Tuesday, September 18, 2001        Edition: #2134
Is that a hard drive or are you just happy to see me?

THIS WEEK is “National Singles Week”, recognizing the single lifestyle and promoting the option of living alone.
BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING SINGLE:
• Morning breath is OK.
• No leg hair on razor when you go to shave your face, and vice versa.
• Chequing account always balances.
• Can take up as much space as you want in bed.
• Get to hold the remote control ALL the time.
• Don’t have to explain where you were all night.
• Can eat dinner standing in front of the refrigerator.
• You’re the only one snoring.
• You don’t have to stroke the fragile male ego — and other things.
• Your car is YOUR car.
• More garlic, fewer breath mints.
• No in-laws!

DISASTER UPDATE:
Michael Jackson is personally producing a disaster relief recording called “What More Can I Give” that will include a raft of pop stars the likes of Destiny’s Child, Nick Carter of Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake of ‘N Sync and Mya, with proceeds going directly to a relief fund . . . Country stars Brooks & Dunn are one of the few musical acts that has continued touring despite the terrorist attacks, saying we should not allow terrorism to suppress our way of life (their concerts are turning into patriotic rallies) . . . The Gulf War gave us the ‘Scud Stud’ and now CNN’s Nic Robertson is becoming famous for those live reports via satellite video phone from Kabul, Afghanistan, one of the rising news stars to come out of this disaster (we’ll be seeing a LOT MORE of him in the weeks to come) . . . International disaster assistance group InterAction says the best donation for disaster relief is money because, despite our good intentions, items like food, clothing and personal medicine are just not useful.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
THIS WEEK heavyweight operatic tenor Luciano Pavarotti goes on trial in his hometown of Modena, Italy charged with avoiding $25.6 million in taxes, his defence being he’s been a resident of Monaco since 1983 . . . Ricky Martin will soon have a namesake cologne on the market (it’s the scent that says, “Hey baby, not interested”) . . . Analysts say the new TV season shows 3 main trends – more spy shows (like the highly touted “24″ starring Keifer Sutherland), more comedies WITHOUT laugh tracks (hear hear!), and, of course, more of those ubiquitous reality shows . . . A film Mick Jagger commissioned on the making of his upcoming solo album “Goddess In The Doorway” (due NOVEMBER 6) has turned into a full-blown, warts-and-all documentary after Jagger allowed filmmakers unprecedented access to his personal life.

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Antonio Banderas stars in “Spy Kids”, a family action comedy about the children of secret agents who must save their parents from danger (critics rave that it’s a treat for both rug rats and mom & dad) . . . In the action thriller “Driven”, Sylvester Stallone plays a former auto racing champ called in to give guidance to a young hot shot up-and-comer . . . And this week’s ‘special edition’ DVD releases include “An American Werewolf in London”, the classic 1963 comedy “It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World”, the “Crocodile Dundee” trilogy, and a director’s cut of the Coen Bros first film, the 1984 thriller “Blood Simple”.

SOCIAL STUDIES:
• A sociological study published in THIS WEEK’S issue of the Swedish tabloid “Aftonbladet” says your likelihood of getting divorced increases if several of your co-workers break up their relationships. (Measured on a scale from zero to — radio personality.)
• Researchers say listening simultaneously to more than one audio source, for instance radio and TV at the same time, can cause you to suffer symptoms of dyslexia. (Another reason not to live with your mother-in-law.)
• Based on a new study, psychiatrists say that temper tantrums in young children could mean the child has a greater chance of becoming a criminal. (Or, possibly, a celebrity.)
• According to a recent study, women exhibit many of the same mating rituals as female birds. (Let’s see, preening, building a nest, pecking, pecking, pecking . . .)

LAST WEEK WE EXPERIENCED A ‘1′:
A forensic psychologist has developed the ‘Depravity Scale’ which he says is an objective way to measure the degree of evil involved in a particular crime. The scale has 26 categories measuring such things as whether a perpetrator caused prolonged suffering or targeted the helpless. (Or ever produced a reality TV show.)

WILL ‘INKY’ DO VEGAS?
Scientists say they’ve discovered a new type of octopus that can actually impersonate other marine animals. They say the octopus can make itself look like other, more dangerous animals in order to scare off its enemies. (Answering the question, what has  8 legs and a strap-on dorsal fin?)

FOR THE RECORD:
Here’s a dubious achievement. In most jurisdictions a driver with blood alcohol content above 0.08 is considered drunk. German police have arrested a man who crashed his car and found his blood alcohol level to be the highest ever recorded — 4.46%. (He apparently escaped from a funeral home.)

THE BULL SHEET 09.18.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [68] Scotty Bowman, Montréal PQ, all-time winningest NHL coach (more than 800 career victories and 8 Stanley Cup championships with Detroit, Pittsburgh and Montréal)

1933 [68] Robert Blake (Michael James Vijencio Gubitosi), Nutley NJ, TV actor (“Baretta” [1975-78])/movie actor (“In Cold Blood”) whose wife’s May 2001 murder remains unsolved

1950 [51] Daryl Sittler, NHL exec/former player (Toronto Maple Leafs)/NHL record 10 points in single game
 
1961 [40] James Gandolfini, Westwood NJ, TV actor (2000 Emmy Award-Tony Soprano Sr-“The Sopranos”)/movie actor (“The Mexican”, “8 MM”, “A Civil Action”)

1971 [30] Jada Pinkett Smith, Baltimore MD, movie actress (“Scream 2″, “The Nutty  Professor”)/Mrs Will Smith since 1997 (he’s 6’2″, she’s 5′)  NEXT FILMS: Co-stars with hubby in the biopic “Ali” opening DECEMBER 7, and the 2 “Matrix” sequels

1971 [30] Lance Armstrong, Dallas TX, cyclist with 3 consecutive Tour de France wins (1999-2001)

1973 [28] James Marsden, Stillwater OK, TV actor (“Ally McBeal”)/movie actor (“X-Men”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Jewish] Rosh Hashanah

THIS WEEK is “National Farm Animals Awareness Week”. Every day, 6 million tons of manure hit the ground behind farm animals in North America. That’s enough manure to fill a creek 50 feet wide, 10 feet deep, and 70 miles long. Phew! What’s that gawd-awful smell?

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1851 [150] 1st edition of “New York Times” costs 2 cents (“All the News That’s Fit to Print”)

1895 [106] 1st ‘chiropractor’ (David Daniel Palmer-Davenport IA)  NOTE: Some 30 million ‘back adjustments’ are now performed in Canada annually

1985 [16] 1st ‘Top 10 List’ on “Late Night with David Letterman” is titled ‘Things That Almost Rhyme With Peas’, and here it is . . .
10. Heats
9. Rice
8. Moss
7. Ties
6. Needs
5. Lens
4. Ice
3. Nurse
2. Leaks
1. Meats
(Based on this one, it’s hard to fathom how this bit has lasted 16 years.)

1999 [02] Chicago Cubs’ Sammy Sosa becomes 1st MLB player to reach 60-home run mark twice

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Student Day
[Fri] UN International Day of Peace
[Sat] Elephant Appreciation Day
[Sun] MuchMusic Video Awards cancelled
National Laundry Workers Week
Baby Safety Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
INNER STRENGTH:
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,  
If you can relax without liquor,  
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then . . . you are probably a cat or a dog.
(Source: Anonymous Web Philosopher)

PHONE STARTER:
“What unusual thing makes a woman attractive to you?” Check these oddball submissions to “Men’s Health” magazine —
• “She’s conscious of the dangers of the sun.”
• “A woman who has no problem stuffing her face in front of you on a first date.”
• “Toe rings.”
• “A nice triceps muscle.”
• “When she’s a really good golfer.”

BS ANIMALIA:
• A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
• A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
• A dolphin produces notes 100 times higher than the highest note a human soprano can reach.
• The chameleon has a tongue that is longer than it’s body.

BS TAG LINE: The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.