Tuesday, September 2, 2003 Edition: #2613
Here’s More Bull Roar!
THIS WEEK’S EYE-OPENING HEADLINES:
• “Alien Busted for DUI!”
• “Government Spraying US Cities with Happy Gas!”
• “Hubby Clones Wife!”
• “Giant Space Spider Webs Can Deflect Killer Asteroids!”
• “Crop Circles Appearing on People’s Heads!”
• “Our Werewolves Are Being Wiped Out by Deadly Kennel Cough!”
• “Mandatory IQ Test Has Politicians Shaking in Their Boots!”
Source: “Weekly World News”
OTHER TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• London’s “Sun” tabloid reports that Britain’s Prince Andrew is putting up the home he shared with Sarah Ferguson (‘Fergie’) up for sale. The $15-million property has 50 rooms, 12 of them bedrooms, a cinema, stables and a swimming pool. It was a wedding present from the Queen. (Shouldn’t the money go back to taxpayers then?)
• According to “Daily Dish”, Hollywood couple Uma Thurman & Ethan Hawke have split after 5 years of marriage and 2 children. It seems that while she was in Vancouver filming “Paycheck”, he was whooping it up in Montréal with 22-year-old Canadian model Jen Perzow while he was shooting “Taking Lives” with Angelina Jolie. (For once Angie isn’t getting blamed!)
• According to YESTERDAY’S “New York Post”, insiders now claim Jen & Ben will wed on the weekend of SEPTEMBER 13-14 in Santa Barbara CA. (Well what can you say to that but … YAWN!)
• “Daily Star” says reclusive “Purple Rain” legend Prince is a huge fan of Mariah Carey and has attended several of her recent concerts and regularly bombards her with flowers. (These two deserve each other!)
• “Daily Express” claims 5′-10″ actress Nicole Kidman has become so shockingly thin that when she was recently spotted in NYC, “Her hips looked tiny and you could see her knee bones jutting in her trousers.” (Trouser jutting … sounds serious.)
• “Bang” magazine reports that Beyonce Knowles walked out of a photo shoot with celeb photog David La Chapelle when he asked her to – get naked and slather herself with honey. (As if there’s parts of her we haven’t seen.)
• “E! Online” says ABC News will celebrate the 20th anniversary of Peter Jennings as anchor of “World News Tonight” with a big party TONIGHT at NYC’s Lincoln Center, attended by a who’s who of TV news. (If he sticks at it another 20 years, he’ll still be younger than Mike Wallace.)
• PageSix.com reports the ‘Fab Five’ have landed a $1-million advance to write a book based on their hit Bravo makeover show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”. It’s set to be published in FEBRUARY.
• “Star” magazine claims Jennifer Aniston encouraged hubby Brad Pitt to turn down a role opposite Colin Farrell in the upcoming movie epic “Alexander”, playing Alexander the Great’s homosexual lover. Jen apparently didn’t think the gay role would be good for his image. Actor Jared Leto, recently linked with Britney Spears, was the #2 choice and he jumped at it!
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “A Man Apart” (Thriller – DVD/VHS): Vin Diesel & Larenz Tate star as DEA agents fighting to stem the drug pipeline along the US-Mexico border.
• “Identity” (Horror Thriller – DVD): John Cusack, Ray Liotta & Amanda Peet play strangers stranded in a hotel by a nasty storm who discover that they are being killed off one by one.
• DVD collectors may be interested in the TV compilations “Angel: 2nd Season”, “Alias: 1st Season”, “CSI: 2nd Season”, and a new edition of the movie comedy “Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life”.
WE CAN BE BOUGHT:
More vacation time … not necessary. Better pay … well, it’s okay. But “Entrepreneur” magazine says one of the best ways to boost employee morale is by making sure they get – freebies. For instance, if you have T-shirts with the corporate logo on them, instead of just giving them to customers and suppliers, you should make sure employees get ’em too. (Yeah, we’re all excited here on the morning crew about our new contract. We didn’t get a raise but we’re all getting station fridge magnets.)
IT’S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT:
Sorry parents, you can’t use that old ‘got in with the wrong crowd’ excuse anymore. An Ohio State University study finds that, rather than peer pressure, teens are most likely to get into trouble due to – poor family environment. (You mean it’s not the violent video games?)
BY PUP-ULAR DEMAND:
The tony town of Carmel CA has created America’s 1st official doggy drinking fountain. The ‘Fountain of Woof’ features a life-size dog head spurting water from its mouth into a series of rocky pools from which parched pooches can lap it up.
SCHOOL DAZE:
• When it comes to picking fictional classmates, kids choose differently from adults in a new Amazon.com poll. Among young voters, ‘Harry Potter’ would make the most popular classmate. Adult women select ‘Danny Zucko’ from the movie “Grease” and adult men say they’d most like to sit next to ‘Bluto Blutarsky’ from “Animal House” (currently celebrating its 25th anniversary).
• What ticks off parents about sending their kids off to school? According to a new “Parenting” magazine poll, 48% hate dealing with all those ‘school fundraisers’. 20% are annoyed by their kids’ ‘homework’. Another 20% say ‘science projects’ irritate them most.
• “Baltimore Sun” reports that a recent Maryland task force on dealing with student misbehavior has recommended – having parents attend school and ‘shadow’ their kids for a day as punishment. One 8th-grader says, “That’s just embarrassing!”
LIVING WITH THE RIFF-RAFF:
Starting in OCTOBER, French television station TF1 will air a new reality show in which government officials live with average citizens for 48 hours. It’s been announced the first show will feature 39-year-old government spokesman Jean-Francois Cope, though the family and city haven’t yet been chosen. (They’re still looking for citizens who promise not to bind, torture, spit or guillotine.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
The average length of the school year in Canada is 186 days, in the US 180 days, and in England 192. But in Japan, students are stuck in the classroom an average of 243 days.
THE BULL SHEET 09.02.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [60] Glen Sather, High River AB, NY Rangers President-General Manager/former Edmonton Oilers GM/coach
1948 [55] Terry Bradshaw, Shreveport LA, NFL analyst (FOX-TV)/Hall of Fame NFL QB (Pittsburgh Steelers 1970-1983)
1964 [39] Keanu Reeves, Beirut LEB [raised Toronto], movie actor (“The Matrix 1-2″, “Speed”) UP NEXT: “The Matrix Revolutions”, opening NOVEMBER 5th. FACTOID: ‘Keanu’ means ‘cool breeze over the mountains” in Hawaiian.
1966 [37] Salma Hayek, Coatzacoalcos MEX, film actress (“Frida”, “From Dusk Till Dawn”) COMING UP: Co-stars with Antonio Banderas & Johnny Depp in the action Western, “Once Upon a Time in Mexico”, opening SEPTEMBER 12TH.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Take Another Look Day”, a day to survey your possessions and give surplus items to charity or reuse them in another project. In other words, dump some stuff!
THIS MONTH is “Children’s Good Manners Month”, a good time to review some …
BS RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR KIDS:
• Never ride in the very front seat of the school bus after eating a burrito for breakfast.
• Try not to blow all your scholarship money on candy.
• Always say thank you to the victim after carjacking their vehicle.
• Never refer to the teacher as ‘Hey, big butt!’.
• No matter how tempting it is, never attempt to vacuum a sleeping grandparent.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1978 [25] Guests are asked to do the conga on the way to their seats at the wedding of singer Gloria Fajardo (Estefan) & musician/producer Emilio Estefan
1995 [08] Grand opening of Cleveland’s “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” features 7-hour concert featuring Bruce Springsteen, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard, Martha & the Vandellas, John Mellencamp and oodles more
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
490BC [2493] 1st ‘marathon’ as Phidippides runs 26 miles from Marathon to Sparta (seeking a men’s room)
1912 [91] 1st ‘Calgary Stampede’
1964 [39] Norman Manley scores 2 holes-in-one consecutively at Del Valley CA, the 1st recorded ‘double albatross’ in golf
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1978 [25] John McClain performs 180 outside loops in an airplane over Houston TX
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] 4th Latin Grammy Awards
[Thurs] 2003 NFL Season Kickoff Concert (Washington DC)
[Thurs] Newspaper Carriers Day
[Thurs-Sept 13] Toronto International Film Festival
[Thurs-Sun] 2003 Bell Canadian Open Golf Championship (Hamilton ON)
[Fri] Be Late For Something Day
[Sat] Fight Procrastination Day–Do It! Day
[Sat] Federal Lands Cleanup Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Child Injury Prevention Week
Emergency Care Week
Full Employment Week
National Financial Services Week
Self-University Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays on topics like ‘What I’m Going to Be If I Grow Up’.
• You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman … stuff you pay good money for in later life.
• At school I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
BS ‘WHAT’S ITS’:
• If you have an abnormal fear of virgins, you are …
a. Hymenophobic
b. Parthenophobic [CORRECT]
c. Dead
• Having a little gap between your two front teeth is known as …
a. Diastima [CORRECT]
b. Spatial Syndrome
c. Handy for drinking through a straw.
• The study of stupidity is called …
a. Dunsology
b. Monology [CORRECT]
c. History
• That little hole in the sink that lets water drain out instead of overflowing is …
a. The emergency vent.
b. The porcelator. [CORRECT]
c. Always plugged.
• The ball on top of a flagpole is …
a. The truck. [CORRECT]
b. The knob.
c. The chrome dome.
PHONE STARTERS:
• “What mind-numbing terminology really gets up your nose?”
• “Which trait did you find cute about your partner when you first met that now drives you nuts?”
• “What’s the best ‘make-out tune’ of all-time?”
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Most of us will do THIS about 9 times in our lifetime.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Lock the keys in the car.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
In school, every crime ends with a sentence, every sentence ends with a period, and every period ends with a bell.
SALUT!
Welcome to our newest BS subscriber, Ted Bennett @ WILQ Williamsport PA, and samplers this week that include Jonathan Knight @ WPPY Pekin IL, Bakula @ SUNRISE RADIO, Wembley UK, Olcay Ozkan @ CAPITAL RADIO, Ankara, Turkey, Mary Masters @ KKSM San Marcos CA, Josivan @ WONQ Casselberry FL, Lexi @ WAPE Jacksonville FL, and Jason Ryll @ THE MAX Williams Lake BC. Remember, subscribing to “The Bull Sheet” is as easy as clicking the link at the top of the page!
