Monday, September 17, 2001 Edition: #2133
Wow, the coffee this morning is terrible! At least, the piece I had was.
MORE TERRORISM FALLOUT:
It’s cost US TV networks as much as $100 million a day in ad revenue to broadcast 24-hour coverage of last week’s disaster commercial-free (an amazing display of having priorities in order) . . . There are versions of TV’s “Big Brother” running all over the world and producers of those in Belgium, Denmark and South Africa have decided NOT to break their ban on outside media and tell the holed-up contestants about the current terrorism crisis — unless it becomes all-out war (um folks, it’s a GAME show) . . . The first ‘jokes’ based on last week’s terrorism attacks have already begun to appear in several Internet forums (sick sick sick) . . . In order to stifle tasteless entrepreneurs, eBay has banned the sale of all World Trade Center and Pentagon ‘memorabilia’.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY “Survivor” million-dollar winner Richard Hatch is scheduled to go on trial in Newport RI for allegedly assaulting former boyfriend Glenn Boyanowski, who claims Hatch choked him, hit him on the head and pushed him down a flight of stairs . . . Recent reports of her death were exaggerated, but fears over Whitney Houston’s health have become so prevalent MTV has reportedly prepared a retrospective of her life, ready to air at a moment’s notice . . . Why? Seems 5-foot-8 Whitney has wasted away to just 96 lbs because she’s so strung out on dope she’s barely eating . . . Word is as soon as Pamela Anderson announced she and Kid Rock were looking to wed early NEXT YEAR, her ex-, Tommy Lee, proposed to current girlfriend Mayte Garcia and slipped a $150,000 engagement rock on her finger (it’s a race to the altar!) . . . Tabloid reports say Tom Cruise is convinced ex-wife Nicole Kidman got pregnant as the result of an affair (hmm, wonder why he ruled himself out?) . . . And just-turned-70 country legend George Jones says he’s now quit cigarettes, coffee, and — we kid you not – booze (geez George, whatcha gonna sing about?).
SOUTHERN TRASH:
American supermarket tabloids like “National Enquirer” and “The Star” sell about 800,000 copies per week in Canada, so how come there’s never been a successful Canadian tabloid?
CLOTHING OPTIONAL CHAT ROOMS:
According to an online poll, some 3% of people surfing the Web say they do it in the nude.
HONEYMOON HINTS:
“Brides” magazine has a story called “Ten Sexy Tips to Surprise Your New Husband on Your Wedding Night.” (We can only hope tip #1 is . . . ‘Bring a friend!’)
MARRIAGE MALCONTENTS:
Estimates show that 60% of men and 40% of women have an affair at some point in their marriages, according to a report in ”The Philadelphia Inquirer”. What’s more shocking — it’s estimated at least one partner will cheat in about 80% of all marriages. (Explaining the on-going popularity of country music.)
FROM THE HALLS OF HIGHER LEARNING:
• An unusual study involving college students found that those who stared at the color blue for 15 minutes a day averaged a 9% decrease on their IQ scores. Conversely, staring at the color orange 15 minutes per day caused IQ scores to increase by 22%. (Leading to a 300% increase in sales of Carrot Top videos.)
• Students at colleges and universities read about 60,000 pages during 4 years of study. (“Cosmopolitan”, “Penthouse”, “TV Guide” . . .)
COLD CASH:
We spend an estimated $2.8 billion a year trying to relieve the symptoms of the common cold. (Most of them involve taking 2 capsules – then waiting 7 days.)
FREQUENCY OF FOUR-EYES:
Even with the popularity of laser treatments, about 52% of all North Americans will end up wearing eyeglasses. Seems the natural weakening of eye muscles brought on by aging so far can’t be corrected with laser surgery. When it comes to needing goggles to ogle, women outnumber men 57% versus 46%.
RETAIL FLOPS:
In retail product development, just 4% of new items succeed. Here’s a few that didn’t . . .
7-Up lip balm
Parsnip chips
Garlic cake in-a-jar
Microwave sundaes
Vaseline aftershave
Aerosol mustard
Gerber for Adults (pureed sweet-and-sour pork and chicken madeira)
(Source: “New Products Showcase”)
THE BULL SHEET 09.17.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [56] Phil Jackson, Deer Lodge MT, NBA coach (back-to-back 2000 & 2001 NBA Championships-LA Lakers, 6 championships- Chicago Bulls)/former NBA player (2 championships -NY Knicks)
1947 [54] Jeff MacNelly, NYC, comic strip cartoonist (“Shoe”)
1948 [53] John Ritter, Burbank CA, TV actor (Mr Covington-“Felicity”, Jack Tripper-“Three’s Company” [1977-84])/movie actor (“”Slingblade”, “Bride of Chucky”)
1951 [50] Cassandra Peterson, Manhattan KS, TV/movie actress who’s made a living as ‘Elvira: Mistress of the Dark’ since 1981 NEXT FILM: “Elvira’s Haunted Hills”, opening Halloween 2001
1970 [31] Mark Brunell, LA CA, NFL QB (Jacksonville Jaguars)
1976 [25] Maile Misajon, Long Beach CA, pop singer (“Get Over Yourself”-Eden’s Crush, formed after its members auditioned for the WB series “Popstars”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY “Rosh Hashanah” begins at sundown, the Jewish New Year celebration.
10 YEARS AGO . . .
1991 TV sitcom “Home Improvement” debuts, introducing us to ‘Tim The Tool Man Taylor’ (Tim Allen) and buxom ‘Lisa The Tool Time Girl’, the bust-out role for Pamela Anderson (show runs through 1999)
5 YEARS AGO . . .
1996 Michael J Fox returns to series TV in sitcom “Spin City” (he’ll be back for a guest shot on the show’s 6th season this fall)
2 YEARS AGO . . .
1999 Céline Dion receives star on ‘Canada’s Walk of Fame’ in Toronto
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1957 [44] 2 male attorneys ‘stand in’ as actress Sophia Loren and producer Carlo Ponti ‘wed by proxy’ in Juarez MEX
1974 [27] 4 women swear oaths of allegiance to RCMP to become 1st female ‘Mounties’
1975 [26] Here’s a great sports trivia question — you’ve heard of ‘playing coaches’ and occasionally ‘playing managers’ but who was the 1st-ever ‘playing president’ of a sports franchise? (It was hockey legend Gordie Howe, with the Houston Aeros of the World Hockey Association. Of course now, with Mario Lemieux, we have the 1st ‘playing owner’.)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Student Day
[Fri] UN International Day of Peace
[Sat] Hobbit Day
[Sat] 1st day of Autumn
[Oct 7] Rescheduled Primetime Emmy Awards
National Singles Week
National Courtesy Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
THE GRAY & THE GREEN:
According to recent statistics, gambling among people 65 and older has risen more sharply than among any other age group. In fact, a gambling junket is now one of the most popular day trips among retirees. As a public service, here’s some . . .
BS SIGNS GRANDMA MIGHT HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM:
• She’s started eating a cheaper brand of cat food.
• 9-1-1 replaced on her speed dial by the number of her bookie.
• Her bumper sticker reads: “I’m spending my grandchildren’s inheritance . . . on the ponies.”
• Her pension cheque goes to direct deposit at the casino.
• You call to remind her to take her B-12 and she yells ‘Bingo!’.
WORDS THAT DON’T EXIST, BUT SHOULD:
• ‘Elecelleration’ — The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
• ‘Carperpetuation’ — The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
• ‘Frust’ — The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
• ‘Elbonics’ — The actions of 2 people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
BS TRIVIA:
Q: How many of the “Seven Ancient Wonders of the World” still exist?
A: Just one, the Pyramids of Giza.
(Source: “Weird Yet True”)
BS TAG LINE:
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
