the steering wheel. Its ‘Intelligent Park Assist System’ uses electrically operated power steering and sensors to guide the car when reversing into parking spaces. The new model sells for the equivalent of $18,500 in Japan, with the self-parking system offered as a $2,000 option.

According to a new study by scientists at the Danish Epidemiology & Science Center in Copenhagen, women who drink wine get pregnant faster than those who don’t.

A 2.6 billion-tonne asteroid that’s 1.2 km (two-thirds of a mile) across and traveling at 30 km (20 miles) per second has the potential to hit Earth on March 21, 2014, causing devastation across an entire continent. But astronomers monitoring near-Earth objects are playing down the chances of that happening. They say there’s only a 1 in 909,000 chance of asteroid ‘2003 QQ47′ impacting on our planet. (Just in case, I’m not gonna bother paying off my credit card.)

• A Mexican restaurant owner in the Netherlands almost killed herself and 2 customers when they tried a spicy new dish made from – a scorpion. They say it tasted great, but 3 hours later they were all vomiting. (Probably about the time they found out they had eaten scorpion.)
• A female soccer team in Halle, Germany is now being sponsored by – a brothel called ‘X-Carree’. The team’s new uniforms have the slogan ‘X-Carree: Always Worth a Visit’ emblazoned across the front. (She scores!!!!!)
• A Brazilian telecom company is offering help to lovers who are lacking inspiration by providing animations of “Kama Sutra” sex positions on their mobile phone screens. (Depending where you put your hands, there may be roaming charges.)
• There’s a new extreme sport in Russia: shooting the rapids in the Vuoksa River near St Petersburg on – inflatable sex dolls. “Pravda” reports that participants are required to remain      sober, and must wear both a life jacket – and a helmet.

The following is a breakdown of electronic gadgets in the bedrooms of kids ages 8 to 12 –
TV . . . 64%
VCR . . . 43%
Video Game System . . . 42%
Telephone . . . 22%
Computer . . . 13%
DVD Player . . . 7%
Answering Machine . . . 2%
Source: “Washington Post”

• Havana, Cuba cigar maker Jose Castelar Cairos has received confirmation that he’s set a new “Guinness World Record” for ‘World’s Longest Cigar’ after spending 5 days rolling out a stogie that’s 45-feet-long!
• The soon-to-publish “2004 Guinness Book of World Records” lists Adam Sandler as ‘World’s Highest-Paid Actor’, based on the $49.5 million he raked in in a single year.
• A British man is attempting to push a peanut 7 miles through London – with his nose. 37-year-old Mark McGowan is hoping to complete his journey SEPTEMBER 12th in front of Tony Blair’s house to convince the British Prime Minister to waive a $24,000 student loan. It’s not this dude’s first wacky stunt – he once walked 11 miles around London with a 27-lb turkey strapped to his head to persuade fat people to eat less!

• In Canada, more money is collectively spent on prescription drugs than on doctor visits. (And when you go to doctors, what’s the first thing they give you?)
• According to newly-released figures from StatsCan, about a third of Canadians aged 45 to 59
don’t think they’ve set enough aside to maintain their standard of living in retirement. (Hey, I’m having trouble maintaining my standard of living while still working!)
• Researchers reviewing emergency-room records of American school-age children with backpack-related injuries, have found that kids are more likely to get hurt tripping over backpacks than wearing them. A further 13% of the injuries were caused by kids getting hit with backpacks.


1923 [80] Mort Walker, El Dorado KS, cartoonist (creator of still-running comic strips “Beetle Bailey” [1950] and “Hi & Lois” [1954])

1965 [38] Charlie Sheen (Carlos Estevez), NYC, oft-rehabbed movie actor (“Wall Street”, “Platoon”)/TV actor (“Spin City” 2000-02)/married actress Denise Richards in 2002/Martin Sheen’s son/Emilio Estevez’s brother  COMING UP: Stars in the CBS-TV sitcom “Two & a Half Men” as a free-wheeling single guy whose brother & 10-year-old nephew move into his beach house, premiering SEPTEMBER 22nd.

[Australia] “National Flag Day”

TODAY is “Hump Day” – not just because it’s the middle of the week – but literally “HUMP Day” in the shrinking city of Hallandale, Florida where declining population is causing a financial crisis. “HUMP” stands for “Hallandale Unified for More People” and local citizens are being encouraged to ‘get busy’ today and help start a new baby boom. Local restaurants, lounges and lingerie shops are offering special ‘get-in-the-mood’ deals.
PHONER: 954-454-9500 or 305-318-1282 (Alan Wasser)

TODAY-Sunday Minneapolis-St Paul MN will be turned into the world’s largest game board for the 1st-ever “Big Urban Game” or “BUG”. Each day, teams of 4 move one of three 25-ft-tall game pieces to a new location as determined by online & telephone voting. The team whose piece is first to reach the finish line near the Mississippi River wins. The idea was conjured up by the University of Minnesota’s Design Institute to create urban awareness.

1895 [108] 1st ‘professional football game’ (Latrobe YMCA beats Jeannette Athletic Club 12-0 in Latrobe PA)

1940 [63] 1st demonstration of HDTV, ‘High Definition Color TV’ (so why don’t we all have it by now?)

1952 [51] Introduction of ‘Teflon’, Dupont Corp’s brand name for tetra-fluoro-ethylene fiber

1966 [37] 1st showing of “Star Trek”, at the “World Science Fiction Convention” in Cleveland (attended by the 1st ‘geeks’)

1970 [33] ‘Largest hailstone’ lands near Coffeyville, Kansas – 1.66 lbs, 17.5 inches in diameter (wait a sec, didn’t that fall from that airliner?)

[Thurs] 2003-04 NFL Season Kickoff Concert (Washington DC)
[Thurs] Newspaper Carriers Day
[Thurs] National Cheese Pizza Day
[Thurs-Sept 13] Toronto International Film Festival
[Thurs-Sun] 2003 Bell Canadian Open Golf Championship (Hamilton ON)
[Fri] Be Late For Something Day
This Week Is . . . Child Injury Prevention Week
This Month Is . . . Be Kind To Editors & Writers Month


• Aries – This is an excellent day to de-worm your dog. Or your cat. Or a close friend.
• Taurus – You’ll meet someone tall, dark & handsome. Too bad he’s an assassin and there’s a price on your head.
• Gemini – Beware! Cross-dressing purse thieves are watching your every move.
• Cancer – Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people just as they are turning away. When they do a double take, smile innocently.
• Leo – Be on guard against sitting on rusty razor blades.
• Virgo – After negotiating with the boss, remember to wipe the walls down.
• Libra – Today you will discover it’s wise to never look a gift horse in EITHER end.
• Scorpio – If the ale is a funny color, leave it alone.
• Sagittarius – Today you’ll finally discover the elusive ‘bluebird of happiness’. Unfortunately, your cat will get it.
• Capricorn – Beware of goats with one testicle.
• Aquarius –  Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent.
• Pisces – Don’t take anything at face value today. Check the butt too.

Q: THIS WEEK the “US Open” tennis championships are being served up. So why is it that the game of tennis uses scores of ‘15′, ‘30′, and ‘40′ instead of 1, 2, and 3 points?
A: Tennis was first played in its current form indoors and scores were kept by moving the hands of a clock to the positions of 15, 30, and 45. For some obscure reason, ‘45′ evolved into ‘40′. The term ‘love’ for a score of zero comes from the French word for egg – l‘oeuf [loof]. The term ‘deuce’ for a tie score is from the French word deux [duh], meaning two or together.

• I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.
• I like my women like I like my coffee … in a plastic cup.
• I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the girl next to me.

Here’s a contest idea for your show courtesy of the scientists at Britain’s Royal Society of Chemistry. To mark the discovery of penicillin 75 years ago, they’re looking for the UK’s filthiest workplace coffee mug, featuring the most spectacular growth of green grunge. Could be a cool tie-in with a coffee & doughnut chain. Post photos of the ugliest of the ugly on your Website.

Today’s Question: Although it happens rarely, Asian elephants and human beings are the only animals that can do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Stand on their heads.

In an underdeveloped country don’t drink the water. In a developed country don’t breathe the air.

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