Thursday, September 20, 2001 Edition: #2136
Sheet Rocks!
TODAY is “International Student Day”, honoring the ‘diligence and hard work’ of students everywhere (yeah, right). According to the “Chronicle of Higher Education”, the Internet has become a problem in many classrooms because students are tuning out teachers to send e-mail and surf the Web on PCs. Some schools have gone to the trouble of installing electronic kill switches that allow Internet access to be shut down while classes are in session (leaving students to pass time the old-fashioned way — doodling).
YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GRADUATE THIS YEAR IF . . .
• Your guidance counselor gives you a list of career choices – on a matchbook.
• Grandma starts affectionately calling you ‘Li’l Flunky’.
• Your computer teacher discovers your gettin’ it on with a laptop.
• The only English paper you turned in is titled “TV Guide: Gateway to Viewing Pleasure.”
• You miss a lot of classes to appear in lineups.
• Your rebuttal in the first round of the debate tournament — “You’ve convinced me!”
• They’re giving you an ‘incomplete’ in shop until you find the teacher’s finger.
• Instead of a cap and gown, they’re fitting you for a McDonald’s hairnet.
• It’s nearly October and you still haven’t found your home room.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW’S star-studded multi-network TV fund-raiser will air 9-11pm ET and be titled “America: A Tribute to Heroes” (celebs added to the roster include Robert De Niro, Cameron Diaz, Kelsey Grammer, Julia Roberts, Oprah Winfrey, the Dixie Chicks, Faith Hill, Will Smith, Bruce Springsteen & Robin Williams) . . . ABC News has become the first to ban the repeated use of videotape showing the airliners crashing into the World Trade Center after complaints from viewers (it would be interesting to know how much networks paid for the amateur videos) . . . A pair of ‘instant books’ about the terrorist attacks are being readied — “God Bless America” and “09/11 8:48 AM: Documenting America’s Greatest Tragedy” (tacky tacky) . . . Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher vows he’ll NEVER visit the USA again, following last week’s atrocities (please, could you avoid Canada too?) . . . The 81st “Miss America Pageant” will go on as scheduled SATURDAY after contestants voted 2-1 in favor . . . Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has just paid mega-rich TV producer Merv Griffin (“Wheel of Fortune”, “Jeopardy”) $20 million to establish a base in Beverly Hills — and that’s just for the property (imagine the shack he’ll be erecting!) . . . And Australian stand-up comic-turned-actor Eric Bana is reportedly the front-runner to play the title role in the upcoming bigscreen version of “The Incredible Hulk”, to be directed by “Crouching Tiger’s” Ang Lee (will he become next year’s Russell Crowe?).
IN A NAME:
Here’s an interesting sidelight to the terrorism crisis – it has yet to acquire a definitive name. The slogans being used on TV networks – ‘America Under Attack’, ‘America’s New War’, etc are unlikely to stand the test of time. The name by which the events of 9/11 and afterward come to be known will most likely evolve from whatever happens next — and it may take some time. For instance, the term ‘Gulf War’ didn’t become the commonly used name for the 1991 crisis until it was long over.
COOL KID:
Scientists report the first conception using a frozen egg and frozen sperm has now happened. (The mother then went into labor after her ice broke.)
AIR TRAVEL WILL NEVER BE THE SAME:
Everyday items like tweezers, pencil sharpeners and manicure sets are now being seized by the thousands from airline passengers due to heightened security in airports.
DIVORCE COURT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME:
A telecom company in Austria that offers a satellite tracing service to help locate lost or stolen mobile phones has found that many customers are using it for a whole different reason — to check up on the location of their partners.
HOME VIDEO CAN COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU:
Sociologists quoted in “Glamour” magazine say videotaping yourself and your spouse having sex isn’t a great idea because it could later end up being used — in a nasty divorce. (On the other hand, it can provide hours of hilarious entertainment for your babysitter!)
MESSED-UP MOM:
THIS WEEK UK mother Carol Dukes spent over $200 to travel 900 miles (1,450 km) from her Berkshire home to Scotland because her 11-year-old son had left on a school trip without his — GameBoy. (Coulda been worse, I guess – condoms, for instance.)
WHY WE DIET:
According to a University of Manitoba study 60% of Canadian women who try to lose weight do it to improve their appearance. Only 40% of men diet to look better. (Men are just trying to avoid buying new underwear.)
21ST CENTURY BIRTH CONTROL:
A San Diego biotech company has discovered a family of human antibodies that attacks sperm. It plans to mass-produce it in fields of Indian corn. (In future, guys will be asking their dates, “Are you on the cob?”)
MOBILE PHONE TERMS:
• ‘Cell Yell’ — The futile practice of yelling on a cell phone in an attempt to overcome a bad connection.
• ‘Walk and Talk’ — Talking on your cell phone while walking down the street (first coined on a “Seinfeld” episode).
• ‘Cellarized’ – what people who use a phone as a fashion or power accessory are said to be.
• ‘Dead Ringer’ — The melody of a dead composer, such as Beethoven’s 5th Symphony, used in place of the traditional ring.
• ‘Cell Pat’ — When an entire group of people desperately pat their pockets or briefcases when a single cell phone rings.
• ‘Dialogus Interruptus’ — Can be either a dropped call or a cell phone interrupting a live conversation (remember those?).
(Source: http://www.cellmanners.com)
THE BULL SHEET 09.20.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [67] Sophia Loren (Scicolone), Pozzuoli ITA, movie actress (“Grumpier Old Men”, Oscar-“Two Women”, 1991 Honorary Academy Award)
1951 [50] Guy LaFleur, Thurso QC, Viagra pitchman/former NHL star (Montréal Canadiens)
1967 [34] Kristen Johnston, Washington DC, TV actress (Sally Solomon-“3rd Rock From The Sun” [1996-2001])/movie actress (Ivana Humpalot-“Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”)
1979 [22] Rick Woolstenhulme, rock drummer (Lifehouse-“Hanging By a Moment”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TOMORROW-Sunday the annual “Possum Town Pig Fest” trots into Columbus MS, when they’ll crown ‘Miss Possum Town Pig’ (a truly coveted title) and hold the ‘Pigs in Review Parade’. Ask for a hog calling demo.
PHONER: 601-328-4532
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1917 [84] 1st Canadian income tax begins as ‘temporary war measure’ (is the war over yet?)
1933 [68] Pittsburgh Steelers play their 1st NFL game (as Pirates)
1946 [55] 1st ‘Cannes Film Festival’ (worlds top-ranked, just ahead of Toronto)
1959 [42] 1st ‘Oldies But Goodies’ album marketed
1962 [39] Beatles’ 1st hit released (“Love Me Do”)
1995 [06] 1st team to clinch National League’s new ‘Central’ division (great trivia question — it was the Cincinnati Reds)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] UN International Day of Peace
[Fri] Miniature Golf Day
[Fri] World Gratitude Day
[Sat] Business Women’s Day
[Sat] Elephant Appreciation Day
[Sat] National Centenarians Day
[Sat] Hunting & Fishing Day
[Sat] 1st day of Autumn
JRR Tolkein Week (honoring the creator of “The Hobbit” and “Lord of the Rings”)
National Organic Harvest Month (put that spleen down – I said ‘organic’, not ‘organ’)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS QUICK PICKS:
Q: How many pounds of potatoes would you have to eat to put on 1 pound of weight — 1, 11 or 111?
A: You’d have to inhale 11 pounds! (Provided you lay off the butter, sour cream & bacon bits.)
Q: What was the first chain-store business to be established — Woolworth’s, Canadian Tire or A&P?
A: The A&P, begun in 1842.
Q: How many times per day does the average adult in the Western world break wind – 5, 10, or 50?
A: Roughly 10 times a day, releasing enough gas to inflate a party balloon.
Q: In ancient Rome it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with this. Was it a hooked nose, a loud voice, or big feet?
A: Hooked nose.
Q: Which kills more people — bees or sharks?
A: On average, 100 more people die from bee stings each year than from shark bites.
Q: Your British husband has just been made an ‘Earl’. So what’s YOUR title — ‘Lady, ‘Countess’, or ‘Earlette’?
A: Countess.
BS TAG LINE:
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
