Thursday, September 26, 2002 Edition: #2386
Exceeding the legal fun limit on a regular basis!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Liz Taylor is putting 9 gems from her extensive jewelry collection up for bid in an auction to benefit her AIDS Foundation (probably just a coincidence her new book, “Elizabeth Taylor: My Love Affair With Jewelry”, is coming out NEXT WEEK, isn’t it?) . . . “Made in Canada”, “Da Vinci’s Inquest” and “Cold Squad” lead the nominations for Canada’s TV awards, the 17th annual “Gemini Awards”, coming up NOVEMBER 4 (have you ever watched any of these shows – or the Gemini Awards?) . . . Prince Charles is threatening to leave Britain if animal rights activists succeed in having fox hunting banned (wow, what a bonus for the UK!) . . . ABC-TV is developing a show based on John Grisham’s best-selling novel “The Street Lawyer”, about a young corporate attorney who quits his job at a big firm to work in a legal aid clinic . . . “Alien” actress Sigourney Weaver has held a wedding ceremony for her 2 pet greyhounds, ‘Baci’ and ‘Petals’, who were dressed to the nines and served canine canapés after the ceremony (just before ‘Mommy’ was bustled off in an ambulance by the men in white) . . . “CSI: Miami” was the most-watched premiere of a fall TV drama since “ER” back in 1994 . . . Hard-up for a hit Mel B (aka Scary Spice) is making a desperate attempt to re-form the Spice Girls, with all 5 original members (oh no, “Wannabe” sick?).
FUTURE FLICKS:
Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon will work on the script for “The Amazing Spider-Man”, the sequel to this summer’s biggest hit, with both Tobey Maguire & Kirstin Dunst returning to star in the movie that’s due in 2004 . . . The sequel “Gladiator 2″ is in development, which will reportedly pick up 15 years after the end of the first movie, but since his character died in the original, Russell Crowe is not expected to return (what about the ol’ ‘evil twin’ scenario?) . . . Mel Gibson has announced his latest feature as a director, “Passion”, about Christ’s last 12 hours, will be in Latin and Aramaic (damn, that D- you got in 10th-grade Latin is gonna hurt when you go to see this one!) . . . Nicole Kidman is in talks to play ‘Samantha’ the witch in a film version of the 1960’s TV sitcom “Bewitched”, with the role of her mortal husband ‘Darrin’ pegged for Mike Myers (another attempt to sell a lame idea by slapping some big name star names onto it) . . . Julia Roberts is learning the cha-cha, swing dancing and the art of flirting at an etiquette boot camp to prepare herself for her upcoming role as a maverick 1950s art professor in “Mona Lisa Smile” . . . Disney is in talks with famed Chinese choreographer Yuen Wo Ping to direct a live-action martial-arts version of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” set in 1890s China (let’s see, kung fu dwarfs – ‘BASHful’ might still work, but what should the other ones be called?)
FANTASY BREAKFAST:
Who would you like to share breakfast in bed with, other than your spouse or significant other? In a new survey 44% of women choose Brad Pitt while 32% pick Harrison Ford. 30% of men select Britney Spears, and 24% Julia Roberts. (Hey, if all we’re doing is having breakfast, I’ll take chef Christine Cushing!)
CRAPPY PAINTING:
Thai artist Boonthueng Ridthikert has an unusual artistic medium. He paints landscapes on canvasses using artificially colored – elephant dung. (Each painting comes with a clothespin for your nose.)
RETRO EIGHTIES:
Retailers have noticed that sales of 1980s gear have been increasing over the past couple of years. Seems 2-decade-old fashion statements like shoulder pads, fishnets, studded belts and cuffs are destined to make a comeback because, to the younger generation, it’s all a fresh ‘new’ look. (Just goes to prove my philosophy of style – never throw ANYTHING away.)
TEA TIME:
THIS WEEK researchers told a conference in Washington DC that it appears drinking tea can help prevent cell damage that leads to cancer, heart disease and other illnesses. Proponents say it may soon be time to add tea to the list of fruits and vegetables that experts urge us to eat as often as possible to reduce risk of disease. (Yeah, but if you look at a nation of tea drinkers, say the UK for instance, it’s obvious it rots the hell out of your teeth!)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT:
• What do you think the penalty should be for high school students caught smoking on school property? A teacher at Banting Memorial High School in Alliston ON is under investigation after he apparently forced a 13-year-old student who was smoking to EAT the cigarette!
• Two Las Vegas men who allegedly paid street people to fight each other on videotape have been arrested in California. Over 300,000 copies of the video “Bumfights” have sold over the Internet for $19.99 each. (Their defense – if Mike Tyson can make money fighting bums, why can’t we?)
• A bumbling bank robber in Boston was arrested shortly after leaving the bank when a dye pack tucked into the stolen money exploded. This came after the humiliation of having to verbally explain to the bank teller what he wanted because – she couldn’t read his writing in the hold-up note. (Think this loser’s in the wrong line of work?)
• An employee at a KFC outlet in Mill Valley CA has been arrested after a customer at the pick-up window got the wrong side order – two bags of pot! It seems this dealer had a drive-thru service! (They should have caught on when he kept asking, “You want highs with that?”)
WHEN DO YOU KISS & MAKE UP?
How long is it after an argument with your partner before you make love? In a new poll, 27% of couples surveyed say they do the deed within hours. 20% make up by making out within a day. A bitter 14% wait an entire week. (Seems the remaining 39% still haven’t.)
BEST ALL-TIME ALBUMS:
1. “Revolver” – The Beatles
2. “Nevermind” – Nirvana
3. “Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” – The Beatles
4. “Joshua Tree” – U2
5. “The White Album” – The Beatles
Source: Just-released “Rolling Stone” magazine readers’ poll.
ALL-TIME TOP MOVIE SERIAL KILLERS:
1. ‘Hannibal Lecter’ (Anthony Hopkins) in “The Silence Of The Lambs” (1991), “Hannibal” (2001), “Red Dragon” (2002)
2. ‘John Doe’ (Kevin Spacey) in “Se7en” (1997)
3. ‘Michael Myers’ in the “Halloween” series (1978-eternity)
4. ‘Norman Bates’ (Anthony Perkins) in “Psycho” (1960, 1990)
5. ‘Leatherface’ (Gunnar Hansen) in “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” (1974)
Source: “Total Film” magazine readers’ poll coming in NOVEMBER edition.
BS SHOCKING FACT:
Even before an American baby is born, the fetus has a 1 to 2% chance of being involved in an auto accident, according to researchers at the University of Pittsburgh.
THE BULL SHEET 09.26.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [58] Anne Robinson (‘The Queen of Mean’), Liverpool ENG, TV game show host (“The Weakest Link”)
1948 [54] Olivia Newton-John, Cambridge ENG [raised Melbourne AUS], pop singer (“Physical”)/movie actress (“Grease”)
1956 [46] Linda Hamilton, Salisbury MD, movie actress (“Terminator I & II”)/ex-Mrs James Cameron
1965 [37] Cindy Herron, San Francsico CA, R&B/pop singer (En Vogue-“My Lovin’ [You’re Never Gonna Get It]”, “Free Your Mind”)
1968 [34] Jim Caviezel, Mount Vernon WA, movie actor (plays JC in Mel Gibson’s upcoming “Passion”, “The Count of Monte Cristo”)
1972 [30] Shawn Stockman, Philadelphia PA, R&B/pop singer (Boyz II Men-“I’ll Make Love to You”, “The End of the Road”)
1981 [21] Serena Williams, Saginaw MI, #1-ranked women’s tennis player (won 2002 US Open by beating sister Venus)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY-Sunday the 4th annual “Prairie Music Week” parties down in Winnipeg, with a music conference, performances by some 50 prairie bands, and culminating in the annual “Prairie Music Awards”.
NET: http://www.prairiemusicweek.com
TODAY is “National Food Service Employees Day”, honoring those dedicated folks who slop your plate full in the cafeteria each day.
TODAY-October 11 the annual “Vancouver International Film Festival” reels away, claiming to be a festival for fans not critics.
NET: http://www.viff.org
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1839 [163] 1st demonstration of weird musical instrument called the ‘porco-forté’, inside of which 8 live pigs squeal as they are pinched (funny, it never catches on)
1892 [110] 1st matchbook (Diamond Match)
1964 [38] 1st episode of “Gilligan’s Island” (“Survivor” 1960s-style)
• What was ‘The Professor’s’ name? (‘Roy Hinkley’)
• What was ‘The Skipper’s’ full name? (‘Jonas Grumby’, mentioned only in first episode.)
• What was ‘Gilligan’s’ first name? (‘Willy’, mentioned only once in the pilot show.)
1969 [33] 1st episode of TV’s “The Brady Bunch” (“Mike & Carol’s Wedding”)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1960 [42] Longest speech in United Nations history (4 hours, 29 minutes by Fidel Castro)
1983 [19] Longest winning streak in sports (132 years) comes to an end as ‘Challenger Australia II’ defeats US in ‘America’s Cup’ yacht racing
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Ancestor Appreciation Day
[Sat] Ask A Stupid Question Day
[Sun] National Goose Day
This Week is – JRR Tolkien Week / Roller Skating Week
This Month is – Shameless Promotion Month / Cable TV Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WAYS TO BLOW OFF TELEMARKETERS:
• If they’re selling carpet cleaning: “Can you get out blood? Human blood? How about goat blood?”
• If they’re selling insurance: “You want to sell me insurance? I’ve been trying to get insurance for YEARS but nobody will sell me any!”
• If it’s a long distance provider: “That sounds GREAT! Can you hold a minute?” (leave phone off hook until they hang up)
• No matter what they’re selling, try to order a pizza.
• If it’s half price for a year, ask if you can get half-a-year free.
• “I’m a little busy right now. Give me your home number and I’ll call YOU when it’s convenient.”
• As soon as you determine they’re selling something: “I beg your pardon, but this is [your station call letters] and you’re on the air!”
• Always answer “Friend, family or telemarketer?” (friends and family laugh, but telemarketers get really confused.)
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• ARIES – Someone to whom you owe money to is likely to beat the crap out of you this week. Your mother will send a ‘Thank You’ card to the guy who did it.
• TAURUS – This month you will make a new friend who has the potential to be your longed for soul mate. However, your wife will seduce him and both of them will laugh their butts off at you while he drinks your beer in your bed.
• GEMINI – Your neighbor’s dog will develop a rabid fear of you and an aversion to the scent of Vaseline.
• CANCER – You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. In other words, you’re an unscrupulous bastard who would sell his mother’s kidneys to make a few extra bucks.
• LEO – You will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on welfare.
• VIRGO – An older loved one may be having problems and require your support. Therefore, you should avoid older loved one’s for the remainder of this week.
• LIBRA – Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
• SCORPIO – You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers and by carrying a blowgun you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
• SAGITTARIUS – Purchasing that packet of condoms shows that you’re foolishly optimistic about your chances of getting lucky this week. You seriously need to consider mail-ordering a bride from some impoverished country in Eastern Europe.
• CAPRICORN – Today everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
• AQUARIUS – Today you will join the political action group ‘Whiners For Peace’. Don’t forget to sign up for the big ‘Pout Out’ next month!
• PISCES – Don’t worry about your hair. It’s your breath that makes people look at you like that.
BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
What wind-speed does a storm have to exceed to be given a cute little name by the National Hurricane Center?
a) 39 mph
b) 49 mph
c) 59 mph or 29 in the city.
ANSWER: 39 mph.
WEB GOODIE:
The OCTOBER issue of “Working Mother” magazine has ranked 100 companies on how well they treat moms.
NET: http://www.workingmother.com/list.shtml
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 3% of us admit to doing this personal thing while on company time at work. We just hope the boss isn’t watching!
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Paying bills.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
