Wednesday, September 26, 2001 Edition: #2140
Exceeding the legal fun limit on a regular basis!
ARE YOU A CIRCLE JERK?
Let’s find the shape of your personality. A new study suggests that your favourite geometric shape reveals the real you. According to Dr Susan Dellinger, there are 5 basic personality types and each tends to prefer a particular shape . . .
• Square – You’re an organized, logical and hardworking person who likes structure and rules. Sometimes you have trouble making decisions because you always want more information.
• Rectangle – You’re a courageous, exciting and inquisitive explorer who always searches for ways to grow and change. You enjoy trying things you’ve never done before and love asking questions that have never been asked.
• Triangle – You’re a born leader who’s competitive, confident and decisive. You also like recognition and are interested in politics.
• Circle – You’re a ‘people person’ with lots of sympathy and consideration for others. You listen and communicate very well and are very perceptive about feelings. You like harmony and hate making unpopular decisions.
• Squiggle – You’re a creative person who’s always thinking of new ways to do things. You don’t think in a deliberate pattern from A to B to C. Instead, you tend to jump around in your mind, going from A to M to X.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the latest “Star Trek” TV series “Enterprise” premieres, a ‘prequel’ to the original series that’s set midway through the 22nd Century, about 90 years before ‘Captain Kirk’ and crew boldly set off on their famous mission . . . Meantime, the next “Star Trek” movie, “Star Trek: Nemesis”, starring “The Next Generation” cast is set to begin shooting in NOVEMBER . . . Elton John will play himself when he guest-stars on an upcoming “Ally McBeal”, dropping into the law firm’s favorite bar to perform “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting” and – here’s the real reason he’s showing up – his new song “I Want Love” . . . Think this’ll be a hit? A duet by Brit popster Robbie Williams and actress Nicole Kidman will reportedly be released in DECEMBER, an updated version of “Somethin’ Stupid”, the ‘60s hit for Frank Sinatra and his daughter Nancy . . . The comedy “Zoolander” opens in theaters FRIDAY and to avoid being saddled with a dreaded ‘R’ rating, director Ben Stiller was asked to modify an orgy scene involving himself, his real-life wife Christine Taylor, a Maori tribesman, a midget, and a goat — so he edited out the goat . . . And thanks to the threat of terrorism, word is “Survivor 4″ will NOT take place in the Middle Eastern country of Jordan and Tahiti is now considered the leading location.
NEW CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Telesurgery’ – Operations performed over long distances. Surgeons recently used remote-controlled robots to perform the world’s first trans-oceanic surgery, working from NYC to successfully remove the diseased gall bladder of a woman in France. Telesurgery will enable docs to treat patients in remote areas, on battlefields, and perhaps even space stations.
• ‘E-mail Backlash’ – Well you could certainly see this coming! Who isn’t fed up with all the spam, dumb jokes and other junk from co-workers, friends and family that clogs up mailboxes? Many are predicting the new standard in chic will be a return to handwritten notes.
PROFILING THE ENEMY:
The UK’s “Telegraph” newspaper asked ‘graphologists’ to analyze a sample of Osama bin Laden’s handwriting. The experts say it reflects a “rebellious individualist” and “non-conformist” with “a rampant ego compensating for possible perceived childhood slights”. They’ve also decided he has an “above average libido” and if this “gets too pent up” then he “may go into a frenzy”. (Wow! What insight.)
NO KIDDING:
The Internal Revenue Service has announced a rollback of the income tax deadline for people affected by the September 11 terrorist attacks, reports the “San Diego Union-Tribune”. However, “the perpetrators of the attack, and anyone aiding the attack, will not qualify for relief under this notice.” (Nice to see the government’s really clamping down.)
WHAT, ME WORRY?
According to a new poll, nearly half of all teenagers surveyed say they don’t worry about pregnancy. (Apparently, the other half were girls.)
STIFF UPPER LIP:
Scientists have developed a new form of Viagra that works like a nasal spray. (The only problem is finding a woman who’s willing to have sex with your nose.)
SOON YOUR DOG WILL BE TALKING BACK:
An electronic device that allows dogs to communicate with their owners will soon be on the market. The gizmo is pinned to the pooch’s collar where it analyzes barks, growls and woofs. If Fido stares at his bowl and whines, the gadget kicks into gear and says, “This food is lousy”. (And what’s really endearing is it says “I love you, you’re beautiful!” while he’s humping your leg.)
HERE’S A NEW WRINKLE:
A group of Australian pensioners who posed nude for a saucy calendar to raise money for new curtains at the local community hall originally wanted to sell 300 of the $12 ‘Bare to Be Different’ calendars — but have now sold close to 1000! The ‘girls’ from South Arm, Tasmania are all over 65 and the calendar boasts the world’s oldest cover girl — 82-year-old Patricia Parkin, who’s pictured hiding behind a garden fern and holding an apple under the caption “Where is my Adam?” (Every time you turn to a new page you have to iron it. Unfortunately, the entire rows of Tuesdays and Thursdays are blocked on some pages.)
ORGAN AT REST:
THIS MONTH the performance of a truly unusual organ piece by American composer John Cage began at a church in Germany. What’s unusual is – it’s meant to last 639 years! Even weirder, the composition begins with 16 MONTHS of silence, so the first notes aren’t scheduled to be played until January 5, 2003. (Who’s the poor slob that gets to count out the bars of rests?)
THE BULL SHEET 09.26.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [57] Anne Robinson (‘The Queen of Mean’), Liverpool ENG, TV game show host (“The Weakest Link”) QUOTE: “I knew I’d conquered America when Mike Tyson told me I was one mean lady.”
1948 [53] Olivia Newton-John, Cambridge ENG [raised Melbourne AUS], pop singer (“Physical”)/movie actress (“Grease”)
1956 [45] Linda Hamilton, Salisbury MD, movie actress (“Terminator I & II”)/ex-Mrs James Cameron
1965 [36] Cindy Herron, San Francsico CA, R&B/pop singer (En Vogue-“My Lovin’ [You’re Never Gonna Get It]”, “Free Your Mind”)
1972 [29] Shawn Stockman, Philadelphia PA, R&B/pop singer (Boyz II Men-“I’ll Make Love to You”, “The End of the Road”)
1981 [20] Serena Williams, Saginaw MI, pro tennis player (lost 2001 US Open final to her sister, Venus)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Jewish] “Yom Kippur” begins at sundown
TODAY is “National Food Service Employees Day”, honoring those dedicated folks who slop your plate full in the cafeteria each day.
TOMORROW the “Vancouver International Film Festival” begins, through October 5.
NET: http://www2.viff.org/viff/g-spon.html
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1964 [37] 1st episode of “Gilligan’s Island” (“Survivor” 1960s-style)
1969 [32] 1st episode of TV’s “The Brady Bunch” (“Mike & Carol’s Wedding”)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1960 [41] Longest speech in United Nations history (4 hours, 29 minutes by Fidel Castro)
1983 [18] Longest winning streak in sports (132 years) comes to an end as ‘Challenger Australia II’ defeats US in ‘America’s Cup’ yacht racing
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Ancestor Appreciation Day
[Fri] Ask A Stupid Question Day
[Sun] Good Neighbor Day
[Fri] Native American Day
American Newspaper Week
[Oct 7] Rescheduled Primetime Emmy Awards
Banned Books Week
National Mushroom Month (a favorite of Aaron Sorkin)
BULL’S BITS . . .
SFX STORY:
Your listeners get to star in their own sitcoms, sort of. Get a caller on the line and begin a simple story for them (“Yesterday, while I was at the office . . .”), followed by a sound effect. The listener takes it from there and ad libs the next line based on the SFX. If they can continue their story line through 10 SFX, they win!
TESTY TISSUE:
Take votes on your recording line or Website on whether bathroom tissue should be installed to roll ‘over-the-top’ or ‘from underneath’. This is a contentious topic that always generates a lot of reaction. For some reason ‘over-the-top’ people tend to be more militant, even resorting to re-installing toilet paper rolls ‘correctly’ when visiting someone else’s home.
ALL-TIME BEST MOVIE TRAILERS:
According to a survey by movie Website “Empire Online” (obviously a poll of people with an attention span of about 10 minutes) . . .
5. “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” (which will be “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in the UK, ‘cause they can spell bigger words)
4. “Planet of the Apes”
3. “The Matrix”
2. “Star Wars: Episode 1″
1. “Lord of the Rings”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Who led the last army to win a ground war in Afghanistan?
A: Alexander the Great, who lived from 356-323 BC.
(Source: “The Guardian”)
Q: In England, what is the hobby of people known as ‘twitchers’?
A: Bird watching. In North America, they’re called ‘birders’.
(Source: “Sudden Facts”)
BS TAG LINE:
The rich are different from you and me because they have more credit.
